Make me laugh

[RubberDucky451]

I've been a bit depressed lately, i need a good laugh. Make my day/week!

 

[Invoke Ninja's True Power]

laugh dammit!

 

[merzbau]

two cannibals eating a clown; the first one turns to the second and says "bob, does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Claverhouse]

OK, the funniest joke I know; told by the Germans in the aftermath of WWII:

When they found Hitler's body, they discovered a note he had enclosed:

'I was never really a Nazi.'



Maybe you had to have been there...


Claverhouse

 

[Inappropriate Behavior]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[NoID10ts]

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,"
proclaimed the judge.

"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was fucking Goofy!"

 

[Artifice Orisit]

01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101111 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100 00111010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01110010 01110011 01110100 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00001101 00001010

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
(awww, that's so good)

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers.
(not yet anyway)

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.

The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
(this is why nobody hires female programmers)

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
(if that actually stops your from typing properly, be ashamed, be very ashamed)

If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!

Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.
(Damn right... but we never said it would work or be done on time)

Ah, young webmaster... java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio.
And realaudio leads to suffering.

earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.

Your momma is so FAT I have to defragment her weekly.

You mommma's like HTML, a tiny <HEAD> and a whole lot of <BODY> .

Yo momma so fat and stupid, she's been on icanhascheezburger looking for an Order Now button for three days...

 

[Loki]

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales...... Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.' Bud from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.' Old Kevin, the cowboy from Montana remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

 

[Cogwulf]

Is this an existentialist joke?

 

[Vegard Pompey]

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,"
proclaimed the judge.

"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was fucking Goofy!"

Thank you for posting this! In one of the examples in Character & Viewpoint by Orson Scott Card, this joke is referenced, but not told. Now I finally know what the joke was.