Something, something, sex.

[Yellow]

Probably a big part of why this last year of me trying to lose my virginity has been failure after failure, then ending with a misleading let down. I think I have less confidence than I did when I started this whole thing. Stupid left over christian guilt, and cult brainwashing.

That is very frustrating, and more common than you'd think. Unfortunately, preoccupation with virginity, sex, and associated guilt is not healthy, and ultimately leads down the road to sexual (physical/psychological) dysfunction. Somehow, you just need to let things unfold naturally. Which, obviously, is much easier said than done.

 

[Jennywocky]

Craigslist?

 

[Helvete]

I find most peoples bodies to be better than their personalities.

 

[Grayman]

Not really. In some cases it makes me feel even worse. Although, date sites and such are hard for me to get into, because I feel like a loser, because I live with my parents. If things went well, I wouldn't know where to go. If I could even muster up the courage, sober, to do so. It's more than that, but if I knew those answers, I might be able to find my way through.

Probably a big part of why this last year of me trying to lose my virginity has been failure after failure, then ending with a misleading let down. I think I have less confidence than I did when I started this whole thing. Stupid left over christian guilt, and cult brainwashing.

..But enough about my lack of confidence and poor life choices

I grew up with jealous mother who taught me to hate my sexual urges and that to look upon a women that is attractive is disgusting and inappropriate. She spent a better part of her days angry and crying that her husband dare place his eyes on the flesh or shape of another woman. Her husband resorted to cartoons and older movies that wouldn't contain such 'disgusting atrocities' so that he would be safe from her jealousy. This did not help when walking the streets or going to restaurants and often the day would end with her coming into my room looking for comfort and validation and being the young boy that I was, I wanted nothing more than to appease her. She would tell me that I understood her and that I was so intelligent to understand her needs and that her counselors and others don't understand. She convinced me that I would be an amazing man and I wanted nothing but to prove her right and so I shoved all my desires deep within me and saw them as disgusting and an evil part of me that I needed to suppress and control. So I did.

I do not flirt with a woman for much the same reason. I would be disgusted with myself and hate myself.

The only way I got over it was finding a partner who not only desired but needed a strong relationship and gentle intimacy before sexual desire was expected. In this case, a women who wanted to be married before getting into a sexual relationship. It is considerably easier to express my desires once I have a strong emotional foundation and my partner not only shows a desire for my affections but expresses a 'need' for them.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

Well, that contained some rather disturbing Oedipal undertones, Grayman.

 

[Jennywocky]

 

[Grayman]

Well, that contained some rather disturbing Oedipal undertones, Grayman.

Yeah, I don't communicate with her anymore. She isn't a healthy person for me to be around.

 

[Quietude]

Closest for me would probably be demisexual (heteromantic).

Edit. I haven't really had a strong attraction to anyone I know in years. I am capable of having romantic feelings and being attracted to others, though for me it has to be the right combination of personality, appearance, and connection for me to begin to feel drawn to them; this combination of which I haven't figured out yet, nor do I put the effort in to getting to that point of connection.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I have high sex drive, but not enough confidence to act on it. I'm having trouble getting over the fact that male sexuality isn't always predatory and creepy. I feel predatory and creepy when I express sexuality.

I believe I have already begun the process of sublimating my libido into the desire for personal success. Application to intimate relations seem futile. At least I have desperate gold diggers to look forward to.

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zp6FNvUJ2BM