Social Mirroring

[DreamMancer]

I find that when I'm around acquaintances, especially new acquaintances, that I unconsciously construct a "social persona" that matches or mirrors their own - this allows me to be generally open to their points of view, sympathetic to their concerns, etc. It is relatively easy for me to be anything to anybody - it seems to happen sometimes without my knowing it.

It also leads me into being passively dragged along by them into bad situations. I can't even count the number of times I've become enmeshed with people that I don't really like, but have somehow allowed to drive my social and emotional responses. Later, when I am alone and have dropped my social mask, I am able to objectively analyze the situation, and proceed to kick myself for being so passive.

After a couple of nasty episodes, I think I have finally gotten a handle on this pattern, and am much more cautious about erecting social barriers, keeping a firmer sense of myself, etc. I am resolving not to ever let this happen again.

I am wondering, is this an INTP thing? Or is just an individual issue? Have any of you fellow INTPers had this or similar problems?

 

[Dr. Freeman]

It's a fairly common INTP characteristic, and one I have noticed in myself very frequently.

 

[Ink]

I guess most INTPs does this from time to time, I try to stop myself whenever I do it now though, I don't want to dsable my Ti in that way.

 

[DreamMancer]

I'm glad it's not just me. I really felt I was going crazy for a while.

For me, at least, I think this comes from my tendency to see every side of an argument; in a similar fashion, I find myself able (or at least willing) to try and see the other person's point of view, and to try and accommodate that as best I can to avoid conflict. On the positive side, I think this makes me pretty easy to get along with; the negative, of course, is that I can allow myself to become passively swept up by other people. Rather than simply being accommodating, I wind up actually assimilating (at least to some extent)

Like I said, though, now I've gained some awareness of this problem I feel I have a better handle on it.

 

[Intellect]

I am wondering, is this an INTP thing? Or is just an individual issue? Have any of you fellow INTPers had this or similar problems?

It's a fairly common INTP characteristic, and one I have noticed in myself very frequently.

Interesting, I'm the same way. I always thought it was just a unique personality quirk... I've always felt it was a great trait, actually. It's been really useful for professional networking and making friends comes naturally.

Though, like you said, I have gotten myself into some rough situations this way :P

 

[DreamMancer]

Interesting, I'm the same way. I always thought it was just a unique personality quirk... I've always felt it was a great trait, actually. It's been really useful for professional networking and making friends comes naturally.

Though, like you said, I have gotten myself into some rough situations this way :P

Yeah, job interviews are a breeze for me (my main challenge is not getting bored and frustrated after I'm hired). I find it's easy for me to make casual friends, but more difficult to establish deep friendships since most people don't understand me; this post from the INTP tumblr pretty much sums up my situation (thanks for sharing that, Absurdity!)

It's definitely a trade off; I like being able to adapt myself to different social settings, but if I allow myself to be too malleable I am liable to forget who I am and what's important to me.

 

[Jennywocky]

I am wondering, is this an INTP thing? Or is just an individual issue? Have any of you fellow INTPers had this or similar problems?

Like others have said, it seems fairly common -- I've seen this thread on various forums a number of times in the past. Not a rarity.

I don't see it necessarily as a negative, I think the mirroring serves a valuable purpose -- it's a way to relate when you don't feel confident socially or aren't sure what the rules or expectations are with the other person. It's actually a pretty smart strategy, and follows the "tit for tat" strategy in the Prisoner's Dilemma: You do something positive as your first step, then mirror what the other person does.

I do think it can be a problem, though, in the way you mention, when you feel like you are being passive, not actively putting yourself out there, and end up being subsumed into the other person and not getting what you need out of the exchange. People also think that you are someone you are not, and then can feel surprised when you finally do start being yourself instead of just mirroring them.

This last bit is something I've actively been working on in the last number of years. Sometimes it's hard, I find it very easy to mirror others, and it takes energy not to mirror and instead exert myself and my own needs and desires without fear of screwing something up in the process. But I think it's important that we learn how to do so.

 

[DreamMancer]

Like others have said, it seems fairly common -- I've seen this thread on various forums a number of times in the past. Not a rarity.

Interesting. I am definitely glad I am not the only one who does this!

I don't see it necessarily as a negative, I think the mirroring serves a valuable purpose -- it's a way to relate when you don't feel confident socially or aren't sure what the rules or expectations are with the other person. It's actually a pretty smart strategy, and follows the "tit for tat" strategy in the Prisoner's Dilemma: You do something positive as your first step, then mirror what the other person does.

I had never made the connection before with the Tit for Tat strategy but that is a perfect description of how it seems to work for me.

I do think it can be a problem, though, in the way you mention, when you feel like you are being passive, not actively putting yourself out there, and end up being subsumed into the other person and not getting what you need out of the exchange. People also think that you are someone you are not, and then can feel surprised when you finally do start being yourself instead of just mirroring them.

Exactly, especially the last part; I was once even in a situation where a friend said she was in love with me, but she had no idea who "I" really was, because our interactions had basically been me just mirroring. That was awkward, to say the least, and it did not end well.

 

[Dr. Freeman]

A relevant link.

 

[Intellect]

Yeah, job interviews are a breeze for me (my main challenge is not getting bored and frustrated after I'm hired). I find it's easy for me to make casual friends, but more difficult to establish deep friendships since most people don't understand me

Yeah, I definitely share that difficulty with establishing deep friendships. My closest friend is probably the only person who truly understands me and he's another INTP.

I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Quality over quantity, I guess!

It's also difficult for me to really open up to people. The friends that I do have deeper relationships with tend to have similar personality types (INTx, for example). I guess there's a natural level of understanding there that doesn't require me to open up and share too much.

 

[DreamMancer]

A relevant link.

Chameleon Blend....I like that. It also sounds like some kind of cocktail. That's a good point about being able to kind of "refresh" your persona.

Yeah, I definitely share that difficulty with establishing deep friendships. My closest friend is probably the only person who truly understands me and he's another INTP.

I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Quality over quantity, I guess!

It's also difficult for me to really open up to people. The friends that I do have deeper relationships with tend to have similar personality types (INTx, for example). I guess there's a natural level of understanding there that doesn't require me to open up and share too much.

I also prefer quality over quantity. Usually when I've gotten myself into sticky situations, it's because I was lacking both in my relationships.

 

[Sensi Star]

Yes, I have exactly the same tendency. And yes, I too have been swept up in social activities that I later regretted.

Though I seemed to have learned from those mistakes, and overall this is an advantageous trait.

The main problem is it makes dating impossible. Women absolutely DEMAND for potential mates to have a strong sense of self, a solid ego. This is partly the explanation for why women prefer jerks over nice-guys.

 

[DreamMancer]

The main problem is it makes dating impossible. Women absolutely DEMAND for potential mates to have a strong sense of self, a solid ego. This is partly the explanation for why women prefer jerks over nice-guys.

See, I have had had the opposite problem and have had women interested in "me" because I was apparently able to be exactly what they wanted. I think what you are saying is valid, but there are also some people out there (men and women alike) who are so desperately lonely that if you come off as somebody who is at all like them, they will instantly be interested in you.

It definitely hasn't been my experience that all women, categorically, prefer jerks over nice guys.

 

[Sensi Star]

It definitely hasn't been my experience that all women, categorically, prefer jerks over nice guys.

Right, but I would say the vast majority. It is subconsciously hard-wired into females to seek out the "alpha-male" (the jerk) over the "beta-male" (nice guy).

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Don't get lost in how others expect you to behave, people get used to what suits them.
Don't blame others for assuming what you are, when you don't assert yourself enough.

Right, but I would say the vast majority. It is subconsciously hard-wired into females to seek out the "alpha-male" (the jerk) over the "beta-male" (nice guy).

Beta males would be the alpha male followers / cronies. The patterns exist, but society takes these concepts too far.

 

[Akuma]

I only wish I could rid of this awkwardness while mirroring the mood.
Outside of kicking yourself, the only other problem would be people considering you to be "fake". =_=
Most of my friends consider me to be very emotional, giggly, shy and awkward, while I'm alone I'm just aloof, stoic and overly critical.

Right, but I would say the vast majority. It is subconsciously hard-wired into females to seek out the "alpha-male" (the jerk) over the "beta-male" (nice guy).

I would say the "alpha-male" and "beta-male" are about masculinity vs. femininity not a jerk vs. nice guy... I've known plenty of asshole "nice guys".

 

[lucky12]

Why not recall memories of fitting alpha characters and mirror them?

I think social mirroring exists in everyone to a degree.

 

[Dr. Freeman]

Why not recall memories of fitting alpha characters and mirror them?

I think social mirroring exists in everyone to a degree.

It does to some extent, but it is notably prevalent in INTPs.

 

[Duxwing]

Odd, I've been known to be the exact opposite to a fault, I still test out as INTP, though. Perhaps I'm just not afraid of conflict (unless it gets so heated that I fear for my safety) and will gladly debate, even to the point of being a little "too" aggressive.

-Duxwing

 

[TooktheAtrain]

Right, but I would say the vast majority. It is subconsciously hard-wired into females to seek out the "alpha-male" (the jerk) over the "beta-male" (nice guy).

I think that's quite a gross misappropriation of evo-psych.

'Alphas' as colloquially referred to attain their status by subjugating others, and 'betas' are defined by their subordination to the alpha.

However, I think human relationships (not necessarily romantic and/or sexual) are far to nuanced to be simplified to such an extent.

Further, I would argue for a classification of person who exists outside of the group dynamics of alpha/beta. One that does not predicate his identity upon the subjugation or elevation of others relative to himself.

I satisfy (or strive to) the latter category, and interpersonally speaking, I get on okay. (Not exactly Don Juan, though)

 

[SLushhYYY]

I believe that social mirroring is natural, seeing as to form a true connection with another individual includes having similar interests, laughing at the same things etc. "Mirroring" works as to better interactions between individuals.

Those with established egos, however, may not possess this capability. Peace and comfort is my motto when it comes with dealing with others, real conflict should be looked over. I will respect your view of the world, as long as you accept mine. Same goes with actions.

 

[Santiago]

Between myself and the few other INTPs I know (about 2). I have noticed that beyond have different "masks" we also seem to take on certain traits of friends on occasion. Examples would be that for a while when I concentrated hard I would occasionally stick my tongue slightly out, this is something a friend of mine did, once I stopped hanging out with him the tendency faded. Another example is from one of my INTP friends who has begun to make boop noises occasionally when poked, this only started this year after becoming close to another friend who does exactly the same thing. It may be just a coincidence, but I feel that it likely isn't due to our tendency to conform to different social groups in the first place, I feel that it is simply one of the mechanisms we use to do so.

 

[DarkRoom]

Absolutely, I have different masks for different social situations which, I suppose, is why social situations are so exhausting for me. For most of us.