Is it OK to predetermine your friendship

[ZenRaiden]

Is it rational in human sphere to predetermine the type of friendship you want, in terms of compatibility or sexuality etc.
My main point being if for instance you want X thing, how likely or rational is it to expect it.
I found that I often had trouble determining what type of relationship I have with people.
Hence it gets confusing.
My expectations were often blurry.

For instance if someone has a relationship with me " I don't want to be burden or hinder them".
Not in ways that crosses a boundary.
I also feel like what I have to offer is still blurry in my case.
I am not sure what benefit people get from me, besides me being there.

Other than that I am pretty low maintenance in many ways.
In other ways I might be a little too much without intending to be so?

So I wrote down notes what ideal relationships would like, in terms of sex, compatibility, friendship and so on.

But it requires me to really keep track of lots of things daily, or else I might be a little out of my zone.
Not that its bad, but I have peculiar habits in some sense.
I try to avoid drinking, I smoke, but try to keep it a loner activity. Hence not get influenced by others smoking.
Definitely decided to end smoking, drinking.
Also I don't sing, dance.
I can certainly do some visual art, maybe listen to music.
When exercising its kind of hard to talk.
My motor skills and focus usually mean that socializing while doing something, make me uncomfortable.
I prefer doing, and talking separately.
Not that I cannot or want to do both, but you know how it is.

 

[Cognisant]

I think it's very important to both know your intentions, clearly communicate them, and have clear distinctions between each type of relationship.

I say "relationship" as in how one person relates to another, this may or may not be a friendship, it may or may not be platonic, it may or may not be romantic.
English is terribly imprecise in these matters.

You don't want to be strung along, you don't want to accidentally string someone along, just because someone's your fuck-buddy doesn't mean you want to be romantically involved, likewise if you need more than just a fuck-buddy it's important to communicate that.

Even with totally platonic and non-romantic relationships there's people I trust with serious matters, people I'm willing to be silly around and people I'm willing to be vulnerable around, and these aren't necessarily the same people.

 

[Old Things]

I think one thing you may want to think about is the concept of love languages.

It would probably be good for you to find friends whose love language is quality time. That way they would benefit from you simply being there with them and spending time with them.

 

[scorpiomover]

Is it rational in human sphere to predetermine the type of friendship you want, in terms of compatibility or sexuality etc.

Sure, as long you tell them exactly what you do and don't want upfront, and stick to it, i.e. be consistent.

My expectations were often blurry.

That may be part of your problem.

I also feel like what I have to offer is still blurry in my case.
I am not sure what benefit people get from me, besides me being there.

Then why not ask them?

 

[ZenRaiden]

OK I have to work on my direct communication, thanks for help.
Also kind of printed out CBT thing and try that if I can improve some of my stuff.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Is it rational in human sphere to predetermine the type of friendship you want, in terms of compatibility or sexuality etc.
My main point being if for instance you want X thing, how likely or rational is it to expect it.

Predetermine means "decide in advance". It's pretty normal to only look for romantic partners or basketball players if that's what you need in life and it's just as normal to reject people who don't have a chance of meeting your requirements.

I don't think it's effective to predetermine that the person A will be good for basketball, or a good drinking buddy unless they prove that they are good in that setting. So it's not possible to predetermine what the person can be a partner for, but after getting to know them it's natural to label or assign them a role in your life.

Both sides should know what their social requirements are with regards to the other person. If you feel like someone wants you for a role you don't want to have for them then just decline or try to talk about it more.

Personally I have people to hang out with or play games and other people to talk philosophical stuff and another that I discuss emotions with. I think it's easier to limit relations to particular activities. I have one exception and that's my so.

I am not sure what benefit people get from me, besides me being there.

Honestly? You shouldn't feel like people need to benefit from you. Just being there is perfectly fine and you don't owe nobody nothin'. If people keep asking you to hang out then that's proof that you bring enough benefit and you needn't worry about that part.

 

[ZenRaiden]

I don't think it's effective to predetermine that the person A will be good for basketball, or a good drinking buddy unless they prove that they are good in that setting. So it's not possible to predetermine what the person can be a partner for, but after getting to know them it's natural to label or assign them a role in your life.

Yeah I know.
That is what I meant.
I am not expecting people to fit onto my predetermined expectations.
I am just saying its easier for me to know what I want if I have it on paper.

Because conversations happen so fast, and I have hard time working around different concepts in language terms.
People talk and say things.
To gauge things properly I just feel less confused when stuff happens.

I was just reading about vulnerability.
Sometimes I hesitate, as I feel situations are kind of hard to read.
Giving situations context and understanding things is not something that comes naturally in my case.
So I get that it gets a little confusing at times for me.

Some people call it shyness?

Feeling vulnerable is something, but being able to work with that is harder honestly.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Honestly? You shouldn't feel like people need to benefit from you. Just being there is perfectly fine and you don't owe nobody nothin'. If people keep asking you to hang out then that's proof that you bring enough benefit and you needn't worry about that part.

Thanks for advice.

Its not the first time I heard this.

I am only starting to actually understand this stuff and what it means.

So bottom line tracking whats happening in social situations gives me ability to keep a clear mind, instead of cluttered and filled with ideas and thoughts that are confusing.