People Making Jokes Around Me

[TBerg]

I think I have a problem with people making jokes about me because I used to do socially maladaptive things while people may have been giving signals in their banter without me being aware of the truth behind the banter. I may seem crazy right now, but I think my perceptions are perfectly reasonable given my past behavior. Every joke of which I am the target now is taken with the deadly seriousness of a secret message. This is clearly socially maladaptive yet again, but I don't know how to stop trying to avoid people making jokes about me and taking their commentary seriously.

 

[Rook]

Just smile and laugh along. Some humans may be conniving bastards picking at the tattered strands of your mask, but if you act jovial at their jests the way social units perceive you will change. More often than not people who jest without malice are more interesting people to be around, for they field humour as a social convention, so enjoy their company. People who joke to break down your psyche are another matter, here confrontation or avoidance are then easier paths rather than prolonged exposure.

I don't see how you can stop people joking about you short of commanding them/changing who you appear to be, or how you can not take it seriously (seeing as I am not you), but I do know if you are pretentious and laugh along, even play along, the internal turmoil may still be there but the situation will be more manageable.

If you see yourself as a human who wishes to be socially adept, play along, joke about the joker and joked-about(self-deprecate) and so forth. As to your internal processes of taking their joke seriously, that's up to your mindbrain. Maybe remember the vastness of existence and how fleeting and irrelevant their words are, idk.

[human] "Hey boyo, your hair is as long as me mom's"

[sarcastic tenor] 'Oh I know sailor, want to stroke it?'

[grinning bass] 'The vikings had long hair and they'd rip yer spine out, be glad I ain't one 'o them'

[righteous baritone] 'I'll let you know that there's nothing wrong with having long hair, if the temperature is cold it warms the body, additionally blahdiblhdiblah.'

iffy example but amusing enough

 

[Pressure's Spring]

I am assuming this is in a work environment?

If so, your colleagues are dealing with what they perceive to be a problem using indirect methods.

Rather than confronting you to deal with their stress [perception of a problem] which entails higher risk, a higher degree of anxiety that they do not wish to deal with, they opt to gossip, which is less stressful.

People make their own problems, everyone else's problem, in an attempt to alleviate personal responsibility.

Think of the possible risks associated with their behavior, and if it is worth it, act.

Serve them their fears on a platter.

 

[Turnevies]

Accept the fact that you are an idiot. And so are they, and so am I. No one truly understands life, and the people whose unconciousness made up stories to convince themselves of the opposite are the most dangerous.

the subtle art of not giving a fuck(Mark Manson)
I have referred to this guy before, but he makes good points and unlike many other self-help, contains depth and humor (also his books btw), at least his style fits an NT.

Now, apart from being comfortable that people will laugh at you, you don't want them to be conspiring against you. You can check out the 48 laws of power or so, but becoming a control freak is not perfect either. The best thing to do on the long term is making them like you (not everyone, but enough of them) is upgrading your people's skills, which is a very good investment for life to come.

 

[TBerg]

I think I may have to fill in more details. My mom knows that I have a really hard time distinguishing how serious she is with her jokes deprecating to me, and yet does it anyway, feeling like she should not have to give me reassurance when I do not understand. And then when everyone was getting ready this morning, I was just casually talking about how spoiled you would have to be to have your own playground in your own backyard growing up as a kid, and then my dad said that if only I had gone to public school,then I would have made something of my life. That hit a nerve in me, and I had a lot of trouble really either confronting what he really meant or trying to move past it without some alienation occurring.

 

[Tannhauser]

You're existing too much in the mindspace of other people, dude. It's a waste of energy. Think how absurd it is to even be affected by other people's words.

 

[Sinny91]

Well, why didn't he send you to public school then?

What have they done with their lives?

You owe nobody nothing Tberg. Let them project their own short comings onto you, let them bounce off all day long.

Bounce em back to em if you really wanna get to em.

 

[TBerg]

I should also say that I don't give a fuck, as it were, about anything but my family, my best friend, and trying to channel my strengths into socially adaptive pursuits.

 

[Turnevies]

I should also say that I don't give a fuck, as it were, about anything but my family, my best friend, and trying to channel my strengths into socially adaptive pursuits.

Be careful with this. 'Channel my strengths into socially adaptive pursuits'. Sounds interesting, but don't be too naive in this. What I mean is, when you sit at home thinking about better society and stuff, it can be fun for you but it is kind of useless if it doesn't reach the rest of the world. You won't randomly get a nobel prize and dozens of bitches for it. Nor is it your duty to save the world.
In fact, the main reason I started adressing social skills a few years ago was that I had the impression back then of the dumb superficial masses keeping the smart people down, by conspiring and manipulating. So I thought I needed to master the manipulating as well in order to get anything done. By now I know there is a difference between the two. But I'd keep recommending: 'First learn how to be an asshole, only when you're getting good at it learn to make good moral judgments'.
(good and famous read: dr. Robert Glover-no more mr. Nice Guy: a proven guide to get what you want in love, sex and life. I and others once had a related problem as well, which you might encounter, and is answered here )
So instead of only 'channeling your strenghths', you must definetely identify and adress your weaknesses as well. You won't get along with everyone, but still the number of people you could get along with is not too small.

By the way, I don't know how your friendship is in practice. But for your own sake, don't suffocate your friend. I know from experience, that if someone rather 'outcasty' has a best friend, the friendship could become somewhat assymetric, especially if this friend is a somewhat popular person. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but it could. And this risk also explains why you should expand your circle.

And yes, your parents obviously want you to make a family, because that's how natural selection has hardwired people. But it also means, even from your ancestors' perspective, that your succes should be more important than theirs.

 

[TBerg]

I just want you to know that you are completely wrong about my relationship with my best friend. I do my best to present my best, but relaxed, self to her, and she often tells me more of her problems than vice versa.

I will have to consider more of what you say in greater depth later.

 

[Turnevies]

I just want you to know that you are completely wrong about my relationship with my best friend. I do my best to present my best, but relaxed, self to her, and she often tells me more of her problems than vice versa.

I will have to consider more of what you say in greater depth later.

That's great at least. I'm sorry for using so much should and must btw, I was only trying to give some advice which seemed the best to my knowledge, but it would be kinda ironic to order someone to be more assertive of course.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

Sounds like you take yourself a bit seriously and that seems exhausting to me.

 

[Hadoblado]

The vast majority of stuff that people say to your face is meant as a joke. If you're not very good at recognising the joke, then that usually becomes part of the joke.

I come from the opposite side of the fence, where people often take what I say in jest as not a joke. Some part of me is an automated asshole who seeks out the most inappropriate thing to say at a given moment and throws it out there. To be fair, if someone's really awkward at taking jokes, I generally stop. Maybe they hope that if they expose you to it enough you'll get better at recognising it?

How you take a joke is also really important. Some people take a joke too well, and end up the butt of the next one as a result. If the jokes keep coming at the same person's expense without a response, a real power imbalance occurs and that person can have a really bad time. One of the most powerful tools I've discovered for controlling this flow is to actually play up how much you're hurt by something to make them feel like an asshole, or to directly retaliate against the person by calling into question their empathy levels ("why you gotta be like that?").

The crux of it is that people are not all socially well developed, and the people who constantly make jokes at other's expense are typically struggling themselves. It sounds like a cliche I know but it's the truth. So many of my friends don't know how to express affection without also being nasty at the same time. They have a limited repertoire of interactions they feel comfortable with, and this usually means that there needs to be an adversarial element for them to feel like themselves.

The solution is to identify the purpose behind the jokes (duh I know), and this can mean ruling out possibilities. For example, what are the chances that your parents who raised you are posturing at your expense? For my parents it's zero. For yours? Well I don't know them but it's pretty unlikely.

If they're not doing that, then what purpose do their terrible jokes serve?

Do they have difficulty including you?

 

[TBerg]

I think I perceive "fun" things as dangerous and prone to disappointment.

 

[Dorian Tullus]

I think I have a problem with people making jokes about me because I used to do socially maladaptive things while people may have been giving signals in their banter without me being aware of the truth behind the banter. I may seem crazy right now, but I think my perceptions are perfectly reasonable given my past behavior. Every joke of which I am the target now is taken with the deadly seriousness of a secret message. This is clearly socially maladaptive yet again, but I don't know how to stop trying to avoid people making jokes about me and taking their commentary seriously.

just tell them if they want some of this and beat em up

 

[Minuend]

Some of my family members have a tendency to make jokes which they don't always understand the implications of, but they still represent more ignorant perspectives. So on one hand you might know that a person didn't want to upset you, but on the other you can tell how that person don't get -thing- and how there's prejudiced behind it.

Though, I get more the impression your parents are a bit malicious, but maybe they think they will change you ("help you") by doing what they do. But again, if so that shows ignorance at their ends in multiple ways, and for me that tends to be more of a problem than the joke itself. It's alienating. If you don't have much of a social network, then it can really suck that the few people you thought you could or wanted to rely on is not approving on some very central aspects of you or your life.

So I'm not sure whether the problem is unable to deal with jokes that aren't malicious, or being almost bullied by other people. First one could be eased with more self acceptance and feeling some sense of security (<-- don't know which word is appropriate here) of who you are. Which tends to be a fairly long and complex process. Maybe trying (in your mind) to make jokes about yourself when you do something silly. Even if you don't find your own joke funny, perhaps it could be a way to ease into that type of humor, and for some seeing the humor in own behavior sometimes alleviate the self blame one tends to put on it.

Second one is tricky, as when people use jokes and if you confront them they can be like "it was just a joke, bro". I guess the best approach is using humor, maybe self deprecating humor, but that can be difficult if you feel hurt and depressed in general. Living situation could also make it difficult. If you're dependent on living with your dad, it can be more difficult to talk back to him if he tried to insult you with that comment.

 

[Pyropyro]

I think I may have to fill in more details. My mom knows that I have a really hard time distinguishing how serious she is with her jokes deprecating to me, and yet does it anyway, feeling like she should not have to give me reassurance when I do not understand. And then when everyone was getting ready this morning, I was just casually talking about how spoiled you would have to be to have your own playground in your own backyard growing up as a kid, and then my dad said that if only I had gone to public school,then I would have made something of my life. That hit a nerve in me, and I had a lot of trouble really either confronting what he really meant or trying to move past it without some alienation occurring.

(emphasis mine)

Sounds like typical dad "tough love". Don't worry about it too much. Think about it as a "macho" and indirect way of encouraging you to be better or cryptically telling you what is the best next move in their opinion.

For example, my dad sometimes tells me that he's "disappointed" that I was unable to get a full scholarship in an Ivy League School abroad even if I already have a comfortable job and have graduated in one of the more prestigious local Universities.

Then again I'm Asian so take that advice with a grain of salt.

 

[QuickTwist]

People are generally just assholes. I have the same type of problems with my father as well. He is constantly trying to guilt trip me or generally just being critical. Its so bad he has to tell me that he is not trying to guilt trip me. This doesn't makes sense to me. Why would he have to justify himself by over explaining that he is not trying to guilt trip me? It kinda shows that that is exactly what he is doing.

In short, parents are generally pretty stupid when it comes to raising their children. They just are completely unprepared for it and don't know how to handle it at all.

Something I have always wanted to do is tell my father he was being an asshole. Maybe you can do it to your father first and you can tell me how it goes.