This Isn't Wonderland.

[dark]

I am not sad anymore, so a bit on my experience with some things in life. I recently experienced a thing we call depression, was my first time. If I am honest it was interesting. I felt cold, lonely, and numb, other thing too but those were the dominate feelings.

I think I can learn from this and hopefully help someone else. I was oblivious to what I was doing, but I did it. I talked to everyone, not in real life, just on the internet, everyone I knew that would message me back after I said 'hello' to. I also started a huge thread that amounted to a lot of post really quick, I encourage anyone who is experiencing this phenomena to do the same. Start a thread, add more to mine, message everyone you know, just tell someone something. There has to be contact between another even if it is like a forum.

In depression I realized I was human. I realized I was not a robot. Interestingly I am sort of glad I had that experience, because now I think I know how to handle others that go through it. We can be alone, but never lonely. But in times like these our bodies and mind/brain are forcing us to make contact with another flesh and blood.

I am really trying to understand how this human reaction works, and I am wondering why I now find it so interesting when I experienced it.

It sort of feels like . While at the same time . Plus . And everyone you meet seems to be this guy .

And all you want to do is .


I suggest you and find your self through conversation. Don't be a .

I know it may be hard for introverts to do what I did, but you need to try. I am not sure what you guys experience, I couldn't imagine being completely introverted. I need people.

Ok the numbing feeling was the most dramatic part. It was extremely intense. I felt that when it became the worse. I couldn't sleep. I didn't eat. I finally forced myself to eat today because food became unpleasant to me. I should be sleeping now but I think I need to post this in case someone else needs it. I am still working this out, so bear with it.

Now let me lead you down the rabbit hole. Hold close.

Your body shakes, you look around but nothing makes sense, sound blurs, words don't make sense, your normal loves in life seem meaningless. Everything seems exaggerated. You shake. You feel your pulse, you hear your heat beat, it misses, you listen to the voice talking to you and you don't know what it is really saying. Your body numbs, you feel the veins tingle and your brain keeps stopping. You focus on the one thing that hurts the most, it is warning you of something, but what? Because you keep asking the question you keep focused, you can't escape, it is to strong and you are to weak. You second guess everything. The days blur and you can't remember what had just happened a minute ago. You look around and find yourself alone in a crowd and wonder how the hell you got there. Then if you are unfortunate enough you find yourself behind the wheel of a car, going to who in the hell knows where, then you fade out again, and come back when you arrive at the location and the numbness comes back because you sense how useless you are, how meaningless you really are in this world. You begin to perceive the world through clouded eyes. Your heart skips again. All sense of anything is gone, sound begins to hurt you, you can't function, small tasks like walking to the damn toilet seem monumentally demanding and takes you deeper in the pit. Your skin tingles constantly, you realize you haven't seen another person in days because you have locked yourself somewhere, you haven't opened a book, you haven't listened to one song or anything that used to please you. You feel dead. You heart beats. You watch the water drip from the sink because you are to weak to turn the facet on. Your hands shake once again as you try to put water on your face. Tears can't even flow down your cheek. Then you hear another person's voice, you immediately take offense and become numb and walk right past them like a ghost. You are now dead.

If any of this means anything to you, you are not alone. I am sure even if you haven't yet experienced this, you will, don't worry it isn't damaging as long as you quickly get help when you notice you are falling apart. If you notice another person experiencing this quickly tell them, they probably don't even know it is happening.

Guess I need a thing to keep this thread alive. So share your version of horrible experiences you have had that you think you could tell that may help someone. We are all living this life together, no reason not to try to help one another.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

The smileys thing was amusing.

One thing stuck out to me though, you encourage depressed people to get out and connect. Overall this seems like good advice, but I think severe depression is more complex than that, or at least it varies for different people.

That was an interesting experience you detailed though, personally, I've never had that much of a distortion in my perceptions. Although your experience may just be irrationality related.

 

[The Gopher]

The smileys thing was amusing.

At first I was like but then I as I realised that coldeyesee just took my line.

don't know why but whenever I see your name I thing coldeyesee instead of eyeseecold.

Back on topic though I agree that being with people always seems to help, stops you thinking I find. always good as thinking is so depressing.

 

[Stoic Beverage]

I think a fitting, albeit less lengthy description would be that it all sort of fades to gray.
The colors are fuzzy, the sounds are static, the food turns to ash in your mouth (to be dramatic). The entire thing is experienced as if you were four feet away. Numbness to emotion, save for a perpetual sinking feeling.

 

[EvilScientist Trainee]

Dark, i just love your posts.

And yeah, I can totally agree with the depression description. You feel alone and misunderstood, and you want to scream, but no one will understand why you are screaming. And then you try to shift your focus to other thing... Just to look at happy people living. It makes you want to kill everyone.

When I got depressed, I was having a rough time because of my poor social skills. Couldn't connect with a single person in high school, and my friends outside school just couldn't understand what I was going through. Nonetheless, we called each other to go to the movies, It was august 2, my birthday was on august 6. The ticket person didn't wanted to sell me the ticket because I was below the age limit. I had to wait outside while my friend had all the fun watching the movie (For the records, 300, and we were RPG addicts). While I was waiting, people around me just lived their lives, which made me feel shitty.

I went home on a self-defeating mindset, arrived home with a terrible mood. My parents noticed and started bugging me about what was wrong with me. They had opened my social thingy page, and there was a troll joke by a friend. They thought that this was the reason and argued with my friend's parents.

The result was me becoming emo. Hahaha, what a terrible phase. It didn't help either that I acquired a platonic crush and my friends started to date at the same time, thus having no time for hanging out.

Thank god I also healed from depression. It happened a couple of years later, when I asked myself "Why the fuck am I this gloomy?" and had no answer. I thus noticed that I was no more depressed.

Fuck yeah, elephants of war.