Should people tell their friends what their friends want to hear?

[scorpiomover]

It seems to me that these days, a lot of people seem to think that everyone should agree with them, and say what they want to hear, and if they don't, they must be trolling.

This seems grossly unlike a friend.

Example: Imagine if you had an idea to take heroin. But you are unsure if that's a good idea. So you ask your friend. He agrees, because he doesn't want to displease you. So you think he also thinks it's a good idea to take heroin. So you take heroin, get hooked, and become a heroin junkie.

Another example: Imagine if you were worried about being attacked, and are thinking about getting a gun. But you don't really know how to handle a gun, are unsure if that's a good idea. So you ask your friend. He agrees, because he doesn't want to displease you. So you think he also thinks it's a good idea to buy a gun. So you buy a gun, shoot someone by accident, he dies. You go to prison for several years, where you get raped and brutalised by the other prisoners dozens of times. You come out an ex-con. No-one wants to hire you for a decent paying job.

Would you want a friend to encourage you to become a heroin addict, or go to prison for murder, just because you had a few crazy ideas every now and then, but tried to check them out with your friends to make sure that you weren't going to do something crazy?

Would you call a person who agreed with you like that, a "friend"?

Or do you think that friends are people who are emotionally supportive of your ideas/goals, no matter how wrong, stupid and destructive they are?

 

[birdsnestfern]

Well, in your personal world there is one answer and in your professional world, there is another set of rules.

In personal, no, that means you are being manipulated by peer pressure.
Definitely step away from that friend.
Your only real friend is yourself. Forever more, you must know nobody will ever care about you, MORE than YOU care about you.
So, recognize you are your own best friend and value yourself.
So, see people as just being reflections of themselves, they don't know you from a hill of beans. Anything they say shows you how they think about themselves. It doesn't work for you the same way.
I think many people are using people as means to make themselves look good and you don't have to do that, you want to make YOUR life a place in the SUN and real for you.

With some egos, they need constant approval, and its not your job to do that, to be used like that, step away.
Now, with kind, sensitive people, that you aren't close to, just keep it light, you needn't say anything too truthful unless a situation that is VERY important to you.
In the aquaintance situation, you can say things to stay polite and kind, truth is not as important as just using good manners.

But when its someone you live with, are close to, or when something affecting you deeply, and or is upsetting someone or you, then communicate YOUR truth gently. Teach how to improve something.

Don't just say you are upset when they do such and such, tell them what you NEED to fix it.

In a garage repair shop, when they didn't fix something and you paid for it, you can employ the broken record tactic. At first, give the benefit of the doubt, state clearly the issue, and clearly the resolution you want.
Be calm on the first approach. If they don't fix it, then keep repeating yourself like a broken record and keep ramping up. Ramp it up each time with what you will do, if not, putting more and more power behind you.
Learn some conflict resolution tactics, but stay calm, just stand your ground.

I would always want them to tell me the truth. I value it, even if I don't initially like it, I always give suggestions that are REAL a chance to sink in, give it two days to mull over.
Feel out what you hear and only if it resonates with you the right way, do you agree with them.
I mean, there are millions of conflicting opinions and ideas and its like this ridiculous mat of chaous out there, trying to steal your fire.
You must first figure out what YOU stand for, in order to know what to accept or not.
What do you really love? List as many things as you can, then distill it to the top 5, thats YOU.

Ok, and reading what someone needs can also help and saying what you mean also helps.
Like if people would only ask for what they really needed and wanted the world would be so much easier to navigate.
Figure out what you really want and what the other person really wants.
Its never exactly the same, so don't fool yourself, people are good for hugs and laughs but not for guiding you, only your inner compass does that.


In professional world, you have a front to keep up. Its a united front that reflects what the company wants reflected and therefore you tell people what works under that
and keeps it looking solid for you and them. Filter anything you say thru the lens of what helps both stay bright and shiny and glossy. Definitely be honest where its important, but
make yourself look good doing it. There is a model of communication with four squares, I will try to find it.

Well, I didn't find it exactly, but here is another four sided model:

4 Sides Model of Communication | projectmanagement.guide

Communication and interaction play a significant role in the management and motivation of employees, as well as in the realization of success in the company. Communication can be described as the “lubricant” in organizations. No engine runs without oil – and neither does any company. However...

projectmanagement.guide

Factual aspect: “How can I communicate facts clearly and understandably?” Factual information is given. (It is…)

• Relational aspect: “How do I treat my fellow human being by the way I communicate?” This message further reveals how the sender relates to the receiver, what he thinks of him. (We are…, You are…).
• Self-revelation aspect: “What am I communicating about myself in the communication?” In every message there are also messages about the sender’s motives, feelings, values, thus including both intentional self-representation and involuntary self-disclosure. (I am…)
• Appeal aspect: “What do I want to achieve with my message?” Almost all messages have the function of making the receiver do something. (I want…, You shall…)

 

[Hadoblado]

Negative feedback costs connection, and without connection, people don't listen.

So in order to have enough connection to stop you from shooting up heroin while playing with guns, I need to have prioritised our relationship beforehand.

This doesn't necessarily mean nodding whenever your mouth opens, but it probably means supplying affirmation in one form or another, and not going out of my way to make my disagreement known if it doesn't matter.

For me personally, I'm not comfortable with that mumbojumbo, so a good friend for me is one who is resilient to being challenged.

 

[Black Rose]

If something is important enough I am honest about it with my friends.

But sometimes this conflicts with their "identity" so sometimes I don't bother with petty things.

But for people who I don't know and people too attached to their identity, I am not part of their friends.

I am not going to be rude to strangers if they are not rude to me but I am not going to put up with BS. I am not going to give my opinion if it will be used against me. I do not put up with narcissists and people attached to identities.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Your example does not work because heroin is viewed so negatively that the only socially acceptable reaction to it is replying "I wouldn't do that" or "That seems risky". But yeah, let's assume that your example is realistic.

There is a big difference between stopping someone from something life threatening, which is beneficial both short term and long term to all parties involved AND to disagreeing with your friend on a minor issue that won't affect their life.

A person who can't take your honest concern is not a friend in my book. A friend who cares about their friend would not let their friend seriously harm someone or themselves or would at least oppose the idea and not participate.

In your scenario I think it's morally justified to call cops on your friend or forcefully destroy their hard drugs if they're about to take them. Even 5 years in prison for drug possession is a better outcome for your friend than heroin addiction. I would totally testify in court against my friend if it meant they would not do something insane. And I would absolutely inform all of his family and friends that he started taking heroin or doing something equally dangerous or insane.

 

[ZenRaiden]

With crystal ball you can tell someone is going to do something they will regret.
Herion addiction and consuming herion are however two different things.

Having a gun and using it in a dangerous way is also matter of application.

But people can often infer that guns are dangerous and heroin addiction is greater risk than the benefit usually.

The problem is most situation when someone is doing something right and wrong is kind of hard to guess, before they do it, and even then failing is part of life, so you cannot always be certain.

Ergo doing something vs outcome is not always same.

The other problem is people have different opinions on just about anything and everything.

I think a lot of times it matters what works, but we also cannot know what works and how ahead of time.

 

[birdsnestfern]

Oh. Another part to this, is, just state what you are trying to achieve FIRST.
Examples, I don't want to break up, I want us to be healthier, and I noticed your not coping well, are you willing to talk about and make improvements and take suggestions from someone that really cares like me?

Or are you closed to my suggestions if I see something wrong.

Or, I'm feeling disgusted with you, and no longer want to support your lack of coping habits, goodbye.

lol. Ie, this is extreme, but if you state clearly what you really want, and ask for it, its the very best way to be real with you and them.

Ie, whatever it is, state the real intent FIRST, draw the line, ask it, don't be fearful of abandonment for you or them, trust in the world, love the choices you have, prove to yourself you are your own best friend over and over and you will be doing this a lot in this world because we need to take care of ourselves, and if a friend is working on taking care of themselves, you can do it together, but those lack of coping things can be a one way street.
IF you learn that there is no room for suggestion, its best to step away.

In fact, just make a suggestion box, let everyone drop in suggestions, then, its up to others to evaluate what they want to adopt or not. But invite suggestions if you can.

If there is a burden you don't want to carry, the best thing to do is set it down and walk away.

Easier said than done, but you don't owe anyone but yourself and every decision you make needs to be the best choice you can fathom.

 

[EndogenousRebel]

On negative feedback having a cost towards connection, this may be true, but it can be circumvented by assuming that said person develops their ideas and actions for different reasons than yours.

We have to watch out for our cynicisms basically. Instead of inserting what we believe the person's intentions are and putting ourselves opposite to them, we can assume that they are at least trying to do a small nobel thing, even if it seems selfish.

It's easy for me to say seeing as the groups I've been in have been questionable, but I don't like judging people for going after a goal in a  stupid way unless they are causing senseless havoc while they are doing it.

This gets harder the more tired you are. Spreading yourself thin, in a sense is also something we should look out for in ourselves and others.

 

[dr froyd]

women never want to hear real feedback and only want emotional support

this is my experience

 

[Hadoblado]

tbh I think that's what most men want too.

There's certainly a right and a wrong way/place/time to provide me feedback. While I would consider myself generally resilient, if you do it in front of other people I will likely consider this an attempt to take me down a notch rather than to help me improve, and respond accordingly.

 

[Old Things]

This of course opens up pandora's box on whether there is an absolute standard for Truth or if we can know the truth or if truth even exists.

Personally, if you don't believe in any fundamental truth, then everything is subjective. If everything is subjective, then who is to say that being a heroin junkie or going to prison is even a bad thing? If there is nothing to ground morality in, then objective morality does not exist. If everything is subjective then not only is it never correct to correct someone, but people cannot actually be held accountable for their moral failings. That is NOT a world I want to live in. Why? Because then you end up with a morality ethic where everything goes for one reason or another. Any and every moral act can be justified since the borders between what is moral and what is not are in flux and there are no hard lines in the sand on what is good and what is evil. Everything would be grey. Why, then, should we even make any correctives in behavior? It ends up being a "pro-choice" attitude about everything. This leads to absurdities such as, "a fetus can consent to be aborted" which is actually something I have seen. It ends up that anything is justifiable if any reason for doing such is given. A person committing murder is a victim, etc.

 

[sushi]

i feel like friends are kind of people that share you thinking, like a form of telepathy and compatibility. when humans communicate, they share some kind of limited telepathy with each other.

If the person is trolling you, then the friendship probaby doesnt work. The person will let you read and be transparent about his intentions, rather than giving you a false face. Some people will be straightforward, other will just say what you want to hear.


ask them if they want to hear honest opinion or not, before you disclose what you think.

Thats why you should test their character if you think they are unreliable, although its not ethical. Ask if you can borrow things or help from them even if you dont need it. Its about where you put the line of friend or just someone you know or you want to cut off.