Psychiatric Hotline

[Cryss Winters]

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  

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• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  
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• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  
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• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  
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• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  
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• If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
  
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• If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

 

[Seducer of the Homeless]

*presses 1 repeatedly*

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

How can you trace my call when the phone is actually an angry ferret???

 

[Ermine]

*hangs up and smashes the phone with a sledgehammer*

 

[echoplex]

• If you are Schizoid, there's no need to dial a number since human connection is useless.
• If you are Bipolar, please either dial many numbers frantically, or slowly dial the same number slowly and repeatedly. Whichever option you choose, be sure to choose the other option next time you call.
• If you are Avoidant, please refrain from dialing any numbers so that no one will judge you negatively.
• If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please dial 3825.
• If you are a Hypochondriac, you shouldn't be using a phone. It has germs and you'll get sick.
• If you are Narcissistic, please dial 1 because, as you well know, you're number one, you awesome guy you!
• If you are Passive-Aggressive, please dial whatever number you don't want to dial.

This is fun.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

I found more

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are borderline, it doesn't matter which number you press-- no one will answer.

If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.

If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.

If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

[Agent Intellect]

if you're a misanthrope, press whatever you want. whoever answers is going to be an asshole, anyway.

if you have anxiety disorder, quickly hit the button before the call drops and you-

if you're an alcoholic, take a shot for every number you dial.

if you're a pregnant teen, press 4 to bring out your inner child

if you used to be a pregnant teen, don't bother, because like you we're just not having it.

if you're suicidal, stop by on tuesdays when the necrophiliacs have their support group.

if you're a porn addict, then text 864579 to BigBeautifulBitches and receive the sexiest girls daily for only $5.99 a month!

 

[Rain]

*presses 1* Cause I'm number 1.