The story about me almost killing a person

[TheManBeyond]

Once i was at a party drinking with some friends. When it ended i was the only one who stable / not drunk so i decided to carry my friends home. When we were getting into my car there was a more or less random guy who was really drunk and he jumped and grabbed one of the backdoors and started fooling around.
I asked him to get down, he didn't listen, so i ask him again in anger, he didn't listen. I was so pissed of that i started the engine and accelerate and the guy was still hanging from the closed door by its window (don't ask me how he was doing that), eventually in a matter of seconds because of the acceleration the guy fell off and started rolling down the road.

I'm pretty sure he fell down at like 50/60 km/h, and i clearly remember one of my friends shouting at me to stop because i was going to kill him just before it happened. I remember that in a matter of seconds i didn't wanted to stop, i wanted him to suffer. Somehow.
We all thought he was dead but fortunatelly he was not. Also i was so lucky that in that precise moment of dawn there weren't any car passing by. I felt extremely worried and went down to see if he was ok. He was ok, just a bit beaten up because of the fall and rolls and shit.

After i took my friends to their houses i return (because the place where it all happened was near my house) and i decided to go into the bar to see if the guy was still ok. I remember i thought of the possibilty of some weird internal hemorrhage or some problem with retarded effects. I felt so damn guilty bro.

He was feeling ok he said (i believe because of the gallons of alcohol he had in his organism) and invited me a drink, i told him no thanks and he told me i was the kindest guy ever. It that was pretty epic now that i think of it.
The guy told me like a week after that that he felt all his bones were broken for 3 days and then he was fine.
I wonder if that rush of anger and irrationality, display of hate, not caring about his health for that little moment where i decided to accelerate my car was like some old -school Se stuff. Could be some shadow Fi somewhat similar to ned's flanders in an episode of the simpsons. meh who knows.
What's that devil inside? that make you enjoy horrorful things?, i'm sure everyone has this, i'm not worse than anyone here. I'm pretty sure.

 

[Jennywocky]

Maybe. Maybe not.

About the closest I can compare only really happens to me when driving, when people do really rude and stupid stuff that could get others killed and/or take advantage of other drivers.

On occasion, I can imagine myself having telekinetic powers and just FLINGING their car a hundred yards without feeling any remorse for doing it. (kind of similar to that one scene in Chronicle.) That part, I don't like -- the remorseless part -- but then again, I don't have telekinetic powers so I guess I'll never know.

But it does help you imagine how much restraint some superhuman person would have to have. If you could act with impunity, would you?

 

[StevenM]

This is why I stay away from people.

 

[RaBind]

I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how humans evolved and the primitive areas of our brains. Apart from the short but intense bursts of outrage that the fight or fight response is capable of, I think there's also another form of anger which arises from being apathetic towards the wellbeing of others and abstracting away the unwanted implications of the individual's behaviour. I'm pretty sure most people are capable of such behaviour, certainly most of the ancestors of the livilg couldn't have gone through their lives with having encountered kill or be killed situations multiple times or were living through them every day the if you go back far enough.

There are other factors as well some of which are situational/external.

 

[Sinny91]

I've only nearly killed somebody once, it was an abusive ex, I was 18.

After being pinned and taking some blows to the ribs, I didn't have the option to guard, my only option was attack. The stength came from nowhere, I quickly over turned my ex, and grabbed him into a deathly headlock; he was unable to move almost immediately and within a minute or two he turned blue.. At that point, my mind went somewhere strange and blank, I held him till his eye's turned in his head... At that point somebody had the good sense to drag me off him.

Seperately from that, I do suffer with violent thoughts. I'm intensly aware of them, but I never act out on them. I try to be a good person, and I think I am a good person.

 

[peoplesuck]

who knows, why is it when we get hurt by an inanimate object we want to hurt it? we got the derp ass genes..

 

[TheManBeyond]

I've only nearly killed somebody once, it was an abusive ex, I was 18.

After being pinned and taking some blows to the ribs, I didn't have the option to guard, my only option was attack. The stength came from nowhere, I quickly over turned my ex, and grabbed him into a deathly headlock; he was unable to move almost immediately and within a minute or two he turned blue.. At that point, my mind went somewhere strange and blank, I held him till his eye's turned in his head... At that point somebody had the good sense to drag me off him.

Seperately from that, I do suffer with violent thoughts. I'm intensly aware of them, but I never act out on them. I try to be a good person, and I think I am a good person.

my bro is in a relationship with a girl that left in comma his ex bf because she also suffered from his abuse. the girl just got out of a mental hospital before meeting my bro. that's pretty hardcore. she's gorgeous btw. high five

 

[Yellow]

I honestly envy those of you who experience that kind of defensive rage. I imagine that it's a very powerful feeling. I don't have a "fight" response to dangerous stimuli. For me, it's "flight" and if I'm especially unlucky, "freeze".

I have been aggressive only twice in my life, both during my early teens. Both were impulsive, defensive actions (like, "oh shit! I just did that. Fuck, fuck, run away, fuck! situations), and both times, I was thoroughly pummeled for it.

I don't think my lack of "devil" makes me a good person, though. I'm just a coward. I've worked really hard in the last five years to put on an "assertive" act. It's gotten me out of one situation, but I really had to hide my impulse to act submissive in the hopes that it will all be over soon. When push comes to shove, I'm only focused on escaping or enduring adverse situations.

 

[Jennywocky]

I honestly envy those of you who experience that kind of defensive rage. I imagine that it's a very powerful feeling. I don't have a "fight" response to dangerous stimuli. For me, it's "flight" and if I'm especially unlucky, "freeze".

Much of my life it was mainly "flight" (or indifference, if I could tell it was just feelings but I could rationally see things were okay). I'm more like the chameleon that disappears when things seem truly threatening.

It's an odd shift to make because I don't quite know what to do with the shift towards feeling more aggression. Intense emotion tied to aggression always feels "wrong" to me, although I've given it more play later in life because sometimes all flight does is abandon the situation to the carnivores.

I have been aggressive only twice in my life, both during my early teens. Both were impulsive, defensive actions (like, "oh shit! I just did that. Fuck, fuck, run away, fuck! situations), and both times, I was thoroughly pummeled for it.

The few physical confrontations I got involved with as a kid/teen always involved a bully, and they typically were picking on someone else who wasn't in a position to protect themselves.

But yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't think my lack of "devil" makes me a good person, though. I'm just a coward. I've worked really hard in the last five years to put on an "assertive" act. It's gotten me out of one situation, but I really had to hide my impulse to act submissive in the hopes that it will all be over soon. When push comes to shove, I'm only focused on escaping or enduring adverse situations.

So when you call yourself a "coward," does that mean you inwardly think you should be engaging more often? Because someone who believes flight is okay wouldn't give themselves a negative label.

It's an interesting framework, because of our parallel experience. It was probably in my mid-30's when "courage" as a character trait became palpable and important to me and when I looked back at situations I had fled without engaging as (sometimes) expressions of cowardice on my part... I had kind of just chalked up courage as something that extroverted assertive people expressed and kind of a boring trait without much purpose; now it's something I value highly, it means bearing up with grace under difficulties and being willing to engage and suffer damage for something you believe in or think is true.

But I still usually avoid "pointless' fights and don't persist where it seems a waste of time.

 

[Alias]

This reminds me of one time when I was drunk. I had left the bar and decided to get into what I probably thought was a taxi. Drunken me was screwing around on the door when this dude, to the disapproval of his companions, started up the car. Said car accelerated to about 50 or 60 kilometers per hour, and that's when I fell off. Surprisingly, there were no other cars around at the time. The party from the car that launched me came back to see how I was doing, and it turns out that they were the nicest people ever. I returned to the bar to recover from the encounter, and later on the driver of the car comes up to me. It turns out that he's a really nice guy, so I offer him a drink. He says no, but is kind about it, so I guess that's that.

(I'm joking, I just felt like retelling TheManBeyond's story from the other dude's perspective.)

 

[Sinny91]

I'd say for the most part, 'rage' like that isn't something to envy..
During a 'rush' like that, there is a very fine line between defense and what could lead to murder/manslaughter. However, if you are posed in a life or death situation, or what could potentially be, it's a useful energy to harness which could save your life.

I wish I could say that I have always been a non-violent person, but that's not true.
I was a bully up until about 11, and have been in my fair share of brawls since.

I must have some sort of complex, because fighting boys (when I was younger), and fighting men has always come natural to me. Girls and women on the other hand I can't fight for toffee. I experience what Yellow described. Even right now, I'd rather fancy my chances against a 6ft man than a 5ft woman.

I have never suffered violence from any man up until that absusive relationship from 17-18, so what my deal was/is, I denny know. That ex lunged at me on one occasion, on a stair well with both his hands out; being in a non-safe position and not knowing if he was going to drag me down or not prompted me to clasp both his hands in mine, at which point I pushed all his fingers right back until each one broke with a satisfying 'snap' . I'll never forget the look of horror on his face, eye's bulging lmafo. He had to have several operations, which never completely fixed his hands... These days he's called 'trigger fingers' because his two middle one's are permanetly straight haha.

We still know each other today and are civil to each other. We've both got permanent injuries to remember our follies by, and occasionally we laugh over them; we eventually did split when he broke my shoulder. Crazy I know.

 

[The Gopher]

Well if you don't have the capacity to fight flight is the best response. If you have the capacity to fight rage isn't needed. If you don't quite have the capacity to fight rage is useful.

It sounds as if you have internal boundaries that were just pushed. It might not have been him as the only pusher it could have been a number of things throughout the day. ISTP's* are great to study on this topic. However if you are studying them up close make sure you are stronger or faster than they are, preferably both.

 

[Yellow]

So when you call yourself a "coward," does that mean you inwardly think you should be engaging more often? Because someone who believes flight is okay wouldn't give themselves a negative label.

I absolutely think I should be engaging more. It is a problem I've been aware of for most of my life.

There are people who just walk into a room and assume everyone will bend to their will. There are people who scream at cashiers, waiters, and traffic, and always get their way. There are emotionally unstable people around whom we walk on eggshells for fear of setting them off. There are the self-assured people who always know what to say and do to win an argument or come out on top. There are people who stand their ground, and knowing when to draw that line, wield their righteous anger. There are people who act aggressively toward those who threaten them. And then there are people like me.

I don't ever feel so angry that it trumps my apprehension. When faced with dangerous confrontation, I do what will get me in the least "trouble". I don't care about justice, when survival is a factor. I never feel confident that I'm right when "right" is subjective. I have been in more situations than I can count, where a better person would have gotten angry. A stronger person would have fought back. I don't possess that kind of courage. Anger is courage and power. I try to tell myself that self-control and acceptance are virtues, but in my case, they are just the product of fear, and not a conscious effort to be a "good" person.

TMB's experience is understandably concerning. It would be even more concerning if it didn't disturb him at all. But his reaction was reasonable. Someone acted threateningly, and he responded in kind. He had the strength of will to act.

 

[TheManBeyond]

vindictive but merciful tremendously beyond i am

nah, i experience these episodes of extreme violent thoughts but i try to calm down and normally succed. i think i might do some boxing or something to troll all the stress and frustrations away. or yoga

 

[Yellow]

vindictive but merciful tremendously beyond i am

nah, i experience these episodes of extreme violent thoughts but i try to calm down and normally succed. i think i might do some boxing or something to troll all the stress and frustrations away. or yoga

Yoga and boxing sound good. I like your non-trolling contributions. I'm sure I'm not alone in that sentiment.