Reintroduction

[Aerl]

Hi Everybody

Sorry I left in a kind of dramatic way last time, I guess I went full "shizo" and didn't
feel like coming back. Felt that I dont need some space on the internet where I
can talk to people who could share some interests and I'm a happy citizen.

Dunno if you remember me, here is intro from last time:

http://intpforum.com/showthread.php?t=19654&highlight=aerl

Main reason I made this thread is to inform you that, I'm back and you'll be
seeing a bit more of me since today, ofcourse if it doesnt bother anyone.

edit: I was very wrong, I need someone to be able to talk to, to hear some critizism on my views, etc.

 

[Teffnology]

Just read your previous introduction and can identify with a lot of the aspects involved. I think we may very well have faced/are facing some similar questions. I think we all need someone to to talk to and gain insight from. I implore you to check out my intros and see if there is some overlap we can discuss and move forward with.

 

[Grayman]

I was very wrong, I need someone to be able to talk to, to hear some critizism on my views, etc.

You are an amazing person. Few are this welcoming of criticism.

I once considered that I may be schizoid. Eventually I deemed my solitude and lack of emotions to be a part of my personality... not that Schizoid Personality Disorder isn't a personality...

Essentially it doesn't matter because I am functional and satisfied.

 

[Jennywocky]

welcome back, i look forward to seeing you participate more.

 

[idokaiho]

I also read your last intro thread. How have you progressed since then? I think that the suffering you expressed is similar to my own. I am 22 and live with my mother. I've never mentioned this here and have often felt hypocritical for giving advice on others' hardships in between my insecurity and actually wanting to help. I dropped out of community college and have never been employed. I have grand aspirations that I feel I won't accomplish. I feel like a burden, although unlike you expressed this is usually an unsaid thing among my family. Everyday it eats away at me. I try to forget but it cannot be forgotten. Everyday I desire for things that I make no progress in. I am lost and afraid at every turn, and I am going somewhere that I do not know. I have suffered so long that it feels normal. I could go on.

I hope you have escaped or are on the path of escaping.

 

[Aerl]

I also read your last intro thread. How have you progressed since then? I think that the suffering you expressed is similar to my own. I am 22 and live with my mother. I've never mentioned this here and have often felt hypocritical for giving advice on others' hardships in between my insecurity and actually wanting to help. I dropped out of community college and have never been employed. I have grand aspirations that I feel I won't accomplish. I feel like a burden, although unlike you expressed this is usually an unsaid thing among my family. Everyday it eats away at me. I try to forget but it cannot be forgotten. Everyday I desire for things that I make no progress in. I am lost and afraid at every turn, and I am going somewhere that I do not know. I have suffered so long that it feels normal. I could go on.

I hope you have escaped or are on the path of escaping.

Not so well as one might think, I've been sent to a ward one more time.
Currently at home and on watch for one month, I wonder how it will turn out.
Can't say I'm better, just because I can finaly identify what bothers me with a
less distorted world view.

I'd sugest trying to view your situation from a diferent perspective, try to foget
who you are for a moment and figure out what love is and what do you love
doing, because that's the only meaningful solution as much as I see. Try sha
ring your world view and the big plan you have, maybe you'll get some
important insight from older people.

Personally, I can't see myself working eight hours a day, even four is a lot, I
can't have somebody robbing me of the time I spent wondering/thinking. I'm a
natural philosopher, not so great though, as one might think...

 

[idokaiho]

I am sorry to hear that. What have you identified?

I've written a lengthy, unfinished post I'm not quite comfortable with yet.

I'll post this part for now and save my wall of text for later.

I'm not sure what love means as it relates to other people. There was a girl that I may have loved but it was in early elementary school so it seems silly to talk about. Our feelings were mutual, although she transferred schools and whatever it was simply ceased existing. I have a memory of our teacher reading a story in a dark classroom. The girl I like is resting her head on one hand while digging her elbow into my leg. I endure the pain her elbow induces because it also makes me feel close to her. I've never felt the same way about another person and since then I have changed so much. I wonder if who I was has been lost. Or at least the potential to feel as I did, like the defective modules or predefined functions you mentioned.

I can see myself repressing the admission that this seems to be helping me, typing what has only been in my head.

...

Already, the repression has prevailed.

...

Actually I just logged back in to say I feel a bit more at peace. The sun's up, which means it's time to sleep, cya later tonight maybe.

 

[Aerl]

@idokaiho

It is hard to work with a large amount of information at one given point. What
you're doing is tidying your head from all the rucus, bringing up everything
important what disturbs your peace and laying it down so you can identify exact
causes of your current state.

Keep looking, find out what you seek the most, and try making a move towards it, maybe a small one but like any journey, everything starts with small steps.

Next thing that I can sugest is, try doing something helpful or new, if the result is satisfactory, praise your work to yourself, talk to someone who cares.

Consider this like maths, you get a problem which needs solving, if the end result is satisfactory again, you get praised, thus solving problems will bring happiness if the practise of praising is continued.


I personally lack self confidence most of all, and I need to "repair" my
realationship with mother, attempts have been made, everything seems cool.

p.s.
Good Work, keep it coming, but perhaps this thread is not the best place to
do therapy

 

[idokaiho]

I have found something to work towards, I just hope I want it long enough to complete it.

 

[Polaris]

Welcome back, Aerl.

 

[redbaron]

Hi again. I keep reading your name as Earl

I know, we can't be friends.

 

[Aerl]

As long as it's a title and not a name I'm fine with it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earl

 

[redbaron]

The venerable Earl Aerl.