Strong INTP, but lonely?

[intpz]

I started to feel lonely about 3 or 4 years ago... The feeling grew much stronger in the past year.
My theory is that I feel that way because I am unable to do anything from my hobbies list, which is quite long. I will not get into details why I cannot do that though, but basically the point is that all I can do daily is nothing that I enjoy doing.
I am a strong INTP from what I've read after I did some tests...
Any thoughts on that? Does anybody else feels that way? Especially people in a situation like mine... I should mention that I do not have a friend I can talk to too.
I do not like this feeling of loneliness much, I want to rip it off my head and stop thinking about relationship or something like that, this is the reason I'm trying to get opinions of people with similar thinking.

 

[Eimantas]

As an INTP you should think that everything is possible right? Right. I had a similar problem like you do now , i was lonely - not many friend , no girlfriend etc. (hence this was a long time before i knew i was INTP) What i did was - i have learned to socialize , meet friends , pick up girls etc. i have read several books , tryed various self-hypnosis stuff on confidence etc. And guess what , i have a girlfriend ( one of the hottest ones in town (not very big town tho)) and i got crapload of friends. Try a book called double your dating - really good tips and interesting theories about women. INTP + Book + Confidence = OMFG?

 

[intpz]

Yea, that would be one of the solutions... In fact, I wouldn't need a book, if I would want this solution. There is a problem though: I do not like meaningless conversations, people who doesn't understand half of the words I use in my sentence and I don't drink. That covers pretty much everything that most people does, doesn't it? I believe that most INTPs feels the same way, Eimantas.

 

[Eimantas]

Indeed alot of people tend to drink , and most of them really do not make any sense when talking to them , and dont understand what you might say. But maybe you are just hanging out with the wrong crowd? Crowds depend on age as well i guess , not that many types of them in younger ages.

 

[ElvenVeil]

Not having any friends naturally breeds lonliness. However you mention that you don't drink, but there is not an actual good reason for not doing so is there? If I were you, I would remove that personal rule.

If you wish the feeling to go away, then you must place yourself in positions where you could meet new people.. People are not as simple as you make them out to be, and there is a lot to learn from every type.. well most anyway

 

[intpz]

Yes, I think that's the case, however I seem not to be able to find any people that would have similar values, thinking or personalities as me. Nevertheless - I don't care about people or what they feel, most people doesn't like that.
Anyway, any more thoughts about this feeling of loneliness and how to rip it off? If anybody's tried hobbies after feeling like this, did it help? I am sure that an interesting occupation would help me shake it off, but I'm not sure, nor I'm sure that I can do anything like that because of my reasons.

 

[digital angel]

Is there a group you can join that's related to your interests? If you're in college, find out if there are any groups that you can join like a language club. You could also check out meetup.com. Alot of groups are available and you can participate in any events that you like.

I also encourage you to give yourself some time to get to know people. Let people take time to get to know you as well. If things don't work out....then keep moving forward.

 

[intpz]

Is there a group you can join that's related to your interests? If you're in college, find out if there are any groups that you can join like a language club. You could also check out meetup.com. Alot of groups are available and you can participate in any events that you like.

I also encourage you to give yourself some time to get to know people. Let people take time to get to know you as well. If things don't work out....then keep moving forward.

No, the only groups that are available are arts and sport, and I'm not interested in both. There is also language club, but it's only Russian, and I already know that language, so I couldn't really learn anything in there.
And yes, I checked meetup.com a few days ago, when I was looking for something like that. Only drinking club is available in my country. (1 club only!)

Not having any friends naturally breeds lonliness. However you mention that you don't drink, but there is not an actual good reason for not doing so is there? If I were you, I would remove that personal rule.

If you wish the feeling to go away, then you must place yourself in positions where you could meet new people.. People are not as simple as you make them out to be, and there is a lot to learn from every type.. well most anyway

Actually there is a reason... My father used to drink a lot, but I never knew him. He was an alcoholic, and there is a good chance that it will be addictive to me too according to many studies. Another reason is that people around drinks cheapest stuff which is strong, only to get drunk. And if we'd talk about me buying something different, and even what they drink - I still would need money to do that, which I do not have. My family is poor. No other good reasons not to drink...
Yes, I believe that I must find some new friends to make that feeling go away, but can this be the only solution?

 

[Aramea]

Many years ago I knew my life was going absolutely nowhere so I had to make some decisions regarding career and social matters. I didn't know about Jung and MBTI, but I did have a great therapist that undoubtedly did. He helped me get my head set right. I did work on my social skills and it helped quite a bit.

INTPs are known for "chameleon" behavior, ie, quickly summing up a crowd and blending in. It is almost automatic, at least for me. It has failed me before, but it is remarkable when it works. I suppose it uses Ne to size up the situation and Fe to relate. Ti seems to kick in when it comes to figuring out what to do. There is a cost, but isn't there always? I can be as smart or dumb as I need to be.

My advice would be to shave a piece of that chip off your shoulder and try to relate to people even if you think they have no value. There are true "low value" people, but I can usually find something worthwhile in a given situation even if it's just something I can regurgitate to someone else later. Your goal here isn't to solve the world's problems, it is to solve your loneliness. This naturally requires a different skillset. THINK about it - your thinking is an asset, use it. You may be surprised at how much people have to offer you. Eventually, you will find people that know shit you don't know yet. These "high value" people are gold so mine them.

Took me years to get anywhere, I admit, but I went from pissing off and losing what friends I made to being somewhat cool to be around. One thing that doesn't seem to go away is the INTP drone in my voice. Trying to sound "passionate" about something comes across as whining.

Find an ENTP to hang with if possible. My best friend of 20 years is ENTP and she took me on as a sort of project. I only figured it out later. She likes to figure people out and "fix" them. She can then be proud of her handiwork. ENTPs are our extroverted versions and very interesting to talk to. They also relate very well with the world and can provide some data on how to interact with people.

Nothing is overnight, but loneliness sucks enough to make the effort. It is fixable, but the onus is on you. Most people are not INTP and like things like "Dancing with the Stars" and agonizing over some asshole politician groping a staffer. Just nod a lot and find an opportunity to change the subject to something you are interested in like "did you see Michio Kaku's show on creating the holodeck"? If they haven't describe it and tell them where to find the show. Something like that. If the call you a geek, just laugh and admit to your geeky side. It will take practice, but you can see what I mean.

 

[Melllvar]

Any thoughts on that? Does anybody else feels that way? Especially people in a situation like mine... I should mention that I do not have a friend I can talk to too.
I do not like this feeling of loneliness much, I want to rip it off my head and stop thinking about relationship or something like that, this is the reason I'm trying to get opinions of people with similar thinking.

Been there, done that. I lived in a city for three years where I didn't know anyone. Only made one 'friend' the entire time, and he was a total fucking piece of shit (as an example, he's currently serving a 13 year prison sentence). Bad mistake on my part.

This probably isn't the solution you're looking for, but I actually find this place (INTPf, and other forums) does a lot to satisfy my desire to be around other people. I rarely see any of my friends, I work alone (except for the customers who I generally despise), so it's pretty standard for me to go weeks, even months, without really seeing anyone or talking to anyone. This used to bother me quite a lot, I mean it would really get to me, but I've found just writing stuff and talking to people online really satisfies a lot of that need. It's a crutch, sure, but just going out in search of any connection you can find is often a lot worse (see the above paragraph).

I guess this might sound silly, but next time you're feeling lonely just get on here (or any other place, Y! Answers or Reddit or whatever your preferred thing is - find a forum for your favorite books or TV shows or something) and write some long replies to stuff you find interesting/stupid/etc. It might make you feel a little better. Can't guarantee that it will, but it works for me often enough.

Edit: Oh, on that note you're always welcome to hit me up with random conversation, visitor message or PM or whatever. I'm usually bored and around a computer.

 

[intpz]

Many years ago I knew my life was going absolutely nowhere

Sounds exactly like I'm feeling right now.

INTPs are known for "chameleon" behavior, ie, quickly summing up a crowd and blending in. It is almost automatic, at least for me. It has failed me before, but it is remarkable when it works. I suppose it uses Ne to size up the situation and Fe to relate. Ti seems to kick in when it comes to figuring out what to do. There is a cost, but isn't there always? I can be as smart or dumb as I need to be.

Been there, done that. A few years ago - I used to go out a lot, not to parties, just to hang out with people. I didn't like it, it felt like I'm pretending to be somebody I am not.
Being a Chameleon means that you CAN blend in, but that doesn't mean that you will feel good about being there. Well, that's for me, at least.

My advice would be to shave a piece of that chip off your shoulder and try to relate to people even if you think they have no value. There are true "low value" people, but I can usually find something worthwhile in a given situation even if it's just something I can regurgitate to someone else later. Your goal here isn't to solve the world's problems, it is to solve your loneliness. This naturally requires a different skillset. THINK about it - your thinking is an asset, use it. You may be surprised at how much people have to offer you. Eventually, you will find people that know shit you don't know yet. These "high value" people are gold so mine them.

Yea, I agree with most of this... I don't know if many INTPs are interested in psychology, but I am, so it's quite interesting. Although, when I want to interact with them and maybe ask about their actions or get their opinions about something more deep than 'this beer tastes good!', it is not possible. Unless of course they smoked weed. I love going out with them then, you can argue with them, contradict, discuss, do anything! Sure it's not so fun, when you think that they are high, but it's still fun. Unfortunately they stopped smoking it a while ago. :/[/QUOTE]

Been there, done that. I lived in a city for three years where I didn't know anyone. Only made one 'friend' the entire time, and he was a total fucking piece of shit (as an example, he's currently serving a 13 year prison sentence). Bad mistake on my part.

Yea... I know the feeling.

This probably isn't the solution you're looking for, but I actually find this place (INTPf, and other forums) does a lot to satisfy my desire to be around other people. I rarely see any of my friends, I work alone (except for the customers who I generally despise), so it's pretty standard for me to go weeks, even months, without really seeing anyone or talking to anyone. This used to bother me quite a lot, I mean it would really get to me, but I've found just writing stuff and talking to people online really satisfies a lot of that need. It's a crutch, sure, but just going out in search of any connection you can find is often a lot worse (see the above paragraph).

Actually it does help, but only if I'm writing about the topic I am thinking about, trying to rationalize something and/or express some of my feelings (which is hard for an INTP to do).
Sometimes I write some long reply to one's topic, and when I finish writing, I think: why post it? Nobody's going to pay attention anyway, and it's the internet, I cannot attract attention by arguing and discussing about it. But I'm satisfied anyway after writing it, doesn't matter if I post it or not.
This isn't the solution for me though, because I don't really have anything to do (meaning anything that would interest me a lot, or at least moderately) due to lack of money, so my mind doesn't get off for long from the problem, just temporarily. Basically - I'm in almost constant feeling-bad situation.
Probably sounds silly though.

I guess this might sound silly, but next time you're feeling lonely just get on here (or any other place, Y! Answers or Reddit or whatever your preferred thing is - find a forum for your favorite books or TV shows or something) and write some long replies to stuff you find interesting/stupid/etc. It might make you feel a little better. Can't guarantee that it will, but it works for me often enough.

Edit: Oh, on that note you're always welcome to hit me up with random conversation, visitor message or PM or whatever. I'm usually bored and around a computer.

Yea, I've been doing that all day today. :P Quite an obsolete 'hobby', but hey - it makes you feel better.
Not as good, as I would want to feel, but it still takes off that deep 'pain' and makes you feel almost neutral.

P.S. Damn, I write long posts...

 

[Aramea]

Yea, I do understand the problem when you are trying to steer the conversation to something meatier and it just won't happen. It is good that you can "blend" so that you can socialize. I am better at small talk but that may be my age. The good thing about real small talk is that you can generally tune it out and think about something else. You won't miss much and chances are you are already pegged as a space cadet unable to follow conversations. Zone in periodically to follow along and either regurgitate Katy Perry's breast size or say "I don't watch 'Cake Boss', sorry".

If you want to find generally intelligent people to converse with try poker players or Linux enthusiasts. You proabaly have a local Linux user group close. Take a community college class in psychology (if you aren't already in school) or some other hobby that interests you. I met my ENTP best friend at a photography class. Even if you don't meet your new best friend at least you will learn something.

I actually have enjoyed my chameleon skills. I have honed them to the point that they really dont seem fake. They are a bit like Cinderella in that they expire around midnight and I tend to revert to an unpleasant form of INTP involving passive aggression. With too much interaction with people I tend to go into my cave for awhile. Actually, this is what it seems has happened to you. You may be ready to emerge from your cave and interact again. Enjoy it while it lasts ...

 

[Melkor]

Everyone is lonely.
You can surround yourself with people and be shouting to each and every one.
No matter how accurate your language is, or vivid your expression, human interpretation will warp your meaning. We're each trapped in a cage within our mind and noone can truly ever visit us within it.
We're all alone in our head. The trick is not to search for false external cures, but to be accepting of the fact and take crude joy in the harsh and meaningless nature of your existence.

 

[xbox]

I have to agree with the Chameleon thing explained above. Although its unpleasant, we can adopt it pretty well without it coming across as fake. Its unpleasant because we value the INTPness so much. I hold the belief that INTPs are anything but fake. It's just our more social face for the real world, slightly mended to fit the group for the sake of interaction.. yes been there done that. And ofcourse, then back to the cave to re-energize. I can identify with that pretty well actually.

 

[quacker]

Yea, that would be one of the solutions... In fact, I wouldn't need a book, if I would want this solution. There is a problem though: I do not like meaningless conversations, people who doesn't understand half of the words I use in my sentence and I don't drink. That covers pretty much everything that most people does, doesn't it? I believe that most INTPs feels the same way, Eimantas.

Wow, I was about to post the exact same thing. I am currently stuck in a small town and I have a few friends, but no one I can have a real conversation with. I don't drink either- a tough way to go sometimes. I am dying to get back to the big city where I can find people with similar interests.

 

[intpz]

Yea, that's one of the perks of living in a big city - more chances of finding somebody with similar interests. Downside is crowd though, I hate crowds.
Never have been in a big city though, and never have been outside of my country. My whole country in population is like Chicago, or maybe 100.000-200.000 people less.

 

[Yet]

Aramea:

INTPs are known for "chameleon" behavior, ie, quickly summing up a crowd and blending in. It is almost automatic, at least for me.

hey I did not know that but I do recognize it ! Always made me feel a bit 'funny' ... good to read about it here.
I think I do that so I do not stick out and attrackt attention.

 

[Yet]

Everyone is lonely.
You can surround yourself with people and be shouting to each and every one.
No matter how accurate your language is, or vivid your expression, human interpretation will warp your meaning. We're each trapped in a cage within our mind and noone can truly ever visit us within it.
We're all alone in our head. The trick is not to search for false external cures, but to be accepting of the fact and take crude joy in the harsh and meaningless nature of your existence.

Strong post, I agree & actually, realising this makes me feel the opposite of lonely, however they may call that

 

[Wintersun]

I understand exactly how you feel. Most people I can't relate too, hence why I threw myself into the military. Now I have a good friend who makes computers for a living, and 3 other good friends with whom I have common interests in. You just have to throw yourself in at one point and just conform, you'll be surprised at who else is hiding among the the other people.