That is NOT a good situation. One of my college roommates threatened suicide a lot. I was young, she was younger, and it was so awful that I took years getting over it.
Most important: You are not responsible for your roommate's safety. You don't have to be more emotionally responsive to her problems, and no matter what she says about you, your reactions, or lack of them, can't make her hurt herself. That is her choice. Make sure her parents know about the suicide thing. Demand that the school tell them, especially if she is a minor.
Second: You are not a therapist. Dealing with someone who feels down a lot is hard, but INTPs can do it. Like Vrecknidj said, we can listen pretty well. But dealing with serious, chronic depression with suicide threats is way more than you should have to handle while you are so young and paying so much for college. It can hurt you, your grades, your social life, and your self-image.
If you can't handle her, it does not reflect badly on you. Let your family know what is going on, let at least two college officials know, and demand to know what they are going to do about it. They should offer to let you change rooms, or get her therapy, or something. They should also clearly let you off the hook for looking after her. If they ask you to do that, say that you are not qualified and someone else will have to be in charge of her.
Even if you can handle it for a while, at some point it may feel like too much. Go with your feelings on that. If you are fed up, dump it in someone else's lap. Also, under no circumstances promise to keep any of this a secret from anyone.
Just a note: another college roommate I had was poor, with some family troubles, and was down a lot. She was sometimes difficult to live with, but wasn't suicidal or clinically depressed, and that made all the difference. For her, listening, hugs, and being supportive were sufficient.
You sound like a very good friend.
@Trebuchet: Thank you. The "not a therapist" thing is good advice. Sometimes because of my interest in psychology, I can forget that.
Oh, believe me, sometimes I'd like to.
I think it's hard for typical INTPs because we express and process emotions differently than many others. It is not atypical to feel inadequate (or have someone else tell you that you are inadequate) when it comes to dealing with their emotional concerns, even if you are well-meaning and on some level do care. It depends on the situation and the person who desires your help.
There is also the problem that, if I assess a situation and I think someone could do better if they tried, I have a hard time feeling sympathy. There is a difference between clinical depression and just wallowing in one own's despondency, of course; if I sense there is too much of the latter, then I am more apt to be indifferent to / annoyed by the expectation I'd waste time helping.
It can be a tricky business. Sometimes people need a hug and support, sometimes they need a swift kick in the butt and even a slap across the face. And meanwhile, I think INTPs often don't let emotions "run across our face" or in our voice or through our body language; we filter all that out to remain impartial and balanced; so the other person might not realize that we are trying to help or that we care.
Also, I have had to force myself to engage more directly, since I have a tendency to assume people desire more autonomy than they do, and what feels like my imposing my help on a situation is actually welcome by them.
This. This is pretty much what
has sometimes really gotten on my nerves about the whole thing: sometimes I think, despite how I know her depression is real, she does wallow. And she does let things get to her and people make decisions for her when she knows better. She KNOWS some people are not in her best interest, and she just returns again and again to be emotionally dependent on them. This, from the perspective of someone who has always been stubborn and valued independence to death, can inspire a lack of sympathy.
In the end, I remember people are different from me, and experience emotions differently. And that sometimes, someone's own personality is against them, and they might have never had the same supports (as I had with my mother, who is fierce), to teach them how to be their own person.
Trebuchet's post makes a *lot* of sense.
I lived for a year with a roommate who was seriously depressed and talking about suicide. Handling this situation really worn me out and left in a pretty bad shape psychologically.
You have to think about yourself, try not to isolate you with your depressed fellow (other people/institutions should be involved). Depression is a serious condition, which requires psychological follow up + medical treatment. It took me some time to realize I could not be 'responsible' for my comrade's life and that all my efforts would anyway have a limited impact.
Thank you for your perspective on this, especially as someone who as also experienced this type of situation.
It is, now that you mentioned it, an important thing to my own sanity that I've maintained quite a few friends outside of my roommate. I actually spend much more time with other people than I did with her during the school year, which was helpful.
Is there a confidential crisis line in the community that your friend resides in? If so, she could contact that number whenever she needs to. They also might be able to lead her to other resources. If your friend is in school, I would recommend that she or perhaps you check into what the school offers.
Emotion is tough. What activities does she like? You could both partake in like activities every once in awhile. I agree that staying in contact via email is a good idea. Keep in mind that you're not responsible for your friend.
Other than music we don't have much in common, but I can try.
The depression has sort of drained her personality out of her, over time, I think.
To be honest if I had a roomate who kept talking about suicide, I'd just not spend time with him/her.
I'm not willing to help out poeple with emotional problems unless they've been my friend for a long time.
Sometimes I do wonder about why I should do something like this, especially when she is my friend for little other reason other than that she is my roommate, which happened because our university put us in the same room.
Sometimes life is crazy, and when I thought about it, I decided that even if, emotionally/personally, I don't give a fuck, I wouldn't be living by my ethics (which are not derived from religion, by the way) if I didn't support her.
Yes. This is excellent. I have been with, and listened to, people at the precipice. However, I'm not a therapist and sometimes was just damn lucky. Threats of suicide are a big deal.
Pushing people into therapy usually isn't going to work. One of the reasons I have personally had decent luck with talking some people into getting help is because I've been in therapy myself. It's a lot easier for some people to accept the possibility of something like therapy if they've connected with someone who admits to having done it.
Dave
This is a good point. I know for a fact her best friend back home has been in therapy and that my roommate even says it helped her friend. I think this could be a good final point to make to her which would probably result in her going to the university's therapy when we get back.
It's important that she gets help. You can't help her all by yourself with something this big and don't blame yourself if she doesn't get better. It's not your fault if something goes wrong. All you can do is be a supportive friend and hope for the best.
I hope this helps at least a little.
Thank you, especially for your own story, it does help.
Listen to Tupac?
That is all I can think of.. BOB MARLEY. Yeah. That's it.
lesbian?
You should use this as a hint that there is no other way to solve an emotional issue than an old fashioned logical argument.
You will result with "oh well".
Fun facts, pjoa09, I do listen to Bob Marley and Tupac.
No, I happen not to be lesbian, and I don't think she is either. I have never had any problem with homosexuality, for the record.
I have been down that dispassionate-logic route many a time. It's how I first thought about it, how I occasionally still think about it. In the end, though I just will support my roommate because depression is not something she can just shrug off, and people in my ethics are just not something I can shrug off, as much as I want to.
