Is something wrong with me? (Empathy)

[Prion]

This topic is based on a conversation I had with my mom. She kept telling me how I had to do volunteer work, so I could be a kind person and give my time and energy to others (animals, in this case) in need.

I explained that I am not obligated to help others without repayment. If they are my friends, sure, but why use up time and energy to help animals that I didn't harm? I'm not responsible for their well being, ultimately, they are. If someone finds the act of helping an animal enjoyable, then great, but I don't.

I doubt that any "kind" act is based in pure kindness. There is always the fact that the giver enjoys giving.

My mother called me "heartless" for saying this, and I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. Regardless of how much I still agreed with my own points.

I have been criticized for not being empathetic enough/being immoral many other times. I often wonder if there is actually anything wrong with me (as people say) or if other people are just bitching about me because I happen to act a different way than everyone else and/or themselves.

My ethics (which is criticized) goes pretty much like this: It's immoral to break the law, or any other contract/agreement. It's also immoral to inentionally harm another organism without proper reason to do so. A "proper reason" would be if they initially harmed you, if your free will indirectly causes harm without instigation, or if your survival or basic fundamental well being depended on it.

Should I be guilty that I don't care about helping other people/things who I don't know?I'm rather tired of worrying about this every time a family member brings it up and suggests that I try and change, or that a lack of "kindness" to those I don't even know or like somehow makes me antisocial.

 

[Prion]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

EDIT: title is supposed to say "is something wrong with me." Damn auto correct.

 

[Helvete]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

You have solid reasons for the decision you made and you felt guilty about it. Nothing is wrong with you from what you'v written. There's no reason to be empathic unless you'v felt the animals pain before, so you're free from that one and sympathy is pointless.

 

[Pyropyro]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

You might want to check out Reciprocal altruism (basically doing good while expecting the same in the future) and Competitive altruism (basically non-altruistic individuals are left out by their group to tend for themselves).

Your internal rules are okay but it doesn't plan for the future. When a disaster comes people will more likely try to work with people that helped them in the past than recluses who didn't lift a finger when they're the ones in need.

 

[TBerg]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

You might feel guilty as a result of the your perception of the judgement of the world outside. There is a reason that you gain emotional satisfaction from some things and not others. You might find satisfaction in people finding you virtuous, or not. You might find satisfaction in your individualism as well. We are all formed throughout life with certain tastes and distastes.

 

[Red myst]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

No, nothing wrong with you at all. But there is a difference between going out of you way to do volunteer work for strangers, and helping coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, fellow students etc..... who need a favor. I assume you do these sorts of things?



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[Grayman]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

Objectively, life and health are some things we all share as positive and concrete things existing in life.

I believe the pursuit of these things is important as they are common thread we share and there is no evidence pointing to the idea that my life is of greater value.

Guilt is just a driving force to push you into action. It should be ignored. Do the right things and do it for the reason you believe it to be right and you will find a greater satisfaction.

For me empathy/intellectual sympathy was learned even to animals. Empathizing builds bonds and moves you to action in promoting the life and health. It is also beneficial for the self as Pyropyro explained. Life is a connected system and isolating yourself will be damaging to yourself and those around you. I would again reference my first statement to point out that these are valid and important goals.

 

[Prion]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

You might want to check out Reciprocal altruism (basically doing good while expecting the same in the future) and Competitive altruism (basically non-altruistic individuals are left out by their group to tend for themselves).

Your internal rules are okay but it doesn't plan for the future. When a disaster comes people will more likely try to work with people that helped them in the past than recluses who didn't lift a finger when they're the ones in need.

That makes sense, however I would only have a desire to be altruistic to those who I consider to be friends. We are no longer part of tribes, we are part of countries with lots of diversity. Why would I give to my neighbors even if I don't particularly like them? If I did, then they would think we were friends and constantly come over to bother me. That's not worth them giving me stuff, and I'd rather they hate me for being unkind and leave me alone.

So I suppose I can be altruistic, but I just don't really like the general population (that sounded harsh, but I can't find a better way to put it) enough to give to everyone and be perceived as an altruist. A philanthropist would find it much easier. They are not so selective about who they like.

Thanks for the links.

 

[Trebuchet]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You sound cynical and burned out, maybe, or just annoyed at other people's expectations. You don't have to volunteer anywhere if you don't want to.

You say you only want to help those who are friends. Friends first, help second. However, volunteering can be a way to make friends. Help first, friends second. For most people, it has beneficial effects in terms of feeling socially connected and feeling happier. It is an investment in the society and world where you live.

It is really necessary to find the right thing to volunteer for. I would hate being in a hospital. I like doing stuff that involves the environment and improving science literacy. It also matters what skills are involved. For me, it is better if I can use my computer or science skills, and not try to make people feel better.

I don't understand the argument I see here a lot: if there is no truly, purely altruistic act or urge, then don't even bother. In my view, if it needs doing, and you can get any pleasure or benefit out of it, and someone else will benefit, then what does it matter if altruism is absolute?

I'm not really trying to sell you on it. If you don't want to volunteer, don't. As long as you don't cut others down for volunteering, I think you are fine the way you are. But if you try it, you might like it.

 

[Cavallier]

EDIT: title is supposed to say "is something wrong with me." Damn auto correct.

I fix

 

[Bock]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

In my view, if it needs doing, and you can get any pleasure or benefit out of it, and someone else will benefit, then what does it matter if altruism is absolute?

It matters when people start calling you "heartless" and similar, hence OP:s post.

 

[StevenM]

Perhaps, the idea is not so black and white, or may be a little off from where a solution lies.

The question of "Are you a good person?"(or a bad person, hence the guilt trip) is somewhat faulty.

You are just a person who is always motivated to do what your current level of awareness and understanding allows you.

 

[Prion]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

No, nothing wrong with you at all. But there is a difference between going out of you way to do volunteer work for strangers, and helping coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances, fellow students etc..... who need a favor. I assume you do these sorts of things?



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well, yes and no. I wouldn't help a person just because they are my neighbor or coworker. As stated before, such labels don't automatically make us friends. But I would enjoy helping someone who I like and trust.

And even then, if my survival were in danger, and harming them were the only viable option, I would. although I wouldn't like it.


For example, if my father (let's assume my father is someone I like and trust) and I were stranded on an island, and help was going to come the next day, but we only had enough food for one of us to survive for the day, I wouldn't find it unethical to take the food from him or fight him for it.

 

[Red myst]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

well, yes and no. I wouldn't help a person just because they are my neighbor or coworker. As stated before, such labels don't automatically make us friends. But I would enjoy helping someone who I like and trust.

And even then, if my survival were in danger, and harming them were the only viable option, I would. although I wouldn't like it.


For example, if my father (let's assume my father is someone I like and trust) and I were stranded on an island, and help was going to come the next day, but we only had enough food for one of us to survive for the day, I wouldn't find it unethical to take the food from him or fight him for it.

let me give you an example of what I mean. I have this next door neighbor for 7 years. We never talk. We keep to ourselves as does everyone in my complex. Last week, I saw him fiddling with something under the hood of his car. I was curious, so I asked him what he was doing. He told me, and I recognized the problem and got my hands dirty for 5 minuet and fixed it for him. I enjoyed using my knowledge to help the poor guy out. I would not have given him money to get it fixed, but I volunteered my time which would have cost him a tow truck service and a mechanic charge. We exchanged some conversation bitching about new cars, and I noticed he had a pack of cigarettes. I enjoy a cigarette from time to time so I shamelessly asked him for one, (something I would never do had I not just done something foe him). Then we went our separate ways. I will not go out of my way to seek out people who need help. For one thing I am too introverted for that. I still don't know the guys name, nor he mine. No introductions, just fix it and move on. So that is what I mean when I ask if you help others who are not necessarily friends.

 

[Prion]

Re: Is someone wrong with me? (Empathy)

let me give you an example of what I mean. I have this next door neighbor for 7 years. We never talk. We keep to ourselves as does everyone in my complex. Last week, I saw him fiddling with something under the hood of his car. I was curious, so I asked him what he was doing. He told me, and I recognized the problem and got my hands dirty for 5 minuet and fixed it for him. I enjoyed using my knowledge to help the poor guy out. I would not have given him money to get it fixed, but I volunteered my time which would have cost him a tow truck service and a mechanic charge. We exchanged some conversation bitching about new cars, and I noticed he had a pack of cigarettes. I enjoy a cigarette from time to time so I shamelessly asked him for one, (something I would never do had I not just done something foe him). Then we went our separate ways. I will not go out of my way to seek out people who need help. For one thing I am too introverted for that. I still don't know the guys name, nor he mine. No introductions, just fix it and move on. So that is what I mean when I ask if you help others who are not necessarily friends.

I suppose I would help in that situation, if I was sure it would only take five minutes.