Mindmates: Thoughts on compability

[Inner Space]

Today I was thinking a lot about the components of compatility and partnership in a relationship. On personalityjunkie.com, the author was discussing the importance for INTP's of finding a "mindmate" -- i.e. someone you connect with intellectually. For INTP's, he said, this would have to be someone who likes to discuss abstract concepts and theories.

That website also mentioned the "playmate" and "helpmate" aspects of a relationship. I've often thought of it in terms of the possible kinds of partnerships: social, financial, emotional, physical, intellectual. The ideal mate, of course, would be your partner in all those ways.

It's interesting to think of my own relationships that way. My ex-husband (an ISTJ) started out as my playmate and helpmate. He never was my mindmate or my bodymate, and when I married him I knew something was missing but thought it would be enough. Over the years that changed to where he was only my helpmate and nothing else, and I just couldn't live that way any more.

My boyfriend right now is my helpmate, my playmate, and my bodymate, but I've recently realized that he's truly not my mindmate. At the beginning of our relationship I had the mistaken impression that we were connecting intellectually, but now looking back I realize we mostly just talked in great length and detail about our pasts and about how we felt about each other. We love each other very much and we are very close emotionally, but I just cannot have intellectual discussions with him. He is an ISTP (I think) and he is just not interested in theory or abstractions. It's not that he isn't intelligent. I could never be with anyone who wasn't intelligent. It's just that abstract discussion seems to be very stressful for him. He doesn't enjoy it at all. He gets more and more tense the longer it goes on and then ends up angry.

He's also not my social mate -- we are very happy at home together, but social events and excursions inevitably end with tension between us.

So that's my current situation -- coming to terms with the fact that he's not my ideal mate. Technically we are engaged, but I'm not sure it's the right path. We love each other very much, but is that enough? Am I okay with not being able to share this very large part of me that wants to talk about ideas? Should I marry someone who's only 3 out of the 5 kinds of partner I want? It's a big improvement compared to my last marriage, but still, I'm just not sure.

I also think it's interesting that my two major relationships have been with S types. I think it has to do with the helpmate issue -- I always feel sort of lost in the physical world, and S types have that connection with the concrete world that makes me feel safe. But I wonder if that's a healthy impulse, or whether I would be better off with an N type who would probably connect with my mind better. That would force me to develop my own "S" skills instead of relying on someone else to deal with the concrete world.

 

[sammael]

I have heard it said many times that love is what matters, that if two people really love each other they can get through anything. That however is a rather simplistic and idealistic outlook, as romantic love is very conditional, and the presence of love doesn't equal an understanding of what the other needs/wants, nor the capacity to provide that.

I guess knowing that no one is perfect and we will have to compromise/settle in some way complicates things, as what do we settle for? A wise old man told me once that if a girlfriend didn't make me feel good about myself and bring joy into my life then leave her, as that is what she is there for. I am unsure how much part an intellectual understanding and connection plays in this. Is a mindmate necessary to bring joy (by my definition) into my life? Is a mindmate necessary to make me feel good about myself?

I used to be of the opinion that it didn't matter that much, as I could get intellectual stimulation else where (e.g. friends). Of the other kinds, a helpmate and a bodymate (if one is to be loyal anyway) can't be found elsewhere, socialmate and playmate are perhaps a little more flexible, depending on how they are defined. But I don't know anymore, perhaps a mindmate is necessary for us to achieve a real connection. The intellectual is, after all, our preferred domain.

 

[Vrecknidj]

The ideal mate, of course, would be your partner in all those ways.

I don't think this is true. I think it's bad for a relationship to be such that each person is so utterly dependent upon one other person for all these different kinds of fulfillment. Don't get me wrong, it's nice having a spouse who fulfills a lot of my different relationship needs -- but I'm thankful that I don't have to be everything for her, and I know she's thankful that I don't have to be everything for her; and, we're both thankful that she doesn't have to be everything for me.

Over the years that changed to where he was only my helpmate and nothing else, and I just couldn't live that way any more.

Yep, I get how that could be painful.

My boyfriend right now is my helpmate, my playmate, and my bodymate, but I've recently realized that he's truly not my mindmate. At the beginning of our relationship I had the mistaken impression that we were connecting intellectually, but now looking back I realize we mostly just talked in great length and detail about our pasts and about how we felt about each other. We love each other very much and we are very close emotionally, but I just cannot have intellectual discussions with him. He is an ISTP (I think) and he is just not interested in theory or abstractions. It's not that he isn't intelligent. I could never be with anyone who wasn't intelligent. It's just that abstract discussion seems to be very stressful for him. He doesn't enjoy it at all. He gets more and more tense the longer it goes on and then ends up angry.

He's also not my social mate -- we are very happy at home together, but social events and excursions inevitably end with tension between us.

So that's my current situation -- coming to terms with the fact that he's not my ideal mate. Technically we are engaged, but I'm not sure it's the right path. We love each other very much, but is that enough?

Maybe, maybe not. But, I think the fact that it might be is enough to warrant further consideration.

Am I okay with not being able to share this very large part of me that wants to talk about ideas? Should I marry someone who's only 3 out of the 5 kinds of partner I want? It's a big improvement compared to my last marriage, but still, I'm just not sure.

If you had the mindmate issue resolved though someone (or more than one such someone), and it didn't put negative pressure on your relationship with your boyfriend, would that work for you?

I also think it's interesting that my two major relationships have been with S types. I think it has to do with the helpmate issue -- I always feel sort of lost in the physical world, and S types have that connection with the concrete world that makes me feel safe. But I wonder if that's a healthy impulse, or whether I would be better off with an N type who would probably connect with my mind better. That would force me to develop my own "S" skills instead of relying on someone else to deal with the concrete world.

My wife and I are both N types, but, I test about 55% N and 45% S (and she's more like 85% N). Anyway, this means I pick up most of the "helpmate" tasks (which means I do almost all the mundane chores, which, I assure you, really is as boring and hellish as it sounds). But, having an S around isn't a bad thing, I think. Heck, you might be able to develop your S better with one around than otherwise for all I know.

Dave

 

[rattymat]

Mindmate sounds nice. I don't have any companion generally interested in theory discussion and its rather isolating.
Sammael, I agree with what you have said, "all you need is love" is a super simplistic answer, because it does not explain WHAT that love is based upon. Love comes as a consequence of connection with another, and those connections are going to be based upon your personality and its traits. Therefore, love is the result of a good relationship, not the origin of one.

 

[Zionoxis]

Strangely, I cannot get a firm grasp on what you mean by theoretical concepts. Though it is slightly OT, as an INTP, I find it odd how I do not exactly understand what they mean by that. As for a mindmate, I have yet to find a girl suitable, but for dating, it is not meant to be long-term anyhow. I wish you the very best of luck.