Black Rose
An unbreakable bond
I believe that I have come to partial terms with feeling rejected. It was the case that I felt the need to take control of the situations I was in by trying too hard to get others to understand me. This led to many confrontations where I lost composure and I had to slow down. Every time I realize I am in an emotional state it is hard to walk away because I feel the need to keep trying to make others understand. This is a mistake. I know now that I need to let go of this because not everyone can or will understand me. Especially not people who have strong wills. I took some time to reflect on this and my thoughts were very painful. But I was able to talk to other people about what I was doing in simple terms and I found some relief.
I decided not to respond to certain situations as I normally do. Usually, this would be about forcing myself to be numb and feeling bad about myself where I would try harder to get my point across. When I did so I would get in response a dismissal of what I was saying. So all my hard work was wasted and I felt I needed to try harder which led me to more frustration. I know now this is because it was targeted at the wrong people. If I want to feel better I should instead try and be more neutral and avoid those who will ignore my efforts. I am not willing anymore to drain myself just because I need acknowledgment.
So what I am writing here is really a personal note to myself. I need to find something to do that does not involve other people. It was hard to be alone for so long because I had nothing to do. Showing people what I could do was what helped me come up with new ideas. Without being able to think out loud I slept in bed all day doing nothing. That was not good for me but I could not do things by myself and I did not want to stare at walls 8 hours a day again. Cognitive energy is the most important factor because shutting down was my way of coping with not being able to do things on my own. I cannot do certain things and that makes me unable to do the rest.
I shut down to not feel sad or angry or afraid. I do not want to do that again.
So I need to feel things and process them before I can do things by myself.
Then I can be self-directed and not dependant on others for my insecurities.
I decided not to respond to certain situations as I normally do. Usually, this would be about forcing myself to be numb and feeling bad about myself where I would try harder to get my point across. When I did so I would get in response a dismissal of what I was saying. So all my hard work was wasted and I felt I needed to try harder which led me to more frustration. I know now this is because it was targeted at the wrong people. If I want to feel better I should instead try and be more neutral and avoid those who will ignore my efforts. I am not willing anymore to drain myself just because I need acknowledgment.
So what I am writing here is really a personal note to myself. I need to find something to do that does not involve other people. It was hard to be alone for so long because I had nothing to do. Showing people what I could do was what helped me come up with new ideas. Without being able to think out loud I slept in bed all day doing nothing. That was not good for me but I could not do things by myself and I did not want to stare at walls 8 hours a day again. Cognitive energy is the most important factor because shutting down was my way of coping with not being able to do things on my own. I cannot do certain things and that makes me unable to do the rest.
I shut down to not feel sad or angry or afraid. I do not want to do that again.
So I need to feel things and process them before I can do things by myself.
Then I can be self-directed and not dependant on others for my insecurities.
