The Hell of Finding Another....

[Stoic Beverage]

Really, the only place I meet people is at school, which I'm forcibly surrounded by horrid amounts of them. I've met one other INTP, and for the short amount of time I was around them it was great. Talking for hours on end about anything, really. I really liked that, and would like to have friends who I could just talk with like that. But here's the evil part. The only way to surround myself with friends is if I act differently than I would by default. Sure, I get friends, but they're nothing like me and I must maintain a facade of personality to even fit in that group. To surround myself with like-minded people, I imagine I would have to act naturally. But this would mean not speaking to anyone in school. That type of behavior prevents meeting anyone. So, it seems near impossible to find a person similar to myself. It's horribly frustrating. To my point. Do you associate yourself with similar people? If so, how in the name of Slartibartfast did you find them? Or, as I wouldn't be surprised, are you a total loner? Sometimes, it just seems so much easier...

Alright, I'll shut up now.

 

[Auburn]

Do you associate yourself with similar people?

For brief periods of time, I did.. currently, no.
Though I must admit I haven't truly been looking.. <<

If so, how in the name of Slartibartfast did you find them?

Honestly, I don't think there's any specific place that will give you a high chance of finding them, but some that just might have them:

• Game Shops. Here in the US there's something called GameStop, and all employees are, pretty much by necessity, lifetime gamer addicts. If you're into gaming, you're bound to find good conversation with one of them. Just approach them with casual conversation pertaining to their game interests or yours, and who knows, maybe they're INTP and maybe that could lead to some weekend gamer get-togethers. And there's a good chance they'll have connections to many other nerds/geeks - thus merging you into that group.
• Card Shops. Well I say this because I'm a long time yu-gi-oh fan, but I've found a lot of similar minds gather when they have card tournaments. Magic The Gathering works too. If you develop a habit of attending their weekly tournaments, for example, you'll make some connections with analytical minds and that friendship can potentially span outside of those weekend events.
• Tech/Electronic Stores. Many employees who work in the electronic sections of Best Buy, Radio Shack, etc - are college students who are working a job to help them get by in the meantime. Again, it's a gamble, but it's possible that you'll find analytical minds here too. Start, for example, by talking about the inflated prices of new hardware - the economics of technology - and the conversation may end up being philosophical by the end. Then they'll probably tell you they need to go back to work. Oblige. Come back some other day, have a similar conversation, maybe casually ask them about their shift schedule (and then perhaps use that as a channel by which to invite them to hang out some time they're free).

The truth is that despite their true nature, INTPs are often socially masked, and thus you'll have to approach them in a semi-conventional/typical way initially until they discover you're a human with depth behind that mask also - and then you can both lose the masks and geek out together.

..in theory..

Or, as I wouldn't be surprised, are you a total loner?

I don't know..
Usually that becomes obvious when one is in school, but not being in school atm, I have no reference point.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

To my point. Do you associate yourself with similar people? If so, how in the name of Slartibartfast did you find them? Or, as I wouldn't be surprised, are you a total loner? Sometimes, it just seems so much easier...

Alright, I'll shut up now.

I really don't seek out introverts, they're boring . In highschool I found myself friends of an ISFJ, an INFP, (quite possibly) an INTP, and occasionally an INTJ. It all happened naturally, we just sort of gravitated to one another.

I can say that I have felt (and, in my eyes, even been) friendless. Like now, I will not be calling anyone up or visiting someone in the near future. There are no plans to get together.

Take advantage of being in school, it's even harder to associate with people when you're out. Don't try to limit yourself to certain people, just start speaking up in your classes more often.

 

[Words]

Interaction somewhat energizes me, so I don't have to go against myself. You can wait for people to go to you, I guess? lol.

 

[Auburn]

@ ESC - Ah yes. good point. my post is written from the perspective that your school has no such people, thus suggesting external options, but similar minds could be hiding in those crowds. Speaking up shamelessly in your natural strengths might catch their attention, and they'll find you. But if both parties are being quiet/secretive, then... =/

 

[Zero]

Even though I will get into very long conversations with other nerds, sometimes it's frustrating and takes forever to get away from....
. . .

 

[BitRogue]

RThe only way to surround myself with friends is if I act differently than I would by default. Sure, I get friends, but they're nothing like me and I must maintain a facade of personality to even fit in that group. To surround myself with like-minded people, I imagine I would have to act naturally. But this would mean not speaking to anyone in school.

My school years, especially high school, were not easy. I was genuinely the guy who was always teased and picked on. And the last chosen for the football team.
What I found myself doing, right up into my 30s (and even now at some socials), was that I was doing what I just recently discovered as becoming a chameleon. For a long time I thought I was just a body filled with all these different personalities I had picked up when interacting with different people. But what I was really doing was just changing my behaviour ever so slightly in order to just fit in. It was mostly a subconscious thing, just based on the need to 'fit in'.

I still do this now, but much less so because I've become fairly confident in how I see the world. But it really did take a long time.

That type of behavior prevents meeting anyone. So, it seems near impossible to find a person similar to myself. It's horribly frustrating. To my point. Do you associate yourself with similar people? If so, how in the name of Slartibartfast did you find them? Or, as I wouldn't be surprised, are you a total loner? Sometimes, it just seems so much easier...

I am really this loner who doesn't need to be social with anyone, but I think a lot of people have gravitated towards me in recent years and want to include me with things. I'm OK with that now but I actually look forward to being alone now. But back in school I thought it important to fit in. For several years until the year before I graduated, I was pretty much alone. I wanted to be friends with people, tried hanging out with the cool crowd, but ultimately spent most of my time reading in the library during breaks. The thing is, they never really become your true friends. But even so, its probably good to try, if for no other reason than to not get caught in the trap of being blatantly anti social. (Which probably doesnt mean that much at school anyway)

I work for a pretty big IT company now and Ive discovered that most of the tech guys are xNTx types, mostly INTJs, which will give you a great base for becoming good friends.
I'm afraid the outlook is a bit more bleak with the girls, however. You should pretty much be aiming for an INTJ or ENTP girl, but they are rare. VERY rare. You will need to be patient. I got my first girlfriend 6 years after school.

 

[CoryJames]

Beggars can't be choosers.

I myself have worn a mask for a long time. You are saying you want to be yourself. You are, apparently, someone who wears a mask. Why not be that? I have met numerous great people by wearing my mask. I have become very conditioned to having it on. It used to get tiring to wear it. Now, I only rarely get tired and if I do, I just retreat to the comfort of solitude for a while, tell people I am dealing with something, and they accept it.


My mask has become a large part of who I am. Take sports for example. At first, I was a bit of a brain, musician and a bookworm. However, my father felt it necessary to force me into sports from a young age. Initially, I hated it, and only tried to excel to make him happy, which brought me boyish joy. When that faded, I did it to maintain connections to people, "friends" if you will. It was still a burden, but one I became used to bearing. Now, sports are a great outlet for me. They relieve stress and give me a chance to achieve glory and have camaraderie. I pride myself on the body sports have built for me. I played numerous sports as a child. Football, baseball, hockey, lacrosse, soccer, and basketball. In highschool, it was mandated to do an "activity" each season. As much as I might have liked to retreat into the great curriculum offered and put sports on standby, "art" did not seem like a good activity for me, as I suck at arts, so I chose to continue in football, hockey and lacrosse. I ended up ending my highschool career as a football captain and all-new england lacrosse player. I quit hockey senior year after a problem with the coach, and captained a "personal fitness" team as an alternative to art as an activity, and organized competitions with other prep schools in the area.

Though looking at my life from the perspective of my childhood this does not seem a likely path, or a healthy one, and though at first I did not like it, doing something outside of my comfort zone has bettered me as a person, expanded my horizons, and has let me meet a diverse and interesting group of people. Like-mindedness is not the only qualification for friendship. To those close enough to me to see a little behind the mask, I add something to their lives as they have to mine.

Now I am in college and have retired from my classic sports. I have a chance to focus on studies, which I love. I stay active though. I play rugby, as it is not an NCAA sport and thus is run by the players and not the school. This provided me with an immediate friend group and older mentors. I also helped to found a fraternity, and as a founding father, I am able to add my own values and spin to the creation, and in future years, the vector I placed it on will help attract like minded people to pledge.

Though I do not agree that your predicament is truly a predicament, I will still try to help. Places I found somewhat like minded people: Honors/AP classes. National Youth Leadership Forum on Law (though that was invite only. I guess get your name out there so that if things like that happen, you get invited). Starting clubs for things I was interested in. I love Harry Potter (the books, only) so I started a Harry Potter club in highschool. We spent the entire first meeting wandering around campus looking for sticks and then whittling them into wands, talking about anything and everything. Those were great conversations. You can even just start a random conversation about something you are interested in and see who takes.

Yes, I will admit that sometimes I was sad that I never found many people a lot like me. But if you are pro-active, it can be done, and you don't have to go around wearing a sign saying "I am different then %97.2 of you. Searching for the other %2.8"

 

[Vrecknidj]

... So, it seems near impossible to find a person similar to myself. It's horribly frustrating. To my point. Do you associate yourself with similar people? If so, how in the name of Slartibartfast did you find them? Or, as I wouldn't be surprised, are you a total loner? Sometimes, it just seems so much easier....

I spent a lot of time from my childhood through my teens and into my early 20s trying to figure out just how to be. I understood that I was different from almost everyone else, but, over time, I developed a few good relationships with a few people. For reasons I couldn't understand, some people seemed to like having me around and I was occasionally invited to do things with others. My social skills were subpar, but I had no problem just letting others lead and make decisions and I just played along.

Eventually, I found a few people to be more compatible than others. I found a few were more willing to explore engaging ideas than others. I found a few who were willing to accept my nerdiness.

However, I really didn't find peers until after college.

Frankly, all this stuff about friends and relationships and whatnot takes a while. Perhaps it takes longer for introverts than extroverts, and perhaps it's a little harder for Ns than Ss. But, really, if you can be patient, it happens.

Dave

 

[JarNew]

Good luck. None of my friendships are based around conversation really, the one's that were were with sketchy kids.

I think those kinds of friends come later on in life when you're put in situations such as careers or interests through the law of attraction.

My friendships are based around activities. Snowboarding, raving, video games.

Try getting to know people. People really have no problem conforming in order to keep friendships alive, if you're a good friend and they see you like mental stimulation and they have the potential for it as well then it's possible they'll conform.

A few of my friends did that only to get their brains fried lul

 

[valiums]

a total loner

Almost. I have friends, and they are wonderful people, but I'm usually shaking or in tears after trying to socialize for hours.

I usually let my friends "live and let live", sort of, but I think in college I'm going to try my hand at the whole mask thing. Nowhere to go but up!

 

[SpaceYeti]

Almost. I have friends, and they are wonderful people, but I'm usually shaking or in tears after trying to socialize for hours.

I usually let my friends "live and let live", sort of, but I think in college I'm going to try my hand at the whole mask thing. Nowhere to go but up!

Mask? That old cartoon show with the awesome transformeresque toys?

 

[AlisaD]

I'fdtry to go with be yourself, and as openly as possible.
I was probably a bit lucky, as I went to a school for kids who are very good at mathematics, which pretty much means socially awkward weirdos, so it was a bit easier to find people who I could relate to and it probably helped me build up the confidence that there are people who will like me for who I am. And some people do. The others can just go fuck themselves. Or live happily ever after - whichever.

Oh and, CoryJames+His Mask+Sports = The Stockholm Syndrome

 

[Ermine]

@ the OP: I find it easiest to find friends by joining groups corresponding to your interests, be it sports, classes, workshops, whatever. That way, even if there's nothing to say, you can still do something and bond with the people in the said group. However, are you sure you want to find another INTP? My experience only has so much credibility since I've befriended only one INTP. However, I've noticed that we don't have that much platonic chemistry IRL because we know that we're super similar and we know we have a ton of interests in common, and neither of us are particularly talkative. As a result, there's little between us IRL but mutual understanding. It's almost like talking to a male version of myself with a different upbringing.

 

[shoeless]

you don't have to find people with the same personality type. i promise if you try hard enough you can be perfectly compatible with different people of different types. just have to find people with similar interests who are open and receptive to your ideas. (believe it or not, there's plenty of those people around.)

 

[zackp24]

I have a small but very close group of friends, and slightly larger group of friendly acquaintances. Basically, I made all of my friends through being completely open and talkative about things I like and are good at. As I did that, the people who found my interests and passions (and by extension me) interesting would end up coming to me, and we'd build a friendship from there.
Sure, you're interests may be extremely far removed from those of the vast majority of the population (as are mine), but do you really want to spend time with people who hate the things you love?
As far as how to go about this, regular interaction at school provides plenty of opportunities. As was noted above, when in a class on a subject you're passionate about, speak up! In ordinary conversations, just watch for a chance to steer them towards those things you care about and can really talk about. If it doesn't work with one group/person, screw it, move on to someone else.

 

[Stoic Beverage]

I think I may not have been clear. I have no trouble finding friends, it's just I find no friends that are... "worthwhile".

 

[zackp24]

Yes, but in your first post you point to the fact that you're putting up a facade to gain and maintain these friendships. That's not how you'll find people you are similar to, you should be upfront and unapologetic about who you are. How can like-minded people find you if you pretend to be otherwise?

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Yes, but in your first post you point to the fact that you're putting up a facade to gain and maintain these friendships. That's not how you'll find people you are similar to, you should be upfront and unapologetic about who you are. How can like-minded people find you if you pretend to be otherwise?

+1

I think I may not have been clear. I have no trouble finding friends, it's just I find no friends that are... "worthwhile".

Friends should be ends not a means(imho).

There are two causations for friendships: similar interests and bonds. Focusing on just similar interests, which probably accounts for the least amount of friendships, will prevent you from being able to form connections with others.

 

[Stoic Beverage]

Yes, but in your first post you point to the fact that you're putting up a facade to gain and maintain these friendships. That's not how you'll find people you are similar to, you should be upfront and unapologetic about who you are. How can like-minded people find you if you pretend to be otherwise?

I was perfectly myself for about 2 years. Complete loner. I didn't mind it a bit, but I always got crap from my family because I "never go out". For that period of time, my mom seemed completely convinced I was severely depressed, and gave me a suicide talk every couple weeks. She's well-meaning, but it really started to get annoying. Now, I "go out". I don't care for it, but it makes her happy, so I continue.

 

[zackp24]

The thing is, be yourself, except for "I don't like talking so I'll be myself by not talking to anyone." Hiding is also not going to help you find like-minded people. Being more open and talkative doesn't have to mean putting up a complete facade about who you are and hanging out with people who fit the facade.

 

[JoeJoe]

I was perfectly myself for about 2 years. Complete loner. I didn't mind it a bit, but I always got crap from my family because I "never go out". For that period of time, my mom seemed completely convinced I was severely depressed, and gave me a suicide talk every couple weeks. She's well-meaning, but it really started to get annoying. Now, I "go out". I don't care for it, but it makes her happy, so I continue.

Is your mother an ENFJ?

 

[Stoic Beverage]

@JoeJoe
I suspect, but I'm not sure.

@zackp24
I don't just sit in a corner. If someone is near, I'll put up a bit of small talk. You know, keep up social norm. It's just that it doesn't go beyond that.

 

[zackp24]

Okay, what sort of small talk is it? I am completely unable to partake in small talk (I just don't know how) so when I talk, I'm saying something that matters to me, usually from that I'll find people who I like talking to and we build a friendship from there. Do you make small talk using the facade you've built up?

 

[knightofni]

The thing is, be yourself, except for "I don't like talking so I'll be myself by not talking to anyone." Hiding is also not going to help you find like-minded people. Being more open and talkative doesn't have to mean putting up a complete facade about who you are and hanging out with people who fit the facade.

THIS.

be yourself, but never puss out on something because of an individual weakness or fear. In my life, all the most amazing happenstance occurrences have always risen out of those uncomfortable, ‘suck-it-up-anyway’ moments. We can’t expect much out of the alternative…

I've always grilled the social people in my life, and every time, they mention that this part of life sucks for them too. They put on a game face and see what happens...

 

[knightofni]

I was perfectly myself for about 2 years. Complete loner. I didn't mind it a bit, but I always got crap from my family because I "never go out". For that period of time, my mom seemed completely convinced I was severely depressed, and gave me a suicide talk every couple weeks. She's well-meaning, but it really started to get annoying. Now, I "go out". I don't care for it, but it makes her happy, so I continue.

My MIL is ESFJ, and one of the only people to really bother me.... ever. She says almost the exact same thing about 'going out' and/or 'having friends'. She likes to gossip to anyone who will listen about how weird I must be to want to read books instead of having superficial encounters with other ladies. Looking into her type, I know that the social world governs her life... she is extrovert, and in her case, thinks and judges people in respect to what works for her. Sometimes. she also confides in me about the emptyness she feels within herself. No one has it 'right'. We all have our own weaknesses... and, conversely, amazing gifts of insight.