Self confidence/self esteem vs being realistic

[RedN]

Sometimes people often tell me I have self esteem issues or Ive low self confidence. In my case I think im just being realistic.

I often say I don't think I look nice, which I think is realistic. Compare me to the hot chicks you see, am I unreasonable?

If we're talking about programming though, hell I think I can deliver. Or if we're gonna play video games... I suck at FPS but if were playing fighting games well... I know I have relationship flaws too but I think I can be a good lover overall - for the right person.

I mean my dancing, I know I suck - because compared to whats ideal I am far from it. Sure I dance better than those who do not know how to dance at all but geez, Im not gonna benchmark on the lowest level.

Racing on the streets for example(theoretical), I dont think id win, I have a crappy eco car. Give me the same youre drivign and maybe I have a chance at it.

I just know what I have and can do, Im not blind to what i dont or cant.

I think whats off is a person who does look monstrous acting as if s/he is the most beautiful creature in the planet. Or an average player with an attitude that he's the best, when clearly hes not.

What about you?

 

[Moocow]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning–Kruger_effect

This may be relevant. Basically, dumb people overestimate themselves and smart people underestimate themselves. I wish the article didn't immediately associate "unskilled" with having poor self awareness though.

 

[RedN]

thanks moo... that oddly makes me feel better already...

 

[Da Blob]

Developing the skills of Selfhood is too often ignored as a imperative by the educational industry. Perhaps, the reason for that can be found in Paulo Freire's Pedagogy of the Oppressed(?). I once made a list of all of the characteristics that are denoted by the prefix, Self, self confidence and self esteem are just two of many. However, those two do have something in common.

They both can be seen as derivatives of the Need-to-Achieve motivation/attribution to self. It is a rather involved topic, so this probably is not the media to investigate it. David Shaffer in his Social and Personality Development textbook devotes a chapter that provides a good outline.

BTW - I highly recommend this book as an introduction to anyone interested in studying personality/cognitive development. Used copies of older editions can be purchased on Amazon for less than shipping costs.. I used to buy used copies to give as gifts to my colleagues... (of course, I never told them what I paid for them, (lol) since the new copies are so expensive, I just allowed them to assume I had paid a great deal for the copies I gave to them)

6th edition $180
http://www.amazon.com/Social-Personality-Development-David-Shaffer/dp/0495600385

Used prior editions from $3
http://www.amazon.com/Social-Personality-Development-InfoTrac-Shaffer/dp/0534607004

 

[EyeSeeCold]

You Are Not Special

Self-esteem, when it's not backed by anything, just serves to inflate the ego. Self-esteem affects self-confidence and initiative, so it's not inherently a bad thing to have a lot of it, but it is highly mood-dependent and with no foundation, self-esteem is more trouble than it's worth.

Having actual accomplishments, skills, and traits to reference as examples can validate & solidify self-esteem & self-confidence and take away the vulnerability to moods; it also helps to have self-respect.

It's not about being good at racing games but being completely unskilled in real life street racing. It's about having an exaggerated estimation of ones' capabilities. If you dominate at racing games and because of that you form a delusional belief that you could actually pull that off in real life—that's the problem. Thinking you can be generally successful based on specific capabilities, attributes, or accomplishments.

 

[Darby]

I find this to be a problem for me as well, this whole "I'm not super amazing all the time at everything" feeling. I don't feel bad, I just don't feel great. My biggest problem is that I haven't been working on anything recently, and that really does dampen my self-esteem to painfully low levels.

I think that what you're describing RedN is perfectly reasonable as far as what you think you can do, as long as it doesn't discourage you from attempting things, then I say it's perfectly healthy and normal.

I also agree with everything else said so far and seeing as I may be going back to school for something in the people category rather than attempting mathematics again I may check out that book Da Blob recommends. Although my interests have more to do with how broken and backwards our minds are and how much we fail at everything.

 

[Da Blob]

That book can help a lot with that, for it explains about how things that don't go right in childhood can lead to things not going right in adulthood...

 

[RedN]

I should buy that book then and let people that I know borrow it...

 

[Polaris]

It is easy to be confident about skills mastered. One may, however, come across as less confident if constantly seeking reassurance and verification from others.

Sometimes it's just best to shut up and pretend.....:smiley_emoticons_mr

 

[Thurlor]

There are optimists, pessimists and realists. Unfortunately, the realist is nearly always considered to be a pessimist.

Optimist = I will win this race.
Pessimist = I won't win this race.
Realist = I may or may not win this race.

Shouldn't we all strive to be realists?

 

[EyeSeeCold]

There are optimists, pessimists and realists. Unfortunately, the realist is nearly always considered to be a pessimist.

Optimist = I will win this race.
Pessimist = I won't win this race.
Realist = I may or may not win this race.

Shouldn't we all strive to be realists?

That's skeptic.

Optimist = I will win this race.
Pessimist = I won't win this race.
Skeptic = I may or may not win this race.
Realist = The person in the best shape is most likely to win.
Realistic Optimist = My body is in better shape than most here, I have a good chance
Realistic Pessimist= My body is in worse shape than most here, I don't have a good chance

 

[Thurlor]

That's skeptic.

Optimist = I will win this race.
Pessimist = I won't win this race.
Skeptic = I may or may not win this race.
Realist = The person in the best shape is most likely to win.
Realistic Optimist = My body is in better shape than most here, I have a good chance
Realistic Pessimist= My body is in worse shape than most here, I don't have a good chance

I suppose that's a better way of describing it.

 

[Hadoblado]

This is an incredibly common phenomenon between me and my friends (both the competent thinking themselves incompetent, and vice versa). I'm so sick of hearing people's rationalisations for why they lose, and whimpering about how unlikely a victory is, that I approach computer games with a false sense of confidence to avoid conversation about actual skill level. Any question about outcome is answered with an unrealistically positive response. The sad thing is I'm not even sure people can detect the insincerity over the sound of countless egotards.

@RedN
If skill level is a relative term, and you find yourself not wanting to compare to inexperienced people (completely reasonable), maybe estimating your ability in comparison to people with equal experience? I know it won't be terribly accurate, but at least you won't be constantly comparing yourself to the pros.