INTP boss

[banani]

So I am an ENFJ (I think) and my boss is an INTP. I think that I may have really offended her or hurt her feelings, and I would really appreciate any advice you INTPs could give me on how to best handle the situation. She and I have always had a rather unique relationship--she is more like a mentor/friend to me than a boss. If we were anywhere close in age, we'd probably be close friends. I connect with her so well--in many ways, she and I are very similar, although I am much more extroverted than she is. It isn't very often that I meet someone that I identify with so well, and my relationship with her means a great deal to me.

What happened is this. Last week, she found out from someone else that I was looking for another job. She and I talked about it, and she said that it didn't bother her, but judging from her behavior toward me this past week, I am worried that it did. My reasons for looking for another job actually had nothing to do with her--I love working with her, and it would be really difficult for me to leave.

As of now, my plan is to talk to her when she gets back from vacation next week, and make it clear to her that my job search was not about her. (I'm not sure I made that clear enough last week when we talked). My fear is a) that she won't believe me and b) that this has permanently ruined our relationship. Any advice on what to do/what to say would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Kuu]

How do you know she's INTP?

 

[Ermine]

It also might be helpful if you told us a bit more about work before your boss heard you're quitting. I don't have too much context here.

 

[Fedayeen]

How do you know she's INTP?

Doesn't sound like an INTP from the context does it?

 

[Decaf]

Its also possible that your boss is simply doing what many of us INTPs do when we see the end of something coming. We withdraw our investment. Perhaps she suspects that without a working relationship, your friendship would deteriorate, and so she is accidentally hastening the process by counting on you less and preparing for life with you gone.

It is a poor habit, I know, but nonetheless it has reared its head many times in my own life. If that is the case, I would suggest figuring out a way to reassure her of your continuing contact post-separation. Friend her on Linkedin or somesuch. Most INTPs have a habit of allowing relationships to dwindle away, so be the ENFJ that you are and let her know that you can shoulder that burden.

 

[Agent Intellect]

i agree with decaf, i've done the same thing myself (several people have come and gone from my job since i've been there). the problem is, personal relationships can seem like somewhat of a chore to me at times (not going to speak for all INTP's) and when i have a work relationship, its easy because we both have that mutual meeting spot, but once they quit, it takes more of a conscious effort to continue the friendship. that must sound really cold, but i don't think i'd have the energy to maintain friendhips with everyone i've ever worked with or gone to school with. i guess thats not very helpful, but maybe some insight on whats going on.

 

[FusionKnight]

Also, if your boss really is an INTP, she might be resigned to the rationality of your decision to leave (she's accepted the logic of your decision) and therefore there's nothing else that require discussion. An F, like yourself, probably feels like if you don't really hash it out and expose each other's feelings about the subject that there's no closure. An INTP on the other hand might simply accept your leaving as fact, and leave it at that.

Coupled with the above, like others have said, is probably the fact that INTPs aren't good with feelings generally, so if your boss is saddened by your leaving, she may have no idea how to process those feelings, and so withdraws.

 

[fullerene]

On first glance, I think the three posts above me pretty much say all I would have. If you're looking for something more, though...

she said that it didn't bother her, but judging from her behavior toward me this past week, I am worried that it did.

why do you think that it bothers her? How has she changed over the last week? Are you sure she's actually changed, or are you just more "on the lookout" for her distance now, so that it seems like she has?

 

[Ermine]

I'd second that your boss is basically resigning herself from the relationship with you in advance. Don't take any offense. I did the same thing when I had to move away from friends I've had for several years. Not that this is justified, but it's our way of lightening the emotions involved with a friend leaving.

 

[Thread Killer]

intps are not really good with those sort of things. I would be surprised if she was offended. Maybe more unsure of how to act or if she did something wrong.

 

[EditorOne]

I'd be curious to know what about her actions or demeanor makes you think she's upset.

I'd also suggest the possibility is that what she's upset about, if she is, is that she heard you were leaving from someone else rather than you. Speaking as an INTP boss myself, I've often told folks that when they think it's time to go, let me know and I'll help (keep in mind I work at a small newspaper where a lot of folks intend to put in a couple of years to learn the trade and then move on to something bigger. Me offering to help is actually part of the package for giving us a couple of years, plus I like to see people succeed. I find most people simply distrust the offer and think if they tell me they're interested in leaving they'll get fire or something. That neither surprises me nor dismays me much any more, even though it's offputting to not be trusted that way after an honest offer to help.) But back to your point: Friends share their personal plans. Business associates don't necessarily share anything personal. If you thought you were friends, what kept you from telling her what your plans were? If someone did that to you, how would you feel? It could be that what you did sent her a signal that you look at her as a boss, not a friend, and she is simply responding to you as an employee, as per your signlal. Remember, if she's INTP, she thinks, she doesn't feel.

wjw

 

[Jesin]

If she is INTP, you probably didn't offend her or hurt her feelings. Most people here, at least, are not easily offended, and put a high priority on understanding.

That said, how do you know she's an INTP?

Remember, if she's INTP, she thinks, she doesn't feel.

Yes, she would feel. She would just think more than she feels.

 

[Decaf]

Or rather she feels as much as everyone else, she just doesn't trust her feelings in her decision making processes. You could make her angry as hell, and she'd still try to make an unemotional decision.