Rip me a new one [Science Fiction sample]

[mario]

Just wrote up this intro to a sci fi story of undetermined length. The plot would be based around a society in which people's thoughts would be capable of production given enough force and specificity. Please do not hold back in critiquing it, assuming such criticism is mildly constructive in nature. Also would you read this story yes/no

“Picture the gremlin! See him in your mind’s eye!”

The apprentices tensed up, strained gorges visible in the furrows of their brows. Emaciated temples pressed against unyielding silicon headbands, thrusting forward like minnows against a fisher’s net.

“Come on, you maggots! He’s not gonna build himself!” Taskmaster Yol spurred the mindslaves onwards, throwing in a few choice lashes as he felt it appropriate.

Falling behind on another shipment would be unacceptable. He’d already received a visit from a couple of trunk-boned, stone-faced Templars earlier in the cycle for not providing his quota of war horses, which is why his mindslaves now pondered over simple mining gremlins instead of making imperial stallions. As his district was traditionally known for the quality of its mental husbandry, to lose his equine license was tantamount to a public scandal. He’d already been the subject of one too many jokes at the terrestian market gatherings, and even to think his newfound status would potentially become a permanent fixture revolted him. Ah well. Nothing for the mind like a lash from behind, right?

“EEEYAH!” He exclaimed, swinging his lash forward with lethal precision. The unlucky victim gasped in pain and writhed about in his narrow space. Seeing his unearthly pallor, Yol opened his holding device, causing the man to fall forward and hit the ground face up. He made no movements to correct himself.

“Fucking scum.” Yol’s hammer fell to the ground, smashing the man’s head in the process.

That’d get them working, he thought, grinning inwardly. He’d make his shipments yet.

If Yol had been able to see the night-black, tentacled monstrosity hurtling towards him at speeds far exceeding the orbiting speed of the miniscule asteroid he found himself on, he might have, for a brief fraction of a second, considered himself lucky. For if he had had the visual capacity to spot objects at such a distance, he doubtlessly would have possessed the innate visual acumen required to see into the future as well – into all the lies, whispers, tears, bombs, and ultimate catharsis that would emerge from his errant and untimely demise. He could perhaps, in a single moment, even have pictured his apotheosis in the eyes of an unknowing public, crawling for answers in a time where none existed save the cage and the ethereal oracles incessantly expelled onto the planets and colonies from uneasy skies and distant reaches of space.

However, Yol possessed neither said visual capacity nor the intellect to conceive of such thoughts in any case, and as it were the nearly nonexistent interval between the object’s collision and the implosion of his head was filled with nothing but a reflexive, noncommittal grunt.

 

[Cognisant]

I definitely suggest reading some books on literary theory, they'll teach you to see writing differently, for example from what perspective are you telling the story? What emotions are you trying to invoke in your reader? Why is any of this important? Is this a dramatic scene? Etc.

Creative writing is more than an art, it's a craft.
A well crafted story is almost always better than an artful yet poorly crafted one.
Do you know what the difference is?

 

[mario]

I definitely understand what you're saying but would appreciate some examples on how what I wrote is poorly constructed.

 

[Cognisant]

That's like asking me what's wrong with a device when I don't know what it's supposed to do.

I guess killing the slave was meant to shock and horrify me, well as a third person observer I'm detached from the scene, in of itself what you have described is not nice but as a creative writer you want to go further than simply informing me of a horrific occurrence, you want to make it real, rub my nose in it. So why do I care about any of this?

Telling stories is about playing with people's emotions, you want me to lament the slave's death and fear for the lives of the others, because they're more than just slaves, they're people with hopes, dreams, fears, families and all that other relatable crap, so you don't just neatly have his head crushed, you have him beg for mercy first, and not just "no, please, no, no" you have the slave crying, promising to work harder, and pathetically trying to crawl away before the hammer comes down.

And through whose eyes am I seeing this? Third person is the eyes of god, with it you can see anything, anywhere on any scale, right away, but that's not dramatic unless we're watching two ships blow the shit of each other while knowing characters we care about are on board. See again it comes back to people (everything comes back to people) so in your story why not tell it through the eyes of one of the other slaves and as you do so tell us of that slave's exhaustion, the hunger, the pain, the indignity of being owned, the despair of being without control of his own fate, his momentary hope as the other slave is unshackled then the fearful hope as that slave begs and tries to crawl away, culminating in panic as the hammer descends, and finally terror as he thinks the taskmaster will repeat this as many times as necessary.

If you don't care about your characters why should I?

 

[mario]

Excellent. Thank you, that's very helpful. I'll keep that in mind moving forward. Do you think the premise itself is somewhat tenable or is it too far-fetched?

 

[Cognisant]

NOTHING is too far-fetched, but I think you're too focused on the premise, now I'm not saying originality is a bad thing or that you shouldn't spend a considerable amount of time exploring your premise so you know what it is you're writing about. What I am saying is that being an author is more about how you write than what you write, you really need to understand what it is you're trying to do before you can even begin to understand how to do it.

Ask yourself why it is you enjoy reading and how you can create that enjoyment for others, because that's what an author does and the better you can do it the better an author you will be.

Honestly your premise alone is worthless, every premise is, good clay does not make a good pot unless it's worked by a good potter, even poor clay worked by a good potter will come out better than great clay worked by a poor potter.

 

[Peripheral Visionary]

It needs more women.

 

[mario]

It needs more women.

Best I can do is female slave.

 

[mario]

Can I not delete threads? I feel this one has served its purpose

 

[Wolf18]

Not very impressive. I wouldn't read it.

SW

 

[Jennywocky]

You guys are harsh.

I'd read the first chapter. It's obvious, Mario, that you have some skill with words. I know exactly what you were trying to do with the last paragraph or two as well, but I'm not sure if it works here -- it's a little overdone.

Basically, I'd read the first chapter to see if the story is going anywhere. I just consider this a framing scene, but the rest of the chapter would let me know if there is any plot to be had here or just a collection of sequences. At the moment, all I can assume is that there are tentacled creatures invading this planet, which is inhabited by a slave/master system that shows few hallmarks of mercy; I just have no actual character yet that I'm connected to.

 

[TriflinThomas]