Socially Capable INTP's?

[Platypus]

I am assuming that most of you are INTP's like myself. I've noticed many references in this forum about INTP's being socially awkward, coming up with well-crafted jokes that no one understands, and being oblivious to the world around them.

I can't relate. It is true that I don't go out of my way to be with people and I probably call my parents once every three months or so, but when I am in a social situation, I feel like I can fit into any situation or group that i find myself in. It is exhausting at times, but most of the people I meet seem to really like me. They think that I am warm, funny, and sweet. the best way that I can describe my ability to charm people is like in the movie "The Matrix" after Neo is able to see the world around him for what it actually is and break it down to binary code, allowing him to perform super-human feats that essentially make him invincible. I feel like I can observe any situation and react appropriately.

I am constantly making clever jokes that are intelligent and most people think that I'm really funny too.

Anyhow, am I alone in the INTP world as far as this stuff goes?

I'd also be interested in hearing other people's takes on Social interactions.

 

[Jennywocky]

Your chances to be better at socializing are improved if:

1. You were raised in a situation where you had experience with social interactions and/or had to learn.

2. You're a Nine type and thus probably developed some people-managing skills.

3. You've developed some Ne skills (which it sounds like you've done -- for INTPs, it often comes out through humor, which we use to win people's interest and affection and admiration when we don't know how to interact emotionally).

There are probably other conditions as well, but I'll leave those to others to list.

I figured out a lot over the course of my life and can usually navigate social waters okay now, even being on good terms with many; it's simply that interacting with people, even in good ways, typically drains my batteries and I can only handle a certain amount of it until "the robot shuts down."

 

[Absurdity]

'Course it's possible. Just a matter of practice.

I think this is especially true for female INTPs and other supposedly awkward types, because they have to to master a minimal level of social capability pretty quickly once they hit adolescence as from that point on most of their interactions with guys entail playing for stakes, so to speak (i.e. they have to maneuver around dudes trying to sleep with them).

Males can "get away with" being more incompetent because there are far lower stakes, mainly just diminished social standing, which they probably disdain for anyway (but is this a genuine position or a post-hoc rationalization?). Anyway, for most a history there's been a glut of expendable dudes who never get a chance to reproduce and their social function was usually to die a violent death or join a religious order. Women are far more crucial for the continuation of the species.

 

[Helvete]

I agree with Jenny here with nurture and Ne playing an important role. In social situations for me I'll usually sit back and listen until either; a really stimulating topic of conversation comes up, or I have a chance to speak with one of the people or have spoken to somebody already one on one. This doesn't always have to be alone if the others are willing to listen and not butt in, but usually alone helps.

It's like I have an on/off switch, where I don't engage or fully engage. Most of the time not engaging but when the switch goes to 'on' then I go full throttle and take everything really seriously, even when making the most ridiculous jokes/ideas or connections. People will often find this funny and amiable and will be liked for it although equally it can often cause awkward moments when they don't understand and are alienated. I never know how to act when the latter happens, to try and explain it or let it slide? Explanations can bore people in my experience and letting it slide leaves me with thinking of all the thoughts they have speculating about me, not understanding. Tricky decision aha.

By far the easiest option though is to let others talk about themselves, just ask the odd question here and there to carry the flow of conversation. People are normally happy enough to oblige.

 

[Platypus]

Your chances to be better at socializing are improved if:

1. You were raised in a situation where you had experience with social interactions and/or had to learn.



My mom trained me like a dog. Every time I would treat someone wrong, she would give me a lesson and make me make it right. She is an ISFP.

 

[Grayman]

as from that point on most of their interactions with guys entail playing for stakes, so to speak (i.e. they have to maneuver around dudes trying to sleep with them).
.

The female social dynamics that exist within their own gender is very complex and it has nothing to do with boys trying to sleep with them. Some of it is competition between girls trying to get with the singular idealized boy.

 

[RandomCh33se]

I've had the help of a psychiatrist in training me how to respond in social situations ever since I was four. So yeah it is very much possible as long as the social training is initiated early and guided from then on.

 

[TBerg]

I've had the help of a psychiatrist in training me how to respond in social situations ever since I was four. So yeah it is very much possible as long as the social training is initiated early and guided from then on.

Did you have a governess, too?

 

[RandomCh33se]

Does a paranoid mother count?

 

[Platypus]

I think we are very adaptable and have an ability to interpret any situation. My wife is an INTJ and really struggles with that. I'm constantly having to explain human behaviors and translate what people are trying to say to her. On the bright side she provides the structure that I can't provide for my self or simply don't want to e.i. Paying bills on time planning, ect.

 

[TBerg]

Does a paranoid mother count?

Only if she got a stipend from your dad.

 

[RandomCh33se]

close but no cigar...
I guess not then

 

[Platypus]

i wasn't sure what the enneagram types were, so I looked into it.
INTP type 4w5.

 

[nanook]

the five is characterized by internally retreating from emotional involvement and can optionally feel compelled to compensate for it by creating a particularly social persona. social, not genuinely emotionally evolved. the five wants to be in control of it's own emotional experience, which is most easily achieved by retreating but sometimes the five wants to extend control over the social experience, so that the emotional aspect of interaction can also be in control, then it goes toward enneagram seven or eight like behavior, it tries to play the scene. the challenge is to overcome the urge to seek emotional isolation which is achieved by overcoming the spiritual attachement to mental control.

(in my limited experience, when enneagram fives become overly social, to compensate for their inner detachment, they try to do helpful but awkward stuff, like taking group photographs or they love to interview people, i see this on youtube. they try to organize social get togethers. it's a far cry from being a matrix-esk pick up magician. the conversational magic is the matter of naturally extroverted types, like seven and eight and two or three)

the four has feelings of being incomplete, sometimes interpreted as inadequacy, sometimes denied through a display of pride and the four is all about longing for completion through emotional relationship to the world and specific idealized people and is offering itself to such relationships. it tends to avoid schizoid control of or responsibility for it's "own" emotions, because it feels that it can only achieve emotional harmony through emotional involvement and investment. the challenge is to overcome the urge to seek to involvement, to find some sort of equanimity, serenity, composure, which is achieved by overcoming the attachment to controlling your experience through controlling relationships. while the four can overcompensate the feeling of insecurity about it's own identity by being extremely analytical about psychological stuff, they don't actually act from the head. their over-analysis is often much like a means of procrastination of choosing independence through mental control. "i can't quit this destructive relationship, because i have not understood it completely yet"

 

[nanook]

many extroverts don't understand what introversion is and mistake themselves for introverts because of it.

needing some alone time now and then does not constitute introversion.

intuitive extroverts also tend to confuse intuition with introversion. the "idealistic" enneagram seven has a strong need to frame itself as being "from a different plantet", because it fears getting under the wheels of the mundane reality of sensation. it wants to be a magician and a magician "works alone". mentally. which can be misinterpreted as introversion. but the magician works very much inside of the world, not just inside of his head. or to put it differently, his head is filled with the world, as is.

introversion is a complex attitude about things, which depends on type, but the attitude of dominant Ti is very different from the weak attitude of auxiliary Ti, which is always put into perspective by the dominant attitude of Ne.

no matter how aware a Ti dominant person is of the possibilities of Ne, it's very unlikely that they could give up their Ti attitude, because it's not wrong by any means, it's a grown philosophy and you would have to add some Ne philosophy, while integrating it with the given Ti philosophy.

that is to say that Ne doms make mistakes, from the perspective of Ti doms. these mistakes are called fucking around. and fucking with people. therefore Ti doms will never "learn" how to fuck around or how to fuck with people. it's not viewed as the superior way.

 

[WALKYRIA]

I'm an INTP 5W4 sx/so... we the best .
how many are here, shy but mysteriously romantic and charming ?
I'm a philosopher, but also an intellectual but also I'm an individualist and love art and esthetics.Sx/ So means that I love to have sex with girls and that i'm not too socially dumb because girls love socially ok men... also it means that me being very attractive and having social status is too important for me even though I'm a shy guy, I still will fight to death for my beloved one.
(sorry i was bored again.)

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

There are, it's enough to be entertaining/engaging to be socially capable.
Emotions are not required to succeed in this (see sociopaths), however emotions are likely required to be bothered to focus on and maintain the healthy social circle.
It's just that it's not the favoured way of achieving things for INTP's.

As for the things that can only be achieved socially, not being able to do them as a result of ones personality probably means that there are some mental issues.

 

[chuck]

There is no such thing as a socially capable person. Show me one and I'll show you an incapable one.

I'm hanging out on jury duty and have time to kill. Watch out before I kill something else. That should get me off any case if I don't hide my attitude.

 

[Oddity]

1. You were raised in a situation where you had experience with social interactions and/or had to learn.
2. You're a Nine type and thus probably developed some people-managing skills.
3. You've developed some Ne skills (which it sounds like you've done -- for INTPs, it often comes out through humor, which we use to win people's interest and affection and admiration when we don't know how to interact emotionally).

There are probably other conditions as well, but I'll leave those to others to list.

4. You weren't consistently treated like shit for not being an SJ (or not being a TJ, or just not a J, or just not an S...)

Sx/ So means that I love to have sex with girls and that i'm not too socially dumb because girls love socially ok men...

Well then, how do you do it? And how old are you? As a socially awkward (male) INTP who can't get their life together, I don't even know if it's possible to find somoene to sleep with.

As for the things that can only be achieved socially, not being able to do them as a result of ones personality probably means that there are some mental issues.

Yeah, but I've only found SJ therapists who were basically useless at understanding me, as to be expected. I don't know where those NF ones are... probably the $200/session ones.

 

[toosolidcuuj]

As an INTP female, I find that I can be very socially accommodating when I feel relaxed. Also, I do my best when meeting new people. When it comes to long-term friends, I tend to attract people more socially inept than I am. Especially if they're feeling particularly starved for affection, they soak up whatever my inferior Fe can produce. But usually I'm not relaxed in social situations, so I get quiet and withdraw. And of course my episodes of social accommodation leave me feeling very drained as they do most introverts.

 

[WALKYRIA]

Well then, how do you do it? And how old are you? As a socially awkward (male) INTP who can't get their life together, I don't even know if it's possible to find somoene to sleep with.

Learn being the best social chameleon possible; Learn what extroverts do naturally= enjoying socialisation and being in a group.( they get dopamined by it). Use your Ne and Fe... Suppress or minimize your Ti or use it to support Ne endeavors.( like telling jokes and not only funny ones but interesting and thought-provoking jokes).
Suppressing Ti means stopping criticizing yourself or others.

The hardest thing is leaving secrecy... yes, because you know, INTPs we are highly secretive and sharing our longtime philsophical observations on life is not the most accepted thing to do.( My family and classmates bashed me for being so mysterious about my life... but whose life is it?)

INTP come off many times as ENTPs if they are in a great mood...
If you want to get ladies, first thing is create yourself a great and consistent reality... Girls will come by themselves. Be positive... I used to naively believe that girls were attracted by my "sad" self and that they thought it was cute... but nope. Sad people are rejected.
I specialized in club getting girls.. U get the best of it there, especially if you are an introvert. Otherwise other venues necessitate great social abilities and you can't mess it up too much otherwise people blame you and criticising for not dating the right person...

In clubs or in gatherings: be positive, project a good mood( try it to be as genuine as possible), dance calmly, project coolness and confidence, listen to people, say something sometimes.

Really being socially capable means different things depending on the context and the goal of the socialisation... Do you want to make friends or you just want girls to get laid?


I'm 25 but I started socialisation with delay( at 18-19).

 

[Oddity]

If you want to get ladies, first thing is create yourself a great and consistent reality...

What do you mean by that?

 

[JansenDowel]

I don't get called awkward; so I don't think I am. Its quite possible that everyone is too polite to say anything, but I seriously doubt it.

You're funny? I wish I was.

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

For me, I don't really care if people like me. I want them to respect me.

 

[Oddity]

For me, I don't really care if people like me. I want them to respect me.

Why? Sounds like an xxTJ thing.

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

Why? Sounds like an xxTJ thing.

Well, I'm thinking about if I'm INTP or INTJ for more than year, and still don't know answer. I'm socionics INTP, so some people say I'm INTJ then, but INTP better describe me in MBTI. I'm Ti man. But also have well developed Ne, Ni and Se.

It's like my true nature was INTP, and my perfect imagine/view of myself was INTJ. My unconsciouness is INTP, counsciouness INTJ. Strange thing yeah?

 

[Direwolf]

Once i get a little uncomfortable i become a "bit" eccentric. The awkwardness soon follows. Followed by an uproar of laughter. I still dont get it?

 

[nearfantastica]

It completely depends on my mood... If I'm in a good mood my Ne comes out to play and people tend to see me as charming and funny. But when I'm in a bad mood, I probably look really unapproachable. I'll just sit on the outskirts of socialization and quietly brood, haha.

 

[Mithrandir]

I wouldn't say I'm socially capable per se, but I've learned the ropes enough to safely navigate most social situations. I say "learned" because it definitely doesn't come naturally. If I'm in a medium to large group of people (5 or more typically), I tend to get uncomfortable and retreat inside myself unless I purposefully resist. If I'm meeting a new person, I tend to be very reserved and cautious until I can assess the situation, as if there's a delay while I'm scanning the person to determine the correct approach in which to engage them. If I can't properly assess the person or if I sense a clash in personality, I may just forgo engagement altogether. This can become awkward at times, for me at least, but I've never really felt the social obligation to carry a conversation for its own sake, especially when small talk is involved.

The biggest personality conflicts I've noticed for myself are with personalities too dissimilar to my own, as well those too similar. In the prior, especially with sensing types, I find it difficult to even find anything to talk about, besides the weather of course. In the latter, I find the conversations rather indulgent, overly critical, and often somewhat combative.

My happy medium is usually with NFs, especially INFs. We tend to have conversations that are deep, constructive, productive, and often with similar interests and complimentary insights. I never feel like I can go too deep with an NF, and they are genuinely interested in what I'm saying. They're definitely along for the ride and they are typically the best audience for my brand of humor as well (dry, sarcastic, contextual, inside jokes, etc.). I'd venture to say nearly all of my best friends have been NFs and my wife is an ENFJ.

Speaking of my wife, I tend to take A LOT of social cues from her, Fe being her dominant, supported by Ni in her auxiliary. She is the queen of quickly assessing a social situation and seamlessly executing the appropriate social and emotional response. I can almost always be at ease when I am in a social situation with her because she will often act like an ambassador between me and the group. Unless it's someone I already have a rapport with, in which case she takes off my training wheels.

The older I get, the easier it seems at least.

 

[Armature_Sally]

I'd also be interested in hearing other people's takes on Social interactions.

I was quite social and well-liked growing up, and never felt uncomfortable in social situations, though I didn't seek them out like most did. I learned early that people generally like to talk about themselves, so if i'm ever lost for something to say I get them talking about something they care about. Often this is boring but at least it's not awkward, and it's often educational.

But I am notably quiet in groups unless I know everyone very well. I dislike making the assumption that they care what I have to say, and also don't get a kick out of sharing my opinion - I learn more from listening than talking, so unless I want to steer the conversation in a particular direction I usually keep pretty quiet. Most people don't mind. Some find the reservation intriguing.

Conversely, one-on-one or in small groups of friends I am often a bit of a looney. Sometimes my jokes aren't understood. My friends are fine with this and usually laugh at my eccentricity.

BUT I struggle to find social groups that are entirely fulfilling - people who are openminded and interested enough to talk about big ideas, yet also don't take themselves too seriously. I like a mix of discussing big ideas and also little ideas embellished with fiction, just for the humour/beauty of it.

Any tips for finding people like this?

 

[Architect]

As JW says INTP's need to rely on a developed Ne and (somewhat) Fe skills to socialize.

It's also worth being cognizant that, if you are an INTP, you don't have a great need for socialization compared to other folks. In extraverted cultures like the U.S. it's easy to get oversocialized, because it's pushed on us so much.

I was raised in a very social household (ESTJ & ESFP parents) so got that by default, with the problem being that I was trained to be more social than I was really comfortable with. It can be difficult to come to grips with that kind of disparity, and it wasn't until midlife that I could "calibrate" myself down more to my natural bent. Now I purposefully and naturally have very little social interaction which is much more to my predilection.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

The biggest personality conflicts I've noticed for myself are with personalities too dissimilar to my own, as well those too similar. In the prior, especially with sensing types, I find it difficult to even find anything to talk about, besides the weather of course. In the latter, I find the conversations rather indulgent, overly critical, and often somewhat combative.

My happy medium is usually with NFs, especially INFs. We tend to have conversations that are deep, constructive, productive, and often with similar interests and complimentary insights. I never feel like I can go too deep with an NF, and they are genuinely interested in what I'm saying. They're definitely along for the ride and they are typically the best audience for my brand of humor as well (dry, sarcastic, contextual, inside jokes, etc.). I'd venture to say nearly all of my best friends have been NFs and my wife is an ENFJ.

.

That's been my experience as well. I can almost immediately sense when I'm in the presence of someone very dissimilar and we just don't have much to say to each other except polite small talk. With other NF's, since I'm INFJ, we can have great conversations and lots of resonance but there isn't the ping-pong effect that can take each other higher. The conversations with NTs (especially INT's) are the most satisfying. It hits the right note. Complimentary is the best I can put it. Resonance with challenge that spurs each other forward and deeper.

 

[Grayman]

Speaking of my wife, I tend to take A LOT of social cues from her, Fe being her dominant, supported by Ni in her auxiliary. She is the queen of quickly assessing a social situation and seamlessly executing the appropriate social and emotional response. I can almost always be at ease when I am in a social situation with her because she will often act like an ambassador between me and the group. Unless it's someone I already have a rapport with, in which case she takes off my training wheels.

My wife is also an ENFJ. I get the same feeling but sometimes her Fe gets overly aggressive and being the observer I can see how she is continuously missing the mark and handling a situation in a way that might be better handled with a scapel instead of a hammer. She is also good at guilt tripping which I usually respond to others "Don't let her guilt trip you, just do what you feel you need to do." specifically right in front of her when she is going to far with it or she isn't aware of her natural tendencies. It may seem aggressive for me to respond like that but really I am interacting in the way she does, tit for tat. Many times the guilt trip she imposes is very deliberate because someoen failed to meet certain expectations. For example: She is a teacher and when parent continually don't read to their children she will take their log and mark in red every single part and write "didn't read to child" just to point out to the parent they are failing to meet her expectations and to 'influence' teh parent to step up. It is hard to explain but she is very blunt about what she is saying and what expectations she has for people without actually saying it.

 

[redbaron]

Good. Parents who don't read to their kids are fucking idiots

 

[Jennywocky]

Good. Parents who don't read to their kids are fucking idiots

I bet you read that in a book somewhere.

 

[Grayman]

Good. Parents who don't read to their kids are fucking idiots

Don't get me wrong. I do like her stance and agree with it often enough. It was just a good and more recent example of how she communicates.

What is different from her to me is taht she she skips out on the whole dialog of "I am worried about so and so's reading. Is there something I can do to help? I know you don't have a lot of time at home and all with work and being a single mom so I don't want to push you too hard but so and so is falling behind on their reading and I feel it is important we work something out."

She goes striaght for the throat and yes I envy the time she saves doing it but....

 

[BrainVessel]

I can switch on an exterior ESTP personality on a whim, but it's exhausting. If I feel the need to make someone like me for any reason, that's what I do. Otherwise, couldn't give two soggy lumps of bread about what most people think so I tend to waddle around looking slightly angry and lost which keeps people away for the most part.

 

[wilsonwatson]

If I'm around people who I haven't earned respect for, ie people who just seem ordinary and not intuitive enough for me to have a real friendship with them, then I can act completely normal socially. Well I say completely normal, it comes off as comedy I suppose, though I still don't really connect with them on any "touchy-feeley" level.

When I'm around someone I respect, however, I get really nervous and quiet because I actually care about their opinions. This leads to me socially shutting down and not interacting at all. Apparently I must still be doing something somewhat right, because I've managed to become good friends with people in this manner, it just takes a year or so for me to warm up to them.

The best combination is when I meet someone and peg them as not being very intuitive, so I quickly get to know them and then find out they are actually much more intuitive than I initially realized. All in all I still only have a few close friends, and the people I get to know who are less intuitive generally just annoy and exhaust me.

I can't really control which strangers I have good social skills with, it just happens.

 

[StevenM]

For me, it depends on how serious a person is. Upon first encounters, I'll bait with a little bit of goofiness to test a reaction. If the person plays along, then hilarity intensifies. I find humor the best social lubricant. It gives me the indication that I can be as weird as I want, without fear of criticism.

Most of the time though, social instances turn out to be an interview, with questions more focused to gauge my status, popularity, wealth, and maturity. It seems like I'm being measured and compared. That's when I lock down into awkward introvert mode.

 

[Idunno]

For me, it depends on how serious a person is. Upon first encounters, I'll bait with a little bit of goofiness to test a reaction. If the person plays along, then hilarity intensifies. I find humor the best social lubricant. It gives me the indication that I can be as weird as I want, without fear of criticism.

Most of the time though, social instances turn out to be an interview, with questions more focused to gauge my status, popularity, wealth, and maturity. It seems like I'm being measured and compared. That's when I lock down into awkward introvert mode.

Tmills are u an intp?

 

[StevenM]

Tmills are u an intp?

I think I am. Not entirely sure.

 

[Idunno]

I think I am. Not entirely sure.

I tend to find myself relating to many of your posts, but I could've sworn you said you were infp somewhere here

 

[TheManBeyond]

not even lovecraft would have thought of such a putrid idea

 

[Mithrandir]

BUT I struggle to find social groups that are entirely fulfilling - people who are openminded and interested enough to talk about big ideas, yet also don't take themselves too seriously. I like a mix of discussing big ideas and also little ideas embellished with fiction, just for the humour/beauty of it.

Any tips for finding people like this?

I would recommend finding a local boardgame group to participate in, for a few reasons. First, you are likely to find intelligent INs and NTs there who you'd probably share many thought processes with. Second, interaction will occur naturally while the rules, questions, and answers are interchanged, which makes starting a rapport almost effortless. And third, even if you don't like anyone there, you'll still have something to do (playing a boardgame) where complete silence is completely acceptable and not awkward. Furthermore, if you develop a genuine interest in boardgames (an industry which has had an explosion of quality in the last decade), you'll always have something to talk with them about while increasing your critical thinking.

My wife is also an ENFJ. I get the same feeling but sometimes her Fe gets overly aggressive and being the observer I can see how she is continuously missing the mark and handling a situation in a way that might be better handled with a scapel instead of a hammer. She is also good at guilt tripping which I usually respond to others "Don't let her guilt trip you, just do what you feel you need to do." specifically right in front of her when she is going to far with it or she isn't aware of her natural tendencies. It may seem aggressive for me to respond like that but really I am interacting in the way she does, tit for tat. Many times the guilt trip she imposes is very deliberate because someoen failed to meet certain expectations. For example: She is a teacher and when parent continually don't read to their children she will take their log and mark in red every single part and write "didn't read to child" just to point out to the parent they are failing to meet her expectations and to 'influence' teh parent to step up. It is hard to explain but she is very blunt about what she is saying and what expectations she has for people without actually saying it.

I don't think this is something my wife would do. One of her driving motivations is social harmony, and she doesn't react very well to social discord, or negative feelings. She can become rather aggressive when pushed, but it's usually a last resort for her. She can be quite negative in private about people who create social discord in her life, but she will hardly ever express that to them as she'd rather maintain the harmony. She will readily dole out critical advice to anyone she thinks needs it, but it's usually wrapped in a positive exterior.

That's been my experience as well. I can almost immediately sense when I'm in the presence of someone very dissimilar and we just don't have much to say to each other except polite small talk. With other NF's, since I'm INFJ, we can have great conversations and lots of resonance but there isn't the ping-pong effect that can take each other higher. The conversations with NTs (especially INT's) are the most satisfying. It hits the right note. Complimentary is the best I can put it. Resonance with challenge that spurs each other forward and deeper.

Yes, definitely complimentary and natural, where conversations seem to propel themselves forward without either party feeling like they have something to prove to the other. A mutual respect.

 

[Grayman]

I don't think this is something my wife would do. One of her driving motivations is social harmony, and she doesn't react very well to social discord, or negative feelings. She can become rather aggressive when pushed, but it's usually a last resort for her. She can be quite negative in private about people who create social discord in her life, but she will hardly ever express that to them as she'd rather maintain the harmony. She will readily dole out critical advice to anyone she thinks needs it, but it's usually wrapped in a positive exterior.

My mistake. My wife is an ESFJ not an ENFJ. My wife seems to drive for harmony also but will rock the boat when people neglect responsibility. I think to her, responsibility is essential to the success and the conformity of the collective. Conformity = Harmony.

 

[dark+matters]

I'm socially okay provided I have a lot of energy, I'm in a good mood, and I'm in an environment in which honesty and self-expression is encouraged. Any kind of thought-suppression, control, or encouragement to be insincere, I can't handle. Although most employers/teachers/etc. have described me as "responsible" I often view sensor beliefs about "responsibility" as invasive, artificial external control.

 

[Mithrandir]

My mistake. My wife is an ESFJ not an ENFJ. My wife seems to drive for harmony also but will rock the boat when people neglect responsibility. I think to her, responsibility is essential to the success and the conformity of the collective. Conformity = Harmony.

Ah, I can totally see that. My wife's brother is ESFJ so I know the type well. I find them incredibly intriguing yet terrifying at the same time, probably because they seem to have none of the inhibitions I have.

Her brother can be rather intense and all about conformity and responsibility, a penny pincher, a hard worker, and somewhat ocd with his clothing and environment. I can totally see him handling the situation you described the same way as your wife. A very bold yet soft character he is

 

[manishboy]

This is exactly my experience:

I can't relate. It is true that I don't go out of my way to be with people and I probably call my parents once every three months or so, but when I am in a social situation, I feel like I can fit into any situation or group that i find myself in. It is exhausting at times, but most of the people I meet seem to really like me. They think that I am warm, funny, and sweet... I feel like I can observe any situation and react appropriately.

So it's not only charming, but abrasive, enthusiastic, solemn... whatever the situation needs. It's taken a while to get good it at. In the early days, I'd often miss the mark, presenting a persona that was out of sync with the context.

There's a downside I've found. The ability to mold my approach is based on a weak sense of self, who I am and what I really want. The more I've gotten in touch with a sense of self, the less I've involuntarily cast myself into situational roles.