Tackling this personal issue from an INTP perspective. [Help Wanted]

[Spectrum]

Yeah last post since forever....anyway.....

So there's this girl that I've been friends with for the last 400 days (i think?), and she's killing me. We have seemed to reach a high level relationship, in that we bear a strong connection (or so it would seem). The issue? I was just as attracted to her as I was the day I met her. In fact, I believe that my feelings have grown stronger. They won't go away! I'm 17 so my blasted hormones are raging, and she's making it worse. Typically, I lose interest in a girl anywhere from a month to six at most. For her, no......The attraction remains, and probably grew. We have classes together, and we sit near each other. Talking is something we do often of course, and I almost see an attraction mirroring my own in her beautiful green eyes (she hasn't gone out with another guy despite them flirting with her constantly). Although I can't be sure. My friends continuously tell me to ask her out, because apparently they somehow know for a fact that she likes me by the way she acts. I think they want to see that; they have no proof of their claims. She has even told me that her friends thought there was something going on between us.

To be honest, I'm terrible with the relationships bit. I never really cared about them until she came along. Her beauty, intelligence, and acceptance (and interest) of my personality/nature lures me in. It fucking burns, and I don't know what to do. I can normally control my emotions by analytically deconstructing them, but I can't win this inner struggle by the looks of things. I feel like I'm being torn open from the inside out. I've felt extreme feelings for other girls, but nothing like this. The intensity won't diminish......I don't know what to do at this point. I see several logical explanations for future possibilities, however no personal path for me has been set.

Judging from the information above, what should I do? Outside help is something I typically never need, but this burning within me is almost unbearable. It's difficult for me to understand. Yes I know, my feeling side is underdeveloped.....but where do I go in your opinion? If you need more information before giving advice, then by all means ask.

 

[Alice?]

Go for it, ask her out. From the simplest point of view, what do you really have to lose?

 

[Spectrum]

Go for it, ask her out. From the simplest point of view, what do you really have to lose?

It would be extremely awkward if she does not share the same feelings. Especially since we are good friends and are in each other's presence often.

 

[Alice?]

It would be extremely awkward if she does not share the same feelings. Especially since we are good friends and are in each other's presence often.

Yes, it would be awkward, but that always lessens with time.
But the question is, are you truly happy with the relationship as it is? Will you be content always ONLY being a friend and nothing more? Think about that.
Sometimes chances are worth taking.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

You have to search within yourself to find the answer to your questions. I think it's best if you determine whether you really want to love her and become more involved or if you just want to possess her, because of your fascination.

On approaching her you should break it down calmly and comfortably. Offering the relationship as a suggestion to take your friendship to a new level would probably work better than declaring your intense feelings for her. If you want to get creative try telling her through some sort of intellectual/mental game or something.

------------
For your consideration:

You are still young and need not get serious about relationships so early. You can just go for it, but first determine if your friendship is worth the risk.

 

[dreamoftheunknown]

Bite the bullet and ask her out. Whatever the outcome, at least you'll know. Otherwise, you'll always wonder what might have been her reply, leading to further torment. Put yourself out of your misery. Ask the girl out.

 

[IfloatTHRUlife]

First decide, like mentioned above, if it will really be worth it. Which, i would say you should, dont expect so much from the relationship, and just try to have innocent fun. I say innocent because if you are more in it for sexual desire than the experience of the relationship, i wouldnt recommend it.

From there its pretty simple to figure out if she feels the same way you do.

Talk to her, there is no big secret to it. People get so caught up in the thought of rejection in these situations, that they plot out how to get around it and lose sight of the obvious. If you stop one day while you guys are talking and simply express how much you enjoy spending time with her and talking to her, and be genuine about it, just make it a statement, and dont have any expectations attached, you will get a more clear signal.

I am a man so i cant say for sure, but i bet any female on this forum will agree with me. Women respect, and react to confidence. If you make a move, you are sure of yourself, and you dont go about it in a stupid way, she will probably give you a chance unless she just doesnt want to be in a relationship, in which case, dont be so worried, she is your friend, she will understand.

 

[chuhulil]

I'd say just do it. Ask her out.

You first need to figure out if it's worth it. Do you really like her enough to go for it? If the answer is yes, then I'd say you sould ask her out.

Otherwise, it's just going to remain eating away at you like this. You'll never know, and you'll never have some peace of mind. If she says no, then there isn't much you can do. It might be a little awkward for a while, but you'll get over it and it will smooth over with time. If she says yes, that's great!

 

[Melllvar]

I was in a fairly similar situation (not exactly the same though) about 5-10 years ago. I totally fucked it up. But don't let that discourage you. The main lesson I got out of it was that it's pretty much futile to fight those kind of strong feelings. In my case she just wanted to be friends and I tried that for years and it nearly killed me. So my recommendations are:

1) Go for it. If she says yes, great, and if she doesn't, maybe the rejection will help break your attraction to her. I have no idea how you should do it. I'm definitely not the person to ask for advice on interacting with women. I definitely wouldn't come out telling her your deepest feelings though: that generally just freaks them out.

2) If she's not interested in you romantically, and the feelings don't go away, you might be better off ending your friendship. May sound harsh, but I learned the hard way, some feelings just aren't suppressable. If you don't believe me, just imagine how you're going to feel when the "friend" your practically in love with starts dating some asshole you can't stand.

3) You're right to be skeptical of other people telling you she likes you. People often say that stuff even if they don't have a clue what they're talking about.

4) If she's bringing up the fact that other people think you guys are together, it's almost certainly on her mind and she probably wants some kind of resolution to it. I read that as either "I'm sick of people thinking we're together when I just like you as a friend" or "can't you tell I like you, even other people are saying it, hurry up and ask me out." But I have no idea which.

This comes from many years of experience failing with women. I'm a total expert on that. If she actually likes you back then I have no clue, you're on your own.

 

[MrSandman]

It's your call. Will you take a leap of faith or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?

 

[Mello]

It's your call. Will you take a leap of faith or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?

INCEPTION

 

[Jennywocky]

INCEPTION

nice.

My advice: Be normal. Just tell her you want to spend more time with her, and set up some dates.

Don't dump all the intense stuff on her. That can be scary for a girl to know how to respond to. It's too much, too fast. And all of it's stuff that is just happening inside your head, it's not yet reflected in reality. What you want is for reality to (hopefully) catch up with whatever is already in your head... so just start investing more in your actual relationship with her, and spend time together one-on-one. Do simple dates.

My other advice is, despite how things feel to you now, probably this relationship is just the first in a string of relationships that will teach you more and more what it means to be in a relationship. You're an INTP, so you'll try to intellectuall figure it ALL out ahead of time and only invest in a relationship that intellectually looks like "The One." That's actually not a great strategy because people aren't theoretical, they're people, and you'll need to develop some actual life experience with relationships to become better at them.

I would hope this would take the pressure OFF you to "do everything exactly right so you don't ruin your one big change to find someone." It's just a girl you like, who you feel intensely about; so talk to her, spend time with her, and play it by ear, and learn.

 

[ememisya]

Hahahaha excellent! I was human after all!

This is the worst puzzle of all, since it's one that doesn't involve pure logic. This is where you turn off the analytical machine, and turn on the animal pun intended.

From my experience, most girls tend to expect the guy to take the first step in asking out, or in kissing, or even later on to say "I love you". It looks like "the chemistry" is there, she likes you, you like her, which means you just need to seal the deal.

Start a conversation, squeeze in a few related jokes to relieve the tension (control your breathing ) and say something along the lines of, "Wanna catch a movie later on?" or "Got any dinner plans for the night?"

She'll usually let you know when she is available, or she'll say she is busy and/or make up an excuse along those lines.

Just make sure not to project a massive commitment right off the bat. Everything casual, no strings attached, just offer a good time, not a contract.

Watch her facial reactions and body language to gather the best results. If you detect that asking her out made her uncomfortable, retreat! Say you gotta go to class, I'll see ya around etc., pull out nice and easy.

Lol it's not the end of the day if you are rejected, you'll be better off knowing and bettering yourself where you failed rather than hurting over could-have-beens.

I hope it works out for you dude Let us know.

 

[Lex]

It seems to me that you are over-thinking this, as INTP's (I imagine) are wont to do.

You can either let things continue as they are, which would be easiest and least likely to damage the relationship, or you can air out your feelings (yes people, YOU DO HAVE FEELINGS) and either a) reap the benefits of her returned affections or b) get rejected.

Since she is your friend, and from your description a very close friend, I can't imagine her hypothetical rejection being very hurtful/mean. She would probably do her best to let you down easily, if that ends up being the case, which I kind of doubt.

Just remember that at a certain point thinking isn't going to get you anywhere. It becomes either do or die- I would recommend doing.

 

[giaduck]

I know this may sound harsh, but just do it. If she rejects you: there will always be another girl somewhere along the line. There comes a time when you just have to go with your heart, especially [from what I gather] when you are so into this woman. You can take the leap, and get a wonderful result, or you will be rejected and will have to move on. In the worst case scenario where she says no, at least you'll learn something from the experience.

I agree with what Jenny says: Don't dump all your emotion to her all at once. Take it slow, show that you are interested in more than just friendship, and let her take the bait. Women are like fish (don't take this offensively girls!), you've got to give them some slack, and then reel them in. Take the first step, but let her make the choice so she feels like she's in control (This is all in a general sense, obviously some women are different).

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Take the first step, but let her make the choice so she feels like she's in control (This is all in a general sense, obviously some women are different).

I've heard something similar about girls being more likely to say yes if you don't pressure them because they're so used to being hit on. Something like "Here I am, take it or leave it, doesn't matter to me". I don't know what kind of girl goes for that, but it does seem likely to happen.

 

[giaduck]

I've heard something similar about girls being more likely to say yes if you don't pressure them because they're so used to being hit on. Something like "Here I am, take it or leave it, doesn't matter to me". I don't know what kind of girl goes for that, but it does seem likely to happen.

Yeah I've heard about that as well. But speaking from personal experience, maybe because I am a "P" I don't like feeling pressured to make decisions. In my own time, however, I will come to a decision-or not at all.

 

[pjoa09]

I can't be serious here because I don't really understand where the ISSUE is.

I'd say " This been long over due, and I just gotta make love with you", followed by some cheesy musical.

It would've been a real issue if she didn't give a fuck about you. Now that has happened to me and in that case you would need to consider drinking and partying until your soul is puking.

Right now, this is fucking lottery.

Ask her out.

The way you are describing it, it seems like you are actually bragging about it and disguising it as an ISSUE.

And it is something to brag about, especially amongst INTP, virgins aren't rare here, possibly minority? But I am 19 and a virgin so I see that as a nice brag.

Keep going and you have sex. That should pretty much ensure that the basic goal in life is possible.

Just being straight up and immature.

P.S Dont postpone, you will suffer, we are prone to emotional outbursts and it is dangerous. A thinking introvert is a ticking time bomb when there is no love, not a firecracker.

 

[Jennywocky]

I agree with what Jenny says: Don't dump all your emotion to her all at once. Take it slow, show that you are interested in more than just friendship, and let her take the bait. Women are like fish (don't take this offensively girls!), you've got to give them some slack, and then reel them in. Take the first step, but let her make the choice so she feels like she's in control (This is all in a general sense, obviously some women are different).

Lol... well, I think "fish" is actually a slang compliment today in some circles. I particularly like one of the alternate definitions at http://onlineslangdictionary.com/definition+of/fish, since they used my name in the example:

acronym for "fit, intelligent, sexy, hot". (In other words: attractive, intelligent, attractive, attractive.)

Jenny is such a fish!
​

But the rest? Hilarious. Do you realize how often women talk about how to get a guy, the same way? "Let the guy take the initiative and give him just enough play to make him keep coming in, so he feels like it's his idea and he is in charge."

It makes me wonder sometimes who is catching who!

I've heard something similar about girls being more likely to say yes if you don't pressure them because they're so used to being hit on. Something like "Here I am, take it or leave it, doesn't matter to me". I don't know what kind of girl goes for that, but it does seem likely to happen.

Depends on age, for one, which indirectly factors in life experience.

At the beginning, the need for self-affirmation wars with anxiety over knowing how to respond to the guy and whether or not he's worth the commitment.

After that, maybe we will be more self-confident and less need the attention, plus maybe we've gotten a bit jaded due to our experience.

Realistically, if the guy is hitting on us, we have the power, so there's often no need to exercise it. We know he wants us; we just have to decide whether we want to follow up. We just don't know why he wants us. And if he seems desperate, that's often a sign (with experience) to stay away from him; intense guys can sometimes create trouble and you can't get rid of them easily if you show any interest, they just latch on.

A guy who seems interested and warm but not just out to use me on a short fling is kind of intriguing, he's got a life of his own and is secure in himself, and if he left an opening, I might follow up on it just to explore it further.

 

[anyaa]

Dude....I learn't a BIG[hey hey ..it was just big for me.. ] lesson in my life in past 2-3 years...you shouldn't 'always' try to rationalize your feelings...sometimes you may even wrongly rationalize..interpret your feelings....(and then only regret if u ever really discover that)
What to go for (feelings) or (rationalization) -> totally situation dependent--

Imagining me in your place-> I'd be with my feelings as far as 'she' is concerned...

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Dude....I learn't a BIG[hey hey ..it was just big for me.. ] lesson in my life in past 2-3 years...you shouldn't 'always' try to rationalize your feelings...sometimes you may even wrongly rationalize..interpret your feelings....(and then only regret if u ever really discover that)
What to go for (feelings) or (rationalization) -> totally situation dependent--

I know what you mean when I realize a situation is a matter of my feelings, I just try to let myself go and be carried by my urges.

 

[anyaa]

I know what you mean when I realize a situation is a matter of my feelings, I just try to let myself go and be carried by my urges.

Ya...
escp. this person's case...
For me a matter of 'girl' is mostly governed by feelings..(with periodic tinches of rationalization offcourse)

 

[CoryJames]

Spectrum, coming from a man who has had considerable success in the lady department, I would recommend you sack up, locate your manhood, and make your move.

What you need to do is walk right up to her, look her directly in the eye, and tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your life. When she starts to laugh, pretend you are trying to keep a straight face, then laugh with her. Then you plan a situation where the two of you will be alone, and after you make her fall for you with your irresistible charm and you are both enjoying the warm feeling of a great night and good company, you look her in the eye again and you put back on your serious face and say, "remember before when I told you that you were the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?" and she starts to laugh again and says "yea", you keep on your serious face and say "I wasn't joking".

This is quite specific advice, I admit, and was meant to be a bit funny, but this general attitude is what will lead you to success, and this particular strategy has failed me a grand total of zero times, even in dealings with ladies of the highest caliber.

Like I said, make your move, if you really do like her. Like a wiser man than me once said, "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing."