Please help me destroy the depressive thoughts.(/rant (I think))

[pjoa09]

I am taking a leave of absence from university because of some curriculum problem. I'll be back next term. In the meantime I am working on my senior project which was going really well until this cloud has started to lurk over my head.

Whats the point? My last job, before joining university was very dynamic, I had lots of little weird shit to do. University, even though I was not very good at getting the grades, was really fun. A very enjoyable safe bubble where I could be intrigued by things and not think of its consequences or whatnot. I could hang out with friends who understood me. Relationships were constantly tended to and romantic relationships were firm and strong. (This isn't US) People saw each other everyday and worked on fun things. We didn't care for the future because the current was great.

Now, I am alone in a large condominium. My parents have been on vacation forever. I am starting to develop a drinking habit. I can't stop worrying how we all will just work ourselves to death and put off the little things we want to do just for the sake of a paycheck. Work ourselves to death so someone else could exploit us.

The future is just a bunch of people working to pay off student debt and their exorbitant alcohol bills. Children having 3 step-fathers because things didn't work out 3 damn times. And if they did there would've been some swinger's compromise. Someone would have to tuck away their jealousy to keep it alive.

I've been reading a bit of Nietzsche and I am starting to wonder if all these times that I tried to act civilized was a waste of time. It just feels like why do I bother tucking in a thought or a feeling. The only approach is the Dionysian approach. To succumb like a succubus to the desires. Why were we provided with ideals that would fall so far from reality? Why did we believe them?

Death is just lurking around the corner and I am sitting here trying to pretend like I could keep my shit together. Pretend like I wouldn't wanna see snow. Pretend like I could do without being loved. Pretend like I won't get bored of doing the same shit forever.

Sorry if I offended anyone. I was experiencing anxiety and desperately got drunk on 4 glasses of wine by myself. I feel guilty but the dark cloud this time is so real. I can't play my games just to free my mind. Anhedonia was real this time.

 

[QuickTwist]

No need to apologise.

First off, you need to get rid of the bottle. That shit could ruin you way worse than where you are now. I know you know this. Get help. It's an addiction and you probably cannot kick it alone. Get treatment. That should do a world of difference for you.

Next, you need some goals. And when I say this I mean shit that YOU actually care about. This requires a learning process about yourself and what you really value. Don't think about what other people way for you. You are what is important to you. If you can't help yourself, you can't help anyone else, therefore, if you can't help yourself, then you make the world a worse place and not a better place.

Once you have established some goals, you need to think very carefully about HOW you are going to achieve them. If you are anything like me, then the natural thing to do is to do fine with the goals but not pay enough attention to how you are going to accomplish them. You also need to know why you are trying to do X, Y, Z. If you don't know, then they are not YOUR goals, they are someone else's.

After you know how you are going to achieve your goals, you probably already with have a schedule to follow. If you don't, you need to. It is amazing what a schedule can do for you. There is no shortage of goal seeking/schedule making - lots of ways to skin a cat there.

Next.. Wait. Just keep on track and keep doing what you are doing. Once you start to make some real headway on a few of your goals, you should start getting some dopamine into your brain which will cause positive emotions, which will then be a good idea to go back to reading Nietzsche. If you are in a shitty place and you are reading some depressing shit, guess what you are going to feel like? Yup, you will feel like shit even more. BUT if you are in a good place psychologically, then you can handle reading material like this and actually learn something from besides how horrible life is.

Also, you seem like you are someone who is in desperate need of human connection. You need to rectify this in a bad way. I wouldn't suggest a bar to meet people since you have a drinking problem, obviously. It might require you to know what you are interested in to connect with some people. I suggest meetup.com. You should be able to find something that you can relate to. But if you don't live in the US and meet up doesn't do anything for you, then you need to get creative. I don't care if you aren't religious, going to a church even though you don't believe what they do, would actually be a step in the right direction. You can be upfront with them with this. You can say "I don't believe in God (if you don't), but I need to connect with people." See how they respond. If they are at all decent people, I don't think doing this will be a problem.

This process could take around a year, so you have to know you are in it for the long haul.

If you ACTUALLY do all this and none of this shit works, then you need a shrink and a therapist.

 

[Ex-User (14663)]

Work, the business world etc, is largely anti-intellectual but it provides variety and experience. Academia is purely intellectual, provides a safe-space for egg heads. I've also been tempted to go back to it, but as you say, it's an Apollonian endeavor. You don't really get to live. You just become a vehicle for abstract thought. Nietzsche thought Socrates, and intellectuals, were anti-life, Apollonian, as opposed to the wild and free spirit of the Dionysian. I don't think his suggestion was that either extreme is the solution, though.

Both options – work and academia – in their standard format, amount to nothing meaningful. One gotta think way outside the box to find meaning. It's much riskier, but then again, the choice is between meaning and a slow death.

 

[Lateral]

Reading Nietzsche can do that to you. Understand that there is meaning in life, even if it is just in figuring out what the meaning is. Pain, in a way, is also meaningful. I've found myself in this similar situation not long ago. Wondering what I should do with my life; wondering what the point was if we're all going to die anyway.

I think what I've found is that when we can't find meaning in life, what we are really missing is purpose. I realize that purpose is an over dramatized buzzword, but what I mean when I use it is this: the north star that we use to provide direction in order us to move from our current coordinates on the plane of life, towards an intersection of balance (0,0) where our interest, strengths, and knowledge converge into a pursuit that not only enriches and recharges us, but that also provides a benefit to society.

So, as an antidote to stagnation, we must find out where our true interests, strengths, and knowledge lie. If you don't want to be a slave to your debt, you have to find a career where you can work and not feel like a slave.

I recommend writing down all of the things your're passionate about (could be anything, video games, psychology, pretty much anything you could spend an hour talking or thinking about and not get bored), write down all of the things you are good at (e.g. writing, developing systems, music, etc.), and then write down a few of the top things you have deep knowledge about. Make a Venn diagram of these three areas and find where they all intersect. That is your north star.

I hope that was helpful. Also, for destroying negative thoughts, look into CBT.

 

[Black Rose]

Find a place like the place you had meaningful work and try to intern there. Also, listen to music. I have recently been using music as a way to integrate emotional pain.

 

[elliptoid]

My babies mom just had me arrested and now I can't see my kids they are 3 months old she did it because she wouldn't tolerate a simple breakup and schemed to make a case for sole custody instead. Sort of "if I can't have you then you can't have anything".

So fuck your bitching quit drinking like I did, quit the coke, quit the cigarettes. It won't matter but fuck you do it anyway.

 

[Cognisant]

Academia is purely intellectual, provides a safe-space for egg heads. I've also been tempted to go back to it, but as you say, it's an Apollonian endeavor. You don't really get to live. You just become a vehicle for abstract thought. Nietzsche thought Socrates, and intellectuals, were anti-life, Apollonian, as opposed to the wild and free spirit of the Dionysian. I don't think his suggestion was that either extreme is the solution, though.

The Apollonian endeavor isn't a bad solution to ennui and existential anxiety, it's easy to take solace in knowing the things you do are contributing to a cause greater than oneself.

Death is just lurking around the corner and I am sitting here trying to pretend like I could keep my shit together. Pretend like I wouldn't wanna see snow. Pretend like I could do without being loved. Pretend like I won't get bored of doing the same shit forever.

Does it make you indignant knowing that death looms ahead of you?

 

[pjoa09]

A reply to all.

Holy shit that was dark. I was scared of what I wrote for a bit. I am feeling better now. Don't know how I went that deep into a shit hell in my brain.

I've finished the wine and I won't buy another. I think my depression came from alcohol.

I have solved the whole human connection thing by hanging around university with all my friends there while working on my senior project. Brings a sense of comfort.

I think I should get a schedule so I could fit some exercise in there somewhere. Usually I stare at my senior project and open a new tab to whatever interests me at the time.

But thanks for the help! I shall implement it.