People who need to be liked annoy me

[Cognisant]

Nobody is completely indifferent to the opinions of others and like anyone I will defend myself if I feel I'm being misjudged, but there's a certain contempt I reserve for people to whom the idea of not being liked by everybody is somehow unacceptable, there's a certain insulting naivety to it. This usually begins when for whatever reason I decide to avoid someone (if you're expecting a pm from me don't panic, I'm not that subtle), usually because they're loud, inane, embarrassing or disagreeable, and at this stage I have nothing personal against them, I just don't desire their company, but then having apparently realised I'm avoiding them they'll seek me out and the more they try to get some reassurance from me the less inclined I am to give it.

I don't mean to be cruel but I have to admit that on some spiteful level I enjoy it, that panicked look when I try to excuse myself and they realise the usual tactics aren't working, the fleeting disappointment in their eyes, it baffles me how anyone can have such a fragile ego, I enjoy being the reality check.

Can you relate to this?

 

[Brontosaurie]

i can't be sure i'm not needy like that myself. so no. cannot relate whatsoever. come to think of it, i'm probably either too socially awkward (loser status) or too cold and aloof to be even a secondary target for such people as those you describe in their pursuit of glory and approval, meaning i might not even have experienced the problem.

my basic stance: if you're solitary that's your issue. in the long term it's neither truthful nor helpful to make up some heroic framework for what is ultimately a personal deficit in propensity for normal social organization. and being unable to put your thoughts into fruition isn't a sign of their revolutionary nature nor of everyone else's obstructive obsession with trivial things like social standing. it's just a sign of your inability to transmit your thoughts. everyone is a mundane, concrete, silly being. some are more up-front about it. their real behavioral/cognitive problems, though, are probably deeper and more enigmatic than some friction with introverts - just like my real problems are deeper and more enigmatic than the occasional stutter, awkward body language, excessive silence, lack of affirmative rapport etc - so i'd rather not judge.

this is my opinion about the question and nothing personal against your view. i realize i might be overlooking something, as my arguments seem to potentially imply that no-one else is ever bad at anything. while that's a sound working hypothesis to me, i can see it being perceived as sly, lazy, passive-aggressive or dishonest.

well there sure goes nothing.

 

[TimeAsylums]

Can relate, sounds like a sound NT(P) argument to me, although I can't speak for the Js

 

[Perfectly Normal Beast]

I agree entirely! These people are sycophants whose low self-esteem seems to drive them to seek constant reassurance about their own worthless lives. Ironically they seem to need it most from those least likely to sympathise with these types of insecurities. In fact i think i my own attitude to this fawning neediness was originally shaped by their very behaviour - my youthful response was fairly accommodating/comforting for an occasional incident but after years of being assaulted in this way they crushed all the sympathy out of me. Now the more desparate for approval they are, the more sickened and impatient i am with them and the more spitefull and efficient at crushing them i have become.
Ooops, i've said too much...

 

[RaBind]

Don't get caught in their radar, of people who don't accept them? Maybe cut ties with them if you're so tired with them, and can't bother to sort their shit out? It is annoying so unless you want or are anticipating something from the relationship, why bother?

I personally don't really know anyone like that. Maybe I'm that person? Well, I don't even get much social interaction outside my family nowadays so it's hard to see who I could be bothering.

Maybe confronting the people about their personality? who knows maybe there's a misunderstanding and they just want to clear it up. If you say that their insecurity is the actual reason why you're avoiding them, maybe they'll stop looking for attention, from you in particular.

 

[TimeAsylums]

They're fun to (ab)use

 

[just george]

I see some hypocrisy here.

The thing that makes people want to be liked all the time is a need for validation.

The thing that makes people enjoy making people feel bad is a need for validation.

To be honest, I prefer the people who have a naive need for validation and/or low self esteem, because at least they aren't hurting anybody. If anything, I feel pity/empathy and try to lift them up.

Some of the people commenting in this thread, on the other hand, are speaking rather nastily.

Laughing at people because of their insecurity in order to feed ones own insecurity isn't the classiest thing I've seen today.

 

[Brontosaurie]

I see some hypocrisy here.

The thing that makes people want to be liked all the time is a need for validation.

The thing that makes people enjoy making people feel bad is a need for validation.

To be honest, I prefer the people who have a naive need for validation and/or low self esteem, because at least they aren't hurting anybody. If anything, I feel pity/empathy and try to lift them up.

Some of the people commenting in this thread, on the other hand, are speaking rather nastily.

Laughing at people because of their insecurity in order to feed ones own insecurity isn't the classiest thing I've seen today.

agreed.

 

[BigApplePi]

Validation is an interesting theme. That is the idea behind getting an identity ... knowing who one is as distinguished from others. Interrogating others is one way but always partial never whole. One must look to oneself for the final answer to where one stands.

If someone else is needy, why do they need it? If I need something, why do I want it?

This reminds me of a person in our apartment building. Wow is she needy! So much so the fire department, the police and the landlord won't listen to her. The fire department has her on their "nut case" list. But I find her interesting. Today she called me out as I was leaving even though she was talking to another and my back was turned to leave the building. Seems the apartment between us plays their music too loud. I've learned to leave her hanging ... but she comes in handy when there is something I have to complain about. She can be my point man.

 

[QuickTwist]

I would compare it to sadist vs masochist. Its a sick world we live in.

 

[Thurlor]

Whilst I find people like this somewhat annoying I can't really claim they are doing anything bad. They want you to like them. They know they need to treat you well to be liked (in general).

The people I can't stand are those that need to be needed. They will do pretty much anything in their power to engineer situations so as their input is required to proceed.

 

[The Gopher]

To use a horribly miss used word(?) It's kinda like friendzoning friends. Or acquaintance zoning them. They probably just like you and want you to like them as well. No reason not to be amicable unless they are particularly annoying in other ways.

I would compare it to sadist vs masochist. Its a sick world we live in.

Cog a sadist... Hurm.... *The theater of Gophers mind turns on*

 

[Pyropyro]

I have some sympathy with this type of people since I was like them. I just set out a journey to prove myself to myself so in some sense I'm just a few steps away from where they are now.

Perhaps, its better to say that we just had different strategies on getting validation. While they focus on being liked through persistent pestering and favors, I on the other hand want others to validate me as a higher intellectual by being aloof and critical.

Perhaps the best way to help them is to point them to a professional that can help them get fixed (counselor, psychologist etc.). It's quite tempting to fix them yourself but it's better to make them do it for themselves and I only have so much extraversion in my psyche.

I also agree with The Gopher's strategy of leaving them in the acquaintance level of relationships. It's better to do so and still be social with them rather than be hostile and become their "like" goal and enter on a toxic relationship.

By the way, I'm talking about the really needy people not the sunshine personalities ones (they're slightly annoying but tolerable and normal)

 

[Thurlor]

@Pyropyro

Isn't there a difference between 'needy' and needing to be liked?

I've always equated needy with clingy.

 

[Pyropyro]

@Pyropyro

Isn't there a difference between 'needy' and needing to be liked?

I've always equated needy with clingy.

I think all humans have a need to be liked, otherwise we won't even develop past infancy. It's this need that is taken to the extreme which is unhealthy.

Perhaps the difference between the two is that the person that needs to be liked respects the person he wants to get the "like" from. If the other party refuses to do so, they just go on their way and find it on someone else or just wait to see if the other party would get in the right mood to give their validation. On the other hand, the needy (or clingy if you prefer) person would abuse interpersonal boundaries or even themselves just to feel liked.

 

[Redfire]

You all seem to agree on the fact that no one is completely indifferent to the opinions of others. I know I'm not (I do like when people say I'm smart, for instance, even though I don't try to make them say so on purpose). But what about schizoids? What about sociopaths?

As for the topic itself, I don't hate needy people, but I definitely won't lose much time on them (and I won't compliment them just to increase their self-esteem). I also don't enjoy watching them suffer. They just bore me, and that's it.

 

[Jennywocky]

You all seem to agree on the fact that no one is completely indifferent to the opinions of others. I know I'm not (I do like when people say I'm smart, for instance, even though I don't try to make them say so on purpose). But what about schizoids? What about sociopaths?

I just assumed people were referring to those without clinical psychological conditions that made it difficult for them to function well in basic society. Not a wild guess, you know...

As for the topic itself, I don't hate needy people, but I definitely won't lose much time on them (and I won't compliment them just to increase their self-esteem). I also don't enjoy watching them suffer. They just bore me, and that's it.

I just stay away from needy people. Reminds me too much of Max in "The Grinch" when he wraps himself around Grinchy's legs and has to be pried off. It's just unsettling and restrictive for both me and themselves. That's different from people where you have mutual respect and interest but there's no emotional cannibalism/leechery going on. With the latter sort, you can have some fulfilling interconnection.

 

[Redfire]

I just assumed people were referring to those without clinical psychological conditions that made it difficult for them to function well in basic society. Not a wild guess, you know...

Maybe. But then, does that mean that all people who are indifferent to other's criticism are psychologically ill? Isn't it possible that some people just truly don't care about what other people think?

To be honest, the fact that we are so emotionally interdependent seems more of a human weakness than a strength to me. I of course include myself in this. What I mean is: maybe we are indeed social animals, and we all care about what others think; but that isn't necessarily a good thing. I'd like to think that if I was the last person on earth I wouldn't kill myself or go crazy.

 

[Jennywocky]

Maybe. But then, does that mean that all people who are indifferent to other's criticism are psychologically ill? Isn't it possible that some people just truly don't care about what other people think?

ROFL! I knew you would go there with it.

Yes, it's possible there are some things that are not the "norm" in the numan species that are still just fine and viable.

Usually in these cases like the sociopath or schizoid, though, the behavior itself creates hardship or damage for both that person as well as for others and could impair contentment in life for any of those parties. A sociopath is a no-brainer, and you're not going to get mileage there from people.

The schizoid is more debatable, just as society is learning to accept autism. The goal would be more to lessen the qualities that create hardship, if possible, but there are niches in society where someone might feel productive and content and manage to live independently.

To be honest, the fact that we are so emotionally interdependent seems more of a human weakness than a strength to me.

I can't comment on that because it's so horribly vague. You need to define exactly what you mean by "emotionally interdependent" before it can be touted or criticized accurately, as one person's connection is another person's enslavement.

I of course include myself in this. What I mean is: maybe we are indeed social animals, and we all care about what others think; but that isn't necessarily a good thing. I'd like to think that if I was the last person on earth I wouldn't kill myself or go crazy.

Nothing is necessarily a good thing. There is always a context by which it will be a hardship or a detriment. Even cancer is a good process / healthy cells gone awry.

I don't think I'd kill myself either, if I was the last person. I could still enjoy my life. But it doesn't mean I don't really enjoy connecting with another person in a deep and intimate way -- there's something about interacting with an "other" that I can't get from just talking to myself.

 

[QuickTwist]

I partially believe that this topic belongs in the Enneagram forums .

People want to be liked there is no way around it. We are social beings but not all of us are social butterflies. When someone feels rejected and persist to be accepted disregarding... uhhh... (I'm not going to say it), and then and individual sees this and their animal instincts kick in and they predatorily demean and further reject this individual, I believe it is masochist vs. sadist tendencies. One could argue that there is actually no such thing as a masochist because it is also our instinct to want to preserve ourselves. But there are also some nut jobs out there that don't think like the rest of us.

 

[TimeAsylums]

I partially believe that this topic belongs in the Enneagram forums

...hmm not bad @QuickTwist. not bad at all.

 

[Redfire]

I'm sitting here thinking and I can't figure out a way to express what I'm thinking. It's not complex or anything, I'm just bad at it. That's why I don't usually post.

What I meant is that if all of us care about what others think and define our existence mainly on those terms; we as humans depend on each other to "be". But I imagine you will find this even more vague.

Once my grandfather said to me that what we think is not worth anything if we don't share it. That depresses me. If I'm learning all I'm learning just to show off to others, then it all becomes pointless to me.

I can't think of any other way to explain what I mean. It's not like I don't enjoy human connections myself, it's just that I place higher value on other things. I don't think it I do that out of some rational analysis of the situation, it's just simply what I do.

And by the way, I hated Cloud Atlas :P. And that would be a more interesting topic.

 

[Jennywocky]

I'm sitting here thinking and I can't figure out a way to express what I'm thinking. It's not complex or anything, I'm just bad at it. That's why I don't usually post.

Things get better with practice.

What I meant is that if all of us care about what others think and define our existence mainly on those terms; we as humans depend on each other to "be". But I imagine you will find this even more vague.

Actually, no. I can follow that... but hey, I'm a nut.

Once my grandfather said to me that what we think is not worth anything if we don't share it. That depresses me. If I'm learning all I'm learning just to show off to others, then it all becomes pointless to me.

I don't agree with your grandfather, although I think you might have misunderstood his point. I don't think he was saying that you only have value if you "show off" to others; it sounds like he had an ingrained sense that people were part of something bigger and that true value comes in contributing to the whole. He was considering more the external human collective than the individual human interior. What has value is contribution to others.

I think there's validity in one's internal state as well. It doesn't impact other human beings, but it certainty impacts the individual and is meaningful to the individual's life.

This could be a simple difference between a Je approach to life vs a Ji approach.

I can't think of any other way to explain what I mean. It's not like I don't enjoy human connections myself, it's just that I place higher value on other things. I don't think it I do that out of some rational analysis of the situation, it's just simply what I do.

I don't there's anything wrong with that. It just is what it is.

And by the way, I hated Cloud Atlas :P.

Bummer.

Did you ever see The Grey?

 

[TimeAsylums]

]

Did you ever see The Grey?

I try not to be big on celebrities but...
LIAM NEESON
LIAM NEESON
LIAM NEESON

 

[Redfire]

I think I understand my grandfather, but still. If making an impact is the point, there are other better ways than to just share my particular thinking patterns.

I didn't watch that movie, but I'll watch it today if you want. I just finished my exams and don't have much to do. As for Cloud Atlas, I was trying to make you mad; although I should've known that wouldn't work on you. It would've worked on my friends though, and then I could have had fun bitching about what I hate about the movie. See? I interact all the time, meaningless or not :P

 

[QuickTwist]

Actually, no. I can follow that... but hey, I'm a nut. .

heheh... nut guilty. (I wonder how many interpretations there are to that?)

This could be a simple difference between a Je approach to life vs a Ji approach.

This sounds like Greek to me.

OK I'm done. You may continue.

 

[Redfire]

Upong dwelling on this stuff for a while I concluded I care very much about what others think of me. I just don't act on it. I also think my limited forum behaviour is highly narcissistic and self-centered, which further contributes to the problem.

So, am I one of those people who need to be liked? As long as I don't act on it, I don't think so. I certainly wouldn't qualify as needy.

 

[Jennywocky]

I didn't watch that movie, but I'll watch it today if you want.

I love it, but depending on your particular mindset, I'd advise not watching it with a loaded pistol in your lap and an open bottle of vodka in your hand. Lol. It's a little stark for some.

I just finished my exams and don't have much to do. As for Cloud Atlas, I was trying to make you mad; although I should've known that wouldn't work on you.

Sorry, already filled my anger quota for the month, you're a day late.
I am eaaaasy smooth sailing....

It would've worked on my friends though, and then I could have had fun bitching about what I hate about the movie. See? I interact all the time, meaningless or not :P

bwa ha ha

Upong dwelling on this stuff for a while I concluded I care very much about what others think of me. I just don't act on it. I also think my limited forum behaviour is highly narcissistic and self-centered, which further contributes to the problem.

So, am I one of those people who need to be liked? As long as I don't act on it, I don't think so. I certainly wouldn't qualify as needy.

You don't seem needy at all.

Maybe that is just part of your master plan to suck me in.
Very insidious, sir.

This could be a simple difference between a Je approach to life vs a Ji approach.

This sounds like Greek to me.

No, this is greek:

Je vs Ji approach to life

That ends your lesson for today.

Actually, no. I can follow that... but hey, I'm a nut. .

heheh... nut guilty. (I wonder how many interpretations there are to that?)

Cashew later!

I try not to be big on celebrities but...
LIAM NEESON
LIAM NEESON
LIAM NEESON

Same here and....
SAME HERE
SAME HERE
SAME HERE

The guy is just awesome. It only tells you how bad The Phantom Menace was, as he still couldn't salvage it.

Just watched him a bit in Rob Roy the other night. He just seems to anchor whatever he appears in. And a great spirit. What a man.

 

[Redfire]

Sold. I'll watch it. I make it a policy of mine not to drink alone, anyhow, so I'll be ok.

 

[QuickTwist]

http://demonstrations.wolfram.com/PredatorPreyEquationsSimulatingAnImmuneResponse/

I thought this related somehow.