Is this INTP attracted to me?

[ridersonthestorm]

Hello,
firstly I'm very sorry if such topic exists somewhere here, I couldn't find it and I'm new here.

I'm an INFJ and my classmate is an INTP. We're in the same class for the second year now and only recently I started to notice that he is writing to me almost every day to ask for help with his homework. I'm not sure if this means anything, as I study very well and maybe he just really needs the profits from me. I am very friendly with him and often our conversations go further than homework. He shares some songs he likes, I do that too, we have a similar taste in art and we can talk about it a bit. His answers to my questions are very short and dry though, so that is one more reason why I can't tell if he's into me. At school we don't really interact, he is always under his shield of sarcasm and coldness. Though our eyes meet by accident throughout the day.

How to know if he likes me? I'm really interested in him as a person and would love to know him better. Lately he has been more open with me, he told me that he's not very social, that he has a huge fear of failure all the time, told me about his personality more, about his views in life and asked me some questions also. Sometimes he just writes to me to share some music (without the "help me with my homework" part!). By the way, I have a boyfriend and the INTP classmate has asked me questions about him a few times and told me that he admires him. Also, he has told me that I'm intelligent and I stand out as an artistic person.

What could be in this INTP's mind? Is he only friendly with me because I am with him and because I ask him questions? Or does he want to get closer to me?

 

[TheManBeyond]

my brain stopped functioning correctly at "btw, i have a boyfriend"

 

[ridersonthestorm]

I didn't say I want to get on the romantic level with the INTP, I only want to be friends with him, is there something wrong about it?

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

You are most likely not going to know what is in his mind, you are going to get his idea of what is in his mind in the form of explanations.

Maybe I'm wrong, but you already function as friends, what is your exact goal then?

Is he attracted: Possibly

Is he with you because you are with him: This is true in most equal relationships, so I'm not sure what's the point of this question. I rather doubt he would contact you out of his volition if he didn't like you.

 

[ridersonthestorm]

I don't think we are a lot more than acquaintances. We barely talk in real life. We have never met face to face. To me he seems to be a very interesting person and I would like to become good friends with him, to hang out, to talk more. I have absolutely no idea what his feelings about me are. He has only a few really close friends and I wonder if we could become close friends too.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Well, good luck with becoming friends with someone. It takes some work. I'm not sure how old are you and how many close friends you've made and how difficult it was, so I don't entirely advise you from your perspective.

If you ever find an online tutorial or guide to becoming close friends I would be in your debt if you shared it with me.

 

[Mithrandir]

Not sure how you've never "met face to face" when you're in the same class and your "eyes meet by accident throughout the day" (sorry, INTP consistency interrogation). I guess I should assume you mean you've never properly been introduced. Seems like that would be the place to start. Ask to go have a cup of coffee or something cause he sure as hell isn't going to make that first step.

If he's expressing interest and admiration towards you, it probably means he likes you as a person, not necessarily romantically. I know I am extremely selective about who I want to pursue as a friend, and I can see how it would come off as a romantic type of pursuit when it occurs. Cause if you pass his mental requirements for a good friend, which is rare, his attention toward pursuing that friend can become like a laser focus for want of not letting that rare opportunity slip away. But we suck as social protocol, so our intentions are rarely ever expressed or perceived accurately.

If you think he would make a good friend, then you'll probably need to be the one to initiate the friendship and introduce yourself until the INTP matures in his ability to navigate social interactions.

Also, if he says he admires your boyfriend, you might also ask the INTP to hangout with you together as a group sometime so your intentions are clear to him. We read intentions implicitly and contextually like that rather than through social cues.

Another option would be to ask to all go bowling together. The INTP might like something other than direct social interaction to focus on and might allow him to relax. Sure the conversation won't be deep, but it'll warm him up to the idea of a real life friendship without too much pressure.

 

[TheManBeyond]

I didn't say I want to get on the romantic level with the INTP, I only want to be friends with him, is there something wrong about it?

For me the way you wrote that post disguise some kind of interest beyond friendship. I could be wrong tho.
There almost zero chances to know if the guy likes you since you are in a relationship + his inferior Fe.
If he's not interested the foe sure you are.

 

[Cherry Cola]

There almost zero chances to know if the guy likes you since you are in a relationship + his inferior Fe.

Yeah I think it's hard to know, though nevertheless not at all unlikely that he's in love with you and knows he can't express that love but still wants some contact. Him saying he admires your boyfriend feels like something he might've said because he's scared that you'll figure out he likes you and then diss him.

 

[Mithrandir]

Yeah I think it's hard to know, though nevertheless not at all unlikely that he's in love with you and knows he can't express that love but still wants some contact. Him saying he admires your boyfriend feels like something he might've said because he's scared that you'll figure out he likes you and then diss him.

Could be possible. But even if he does like her in that way, INTPs are pretty good about suppressing social interaction and avoiding conflict. Seems unlikely he would make a move while her boyfriend is watching or aware.

 

[Cherry Cola]

Yeah I don't think he would do that either, he'll probably respect those boundaries.

 

[RaBind]

How old is this intp? Have you observed his behaviors around those he doesn't know and isn't comfortable with, and those he does know and around whom lets his guard down? This might give you a clue into how this THING works.

Personally I don't really care to spend my energy on people most of the time. The exceptions to this being they pique my curiosity, their companionship is of benefit to me or it's a case of necessity (e.g. housemates, although this sort of falls into benefit). If this intp sees relationships the same way I do, then your relationship with him is probably under one of the categories above. Since he doesn't know you too well, and is going out of his way to put in effort into the relationship, he must feel that he has something to gain by it. I don't usually find a lot of satisfaction from social interaction alone, I must feel that I've gained something from it, like an emotional/intellectual outlet. Perhaps just think about what the underlying function of your relationship is. There can be several functions, and that just makes the relationship stronger.

The need for intimate relationships is possibly the weakest force, which can alter my behavior. This doesn't mean that the desire to peruse an intimate relationship won't be there, just that said desire doesn't weight much in terms of whether and how it alters my behavior. So perhaps I might talk to said people differently, however I wouldn't initiate or pursue social interaction solely by my desire to do so.

Lastly it'd probably be best to not think about it too much, and just be upfront about it and ask. People are difficult to understand, and your perception of them is almost always different from who they really are. Thinking too much about people usually distorts your image of them for no real reasons. Plus intps are usually quite honest and expect others to be upfront and open. What you should ask though is up to you.

BTW you probably shouldn't be scared or worried that he might try something, on his own. I don't see intps as initiators or risk takers, in the face of something they value.

my brain stopped functioning correctly at "btw, i have a boyfriend"

Yeah me too. I usually don't give more than 5 seconds of thought to people whom I have no use for.

 

[The Grey Man]

The behaviour of this INTP sounds a tiny bit like my laughably incompetent high school attempts at closeness with an opposite-sex INFJ, who had a boyfriend.

Don't worry, though. The comparison falls apart when you factor in any details. For instance, I can already say I was less successful, because everything I did made things worse. I'm over it now.

Wasn't all that long ago, but a lot has happened since. Sorta mentally (and physically) removed me from the situation.

 

[Anktark]

Firstly, not all INTPs are the same.
Secondly, I am not sure if I am INTP or even a person at all so take this with a grain of NaCl.

That said, there are two ways INTP does his homework (and most other things):
1) Dive into an all consuming research binge.
2) Not at all/ just wing it.

I just don't see an INTP asking for someones help with homework on a constant basis. If the task is not that interesting, adding social interaction (that requires physical presence and/or almost immediate response) on top of it makes it much worse. If the problem just doesn't crack an INTP might write you a letter (maybe even once a year if he is desperate).

Asking for help with homework seems like a reasonable, rather neutral and plausible excuse to initiate contact though. Even if lacking in creativity. You could possibly ask him for help on some more difficult concepts to see if he really needs the help or if it's just a pretense. Just make it elaborate and slow to not rouse him.

Aloofness and short answers might mean nothing or a lot, no way to discern that.

I agree with Mithrandir- ask him out.

 

[k9b4]

I think he's interested in being more than friends with you.

I only ever talk to girls I am sexually attracted to.

What kind of INTP needs help with homework? He doesn't need help - he needs you.

How to tell if he likes you? Ask him 'do you like me?' It's pretty simple.

Just do your mysterious INFJ thing where you know everything and see through everybody.

I'm really interested in him as a person and would love to know him better.

That means you are sexually attracted to him.

I didn't say I want to get on the romantic level with the INTP, I only want to be friends with him, is there something wrong about it?

Yes, if he wants a more than friends relationship, and you want only a friends relationship, any relationship you have will ultimately end in his pain.

Though I suspect you are lying, I think you are interested in him as more than friends.

To me he seems to be a very interesting person and I would like to become good friends with him

DOES NOT COMPUTE. I do not understand why anyone would want to be friends with a person they do not want to have sex with.

The sole purpose of life is to have sex with as many people as possible. Just have sex with him already.

 

[computerhxr]

It sounds like you're into this guy, but you have a boyfriend. Even if you aren't into this guy, that doesn't prevent everyone else from assuming you are, or prevent your boyfriend from getting jealous.

It also sounds like you're young and that's when you should be dating around a little bit to find out what type of person you actually want to be with. You don't want to be figuring that out when you're older and have more important things to worry about. That's just my opinion, and I think you should just do what will make you the happiest because you'll look back 10 years later with regrets.

I would take Mithrandir's suggestions and invite him out with some friends. Bowling with your boyfriend, him, and maybe another single girl? Hook a brotha' up and he will be your friend forever.

If you can't handle him being into someone else, then that's proof enough that it's a bad idea.

INTPs need to be lured outside and forced to be social sometimes. I always had friends that did that for me, and I am an entirely different person than I would have been because of it. Even severe introverts enjoy getting out and being social every now and then.

 

[EditorOne]

I think he's comfortable with you and the homework is an excuse to start interacting. It might be his perception that homework is a socially acceptable way to talk to someone who already has a boyfriend.

However, that's all a bit un-INTPish: He has a goal of interaction and he actually acts on it. (as opposed to thinking about it and never doing anything.)

Whatever he is, he's comfortable with you. If you're OK with that, just don't play any hard-to-get games and you're OK. (If he's INTP, there's some possibility he's "all in" at the level of companionability you're describing. Any Scarlett O'Hara melodramatics aimed at inducing competition among beaus could be interpreted as you showing "I'm not interested in you any more" and you'll not hear a word from him for the rest of his life. I dimly recall some young ladies enjoy that kind of drama, although if an INTP finds you compatible you're probably not one of them.) ((Young INTPs sometimes do not handle rejection very well and can lack the ability to distinguish between real rejection and
theater.))
Good luck.

 

[Pyropyro]

The INTP likes you but I'm not sure if it's more than a friend level.

 

[Pyropyro]

Young INTPs sometimes do not handle rejection very well and can lack the ability to distinguish between real rejection and
theater.
Good luck.

Ouch hahaha. That hits me uncomfortably close for comfort.

 

[Direwolf]

Ouch hahaha. That hits me uncomfortably close for comfort.

Haha same here. Just asked a girl to school formal and didnt end well. Well rejection is better than being mauled by a giant ancient condor so i suppose stuff could be worse. Ahhh have some wierd feeling at the moment, sadness maybe?

 

[EditorOne]

Could be sadness.

This kind of thing, where we invest emotions in risk and lose, apparently hits us harder than it does a lot of other personality types. Here's a little mantra for the offers of friendship, dating, etc. you send out there: "Some will, some won't, so what?"
There's an excellent chance rejection has nothing to do with you, but them. Eg., I asked a girl with whom I'd had a long-time, excellent friendship and a couple of dates out to her prom. She told me Roger had already asked her. Being an INTP, I heard "I already have a date." What I should have heard was "I already have an offer from Roger.' What I SHOULD have done is say "Well now you have two offers," because, as I found out much, much later, she hadn't told good old Roger "Yes" yet and would have liked to hear a little more from me because I was being a lot more forward than usual (hated proms, pep rallies, bonfires, all that false cheer). But no, I did an INTP overreactive total withdrawal and retreated into a summer of brooding and woe and destructive behavior. Many windows died. My one beau geste was to send her a dozen red roses anonymously after I went back to college that fall and let Roger explain no, they weren't from him. Even more pathetically, it took her about 20 years to figure out they were from me.
I'd say I handled rejection poorly. It is indeed something a lot of us handle poorly. Rejection, though, is a normal human interaction, so the sooner you get to "so what?" the happier you'll be. You can retreat into "get INTP frosty", with your emotions, just keep on interacting with people with the happy mask and everything will more quickly "normalize." Like a muscle, it gets stronger with repetition.