top reason for death wish for you guys?

[nanook]

what would most likely drive you over the edge?

for me it's a complete hopelessness in regard to coming to a union with other human beings. i feel hated like jesus for who i am, as a result of how i think and feel, which is entirely withdrawn and iconoclastic. usually i have hope that there are odd individuals somewhere who get me. if it's just one out of 100 people, living on this plantet would seem cool. but frequently it dawns on me, that it's 1 out of 1000 and getting fewer, as i age and they age and we develop in different directions. it feels like i am dying to the world, if that makes sense and it triggers a form of self hate, wish for self-abandonment. frankly, if it were not for the concept of spiritual awakening, i might have already nicked myself. but awakening means i ought to wait for my mind to die from hopelessness and then there will be something worthwhile after that, albeit i might no longer be there to get something out of it.

is this inferior Fe? or does it mean that i am an Fi dominant type, that my isolation/introversion has such an emotionally loaded quality?

i always visualize Ti types as people who are pretty cool about being alone with how they think, like machiavelli you know, strategists who don't look for partners in crime, they dominate, but might end up being paranoid, yet not in a sensitive manner ("nobody likes me") but in concrete manner ("the police will shut down my mafia"). perhaps i confuse the Ti type with a Te type....

i seek connection through being accepted as a counsellor, teacher, friend, guardian, etc, almost as if i secretly need to be a bit of an enneagram two (usually i would seem to be 549). there could also be a touch of six in my idea that bonding and safety may require some abstract common and reliable idea(l)s.

 

[Jennywocky]

When I get suicidal, it's usually for a loss of hope/options. I feel like I'm stuck, and I can't imagine a way around or way out. I feel like I'm just forever trapped in the maze, and what's the point in staying there, trudging around trapped? I don't see the point in going through the motions.

I've also found it remarkable how I can go from utter despair to suddenly feeling a new surge of confidence if I poke and prod at the wall and suddenly find a potential opening. Just a possibility I can get around or through or over the wall is enough to keep me going for a little bit longer.

for me it's a complete hopelessness in regard to coming to a union with other human beings...

I identify with that, although I usually link it to SX instinctual variant for myself. It's weird, on one level I'm totally fine with being alone and in fact currently spend a lot of time alone, which provides me with freedom and room to think and explore; on the other hand, on some level I also feel horrifically lonely and alone, with no real connection to anyone and nothing to "ping off" to evaluate my own instincts. I always liked the movie "Contact" and similar things, I could always picture going into outer space or to Mars or entering a wormhole to see what's out there, based on my comfort with being independent and free but also the pain of feeling alone and be seeking in some fashion...

I usually try to just set it aside, though, because what's the point on dwelling on it if I want to keep motivated to live?

I do well in roles as counselor, guide, and friend, and I view the sharing of personal secrets (i.e., information about yourself that no one else usually knows) as perhaps the most precious form of trade and intimacy. I really have no idea how that intersects with F-style functions; I view one's function preferences as being based on how one prefers to evaluate information (in a personal way or an impersonal way), but it doesn't mean there can't be some personal needs that overlap.

Usually the Two style stuff seems more tangibly focused to me, and while I do like helping people with their problems by giving them a Big Picture that can guide them and maybe some practical advice, I can burn out quickly. I'm another 5-4-9 as well, and while my 5 is the strongest trait, the 4 tests right under it, they're pretty close in nature. I feel like I'm lost in that weird surreal landscape of distorted reality, flexing and pulling on things to see what they can be twisted into while still retaining their essence.

 

[Black Rose]

I have been having cognitive dissidence recently. It really hurts to think of myself as having moral failings. Like if I was would break down at some pain threshold and do something abominable. Or even that I am stupid and that I cannot do anything worth something so why bother learning stuff. Mostly I would like to learn stuff but I am too tired or sad or distracted and I don't know what it is I should be learning. Learning just to learn is meaningless but only because I never get to apply it like memorizing strings of letters not words. Words have meaning but random strings do not. Everything feels like random strings. And it's not just that I want be someone like a superhero but it is that storylines have to be original. I have lost interest in consumerism. At the theater when I was 12-14 it seemed so empty. At the end of the matrix revolutions no one was in the theater but I was at the back looking at the credits. Outside the night seemed like no one but me existed. And I stopped watching tv in 2007 because it seemed that the anime never made a climax. Toonami had degraded to Zatch Bell. I saw I Robot 12 times but it was nothing but the same feelings of what should I do now? Looking for movies at the rental store was weird also. It felt random and meaningless. To me I never felt the climax of the story as if my life should have some sort of conclusion also. Just an empty universe. But there is a difference that I have felt. The world can be empty yet have lots of meaning. I have felt it at my center when there was peace and stillness and meaning. A negative is only negative when you are bothered by uncertainty. Uncertainty that in the emptiness you have nothing left to satisfy the need for novelty. It feels like an addiction makes things worse but only because you are without something that really you do not need. Things can feel O.K. and you can do things without being addicted to them. Sometimes you don't need to do anything and just be where you are.

 

[DrSketchpad]

To your question:

Complete smashing of every one of my hopes.

This would probably come from some freak bout of severe depression however. I think I can otherwise pull myself through whatever disappointment I can think of.


I think I'm on the path to feeling all too similar (though not actually hated or anything, but misunderstood to the degree of setting fire to any hope for a meaningful relationship. Not romantic or anything, but just in general).

Regarding your type:

You're definitely some combination of feeling/intuition. You seem to identify your feeling as introverted, which would mean FiNe and make total sense to me. NiFe would also make sense to me, with your inclination to spirituality/mysticism (these are probably not the right words, but you get the sense of it).

The need for a soul to soul relationship, to me, points straight to Fi. I've felt this as well, but only in my attempts to better understand Fi and then I go straight back to Fe's motivation for emotional influence.

Regarding Ti/Te: Yes, I definitely think this is a confusion between Te motivations and Ti. Ti's main and probably only motivation is inquiry. But not like Ne's more passive and ephemeral curiosity. Ti wants to watch the world go by only to pick the pieces from it that it sees can fit into his many jigsaw puzzles.

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

I have two main reasons that would contribute to my possible, however exceedingly unlikely, suicide. One is technically the main reason for me wanting to be done with life and the other is the main reason I wouldn't necessarily rethink or stop myself from killing myself if I'd already decided to kill myself. Thankfully they never occur simultaneously (and also I'm a huge pussy so even if they did I still wouldn't kill myself).

Reason one is mostly because of how awful the world and everything is. Sometimes it just gets really hard to accept the world I live in when people go around doing some seriously awful things to each other (and in some cases to people I truly care about). Like it doesn't make sense to me when I see or hear about people hurting each other. For example, I really have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that rape exists. I genuinely don't understand the mindset someone has to be in to rape someone else. Literally the only motivating factor is selfishness. There's no "it was self-defense" argument for rape. The only explanation for rape is "I couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't getting off and I don't give a shit what happens to other people." How does that level of obliviousness/indifference exist? And the fact that not only does it happen sometimes, but it happens often enough to be a statistic. The fact that it's not an rarely occurring aberration but actually an uncomfortably common truth boggles me. Add on to that all of the other random selfish bullshit crimes and it gets overwhelming when you think you must be the only person who gives a fuck about how you affect others. I shouldn't feel like the crazy, ostracized loner for caring about limiting the pain of others. I get sick of feeling like an alien when I observe my own species. It fucking hurts.


And the second reason which is more like the nail in the coffin for me if I'd already decided to kill myself (which I never will. If I do, don't believe the suicide note. Someone's probably staged it). Basically this argument boils down to the fact that I wouldn't necessarily miss out on anything if I were to die now. I've felt unbelievably happy, I've felt unbelievably sad. I've experienced a comfortable level of wealth and I've experienced being this close to missing a rent payment. I've experienced what I believe to be the whole pantheon of extremes and anything that comes later will just be some lessened version or linear combination of previous experiences. I may be young but I don't believe I truly have "lots to look forward to" because nothing that comes later will truly be new or interesting.


But yeah, this thread is a bummer. I'm going to go find puppies to pet or something.

 

[Sinny91]

I can relate to all three of you. I feel like the whole of my life has been a traumatic experience, and the worst part is, I know it always will be. I resent being here, being subjected to this existence, and not having the answers as to why. I'm resentful towards some God, whom may be little more than an irrational coping mechanism we have created as a result of this traumatic experience.

We don't know what the purpose of existence is, and it 'weighs heavy on my heart'. They talk of a hell, but I'm pretty sure we're already living it.

Its rare that I am consciously aware of my downward spirals, not realising until I'm too far gone; subjecting myself to isolation, rejecting those around me, alone with thoughts that are enough to make anyone think of pulling the plug .

What's beyond the veil? Do we simply return to the void, the nothingness that was before our birth, or...

I'm unsure about my tri type, but I'm enneagram 8w7, (followed by 5w4), SP SX, INTP, INTp, Slytherin, minimally autistic, and a Virgo, year of the Goat

@ ManBeyond

 

[Yellow]

When I am truly disappointed. I am not good at placing faith into things or people. I've experienced unfortunate events and purpose-driven conditioning that has discouraged me from indugling in wishes or hopes that something "good" will happen. Instead, I tend to approach everything from a neutral "come what may" stance, and work my ass off to avoid failure.

Unfortunately, we're all occasionally in situations so completely out of our control, that we have no choice but to hope that things go right. Also, idiotically, I've found myself (more than once) trusting other humans to be decent.

When those stray hopes, faiths, or desperate wishes are completely shattered, I find myself momentarily paralysed. I'm crushed under the weight of my disappointment. In those 2 to 30 minutes (depending on the complexity of the situation) it takes to regain my composure and executive control, I could do all sorts of impulsive things. Self harm being the most likely (and most common) if physical harm is not already imminent. It's an almost involuntary punishment for being so incredibly stupid.

In the aftermath of the event, I almost always contemplate suicide too, but in a childish escapism kind of way, which I quickly dismiss.

Luckily, it is a decreasingly common event as I age, as I learn my lessons. I'd say it's been well over two years.

 

[Sir Eus Lee]

I don't know.

I consider suicide more and more, but I'd never actually CONSIDER it. I'll look at something I hate or a brick wall, or a daunting task, and think, why do I even exist. What difference does it make anyway. And then I'll acknowledge that it's a stupid idea.

I think what would be the last straw would be a systematic trimming of my tree of options. If I got to a point in which all options that led to things I would have enjoyed were demolished, maybe I'd just give up and get depressed, and then eventually really contemplate it.

But I'm nowhere near that point. I'm certainly dissatiafied. On one hand, I certainly acknowledge that at this point, I am living better than 99% of all humans that have existed before me. Or maybe 50. Maybe 25. Whatever. I'm well off right now. But it just seems like society has systematically put a ruleset into how you can or cannot progress, effectively limiting where you can go because there are so many PEOPLE. So even if you worked your tail end off, how would you rise to the top? How would you get anywhere other than a desk job? Maybe 200, 300k if you're lucky? And even then, is that what you want?

I don't know, it just seems that even though the floor is rising, the ceiling is falling, and maybe that's why I feel so trapped.

Anyway. I'm not done with my tears-of-clown-esque poetry. Brace yourselves.

Life is a sin wave. Sort of like somebody with bi polar. Except maybe people with bi polar just have faster cycles, and so they notice the difference, whereas normal people have the same cycle over a longer period of time.

I've never considered physical harm. I don't understand it, or why it's an outlet :/ I wouldn't consider that. Maybe even if I did choose to go through with it, I'd just sit there thinking through it. Probably break down into a teary mess and just not move.

Sometimes I consider using suicide as some weird power movement. Like, if I committed suicide, people would notice me then. Which is completely backwards thinking, because not only do I tell myself I don't care about them now, I wouldn't be there to receive it then. Maybe it's because I just want things to be easy. A muscle never grows unless there's a work out, but a broken arm can't lift a thing.

I think this is why I made the positivity thread. Somebody post something there.

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

I consider suicide more and more, but I'd never actually CONSIDER it. I'll look at something I hate or a brick wall, or a daunting task, and think, why do I even exist. What difference does it make anyway. And then I'll acknowledge that it's a stupid idea.

I think what would be the last straw would be a systematic trimming of my tree of options. If I got to a point in which all options that led to things I would have enjoyed were demolished, maybe I'd just give up and get depressed, and then eventually really contemplate it.

But I'm nowhere near that point. I'm certainly dissatiafied. On one hand, I certainly acknowledge that at this point, I am living better than 99% of all humans that have existed before me. Or maybe 50. Maybe 25. Whatever. I'm well off right now. But it just seems like society has systematically put a ruleset into how you can or cannot progress, effectively limiting where you can go because there are so many PEOPLE. So even if you worked your tail end off, how would you rise to the top? How would you get anywhere other than a desk job? Maybe 200, 300k if you're lucky? And even then, is that what you want?

I don't know, it just seems that even though the floor is rising, the ceiling is falling, and maybe that's why I feel so trapped.

Anyway. I'm not done with my tears-of-clown-esque poetry. Brace yourselves.

Life is a sin wave. Sort of like somebody with bi polar. Except maybe people with bi polar just have faster cycles, and so they notice the difference, whereas normal people have the same cycle over a longer period of time.

I've never considered physical harm. I don't understand it, or why it's an outlet :/ I wouldn't consider that. Maybe even if I did choose to go through with it, I'd just sit there thinking through it. Probably break down into a teary mess and just not move.

Sometimes I consider using suicide as some weird power movement. Like, if I committed suicide, people would notice me then. Which is completely backwards thinking, because not only do I tell myself I don't care about them now, I wouldn't be there to receive it then. Maybe it's because I just want things to be easy. A muscle never grows unless there's a work out, but a broken arm can't lift a thing.

A lot of what you said here resonates with me. Especially that bit about feeling trapped. I get to feeling all claustrophobic sometimes. Like everything's closing in and all that, man I'm more drunk than I thought I was,

I think this is why I made the positivity thread. Somebody post something there.

Sorry, I'm drunkand have very little excess positivity to share.
I appreciate that you made the thread though. It's good to know that someone's trying to make the world a brighter place. Goodnight

 

[TheManBeyond]

sometimes i feel like i already read all the words and their possible combinations in this forum, feels kind of repetitive.

 

[nanook]

have read your posts with a great deal of attention. thanks.

my interpretation and rephrasing of the moral failings that animekitty mentions:

'fear of regressing into overly black and white cognition and acting out feelings of envy and revenge (or whatever), becoming the super-villain, that i feel i am accused of being or forced into being. and feelings of self-hate as a method to prevent me from becoming that.'


i feel the world consists of nazis who treat me like a jew, yet, as you know nazis are in their own self-understanding righteous moralists who accuse jews of being moral failures, as if jews are "the nazis" = "the evil guys", who are seeking world domination, who try to suppress the righteous culture of the nazis in favor or a lesser world order. it's a mirror cabinet of projections:

what if the jew feels that he is involuntarily becoming "the jew", as "the jew" is being described by nazis? if he begins to identify with what he is accused of? his greed for money or something like that. exactly what they want to take away from him. everyone takes care of money, but it had no special meaning to the jew, prior to their attempt to take it away from him, but now that it's forbidden to him, he clings on to it like his life depends on it.

these are all hypothetical thought patterns, not statements about actual jews and nazis in the real world!

similarly i am a free thinker who can think forbidden thoughts. but the pluralist mean green meme nazis seek a superficiality, called tolerance, wherein you are considered an asshole, if you have any "offensive" (meaning consequential) thoughts (such as knowing that their foods are toxic). just sit at a table with everyone else and pretend that everyone belongs and that no one has deeper motives that conflict with each other! simple, except it's not a recipe for how to live your life.

so now, after being called an asshole for being a free thinker, i find myself compulsively attached to all sorts of offensive thoughts. whatever the pluralists criticize, i seek the partial truth in it and become it's advocate.

so they criticize nazis, i begin to defend nazis (while being fully aware of their faults), now they think i AM a nazi. all because they are nazis, i mean they are suppressors of free thoughts and individuality and true nature, who are trying to suppress me and everyone else, force us to conform to uniform behavior, that is my definition of nazi.

i seek to create peace and harmony and maximum acceptance through a universally functional philosophy.

as an underlying motive, i seek security for myself, in being accepted unconditionally, through advocating such a philosophy.

however i actually create conflict by pointing out the violence and injustice in the judgement of more partial moralists, by showing them what they can not handle.

i test whether I and other hypothetical versions of myself are being accepted unconditionally by projecting the most radical possibilities of my mind and my psyche in the form of hypothetical thought experiments.

and of course I am not being accepted unconditionally.

people enact tabus of society without being fully conscious of what they do. people are ethnocentric and expel you, if you don't fit in.

i loose all of my false superficial friends and can't seek up in a heterogenic public space without unintentionally provoking a lynch mob.

what i say elsewhere is by no means more daring than what people say on intpforum, but i swear, this is the only place in the internet where there is freedom of speech.

occasionally i want to act 'like a stereotypical impulsive person' and judge one of you guys, for becoming more and more radicalized about something. but then i recall you are essentially like me, a slave to the law of your need for cognitive coherency, only at a different place in your rational development and you must make baby steps to change your mind.

it's the the easy egoic thing to damn people.
"you say forbidden things, you are bad, you will be singled out and die in exile".

but everyone is radicalized and ignorant in various areas of his thought and he must be accepted anyway, included into a possibly healing conversation, or else the whole world goes enters physical war.

at least as long people act as introverts, meaning they project their mind into a realm of conversation that is of little practical consequence, it should be easy enough to accept them, to include them emotionally, while perhaps discussing their ideas.

it's admittedly really difficult to accept you, if you say something like "i am a feminist and will not rest until the evil patriarchate is replaced with the good matriarchat because FUCK MEN and MORE POWER TO ME"

for me, my cognitive development is often like an endless battle with humanity. we are all at war, human cognition is by default violent, as jiddu krishnamurti points out in great detail. but as an introvert, perhaps as a thinking type or perhaps as an ethical type, i don't get a break from meditating on this war, ever. and sometimes it's really killing me.

tmb, no offense, but we are obviously not the same type (i've read your deleted post)

 

[nanook]

it's an interesting observation. it feels like the hate of people is basically killing me, but i must admit, that my own philosophical obsession is what is downloading all of their hate into my mind and turning it into my problem and making it personal, giving me acute PTBS fear for my life.

i would rather kill myself, then being devoured by those primitive beasts.

of course i can't stop myself from being INXP, but i need to find a way to give myself a big fucking break from caring about how retarded they are and focusing exclusively on where i am. and this may require a good deal of independence from them, a refusal to get lost in the public dialogue of society, about politics and shit.

i've always known that politics is psychotic projection of your own mind. i never had a habit of reading newspaper every day. but it's not entirely transparent to me, what motives get me sucked into this regressive mode of being, nevertheless.

this whole conflict about pegida/immigration in germany has become a red flag for me, a symbol for how pluralist mean green meme nazis prevent me from joining the hipster dating life, with it's superficial selfishly opportunist values. so it may be my drive for romantic love and sex, basic acceptance by humanity, that drives me into being concerned with politics. how could i be independent from my basic needs? i'm doomed.

 

[Seteleechete]

Intense physical discomfort(including things like starvation, pain ect.) or mental degradation(dementia and such, not depression). I'd rather die quickly than suffer constantly/slowly lose my mind.

I see giving in to mental pain(depression/hopelessness ect.) as giving up on my own mind and I am to stubborn to do that, after all I always have myself whom I can trust(which is why I would probably commit suicide if I got dementia or something similar).

 

[Rudolph Mondal]

For me I think what might precipitate such a reaction would be finding everything I used to find purpose and meaning in to be devoid of those very things.

I've realized though, that to a large extent it's not the activity itself that gives me the most pleasure and purpose and meaning, although it certainly does to an extent, but the recognition I might receive from others because of that activity. So if that comes to an end, my motivation to pursue that activity will probably be significantly reduced, perhaps it wouldn't be there at all.

This isn't a nice thing to come to terms with because at least for myself, I didn't think it was that way for me for quite a number of years. But now I've realized that I'm just like the people I used to look down upon, that the reason I continue to want to exist is because of the recognition I might possibly get from other people for being a certain way or for doing certain things.

It's fine for the time being because I do receive the recognition I want for being who I am and doing what I do from some people but it might not be that way in the future. In that case, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll learn to adapt to the circumstances and continue to wish to exist or perhaps I'd want to end it all.

I suspect strongly that it'd be the former though. The will to live overrides everything else.

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Ti spinning out of control down the rabbit hole? How to reset? or even push the pause button?

The greatest difficulty, imo, for an INTP in arresting the course of being swept out to a stormy sea by the riptide of Ti to a watery death by drowning is...recognizing its happening while its happening.

If the INTP can recognize the start of the Ti riptide, if only at the start of it when its just beginning to tug at one's ankles (before its then pulling at the lower leg then lower and upper legs, then hips and torso and the entire body):

one strategy to put the brakes on the Ti riptide is to get out of the water by un-isolating oneself socially. Immediately reach out and get in touch with friends/ close associates. If you can't think of anyone, put the effort into finding a friend/ close associate. Immediately.

And thats not to say this effort of arresting the Ti riptide ought to be limited to just those instances of something as dramatic as suicide is being considered. The spiral down the rabbit hole can be any old thought process which is being taken to such an extreme that one begins to feel utterly disconnected from those around them.

IMO INTPs should put a lot of extra special effort into constantly and without fail tending to their social garden. Or risk starvation in the frequent social winters that plague them.

INTPs experience much social anorexia. We must recognize it and its consequences and risks for what it is.

 

[Sinny91]

it's an interesting observation. it feels like the hate of people is basically killing me, but i must admit, that my own philosophical obsession is what is downloading all of their hate into my mind and turning it into my problem and making it personal, giving me acute PTBS fear for my life.

i would rather kill myself, then being devoured by those primitive beasts.

of course i can't stop myself from being INXP, but i need to find a way to give myself a big fucking break from caring about how retarded they are and focusing exclusively on where i am. and this may require a good deal of independence from them, a refusal to get lost in the public dialogue of society, about politics and shit.

i've always known that politics is psychotic projection of your own mind. i never had a habit of reading newspaper every day. but it's not entirely transparent to me, what motives get me sucked into this regressive mode of being, nevertheless.

this whole conflict about pegida/immigration in germany has become a red flag for me, a symbol for how pluralist mean green meme nazis prevent me from joining the hipster dating life, with it's superficial selfishly opportunist values. so it may be my drive for romantic love and sex, basic acceptance by humanity, that drives me into being concerned with politics. how could i be independent from my basic needs? i'm doomed.

I can relate your much of all your contributions in this thread, and would like to go back and draw attention to the spiritual awakening which you mentioned. A term which has now been thoroughly distorted through the efforts of the New Age movement, but if one can see past that, it is still a functional term.

I think that you have been unplugged from the Matrix; you recognise the level of societal bullshit for what it really is... many claim to, but they do not. None shall notice their chains until they attempt to move from them.

I do not know what your catalyst in Free Thought was, but I know mine, and from experience I foretell that none shall understand until they to have experienced their own catalyst.

For me to reside in this world, and to have the majority of people not recognise the alternative reality - which is staring them in the face -for what it really is, is nothing short of torture.

To describe this in terms someone else might understand, picture my POV from the antagonist in 'They Live'.

This is an esoteric concept also.

The Free Thinkers amongst us are in their millions, but drowned out, rejected and attacked by hostile and ignorant 'massess'; who have willingly relinquished their claim to Free Thought in favor of being spoon fed a way of life, and a level of perception.

I was and am the person who reads the news paper everyday, but I don't read the language the propagandists want me to hear.. I read their language, the occult messages with which they attempt to program our minds.

In order to save my self from drowning, which can be likened to your experiences outlined in the OP, I have to view this as a war that needs to be won. A war on my mind and ...soul? Almost everything around us has been infected by a perverse poison, and a false doctrine.

I spend my time trying to keep my thoughts my own, clear my mental house, if there is any purpose in life to be found, if I'm going to get any where near to discovering it, my mental house needs to be clear.. and as untainted as possible.

Meditation and mental discipline, besides all the New Age crap, is having the ability to recognise your thoughts for what they are, to control them, to not believe them, and to separate yourself from the world around you, enabling you to remain objective in the face of the realisation of the irrational, I.e, don't pull the plug just yet. The end will come sooner than you realise.

Remember, the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation

Welcome to Earth.
​

 

[nanook]

thanks for sharing, sinny.

my state of mind doesn't allow me to post something sensible, at this very moment.
i feel a tad too dramatic. it's a mirror cabinet of projections, truth and subjectivity are all mixed up, both in me and in the external world. acting out the conflict, communicating it, has this strange quality, it's an opportunity to become aware of where i am wired incorrectly, but it also reinforces the wiring.

 

[Black Rose]

12 hours ago I visited my brother. He has a fried that lives with him at my moms house. We saw funny videos on youtube and I watched him complete a group mission in final fantasy 14 on PS4. Seeing that game made me think about how expansive the world is and interactive. It relieved some stress. I no longer play video games but I hope to meet people in real life someday in a virtual environment. The human mind can only hold 300 people and in America there are 300 million. The world is bigger than we can comprehend. It only seems small because we do not meet the right people but I think that will change soon. (virtual environment )

https://youtu.be/YVLxIhCHhpg

 

[TheManBeyond]

The only thing that makes me want to contemplate suicide in an sexual affair way is when people don't appreciate my honest poetic message in social situations, this apparent "randomness" of thoughts, come from despair and exposing them to public means i'm understanding they understand that i'm making an effort so they better have to take me as i am, a twisted nerdy but unshy guy, that's a problem since people seem to want a clear picture of who u are as a project, they want the logic behind ur feelings, or intuitions, it can't be all untouchable, it has to be somewhere, but what if u don't even know where the fuck it comes from and it goes away so quickly... but it doesn't mean they are random, they are just crazy, multiple task or trip adventurers are at first sight not so pleasant, cuz their mind can't really decide how to categorize or fix the mess we present to them.
I can sum my qualities in what i like to call the electro porn esoteric indigo kid, with the shape of this hero i write sexual driven posts in facebook pictures of girls i just recently met, or ask for politeness back from a professor who's being rude, or ask for shuting the fuck off about excuses and sorry replys, and i will crush anyone trying to get me down in my own melody.
I don't need anything that has to be with faking ur true self.
In a way i kinda like to be disliked and i do have fun by pointing out people's defects but i think besides the fun, this acts like some kind of filter, for me it is important to know who are real and who are copies of other copies from bad copied copies.
To citate a guy i really like: "with passion and without mercy", "stop crying bitch, i haven't drop a tear"
I can't even recall how i feel when i'm feeling bad, not because i don't ever feel bad but because my mind is full of nothing, nothing means everything inside it, some things that are ghostly images of other some things, somehow they all awake when i less expect them, i feel them but can't really understand their code so i have no control over this army of butt smashers, i don't have opinions, only impulses.
Nanook, shape up man.