I am not sure if you can relate but I will try to explain my world-view...it's a little bit bleak.
Now this is pure speculation on my behalf, but here we go: As an NT, I think you are perhaps intuitively aware of the universal lack of meaning (this sounds cliched, but I have trouble expressing it any other way), even in human relationships. I think it is easier for NT's, particularly NT's with a Perceiving rather than Judging outlook to fall into this mode than for sensor-feelers who are given enough "meaning" through more dominant sensory world-perception. People with these preferences take in information through strongly sensory-based activities which again trigger their emotions, hence life for them may seem more "meaningful" as they pay less attention to thinking about questions as to why they feel this way; in other words, they don't spend time analysing why they have a meaningful life. Sensations and the resulting emotions, whether good or bad, to them, gives life meaning. (I am not saying this goes for all sensor-feelers of course, I am generalising here, so please forgive me for coming across as overly judgmental. I'm aware this needs more thinking-work...)
Now I think intuitive thinkers have an underlying perception of the lack of meaning in all things, even relationships (someone correct me if I'm wrong). NT's generally do not have a preference for jumping out of planes or immersing themselves in activities that stimulate the endocrine system. INT's prefer to be alone and immerse themselves in cerebral activities. Their more dominant thinking will dissect sensory input and the resulting emotions as one may dissect a dead body; one tends not to stop at emotions alone....one will analyse it in order to understand how it really works. The "logical" conclusion is perhaps more often than not....quite starkly existential, one is left staring into a void.
I remember at a very early age of three or four, having intense realisations of universal emptiness. The feeling was often strongest when other people around me were happy or perceived something beautiful, like a sunset. I just felt depressed as I couldn't understand or share the meaning of what they experienced, and I felt even more isolated and alone. I am now thinking that this may have been my strong intuition at work, even as a child.
I later realised I could push these involuntary perceptions to the side if I immersed myself in activities that kept my thinking under control, so I ended up reading a lot. Later in life I started reading some existential philosophy...
Søren Kierkegaard hit right home with me. I finally felt a connection. Here was a person who had the same perceptions, only he had dared to vocalise it. I understood that I had from an early age been routinely haunted by existential questions or "feelings', only I had not dared to speak of it as I feared it would isolate me even more from others. I was somewhat relieved as someone other than me had dared to speak of a truth that no-one else I had encountered had dared to speak.
Later on I drifted through life, meeting many people and drifting in and out of relationships. I dropped most of my connections, friends and relationships along the way as I could never find that connection with anyone. I pretended to care when I couldn't. Because I put up a front all the time, I ended up exhausting myself. I had no idea what love was (I still don't...although I'm working on that one too), I had no feelings of attachment to anyone and certainly did not experience that feeling of deep connection to someone that people were raving about. I just couldn't
feel anything towards other humans, and this frightened me. Yet, I persisted in seeking relationships.
For this reason I have been in constant conflict with myself over why I should be chasing these connections. I was becoming rather weary.
The last two relationships I was in were the final straw. I decided that it was better for me to be alone. I had been attempting to find meaning through people, and it didn't work. I have had to face the horrific truth of this again and again.
Now I have come to an acceptance of my decision, and I feel somewhat......liberated?
It sounds negative and quite paradoxical....I know. I do not wish to drag anyone down, but this is how I see it. For the moment.
Perhaps there are people one can truly connect with, I do not know. I have never encountered anyone though.
Perhaps that is what true love is; when you finally make that connection with someone. The chances of that happening are probably very slim, and I think many people go through life thinking the lousy relationships they have are something that "needs work" or whatever. They desperately hang on despite their misery, thinking it's better than nothing.
I don't believe in those relationships.
I'd rather have nothing, because that feels less lonely than being with someone one cannot connect with.
I'm not happy with the way I formulated my ideas about sensor/feelers vs. intuitive/thinkers and perceived meaning.....I would like to get back to this, but I need to build the structure in my head first. It's a bit half-baked, but I am hoping you may intuit what I'm rambling about.....for now.
