INTP Relationship Troubles

[andrewbaker77]

Long time INTP'r, first time poster.

If any one can help with an perspective:

Is it common for an INTP to have what I'd call knee-jerk reactions to trivial relationship disagreements. In other words:

1. She seems to be pissed about something so trivial that I said. (I am INTP)
2. I ask her, "hey, why are you pissed about what I said."
3. She gets more pissed because I am being annoying.
4. I can not to save my life just let it go. Against all better judgement, ask again "why are you pissed?"
5. Now she's 10 times more pissed.
6. So I still stupidly push it. The relationship explodes, I make it worse with whatever I say until she tells me for the millionth time, I can not be with an INTP person, you're just way too much work.
7. Now, I go save it. Convince her to stay.

A few days later.

1. She said something so trivial that pisses me off.
2. I ask her "hey, why did you say ..."
same.....3 to 7.

And just typing this, seeing this, oh man, I feel like such a jerk to see how inane it is, especially as she is suchhh a cool rad Zen person. I am guessing this is not due to my INTPness, but simply my immaturity or ?.

Other than this knee jerk issue, we have a super cool adventurous relationship, and I think have made it through 13 years of this nonsense because we're pretty stoked about each other.

(Geez, I feel like I am on a psychiatrist couch.)

OK. Thanks to anyone for reading and offering up any perspective.

My simple goal is to understand and stop this stupid action of mine.

 

[Synthetix]

Fuck her a final time then break up for good.


Lol, you're asking an INTP for relationship advice.

 

[Chad]

I vote this way only because I am and INTP myself and I would hope that others would find us attractive. I believe my wife finds me attractive.

 

[Adrift]

What you're doing is the right thing. I think if she doesn't want to discuss things that make the both of you feel bad then it's not worth it. Being annoying for asking why? Isn't asking why a general part of who people are? (maybe more so INTP)

In the end it's all up to how you feel. Don't feel locked in because you've been together for a long time but don't feel like you should just drop everything because of this. You can still be together now and not have to settle down. Enjoy the relationship for what it is. If it's not "lifetime" quality then don't stay for a lifetime.

 

[PhoenixRising]

It sounds like you and she misunderstand where each other is coming from. You may have a lot of interests/views in common, but essentially your psychological functions are incompatible somehow.

You could try getting to know each other to a deeper level. Something that may make it work more smoothly is sitting down with her and discussing a more open communication. Perhaps for a while you could both explain why you're saying what you're saying, what your rationale is. Also, stress the importance of bringing up problems or frustrations as they come to mind. That way, less emotional pressure will build up and you'll likely be able to discuss things more calmly.

The polar effect of Fe in INTPs does tend to cause overreactions to things sometimes. I've found this especially so when there is a compatibility issue, and therefore a sort of constant tension in the relationship.

 

[SpaceYeti]

Our dispassionate neutrality can actually be a cause of drama, believe it or not. People may assume you don't care simply because you don't constantly share your feelings. Also, I notice that some people like to talk. A lot. If you cannot remain focused on the things they say, even though they've been talking since you got home, they might presume you don't care about what they have to say, and thus; them. They don't understand that we naturally turn inwards when we want to relax. They don't understand that we're essentially using up a lot of effort and focus not relaxing in order to pay attention to them, so they cannot appreciate that you're doing it for them. To compound the matter, if you do inform them that paying attention to them drains your energy, there's a fine chance they'll get offended and take it to mean you don't care about them. It's very easy to make people think you don't care about them. All you have to do is be yourself.

Also, I can't speak for other people, but I have the most difficult time understanding why seemingly superficial or minor problems can lead to people basically freaking out and making the problem no longer the problem, but the problem becomes them freaking out. I cannot relate to it at all. A lot of the time, I don't even consider the initial problem to be a problem in the first place. Even when their complaint is legitimate, though, overreacting only makes things worse, not better. It's like their mind just stops on the problem, building anxiety over the problem, getting angry at the injustice, yet never considering how to actually solve it, or still focusing on it even after it's solved.

Or sometimes people will pretend something minor is a problem when there's something completely separate that's the real problem, and I don't know what they have against bringing up the actual problem. Or maybe they're not pretending, maybe it's the anxiety from the real problem building up so that the minor problem broke the camel's back. Either way, I don't know why people have such a difficult time dealing with their feelings.

Do I legitimately have fewer or less potent feelings than others, or have I simply beat them into submission? Why would a feeler have a worse grip on their feelings than a thinker? Feelings are supposed to be our weakness, right? Why do they appear to be the weakness of others, then? Are other people simply super bad at problem solving, to the point they can hardly even identify the problem?

 

[Publius]

This is the main issue in my relationship with an ENFJ. As soon as an argument starts, it is no longer about what started the argument. Unfortunately for me, logic kicks in and I try to tell her that we are just arguing about arguing. She doesn't get it. I start making smart and insensitive observations about things she has done wrong in the past because that's exactly what she's just been doing, but apparently that's not ok.

It sounds callous but the only effective way I have found of dealing with it is wait til she's exhausted, running on empty, on the verge of tears even! And then be apologetic and attentive. What happens up until that point is pretty much immaterial.

 

[Jason43]

Seems like there must be more to me... I'm almost unaware of minor issues when I'm in a relationship till the other person freaks out... if you are with someone who is really an INTP, I'd expect you to be on your own respective planets half the time. I have super low needs and expectations for the other person. Have good conversation and lots of sex? About all I need.

If you both have your emotional walls up because your relationship is unstable or you dont trust each other anymore, you need to just bail. Sucks, but itll drag on forever like that. My exwife was an INFP and we shouldve bagged it up three years before we did, but neither of us could make a decision.

 

[andrewbaker77]

Holy Moly, I forgot alllll about this comment. Just found it and laughed. We found our magic again. That was just a rough patch, and i was just overthinking it as I alwaysss do. Martini is amazing and we're having a blast in Borneo. x 100000
Kisses sweet girl.