Sensory Clearity

[Black Rose]

I had for a long time some energy blockages.

I think it has to do with not having self-control.

I sometimes feel compelled to do stuff.

Yet when I hold back I have to realize,

that I am in my body.

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There is a big disconnect between my head and body.

I that this in a way is my aversion to extraversion.

I dislike taking it all in.

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Getting back into the body means I need to focus more on what is outside me.

I was trying to disassociate from the outside, it felt bad.

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One thing to do is to notice everything and not judge it.

Simple is to just be with it and not name or bring up ideas separate from it.

This makes it easier to hear see and smell.

In that sense, I need to have no thoughts.

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If I am as still as possible.

With no thought, I can pay attention to everything at once.

That was the block.

 

[Black Rose]

calm down = still as possible = no thought = aware of everything

 

[Black Rose]

now that my mind is blank, all I have are my emotions

this makes me feel depressed at the same time clear and non reactive

I am not against anything that comes in but still fearful / uncomfortable

I still have trouble looking into people's eyes, very unpleasant

I want to do something but not sure what, stuff?

I slept too much today

emotion is... a lot

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music though are in higher frequencies and intensities

sensory stimuli is addictive

might next just look at stuff

it takes time because boredom is painful and tiring

what is now hard to do is form verbal arguments

that is the nature of my condition

blank mind reduced thinking hard

Too much investment where no one can take what I say and care to meaningfully respond

My brain needs to readjust to detachment, if people don't care.. my brain works too hard.

so it is like shutting down, it takes all effort to pay attention

no matter how much you hit your head against the wall the wall won't listen

that makes the front brain sad

because it tried hard to do stuff but can not do it anymore

if the front brain is not allowed to work, it shuts down.

making more awareness of emotions and stimuli

but is hard to have front brain stop working

 

[Black Rose]

I think the problem, as I have come to understand it, is that some parts of my brain work faster than others.