I'm lost. I'm tired. I'm bruised and battered. I'm a failure. See, everything I've ever wished for hasn't come true. My life blows. It's sucked for so long and I've just realized that now. I'm sad. I'm in pain. I've neglected my body and my mind is exhausted. Everyday, I get headaches, and I get back pains that are so agonizing I have to will myself to get out of bed in the morning. The funny part is that I've only realized this now. I'm scared of being let down, scared of opening up to people, so I wear a mask. Sometimes, it's the ENTJ mask, sometimes, it's the INFJ mask, sometimes it's the ISTJ mask, sometimes, it's the INFP mask, sometimes its the INTJ mask. I'm scared of being let down. I'm scared of failing. All I want is for 1/10 of my wishes to come true. But that will probably not happen. I'm unlucky.
Life is hard. I have no emotional support. Actually, I have no support at all. My ESFJ mother expects too much from me: the underachiever. I remember getting beaten when I was younger when I got less than a 90 in academics. I was convinced by my mother that universities look at your grades in preschool, grade school, middle school. That was my motivation. I worked hard for years because I thought it to be true. When I found out it wasn't and that I had received those pointless beatings, I was furious. My mother had put so much pressure on me for no fucking reason. All this stress, all this fear of getting beat was pointless. Fucking pointless. The worst part is, my father let it happen. He never stopped these beatings that me sister and I would receive at the hands of my mother. I was 14 when I started rebelling. I've never liked conflict and have always avoided it; I ran away from fights at school etc. My marks dropped. I became obsessed with sad music, sad poetry. I had no friends. What I would do was play fantasy sports, online poker and soap operas where I could direct my anger at. I wasted my days. Grade 8 grad was terrible. I didn't want to go; I had no friends. My mother made me go and I cried. I had no friends. I was embarrassed, I knew my mother would torment me. She did, of course.
That day, I decided to change my approach to things. I became a cold bastard. I was unapproachable and never said more than two words at a time. I just wanted to let go of all this frustration and pain. For the grade 9 school year, I moved and I had a fresh start. The funny thing is, I'm in grade 11 now and I still only have 1 friend. He's not someone I can talk to about things that interest me because he's an ISFP. Conversations can get boring sometimes but at least I have someone that can tolerate me. I also happened to fancy this girl from a couple of my classes in grade 10 and I was intrigued. I don't like many girls. I've only liked/respected 3 girls or so in my entire life so this was new to me. But this girl is just amazing. For 8 months, all I could think about was her. I wasn't going to do anything about my fascination, but one day she randomly added facebook so I got her MSN account and decided to add her. We had interesting conversations and our taste in music was very similar. After a couple of months of this, I got her friend to tell her that I like her. I couldn't do it myself; I'm a coward: INTP trait? I don't know. But yeah, She liked me back or so she said. I was fascinated with the human personality and we eventually discovered that we're both INTPs. Actually, funny thing, I joined this forum sometime ago but she joined it sometime before me. I didn't know about that and she's read all my incriminating/VERY embarassing threads on how to strengthen relationships. We've been together 8 months and although at times its been rocky due to my emotional fragility, some of the best times I've ever had have been with her. For the first time in 3 years or so, I lightened up. I dressed better. I took notice of my appearance and became a little self-conscious. But I'm still messed up.
A few days ago, my mother and I visited the psychologist. She thinks I'm wacko, stupid and believes I have depression, ADD, anxiety problems. I got some alone time with the psychologist and they say I do not have ADD but I do have mild depression and anxiety issues. I've been battling depression for half my life. I know this because the first time I got beat was when I was 3 or 4. I messed up the CD player and my mom became angry and hit me. I carried a scar for 10 years; my acne conceals it now. Lol. Because my family covers a wide range in the MBIT spectrum; Mother being ESFJ, father ISTJ, sister INFP, myself INTP, we all have issues with each other. I can say that I have thought suicide before but it'll never happen. I'm a coward and I wouldn't want to hurt the few people out there that "love" me. Or maybe they don't love me. I don't know. All I know is that I'm lost, I carry childhood traumas and i want this pain to go away. Perhaps I have a chemical imbalance, hormonal issues, perhaps not, perhaps I'm just an INFP. I don't know. I've neglected my body, my mind and I have trouble sleeping. I haven't slept more than 8 hours in 2 years or so. my memory's clouded. I'm perpetually lost, thanks for reading.
Life is hard. I have no emotional support. Actually, I have no support at all. My ESFJ mother expects too much from me: the underachiever. I remember getting beaten when I was younger when I got less than a 90 in academics. I was convinced by my mother that universities look at your grades in preschool, grade school, middle school. That was my motivation. I worked hard for years because I thought it to be true. When I found out it wasn't and that I had received those pointless beatings, I was furious. My mother had put so much pressure on me for no fucking reason. All this stress, all this fear of getting beat was pointless. Fucking pointless. The worst part is, my father let it happen. He never stopped these beatings that me sister and I would receive at the hands of my mother. I was 14 when I started rebelling. I've never liked conflict and have always avoided it; I ran away from fights at school etc. My marks dropped. I became obsessed with sad music, sad poetry. I had no friends. What I would do was play fantasy sports, online poker and soap operas where I could direct my anger at. I wasted my days. Grade 8 grad was terrible. I didn't want to go; I had no friends. My mother made me go and I cried. I had no friends. I was embarrassed, I knew my mother would torment me. She did, of course.
That day, I decided to change my approach to things. I became a cold bastard. I was unapproachable and never said more than two words at a time. I just wanted to let go of all this frustration and pain. For the grade 9 school year, I moved and I had a fresh start. The funny thing is, I'm in grade 11 now and I still only have 1 friend. He's not someone I can talk to about things that interest me because he's an ISFP. Conversations can get boring sometimes but at least I have someone that can tolerate me. I also happened to fancy this girl from a couple of my classes in grade 10 and I was intrigued. I don't like many girls. I've only liked/respected 3 girls or so in my entire life so this was new to me. But this girl is just amazing. For 8 months, all I could think about was her. I wasn't going to do anything about my fascination, but one day she randomly added facebook so I got her MSN account and decided to add her. We had interesting conversations and our taste in music was very similar. After a couple of months of this, I got her friend to tell her that I like her. I couldn't do it myself; I'm a coward: INTP trait? I don't know. But yeah, She liked me back or so she said. I was fascinated with the human personality and we eventually discovered that we're both INTPs. Actually, funny thing, I joined this forum sometime ago but she joined it sometime before me. I didn't know about that and she's read all my incriminating/VERY embarassing threads on how to strengthen relationships. We've been together 8 months and although at times its been rocky due to my emotional fragility, some of the best times I've ever had have been with her. For the first time in 3 years or so, I lightened up. I dressed better. I took notice of my appearance and became a little self-conscious. But I'm still messed up.
A few days ago, my mother and I visited the psychologist. She thinks I'm wacko, stupid and believes I have depression, ADD, anxiety problems. I got some alone time with the psychologist and they say I do not have ADD but I do have mild depression and anxiety issues. I've been battling depression for half my life. I know this because the first time I got beat was when I was 3 or 4. I messed up the CD player and my mom became angry and hit me. I carried a scar for 10 years; my acne conceals it now. Lol. Because my family covers a wide range in the MBIT spectrum; Mother being ESFJ, father ISTJ, sister INFP, myself INTP, we all have issues with each other. I can say that I have thought suicide before but it'll never happen. I'm a coward and I wouldn't want to hurt the few people out there that "love" me. Or maybe they don't love me. I don't know. All I know is that I'm lost, I carry childhood traumas and i want this pain to go away. Perhaps I have a chemical imbalance, hormonal issues, perhaps not, perhaps I'm just an INFP. I don't know. I've neglected my body, my mind and I have trouble sleeping. I haven't slept more than 8 hours in 2 years or so. my memory's clouded. I'm perpetually lost, thanks for reading.
