Tips on 'dealing' with social situations?

[tip]

Hey everyone, I recently found this forum and thought I'd join up. I was hoping to get some thoughts on some stuff that's been on my mind.

I'm 27, returning to college after 8 years of working. I am a very strong INTP, and also have a bit of social anxiety. Now, I mind my own business at school, maintain a high GPA and do well. I don't talk much at school or have any 'buddies', which doesn't bother me. However, now that I'm getting into higher level courses, we are required to work in teams for projects. Obviously not my favorite thing, but I'll go along with it...

So of course, since it seems everyone in my class knows everyone else or is more outgoing, they instantly have partners. I ask the few guys next to me - they are already in groups. Groups are required so I guess I'll have to just keep asking until I find someone without a group. Kinda hard since we don't have class again until Friday. Most of the time I just laugh stuff like this off and it doesn't bother me too much. But, for some reason it is still bugging me...

I'm looking at the bigger picture here. How do I overcome this frustration that I find it very hard, if not impossible, to make small talk? I can feel the jealousy creeping in when I watch two people that have never met sit down next to each other and instantly become social. Or 2 people, literally sitting right next to me, start talking and instantly hit it off without a word coming my way. I've tried sitting in different parts of the classroom, front, back, middle, with no discernible difference.

I have high self esteem and know there is nothing wrong with me (I hope ) I have a healthy social and family life outside of school, which is what is most important to me. I've theorized that maybe others can 'sense' that I don't want to talk, so they don't initiate it. It could be that I tend to have somewhat of a scowl on my face most of the time, but that's because I put so much effort and concentration into school. Other ideas would be my age; I'm almost 10 years older than most of my classmates (which to me shouldn't matter, but who knows). Or maybe I'm just over analyzing this whole thing (which I've been known to do ).

I realize this is just one of many challenges in life and I'll just 'deal' and move on. But at the same time I can't help but be bothered by the whole thing. I know this is just the way my personality is - I came to terms with that a long time ago. Earlier in life, I tried 'changing' or 'trying' to be more outgoing, which obviously didn't work.

So anyway... sorry for the long first post. My girlfriend and friends all have an easy time making small talk/new acquaintances, so I don't really have anyone to talk to that understands me. How have some of you dealt with these situations and feelings?

 

[Beholder]

I haven't...

 

[Pizzabeak]

Sometimes you just gotta 'man up' and do what needs to be done, if only because others won't - if this answer is related to your post (I read but not sure if the question was answered)

 

[Roran]

I have tried my best to avoid such situations, but since I have to go to school (I'm currently in high school) that doesn't work all that well.

Oh, and by the way, welcome to the forum.

 

[P.H.]

Welcome!

I can relate to your frustration as I also have to do a lot of projects in teams, and I don't particularly like it either. The social conventions and stuff like that, it can be so non efficient. But alas.

You just have to try and experience it, and if you do that enough you'll somewhat get the hang of it. It's okay to be bothered because it's in your nature, but you'll have to find a way to channel this. You could (if you're up to that) express what bothers you to other people, or the people on your team. I've recently discovered people can be more understanding than you think they are. They're people, not just tools for you to pass your project (as I have seen them before...) and if you can tell them what you find difficult you could maybe find a healthy way to work together.

The most important factor is mutual respect, in my opinion the only way you can make these things work. If you don't respect them - I am in no way suggesting you don't - and they don't respect you for who you are, it may become very difficult to get into a good "flow" with them.

Do your projects get coaching? I mean do you have a teacher who guards the team process? If you have problems with working together in a team (or finding a team for that matter) he or she could help you with that. I had a coach once who had really good advice for us when we were trying to deal with a non productive team member.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[MsAnthropy_Indefatigably]

.... However, now that I'm getting into higher level courses, we are required to work in teams for projects. Obviously not my favorite thing, but I'll go along with it...

This is probably PART of the reason I haven't gone back to school. The better part of why just being the time it takes that I must focus elsewhere.... but I digress...
I hate group work, I hate relying on anyone, I hate having to communicate to others things that I see as clearly obvious. I think I have the same issues you do. Sometimes at work, I'm in my office and I hear other co-workers giggling and talking amongst themselves... I hate them for it and all I can think is, "Am i the only one doing my work!?, Why does everyone SUCK at their job but me!?"

IDK, the few times I do catch myself being social, I tend to remind myself that it is unacceptable in the work place and get back to work ASAP. Not in a creepy, 'I'm-going-to-just-walk-away-from-this-conversation-without-saying-a-word' sort of way... but i'm always looking for an exit in a conversation. Especially if they start talking about themselves and how they're feeling....

Right now, there's a pregnant staff member and everyone is always fawning over her and her pregnancy... Things like that completely annoy me, IDK why, but it's like, yeah, she's pregnant, WTF cares? She has two more of those at home... no big deal, go back to work!!!.... I'm all about work when I get here.

 

[Pyropyro]

I view social gatherings as data gathering sessions like playing in a half-predictable system. Of course, I know that I'm interacting with real human beings with real feelings so I take care not to intrude much and just observe. I see small talk as a means of extracting info which when repeated to said person in a later date, works wonders. You also get to access stuff and fascinating things that won't be normally available to you.

Regarding group work, I feel the loss of control is offset by the gain of resources.

 

[RentA-Brain]

Ive had the same problem. Previous years in school I was pretty happy just sitting back and listening to everyone else talk but I eventually got frustrated with my lack of communication and always feeling left out when non work-related subjects came up in class. My trick is to try, but not try too hard, the initial challenge is to say something loud enough to be heard, and choosing words that make sense to the situation. But overanalyzing your choice of words ends in lost opportunities to say something that would extend the life of a conversation. Say what comes to mind and work with it from there. Sort of analyze aloud.

 

[BigApplePi]

THIS is a conversation or not. I'm trying to think of how I overcame these difficulties (entering a conversation with strangers) or even if I have overcome it at all. Since at the moment I have no formal answer, let me tell a story.

I went to a "meetup" the other week. This particular meetup in New York City is where a topic is given and fifty or more people get together, are broken up into groups of eight or less, they discuss the topic and have the option of socializing as a matter of course or not. So I got into two groups. This experience is important for this thread I think because the 1st was was a total failure and the 2nd one a total success. Yet I was the same person both times. Now why?

In the first group one guy was an expert. But instead of asking for responses, he monopolized the conversation. One girl clicked with him and monopolized also. The other six people were more or less silent. I didn't fit in but decided I wasn't alone in not fitting in. When the group was over I definitely wanted to get away from that guy when the next group was formed.

The second group was a total success but I don't know if I can recall how it got started. There was one guy who started talking but looked at us for feedback. No one hogged the conversation. I was able to say something because I knew the topic. The guy next to me was a little drunk but was funny and made some remark to me. Pretty soon things got going, everyone but one chimed in and I was laughing having a great time... and so on. (All with perfect strangers.)

Your turn. If this is a conversation about social situations we can practice right here. Ask some questions. I may recall more ... After you ask some questions and if I or others answer, ask some more ... or see if anything said jibes with you. Maybe it will work; maybe it won't.

 

[Dapper Dan]

I hate group work, I hate relying on anyone, I hate having to communicate to others things that I see as clearly obvious. I think I have the same issues you do. Sometimes at work, I'm in my office and I hear other co-workers giggling and talking amongst themselves... I hate them for it and all I can think is, "Am i the only one doing my work!?, Why does everyone SUCK at their job but me!?"

IDK, the few times I do catch myself being social, I tend to remind myself that it is unacceptable in the work place and get back to work ASAP. Not in a creepy, 'I'm-going-to-just-walk-away-from-this-conversation-without-saying-a-word' sort of way... but i'm always looking for an exit in a conversation. Especially if they start talking about themselves and how they're feeling....

I don't know what your job is or what your workplace is like, but honestly it sounds like you're shooting yourself in the foot. If you don't take a break now and then to get to know your coworkers, you're going to burn yourself out. And when you do, you're going to lose your job because no one likes you. After all, you're just that weird guy who always gives them the evil eye and never joins the conversation.

Socializing at work is a necessity for me. I don't go overboard, obviously. But if I don't get to know my coworkers and what they do, then I can't access their expertise if I happen to need it. A good solution is to get lunch. It gets you out of the office and out of your head. You can talk shop or just shoot the breeze. The money spent is well worth it.

 

[tip]

Some great insight so far.

I still haven't found a partner for the project, but am about halfway done with it myself. I'll ask the prof tomorrow (Monday) to help me get a partner. I've had this professor in a few classes, and I can already tell he's not going to be pleased that I don't have a group yet.

The group thing has always forced me into being more quiet. Someone usually hogs the conversation/ideas/plan, and it really irritates me.

 

[BigApplePi]

tip. Can you say anything about your group eligibles?

BTW I've noticed when someone hogs the conversation, if I have something to say, I raise my hand. That may seem silly but it almost always gets someone to say, "Let's hear from him." The gabber knows it's rude not to respond.

 

[tip]

tip. Can you say anything about your group eligibles?

Not sure what you mean here, BigApple.

I approached my professor and he put me in a group. The other guys are just fine, we already have the project done since I was working on it by myself and they were too. Not much talking just giving each other our numbers. Fine by me!

I get that professors want us to work together to get that experience. I don't know where I stand on it - I'm trying to be open and not sound like a whiny student. It would be easier if I had some friends in my classes, I just feel kinda left out... but that's my deal. He told us teams are how its going to be done while working in the field (engineering). Is that fully true?

 

[Otherside]

Not sure what you mean here, BigApple.

I approached my professor and he put me in a group. The other guys are just fine, we already have the project done since I was working on it by myself and they were too. Not much talking just giving each other our numbers. Fine by me!

I get that professors want us to work together to get that experience. I don't know where I stand on it - I'm trying to be open and not sound like a whiny student. It would be easier if I had some friends in my classes, I just feel kinda left out... but that's my deal. He told us teams are how its going to be done while working in the field (engineering). Is that fully true?

I think that engineering is one of the worst professions that INTPs get mislead toward. I graduated first in my class (electrical) and hold a Masters degree, but your professor is telling you the truth about teamwork in the real world. You'll not only deal with other engineers, but you'll have to interface with people very different from yourself that are performing auxiliary functions on which your success depends.

I was only able to "hang" with it for about ten years.

Consider advancing to the Ph.D level if you have it in you. It's one place where you'll be able to retain some autonomy.