INTP Honeymoon Period

[IncohateINTP]

Any other INTPs out there who start out "strong" in a relationship: with much, interest, with much interaction, with much attention, with much affection? And then, after the honeymoon period ends, revert back to type: introverted, quiet, less affectionate, wanting more time alone (or at least less time interacting), less attentive?

I feel like I'm a salesman using a bait and switch routine: hey, look how wonderful and romantic I am, how perfect I am as a mate. But little do they know what's in store after the honeymoon period ends. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not a doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, just not nearly as "interested" as I was at first (which really isn't necessarily accurate or true, but I admit that's how it seems).

And wow, do they fall hard too. I've only had a few relationships in my life, so the sample size is small. But, each relationship has lasted a number of years and each partner has loved me more than they have loved anyone else. I've also been their most amazing lover ever (that does not wain, as I use my hyper focusing abilities to great extent). I know this all sounds rather conceited, and for that I apologize. But, for the sake of discussion, I ask that you indulge me in my observations, as any attempts to justify/support certain of my comments may just sound like more inflated hot air.... My only point in even mentioning this is to highlight the tremendous pressure I feel in letting my partners down, in setting high expectations and then failing to meet them....

My biggest fear is that this will always happen, that there is no person who will continue to intrigue and interest me and motivate me to keep up that wonderful partner quality of my personality. I feel very confident that I'm a solid INTP (but I'm no type expert, so who knows what I could be missing). But I also feel I'm at the high end of the spectrum in my desire for a mate/companion. I was just wondering if other INTPs feel this way and if so, have any ever found that relationship that continues to hold your interest?

 

[Sinny91]

I get bored with people like I get bored with webpages.

Refresh... NEXT!

The longest interest I've ever had was a 5-6 year fuck buddy. Kept that interesting over the years by having other interests, lol.

He eventually found love.

Everyone else does.

Sigh.

 

[Turnevies]

What I think might be a good idea is being very honest from the beginning about who you really are and how you wan't to live. You will attract less people in that case, but the ones you still do attract are more likely to be someone you could sustain a long-term something with.

But better take my advice with a disclaimer, as I'm not an expert in love either in the sense of having much hands-on experience.

 

[Helvete]

Take the INTP bit out and you're left with the same scenario. Most relationships fail, regardless of type, people change and have conflicting interests and aren't easily paired neatly together. This is especially prevalent in young people. Like, jesus, if I think of how I was two years ago I struggle to relate to myself, then somehow two people are supposed to maintain mutual feelings?
All I can say is, good luck!

 

[IncohateINTP]

What I think might be a good idea is being very honest from the beginning about who you really are and how you wan't to live.

Well, that's just it - I'm not being dishonest. I'm not putting on an act or anything of the sort. How I act in the beginning of a relationship is who I am when I am very much interested in someone. Problem is when I settle down into a certain level of comfort with a person, the way I behave changes.

Now, can I warn someone by saying - hey, btw, the person you are/have falling/fallen in love with isn't the same person you will end up with after a certain period of time; I get distant and want time alone and won't be as attentive, etc...? Well, I could, but 1) they may or may not believe me, and 2) it may or may not be true.

And THAT is why I posed the question - to see if this is something commonly associated with INTPs or not. Maybe all it takes is for me to find the right person. I don't know. Unfortunately I've played true to type with regard to thinking that if someone shows any interest in me I need to take advantage of that and have a long term relationship with them. I've also played true to type by being fairly easy going when it comes to being able "compatible" with lots of different people. And, most unfortunately, I've also played true to type by not quite understanding what emotions I feel at any given time and what I do or don't want in a relationship and even if I do know, how to go about getting it, or recognizing early on when I see signs of the things I don't want....

 

[IncohateINTP]

Take the INTP bit out and you're left with the same scenario. Most relationships fail, regardless of type, people change and have conflicting interests and aren't easily paired neatly together. This is especially prevalent in young people.

I get that. But what I was trying to determine is if this particular trait I described is common to other INTPs or if it is something not at all related to type dynamics. Now, does it really matter if it is type dynamics or something else? As for the "problem" - no, it doesn't matter. However, as for my perception, or thought process about the "problem" - it just well might matter. Maybe my experience with this problem is more a function of not having yet found someone with whom I am truly compatible. I've often felt I could co-exist with just about anyone. Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but still, I definitely feel people can find it very easy to be in a long-term relationship with me. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty of annoying habits, but I am pretty easy going and also pretty malleable....

Now, as for age, I'm sorry to say youth (at least as for chronological age) has nothing to do with it for me, as I'm not anywhere near an age that could be considered young.

 

[viche]

I'm not an INTP but I have followed that "recipe" in my relationships at times. First act very interested and personable and come on strong - then, later, go completely cold. Several other people on different occasions have expressed their surprise at this. I traced it down to the sx/sp instinct stacking. First the sx instinct comes on strong create a bond, a relationship - then after certain over-saturation point the sp wall comes up and I shield them off.

From your story I wouldn't be surprised at "image triad" type with the Sexual instinct as 1st or 2nd, since you certainly put in an effort to create an image for yourself and put on a performance for other people to "fall hard" for you. On this chart your story is closest to the combination of sx 3 and 2.

3 is classed as an "attachment" type and I've noticed some sexual 3s can't go around for long without being involved with anyone (to put it elsly, without getting "attached" to anyone).

 

[Jonathan]

As for myself, I don't give a damn about other people (that I don't know), but even more for a selected circle of very close friends and family.

Well, if I do love someone (doesn't happened that much, but I don't plan more than one other time in the future), I love her fully comitted, even up to risking self-obliteration. I do strictly expect the same in return though. That's probably why I am still single (and I hate it to leave the house).
I just see love as one if the few things that make life very worthwhile. As I like to say "The slave is free of responsibility".

 

[Vrecknidj]

I'm a 48-year-old INTP, my wife is a 50-year-old INFP, we've been married since I was 21 and she was 23.

It's possible.

 

[scorpiomover]

My biggest fear is that this will always happen,

Self-fulfilling prophecy. Low self-efficacy, which is the biggest single indicator of lack of reasonable planning and a realistic amount of effort and perseverence, which in turn is the biggest indicator of failure.

that there is no person who will continue to intrigue and interest me and motivate me to keep up that wonderful partner quality of my personality.

I think that is a common worry for INTPs about anything. But we do find jobs, topics and friends who continue to ingtrigue and interest us, even after decades. I see no reason why the same would not be true for other fields such as romantic partnerships.

The question is: Do you simply hope for it to happen? Do you believe it will happen? Or are you willing to do something about it?

E.G. When I was in an advanced college, there were some married students. They used to read the newspaper, so their wives would have something to talk about with them, that they both knew about, and both knew about in equal depth, so they could have a conversation about it that interested them both, and still have things to talk about.

 

[Minuend]

Most relationships require active maintenance if they're going to last past the initial infatuation period. Meaning both parties take care to show they appreciate one another, engage each other etc. What scorpiomover said about some in his class reading the news to have something to talk about is a gesture that helps that goal. Also things like reminding yourself what you love about your partner, what made you fall in love in the first place, appreciating how lucky you are to have someone love you back etc.

Maybe some types of relationship works without anyone putting in any effort other than what "comes natural", but I think for most there needs to be consciousness effort. But if you find you're hating to go that extra mile, then maybe the feelings aren't really there or your partner wants things from you that isn't compatible with your personality in which case it might not be a good fit.

As for whether it's an INTP thing, I think it's just more of a normal thing to go all in at the start, but then the infatuation passes and people start engaging less or even break up. Some are fine with things becoming less intense and just enjoy the company of the other, while some think it a signal that they're with the wrong partner.