Thoughts on this short story I drafted?

[Pizzabeak]

Hm

 

[Jennywocky]

I liked the part in the middle.

 

[Sinny91]

Lol.. I'm not going to read it unless you review your formatting

 

[Pizzabeak]

I liked the part in the middle.

O thx

Lol.. I'm not going to read it unless you review your formatting

That is the formatting. I think it's supposed to be in the "stream of consciousness" style.

 

[Sinny91]

Ah, in that case, it's not my cup of tea... Maybe I can try in future.

 

[Pizzabeak]

Yeah man for sure let me know. For further clarity it's a tale about Halloween and a lost child given a reluctant adventure mission. What he really wants or needed is a friend, whom he eventually meets and then they do Halloween together. Sub plot is, the Illuminati implanted sugar rushes and alcohol as something appealing when it is really dumbing down society and shortening life span.

 

[Sinny91]

Oh, that sounds awesome .. you've sold it to me. I'll read it tomorrow

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I can recall being treated the moody return of satisfied expenditures avoiding the nibbles of blue dyed somehow mold newly noticed not before succumbing the battery like alkali of flat lined butter top scotch Worchester listen here now he grips 75,000 years hence the dark stained cakes of hol will return by enlivening the youth market expansion red soda pop clock disintegrating in a ring of fire volcano heap the homes and I and you and all have known to love and adore mowing the lawns of Sunday

Enjoyed this part.
I have no useful expertise to offer whatsoever.

Yeah man for sure let me know. For further clarity it's a tale about Halloween and a lost child given a reluctant adventure mission. What he really wants or needed is a friend, whom he eventually meets and then they do Halloween together. Sub plot is, the Illuminati implanted sugar rushes and alcohol as something appealing when it is really dumbing down society and shortening life span.

Was chatbox one of your inspirations? ; )

 

[Sinny91]

Was chatbox one of your inspirations? ; )

Chat box was freaky this morning... you guys... are awesome.

 

[Pizzabeak]

Was chatbox one of your inspirations? ; )

Hm? Not particularly..

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Chat box was freaky this morning... you guys... are awesome.

Madness brings the best in people, thank you.

Hm? Not particularly..

Cool, there maybe some artistic similarities to explore.

 

[Seteleechete]

It's an abomination that should be burnt and have the ashes scattered to the four winds. Whoever it was that came up with the concept "stream of consciousness" needs to be revived just so I can shot him in the head.

... I am really not a fan of this type of writing.

 

[Puffy]

Whoever it was that came up with the concept "stream of consciousness" needs to be revived just so I can shot him in the head.

Here you go. Best of luck.

There are sections of Joyce's stream of consciousness writing that utilise no paragraph breaks, but for the most part even he used paragraphs. I would try to format and break the text up a bit like others have suggested. I tried reading your story but massive blocks of text are too daunting for most readers.

It is a relevant point as writers need an audience and if the text is unattractive at the first point of contact most won't attempt it, especially if there's no context as to what it's about and thus no prior interest.

The majority of the great experimenters in literature would've mastered more traditional structures first and developed their experimental forms out of a deep understanding of their medium. A lot of art-students get drawn to experimentation first without that understanding, and in general it doesn't produce very good writers.

 

[Pizzabeak]

Cool, fair enough. Haven't read Joyce yet although he influenced some authors who I have read and briefly obsessed over. Kind of had a more Bill Burroughs thing in mind though. For the record there is some cover art which would have set the mood and provided some context but I didn't post it..

 

[Yellow]

I don't generally enjoy unformatted walls of text regardless of content, and I dont get the whole stream of consciousness appeal either, so take my feedback with a grain of salt.

I liked that you didn't overuse words, but your diversity of word choice felt unnatural.

Also, for some reason, it was easier to pick out acoherent-ish train of thought when I skimmed, rather than when I read word-for-word. Is that normal with this writing style? I guess I didn't get it well enough though, because other than the mention of halloween, and entertaining costume descriptions, I didn't really understand what was going on. I'm not good at art.

 

[peoplesuck]

i read about this writing style, it wasnt described, just referenced. would make me go insane to read this for any prolonged period of time. to write this im guessing you just write whatever pops into your head? interesting, but it makes me feel like a crazy person to read it. how does one judge how good a writing like this is? no offence i just dont understand.

 

[headspace]

I'd like to read and critique the content but as others have stated it's too difficult to read.

I don't expect you to alter it for our benefit; it's respectable that you would not.
However, as a consequence, i will not be reading it.

 

[redbaron]

turtle tiger birdie rhinoceros

I'm just really disappointed that this isn't a real animal.

As for the actual writing I'd tell you that you might benefit from working on your cadence and syntax but I feel like that'd defeat the purpose of the story.

Overall C+

 

[Pizzabeak]

I don't generally enjoy unformatted walls of text regardless of content, and I dont get the whole stream of consciousness appeal either, so take my feedback with a grain of salt.

I liked that you didn't overuse words, but your diversity of word choice felt unnatural.

Well it was written over the course of a few days so some of it was stopped then later on continued where previously immediately left off and so the moods at various parts may be different.

Also, for some reason, it was easier to pick out acoherent-ish train of thought when I skimmed, rather than when I read word-for-word. Is that normal with this writing style? I guess I didn't get it well enough though, because other than the mention of halloween, and entertaining costume descriptions, I didn't really understand what was going on. I'm not good at art.

That's cool.

i read about this writing style, it wasnt described, just referenced. would make me go insane to read this for any prolonged period of time. to write this im guessing you just write whatever pops into your head? interesting, but it makes me feel like a crazy person to read it. how does one judge how good a writing like this is? no offence i just dont understand.

I'm not sure if this is actually stream of consciousness style but I only said that because the run on sentences and someone likened some stuff I wrote before to it (s.o.c.). What you mentioned are common sources of criticism that it gets. Like someone else previously said I guess it's more about the experimentation or avant garde aspect. In my case, I read some stuff of similar style and simply thought it was hilarious. Seems difficult to continually write like that on a regular basis though.

I'd like to read and critique the content but as others have stated it's too difficult to read.

I don't expect you to alter it for our benefit; it's respectable that you would not.
However, as a consequence, i will not be reading it.

Hm...

I'm just really disappointed that this isn't a real animal.

As for the actual writing I'd tell you that you might benefit from working on your cadence and syntax but I feel like that'd defeat the purpose of the story.

Overall C+

Not sure if I disagree...

But, the bird tiger thing actually references a story I did in the 2nd grade. At school, the class had to write and illustrate a book then the teacher laminated it and we got to take it home. Didn't think I was creative enough and was struggling to come up with a premise so what I ended up with is a tale about a turtle and tiger roommates who find a pet bird and train it. Then they get chased home by a rhino and live happily ever after I guess. I was ashamed and didn't want to show it to anyone.

 

[NickiPen]

Best birthday party my niece had was Enchanted Unicorn party. I remember I gave her mom these http://partyopedia.co/products/enchanted-unicorn-birthday-party-supplies-set and ended up ordering more of the same.