To stay or to leave

[nemo]

Woot, another 'I don't know what the hell to do' thread. Sorry if this bores you guys, but any responses will be much appreciated.

About me: I'm an IxFP (haven't been able to figure out if I'm an INFP or ISFP). I'm in my 4th week of my undergraduate course at uni, studying Arts, home of the lost souls.

I've been considering taking some time off uni, probably just taking the rest of the year off and starting over next year. Reason? I'm struggling quite a bit. Even in high school, I sucked at doing my homework, missing class often. This problem has carried over to uni, unfortunately. I've no motivation to go to class or to do the homework. I actually enjoy my classes and find them interesting.

Too often though, I just feel completely empty inside. My counsellor says it seems like I have an anxiety problem with schoolwork and with going to class, and it's true that I feel anxious at the thought of either. Something that doesn't help is that it takes me 2 hours to get to uni (one way).

If I stay in uni, I think I might fail a class (or more) because of the 75% attendance requirement. Also probably because of unfinished work. I need to find my drive if I choose to stay, but I don't know where to look.

If I take a break, I'll probably work, volunteer, maybe travel towards the end of the year if I've saved up enough money. Hopefully gain life experience, find my drive, come back to uni refreshed and motivated.

Basically, I don't know what I myself want. This is the course I want to do, but it's more like I know the fact than feel it. Even the thought of taking a break doesn't make me feel liberated - just empty. I guess a part of me still feels like it's not an option, that I *have to* stay and push through.

Any thoughts, comments, questions, replies are very welcome and hugely appreciated

Side note - I don't struggle with the content of the work, it's more the DOING it that I struggle with.

 

[Architect]

Side note - I don't struggle with the content of the work, it's more the DOING it that I struggle with.

"Doing" - "Thinking" - what really is the difference when it comes to intellectual work?

When gardening, it's mostly doing. Or driving a car, or many other activities. When doing a predominantly intellectual activity, such as writing, programming or coursework, the "doing" is little more than elaborating your thoughts.

Take programming, my specialty. A hugely Ti activity, and compare an ISTJ cohort and myself. That person works a regular schedule that is rarely varied from. Goes in to work, parks their butt in a chair and you can hear the typing go non stop.

People never know when I'm going to be in the office. I go through long periods where I apparently am doing nothing at all, and other periods where I'm typing furiously.

The difference you see is the one person thinks through working, and I think, then just do some typing to get what I've figure out written down. I don't think much when I type, as it's all been done beforehand.

Same goes for classwork. If you've really figured it out, you should be able to just sit down and write out your homework in 20 minutes.

 

[The Gopher]

Where do you go.... but I kinda agree with the class work thing but it isn't entirely true somethings are long and tedious...

But what you should think about is where do you go (sorry inside joke) if you do fail or drop out will things change?

"If I take a break, I'll probably work, volunteer, maybe travel towards the end of the year if I've saved up enough money. Hopefully gain life experience, find my drive, come back to uni refreshed and motivated."


Well will you be refreshed and motivated? will things change? How can you know. Guess I am asking more questions than being helpfull you want to know if you should stay or do this.

 

[EditorOne]

"If I take a break, I'll probably work, volunteer, maybe travel towards the end of the year if I've saved up enough money. Hopefully gain life experience, find my drive, come back to uni refreshed and motivated."

I can tell you that would have worked for me. I can't tell you it will work for you.

My problem was INTP boredom with the process of learning itself., at least in the paradigm of formal schooling. 13 years through high school; after two more at college, I was done in, ready to puke. A year off would have decompressed me enormously. No one would hear of it, however, and the end result was failure, four years of college but no degree.

Meanwhile, just a footnote, it seems like trying to think of a good occupation or profession doesn't work for a great many of us. It's almost like one small facet of Zen, the one that says the experience is the learning. In other words, we have to try it on for size before we know it fits. It makes for an interesting life.

 

[Nibbler]

Side note - I don't struggle with the content of the work, it's more the DOING it that I struggle with.

I am intrigued by the response that the doing is actually thinking when it comes to schoolwork. Maybe you are longing for exploring your own intellectual pursuits rather than those outlined for you.

That is exactly why college took so long for me and sucked at it the whole way. And I'm back in it to pursue biology (I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT! Phew!)

And maybe the emptiness is mourning for inspiration. When I feel empty it's because I have nothing meaty going on in my innerworld.

 

[nemo]

@Architect: That's a really interesting point. Maybe it's different from what I thought - it's not the doing that I struggle with. E.g. when I'm doing rote housework tasks, I can multitask everything fine. It might be more the STARTING of the task that I struggle with. I have a built in mindset of 'I can't do this' and that kinda hampers my ability to start. At those times, it feels like there are all these thoughts flying around in my head, but nothing that is tangible - like I'm trapped in a whirlwind of empty (or perhaps negative) thought. When I somehow AM able to do my work, I seem to differ from you in one aspect - I think as I type, not before. I'm not very good at remembering my thoughts when I want to or need to - they kind of just pop up at random times - so the act of typing or writing helps to focus those thoughts. I also tend to get more ideas as I work.

@Gopher: I guess I don't 'know' that I'll come back refreshed and motivated, since none of us know what the future holds exactly. Maybe it's become a sort of holy grail in my mind. I've been wanting to take a gap year for a long time, and all that time I just felt that I would need the break to recuperate, refocus, and motivate myself. But I never got it organised, silly me. I believe that things would change if I did take a break, but it remains to be seen if they will! Or if I will. Questions are helpful, since they make you think and consider points/aspects that you haven't thought deeply into before

@EditorOne: At the moment, I feel like it's all going to go downhill from here, and that I might end up failing if I don't take time off. I might end up failing even if I do take time off, but I feel like it's less likely. How did failing affect you, if you don't mind my asking? Are you glad that things turned out the way they did (whichever way that is) or do you wish it had gone differently?

@Nibbler: Man, I love your name, and dp, and NIBBLER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ But anyways. It's weird, because I do wish to explore the content of my subjects, but...assignments and me don't mesh. I think you might be right about the emptiness being a lack of inspiration. How do you get something meaty going on in your innerworld, Nibbler? :P

Btw, thanks everyone for your replies, it means a lot. I'm still pretty undecided. It doesn't help that I'm a naturally indecisive person as well. But if I do want to take a break, I need to get everything finalised before the 31 March... Damn you, deadlines... :'(

 

[Nibbler]

@Nibbler: Man, I love your name, and dp, and NIBBLER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ But anyways. It's weird, because I do wish to explore the content of my subjects, but...assignments and me don't mesh. I think you might be right about the emptiness being a lack of inspiration. How do you get something meaty going on in your innerworld, Nibbler? :P

Btw, thanks everyone for your replies, it means a lot. I'm still pretty undecided. It doesn't help that I'm a naturally indecisive person as well. But if I do want to take a break, I need to get everything finalised before the 31 March... Damn you, deadlines... :'(

How do I do it? I think most of the time it comes when I am supposed to do something else. That's why your situation got me thinking it could be your problem. For instance, when I have to leave the house, I notice possibilities. But when I'm at home with plenty of time, I daydream about other things. That could also be a bit of my ADD.

I don't want to frighten you, but I'm extremely indecisive, too. What finally got me to settle in on something I can use my intuitive thinking in a subject I loved was simple maturity with age.

I was mentally all over the map. I would walk into the college and feel inspired to add every class in the school. That's not possible, so in the classes I did take, I would attend, see exactly what the topic was all about, become instantly bored by the busy work, start tapping the proverbial foot and want to scram and think about every unrelated thing I was inspired to think of while in class... to the detriment of my grades. (Your issue is divergent from this, I take it.)

Do you know it took me over several semesters to realize I was supposed to be following an education plan? I was just randomly picking classes.

And I don't come from the generation of instant gratification. I can hold my attention on things very deeply. So my pattern of destructive behavior was very much all me and not societal influence.

And then I would feel down, unaccomplished, over reaching and drop out of trying. I was stupid, my ideas were stupid, my behavior was stupid. That's when things would get worse because now I had nothing to keep me mentally going. I would hit bottom and then drag my carcass back out there.

I simply cycled that way for a long time. I had no counselor, no mentor, no friend who got me--not that I would have used any of them because my problems were mine and I would not have known how to explain--I was not a norm. And for my friends who noticed, they were a fountain of simplistic pragmatic opinions which were unhelpful and off target. And when I didn't take their (denotatively) ignorant advice, they would become condescending at my abnormal ways.

That's the truth of it.

But I'm OK NOW!

I've learned to pace myself when I get inspiration when in the middle of doing something else of importance. I really *want* to be a biologist. I really *want* to apply myself to research. What I constantly have on my mind is finally jiving with what I'm studying. And most importantly, what is constantly on my mind has stuck. I'm not constantly mentally burning out anymore.

 

[Nibbler]

^ reading back over that, I realize I sound a bit like a mental addict, my drug of choice being obsessive over yearning to learn, over thinking, seeking more, mentally obsessing over the wrong information leading to my own ideas/possibilities/theories, failing the social expectations, then burning out. Rinse. Repeat.

 

[Architect]

Another example of my "doing" versus "thinking" theory - look at Glenn Gould. Obviously and NT, I'm not sure what ilk as I haven't studied his personal life too much. At any rate he said that in later years he didn't practice, once he "understood" a piece he knew how to play it.

Contrast that with a S type - they will learn through doing. NT's can learn how to do, through thinking. Turns out the brain actually can do this, the 'muscle memory' can be trained purely through thought. It doesn't know the difference.

 

[EditorOne]

"@EditorOne: At the moment, I feel like it's all going to go downhill from here, and that I might end up failing if I don't take time off. I might end up failing even if I do take time off, but I feel like it's less likely. How did failing affect you, if you don't mind my asking? Are you glad that things turned out the way they did (whichever way that is) or do you wish it had gone differently?"

I wish I'd succeeded. I am not making excuses, but remember I was an "undiagnosed" INTP, which means just about everyone around me considered me broken in some fashion; so did I. My response was a big "Fuck you all" attitude, which was not particularly helpful. My envy of young folks who understand themselves and understand they are INTP is huge, however, I'm playing out the cards I was dealt and the cards I dealt myself, as always. I've spent too many years living in an unprofitable (money wise) comfort zone; starting a new career now, which, again, strikes many Muggles as odd, but strikes me as quite logical since I need money. My new profession is interesting: I worked one hour this past week and made something more than $1,000.
The only other effect of not finishing school correctly was a refusal on my part to ever quit anything ever again. Just a principle I created out of thin air. Again, not the smartest course of action, since I grimly finished a 10-mile bicycle race in 1982 or so after damaging my knee seriously at the outset. I'd probably be walking better now if I'd simply set down the bike and gone to the hospital. :-)
My conclusion is that while I'm never too old to learn, I really should pick up the pace.....

Just know that whatever you decide, you'll be able to handle the consequences. The ability to achieve competence, even at a price, seems to come as part of the INTP package.