Meet me - the paradigm of dysfunction

[contextblues]

Hi there.

I'm new to these parts and want to make my introduction. My name is Erin and it's been 10 days since I wrote the first draft of my introductory post, nit-picking the hell out of every word I chose and constantly revising.

Well, tonight, I discovered my drafts were missing. Typically, my reaction to losing some meticulously crafted piece of literary gold (ripe with idioms of choice and the perfect balance of misanthropy and dry, self-loathing humor) would be to lazily say, "Fuck it," and not attempt to rewrite for a few months.

But, hey, I know I'm in good company here. The Robert Mitchum avatar I saw a few weeks ago affirmed my instincts on that. And since it's been an especially bad week, I'm going to just post whatever comes to mind first, because I do desperately need to connect with others like me. So, I hope you all with excuse the length/depth of this call for help. Like I said – bad week.

Here's the rundown:

I am 24, female, paralyzed by indecision and skirting all sorts of edges (insanity, financial meltdown, etc...). To outsiders, it would seem I’ve been working very hard to craft my own personal version of hell, but, in truth, it’s been a very natural and effortless process.

A bit more:

I overthink and analyze everything to death. When I'm commuting to my dead-end, bore-me-to-slow-and-painful-death, part-time job in a training department (teeming with the some of the most shallow-thinking extroverts I've ever encountered), I question the anatomy of rush-hour traffic, the statistical breakdown of skid-mark causes on the highway, what way you should hold a cigarette to slow the burn between inhales most effectively, whether smokers derive more satisfaction from being able to actually see the smoke they are exhaling, etc... etc...

I have notebooks full of study topics to extensively pursue someday (... sure).

Throughout my life, I’ve felt pulled in a million directions by my interests, abilities, and the advice of others. I believe I have the intellectual and visual abilities to do whatever I want, but I probably have an EQ rivaling Forrest Gump's intelligence metrics, and a seriously inhibited decision-making process.

I was in the IG program throughout primary school and took JHU CTY accelerated science courses for several summers. I’m curious if anyone else took part in these things, so I used the abbreviations. I’m torn between science, math, art, and the fact that I majored in Economics (the pseudo-science of the business world) & Finance doesn’t help me much. My major is a perfect example of what happens when I can’t make a serious decision - I end up going with something on a whim, then banging my head against the wall for years in consequence.

The workplace I referenced earlier is the most toxic environment in my life, but it’s also the best paying and I have the ability to come in as often or as little as I want (a dangerous blessing). And, for your comparison purposes, there is no shortage of toxic environments in my life right now. Work is far more toxic than home, though I am currently living with an ENFJ guy I dated for 7 years, came to the mutual decision to split with 3-4 months ago, and still share an apartment/bedroom with, despite him going off and sleeping at other chick’s places. People I speak with tend to focus on this as my main stressor, but it’s barely a factor in my misery.

Back to the work hatred:

I got pressured into taking that training department job through a personal connection. Basically, I do all the computer tasks they can’t figure out, but I often end up mindlessly updating training manual screenshots. The only way I can cope with actually being there is to hole myself up in my cubicle area with speakers, dreading when people enter to use the squeaky laminator I share the space with.

I have another part-time job as a studio assistant (with an ISFP who I love for a boss), and I do some freelance photo retouching in NYC. I have flexible hours in all of these positions (my doing) and find it increasingly impossible to force myself to go when I know I will finish all my menial work within an hour or two and be forced into outright brain-death for the remaining four to six hours.

A few other small, noteworthy facts you may relate to:

1. My natural writing style can seem “wordy” and overly technical. Yet, I get immense pleasure from writing somewhat cryptically. To me, there is nothing more fun than communicating a phrase or idiom stuck in my head to a fellow IN*P type (I’ve only known one – an INFP and he was a writer) and seeing how they interpret and respond to it.
2. It’s impossible to take myself seriously when everything is just so absurd.
3. Oh, and just to make social situations more fun, everything I think about a person or a situation reads clearly on my face.

Well, that’s all for now. Despite the length of this first post, I did spare you all about 15 more pages of this nonsense, so feel free to shoot me a “Thanks” when you get the chance.

 

[Absurdity]

You have systematically broken down all of the above insanity very well. How INTP of you.

Welcome. You will fit right in.

 

[DeadonDreaming]

Welcome to Hell.

 

[Dr. Freeman]

Congratulations! You are the first person to join this forum in over a year that hasn't had their stated type questioned.
Also,

Spoiler

You can post any text you feel isn't absolutely vital (say, 15+ pages of information some people (I) would genuinely enjoy reading) inside of spoiler text. (That is, of course, if you feel that there would be any kind of negative response to the length. If you were to look though some of the more in depth discussions, verbosity is the norm.)

Enjoy your discourse!

Also, I never was in CTY, though quite a few people I knew from similar program run out of Reno were/are.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

Avoid the DEET. Light a fire.

And of course, welcome and all that :-P

 

[Architect]

Congratulations! You are the first person to join this forum in over a year that hasn't had their stated type questioned.

Yep, she's got the disease.

Welcome, you said something interesting and coherent. In other words, you're starting off on the right foot. You can be incoherent but we'll only tolerate that if it is amusing.

 

[pjoa09]

Damn. I can relate to almost 90% of what you say.

 

[Etheri]

[*]Oh, and just to make social situations more fun, everything I think about a person or a situation reads clearly on my face.

I'm not sure whether I should pity you, find this funny or find this interesting. Maybe i'll find enough empathy to do all three at once... (Who am I kidding?)

Also, welcome.
Also, thanks (...Tho I'm fine with reading walls of text, aswell as writing incoherent bullshit straight from my thoughts myself. You do a pretty good job at making yourself clear and keeping the read entertaining while writing straight from thought.)

Ps. L'enfer, c'est les autres. (Probably a fair tl dr of your post)

 

[Duxwing]

Welcome!

I know just how you feel.

-Duxwing

 

[Nocturne]

3. Oh, and just to make social situations more fun, everything I think about a person or a situation reads clearly on my face.

*nods x 100/s*
>.<

Oh yes, and welcome.

 

[Minuend]

Hi o/

I'm a 24 year old boob-holder too, summoned from the depths of darkness and bound to earth for a 45 year lasting contract. At least there is beer.

 

[Architect]

Hi o/

I'm a 24 year old boob-holder too

Holder? Or owner? Key difference.

 

[Da Blob]

Welcome!


My natural writing style can seem “wordy” and overly technical. Yet, I get immense pleasure from writing somewhat cryptically. To me, there is nothing more fun than communicating a phrase or idiom stuck in my head to a fellow IN*P type (I’ve only known one – an INFP and he was a writer) and seeing how they interpret and respond to it.
Ambiguity is an artform

It’s impossible to take myself seriously when everything is just so absurd.
This realization places one at the 85 percentile in this forum and 99th in society at large

Oh, and just to make social situations more fun, everything I think about a person or a situation reads clearly on my face.
Could be a bit of a problem, there - most children learn to mask emotions and read nonverbal cues at the age of 5-7 years of age. It seems to be a common trait for Intpians to lack this ability to some degree (?)

 

[Minuend]

Holder? Or owner? Key difference.

Both?

I get bored easily..

 

[Architect]

Both?

I get bored easily..

Too much food for my imagination

 

[Vidi]

Welcome.. nicely sepia coloured avatar you've got here, the colour scheme of nostalgia and melancholy.. I don't know why I always ending up stuck with black and white one myself. Right, my jealousy is oozing out in sepia tones at the moment.

 

[~~~]

Why not figure out what you want to do and then move in that direction?

 

[Kuu]

To outsiders, it would seem I’ve been working very hard to craft my own personal version of hell, but, in truth, it’s been a very natural and effortless process.

I chuckled.

Then I went for the liquor cabinet. Fuck you quarter life crisis.



Can't you dump the shit job and work full time on the photo one?


Also, welcome. What little sanity you had left must be left outside, though...

 

[haydz]

Hi there.

I have notebooks full of study topics to extensively pursue someday (... sure).

Throughout my life, I’ve felt pulled in a million directions by my interests, abilities, and the advice of others. I believe I have the intellectual and visual abilities to do whatever I want, but I probably have an EQ rivaling Forrest Gump's intelligence metrics, and a seriously inhibited decision-making process.


The workplace I referenced earlier is the most toxic environment in my life.

I can relate to this hugely. Can we win lotto & just be free to pursue our interests? If you're anything like me, you'd never get bored given the chance to do anything you want to do.

 

[TriflinThomas]

(Since no one else said it) Thank you for sparing us 15 pages of what I'm sure was an eloquent assessment of your current state of affairs

 

[contextblues]

Responses! I was so blinded by my typo(es?) post-post that when I finally mustered the courage to scroll, I was amazed to see such a welcoming. And you all cheered me up considerably. This is the sardonic, clued-in humor I’ve been craving for a long time.

I’m compelled to respond to each of you and clueless about the proper way to do it!

So, I’ll just pick a few to start:

Congratulations! You are the first person to join this forum in over a year that hasn't had their stated type questioned.
Also,

Spoiler

You can post any text you feel isn't absolutely vital (say, 15+ pages of information some people (I) would genuinely enjoy reading) inside of spoiler text. (That is, of course, if you feel that there would be any kind of negative response to the length. If you were to look though some of the more in depth discussions, verbosity is the norm.)

Not that it matters much, but I did catch a whiff of questionable personality types already. Aah well, it took this post-college crisis to realize I was kidding myself on the "J/P" part of my personality for a long time. I was answering questions based on traits I'd like to possess (you know, to be a more functional human being and all that...).

Oh, and...

Spoiler

I've never used any sort of forum, so thanks for the tip. I'll keep this feature in mind while I’m mentally bundling ingredients for the next batch of crazy.

And one last thing, I truly appreciate the stated interest in my ramblings. In venting my frustrations to personal contacts, I have learned (with certainty) that interest of the genuine sort is not the norm in my everyday life. It’s more like, “What can I say to shut this chick up?”

Avoid the DEET. Light a fire.

Luckily, we’re starting to get those skeeter-quellin’ 50°F nights up here. It’s a very welcome change for two reasons:

1. Fewer itchy episodes

2. The weather strongly affects my mood. Temperatures in the 60’s sustain my base level of nuttiness. Around 70-78°F, my “pissy” factor defers to the humidity level. Above 78°F, I am completely ruthless and should be quarantined. But, the 40-50’s are straight euphoria.

I digress. Point is: I should be good to ditch the DEET.

I'm not sure whether I should pity you, find this funny or find this interesting. Maybe i'll find enough empathy to do all three at once... (Who am I kidding?)

Welp, I'll gladly take any pity or empathy I can get (even dwarfed forms). I've had just about enough of this "count your blessings" crap from all the wrong people.

Hi o/

I'm a 24 year old boob-holder too, summoned from the depths of darkness and bound to earth for a 45 year lasting contract. At least there is beer.

Well, we are both females, at least. The “boob” possession is debatable... though, in the right light, I have known my slightly sunken chest to cast a convincing shadow in my favor.

For example, if I manage to wake during the morning Golden Hour, have the energy to climb the eight rungs to my roof, and face North, I may be rewarded with ten whole minutes of what I call “the poor man’s version of cleavage.”

Thankfully, people like us don’t care about silly things like that. So, with the tip of a rooftop Yuengling, I say CHEERS!

Holder? Or owner? Key difference.

My thoughts exactly.

Welcome.. nicely sepia coloured avatar you've got here, the colour scheme of nostalgia and melancholy.. I don't know why I always ending up stuck with black and white one myself. Right, my jealousy is oozing out in sepia tones at the moment.

It’s too funny that you are stuck on the sepia because I was too. The image is cropped from a 2011 movie poster for the classic Dracula (Bela Lugosi). The company that commissioned it is the incomparable Mondo (great... upping the competition in the rush to buy limited quantities... smart Erin, really smart). The regular edition print is black and white, but when I saw the variant, in sepia tones, I could see it no other way.

And I'm obsessed with the two artists who created it – Aaron Horkey (a typography GOD) and Vania Zouravliov.

Why not figure out what you want to do and then move in that direction?

Cute. Reeeeaaal cute.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

I digress. Point is: I should be good to ditch the DEET.

But that skirts around the real point: to light something on fire...

 

[dala]

I think I could have written this post myself with just a few small changes. Including the waste of time finance degree. Well, if you ever figure it all out be sure to let me know.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

@contextblues

I think you need to move out ASAP; when your relationship situation sucks, that can discolor everything else in life. My thinking is a bit idealistic, but I believe that if you're in a happy relationship, all the other stuff melts away and becomes a means to see your significant other. You've got at least one job that pays well with flexible time-- and the most important part is that you're somewhat irreplaceable. I don't buy it that the relationship isn't affecting you that much. Oh well I will stay tuned for episode II.

 

[Vidi]

Thanks for the info, I wasn't aware of any of it. I have to admit I've never seen Dracula movie, or read the book, that's why the image was unfamiliar to me. I know the outline of the story, but when I think of it now, it doesn't look so reliable.. perhaps it isn't true. It probably just shaped up from my dreams when I was a kid.

 

[kora]

[*]Oh, and just to make social situations more fun, everything I think about a person or a situation reads clearly on my face.

That's an INTP trait as well? Yay...
It's always caused me problems.
Fun post anyway, hello.

 

[EditorOne]

I have nothing pithy to say, but I'm certainly glad you're here. Your intro was great reading.

 

[~~~]

Cute. Reeeeaaal cute.

Maybe I should have been a little clearer. Figure out a conceptual framework for figuring out what you want to do. Ensure that this framework includes a mechanism for ranking the various options. Develop a plan with a view to pursing the activities in a rough order of priority. Then implement the plan or something roughly similar to the plan.

 

[AlisaD]

Welcome, child with a giant p-ness.
This will be a great place for you to waste time and not get any closer to figuring out what you want.
But it's fun.
Also, if you're a secret ENFP like some of us here, there's men to be hunted

 

[TriflinThomas]

Welcome, child with a giant p-ness.

Smashing!

 

[Polaris]

The image is cropped from a 2011 movie poster for the classic Dracula (Bela Lugosi).

On that note, I know the perfect welcome:

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKRJfIPiJGY

:smiley_emoticons_mr :smiley_emoticons_mr :smiley_emoticons_mr :smiley_emoticons_mr

 

[Solitaire U.]

Dysfunction is a fashion statement. Hmmm...interesting.

Welcome.

 

[DeadonDreaming]

That's an INTP trait as well? Yay...
It's always caused me problems.
Fun post anyway, hello.

I used to think that people could read my emotions off my face as well, almost like mind reading.

It isn't true at all, from what I've heard.

 

[contextblues]

I hope you will all forgive the tardiness of this post. I have not been sleeping so well. Then again, even in restful times, neglecting my own thread would be somewhat typical...

Regardless, with three hours of sleep on the horizon and a night of random enthrallment with (and subsequent research of) rag/jazz/swing pioneers behind me, I know I must attempt to respond to some of your thoughtful (and entertaining) comments, or be doomed to think about them another day at work. And, as you all know, when engaging thoughts compete for focus against mundane tasks, the result is certain disaster.

Ambiguity is an artform

I'll have to add this to my phrase bank. And I think I should conclude every cover letter I write with this line.

Yep, she's got the disease.

Welcome, you said something interesting and coherent. In other words, you're starting off on the right foot. You can be incoherent but we'll only tolerate that if it is amusing.

I try to temper the buildup of incoherency by writing the most random thoughts and phrases on tiny paper scraps each day. It's a ticker tape parade of hopeless ramblings whenever I open my laptop case.

One example (not that you're pressing for one, or at all interested, but here I go anyway!): My jalopy is about to "shit the bed," as they say, and as the car violently rattles at stoplights, stupid phrases to describe my failing motor keep worming their way into my brain. So I write things like, "the sputtering idle before the stall," and then think, "Oh, what a perfect description of my college years... etc... etc..."

Anyway, I'm somewhat optimistic towards forum writing and its potential benefits. I'm hoping my ability to explain certain aspects of myself will improve. And with that last pointless paragraph as a starting point, improvement shouldn't be too much of an effort.

Damn. I can relate to almost 90% of what you say.

Let me guess, no Jerry Springer homelife at the moment? That's okay, you relate to me on the critical issues then. Good to hear!

If you're anything like me, you'd never get bored given the chance to do anything you want to do.

I happened upon my kindergarten report card the other day, which said, "She makes extraordinary use of unstructured time." That stuck. That and the weird way I hold a pencil (the only criticism on the card was based around that). Oh well. Nothing changes.

(Since no one else said it) Thank you for sparing us 15 pages of what I'm sure was an eloquent assessment of your current state of affairs

You're very welcome. I think my posts may be more effective if I dose the "crazy" in smaller capsules. But be warned, there's a Costco-sized bottle to pluck from and even more in the medicine cabinet.

I have nothing pithy to say, but I'm certainly glad you're here. Your intro was great reading.

Your avatar was great reassurance, as stated above.

Also, if you're a secret ENFP like some of us here, there's men to be hunted

I do wish this was the case... at least for a bit of extroversion. Though lack of follow-through has been an issue, I think a cocktail of extreme introversion and self-doubt is most at fault for my decision-stupor. A career counselor from my school (the only person I've ever trusted for advice, as he was able to predict my personality type from my initial email and both times I met with him, the "job talk" broke down to a swap meet of science videos and book recommendations), advised me to contact people in fields I'm interested in. But of course, I never feel like I know enough (about the subjects and/or my own goals) to actually speak with anyone, even through email.

Well, happy hunting to you!

I think I could have written this post myself with just a few small changes. Including the waste of time finance degree. Well, if you ever figure it all out be sure to let me know.

Are you saying you also received a finance degree or the finance degree is one of the changes?

Either way, let's not be too severe. It's not like it's a management degree. Pure academic competitiveness allowed me to tolerate the finance courses (kids in my school could not wrap their heads around the simplest equations/models). But I did actually enjoy economics. I just maintained this sick delusion that it would be possible to pursue it in some sociological/humanities application.

Though, when I saw Freakonomics post-college, my heart did flutter as the legalization of abortion a la RvW was linked to a drop in city crime rates in the 90's, discrediting idiotic politicians attempting to take credit for the change and outraging conservative folk (both delightful results). But I think previously unconsidered connections in general are my heart-song... especially when they piss a lot of people off.

Approaching the point again:

Post-college, with a WSJ Achievement award proclaiming me the "Most Outstanding Senior" of all the Eco/Finance kids (hilarious, especially because I skipped the ceremony) and a nice summa cum laude degree under my belt, I came to the very obvious realization that all the economics jobs for recent grads are in the financial sector or government - money or policy (both cringe-worthy). There would be other opportunities if my degree program had been heavier on the math, but no such luck. I considered graduate school but frankly, I've gone 2 years without thinking much about economics and haven't missed it.

You in a similar boat?
Mom always said, "Why are the smart kids so stupid?"
(she really did)

I chuckled.

Then I went for the liquor cabinet. Fuck you quarter life crisis.



Can't you dump the shit job and work full time on the photo one?


Also, welcome. What little sanity you had left must be left outside, though...

YES, fuck it to hell. And trust me, the last bit of sanity has been scraped into the bristly forum welcome mat.

Regarding my shit jobs, it seems my brain may soon be doing the dumping for me… I haven't felt this burned out from boredom since I was 15 and the tiny bit of focus it takes to complete the trivial crap assigned to me has completely vacated my body.

If I don't get out soon, regardless of having alternatives, I think I may seriously damage the positive reputation I've earned over the past few years. I will no longer be the smart, quiet weirdo who completes things in a thorough and perfected way if you leave her the hell alone. I'll just be the weirdo who gets absolutely nothing done.

Regarding the photo job, I thought retouching would be a good gig, but I've found it to be just as tedious and awful as picking apart training manuals. It's extremely routine stuff and I don't fully support the concept anyway. I never really wanted to pursue photography or retouching full-time, regardless of others urging me to.

I've realized that the reason I love photography on a personal level is that it can hush the nonstop brain chatter/internal dialog running through my head like nothing else. I've dabbled with a few paying gigs, but when I have to worry about what clients want and how to get shots "perfect," etc etc... I absolutely hate it (and my work suffers).

@contextblues

I think you need to move out ASAP; when your relationship situation sucks, that can discolor everything else in life. My thinking is a bit idealistic, but I believe that if you're in a happy relationship, all the other stuff melts away and becomes a means to see your significant other. You've got at least one job that pays well with flexible time-- and the most important part is that you're somewhat irreplaceable. I don't buy it that the relationship isn't affecting you that much. Oh well I will stay tuned for episode II.

Let's just say I've been writing my name in my books and putting my movies on a separate shelf for a few years now (not that my books were ever in any real danger). I've come to the disturbing realization that I may have been staying with this guy for the past 2-3 years, despite a laundry list of reasons not to, because I was terrified of the exact situation I'm currently in. I couldn't imagine life without him because I had completely tailored my life around his. It wasn't an awful system for a while, but, well, here we are.

Things are definitely discolored. I'm seeing life through a veil of self-loathing and regret, having realized how badly I was screwing myself by putting these serious decisions off for so many years. But more on that later!



And on that note, with 2 hours of sleep now on the horizon (... shit), I say good nigh.. errr... morning.

 

[EvilBlitz]

Welcome! Also spooky possums. Much of your posts I can relate to. But I bet we can all to a degree.

Having said that some I find a bit more spooky.


I studied Finance and economics as well. However I dropped out and still love studying economics on the side when I feel like it.

I was married/with an ENFJ female for 7 years. I don't regret it though and helped her hook up with her current INFP partner(which I feel quite cocky about as I out reasoned his insecurities in relation to forming a long term relationship with my former partner).
At first did you really enjoy your ENFJ parter for the fantastic conversations you can have? Well that was my reason. The rest wasn't so great haha.

Jerry Springer home life, Costco sized bottle of crazy, self loathing and regret. Welcome to my world. You almost seem as bitter and twisted as me. I do apologise if that offends.
At least being insane/twisted isn't as boring as being your average mouth breathing idiot!

With regards to the drop in crime rate in the 90s, that has been a much longer term trend and is more due not using lead as an anti knock additive in gasoline. This lines up with other countries(and the USA's individual states) and when they moved to lead free gasoline.
If I remember right it was approx 2/3rds lead 1/3 abortion, other reasons insignificant.

It sounds like to me your jobs are not giving you enough of a varied mental challenge and/or great enough difficulty. Having to align shit to specific customers wants is also fkn frustrating.(The customer is always right, and a fucking moron!)
I would suggest you find something that deals less directly with clients/customer needs.
Or that if you are dealing with customer needs it is of more a problem solving solution service.(There is a supplier I deal with, one man business, who makes scientific glassware, I strangely envy his job for it's appealing mix of problem solving and art/beauty)

 

[contextblues]

Sooo, I have to post tonight. I'm a teeny bit proud of myself for once, here. I actually implemented a bit of advice I was given on this forum (and from 4-5 people in "real" life). I had this moment of complete clarity, a final signal from the ex (in an extremely disgusting and disrespectful form, which I shouldn't go into here) that gave me the final push I needed to immediately and fervently pack my shit and leave.

So now I'm home, in CT, with mummy and step-daddy and step-grammy, and regardless of the fact that I have little in common with these people (in regards to interests and personalty), I can already tell that they respect my personality and will give me the space I need. And I'm amazed that I do actually feel a lot better.

My rents just cracked me up, actually. I was in my room and my step-dad (some kind of E type... he works in sales... 'nuff said) knocked to asked me (through the closed door) if I wanted some stew. I agreed and my mother was headed to the porch for a smoke, so we all ended up in the kitchen together (not the norm, we never really did "family dinners"). My stepdad started to cautiously inquire if I was okay with the moving thing, and my mother interrupted him with a big GASP, and said, "You know you don't talk about feeeeelings with Erin!"

So thank you @NinjaSurfer and anyone else who hinted at the helpfulness of moving...

Maybe I should have been a little clearer. Figure out a conceptual framework for figuring out what you want to do. Ensure that this framework includes a mechanism for ranking the various options. Develop a plan with a view to pursing the activities in a rough order of priority. Then implement the plan or something roughly similar to the plan.

Now I must move on to implementing this bit of advice.


And PS:

On that note, I know the perfect welcome:

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKRJfIPiJGY

:smiley_emoticons_mr :smiley_emoticons_mr :smiley_emoticons_mr :smiley_emoticons_mr

Absolutely wonderful!!!!!!!

 

[NinjaSurfer]

[...]

Things are definitely discolored. I'm seeing life through a veil of self-loathing and regret, having realized how badly I was screwing myself by putting these serious decisions off for so many years. But more on that later!



And on that note, with 2 hours of sleep now on the horizon (... shit), I say good nigh.. errr... morning.

It's like a bad scab you had to rip off. Self loathing and regret are probably natural feelings for you right now but don't be too hard on yourself. I personally stayed in a relationship 2-3 years longer than I should have with my ex. Part of the reason was because I always thought everything was my fault. I thought she was perfect so all her issues became my issues.

Your story already sounds like it has a happy ending!