I have never desired children. When I was little, I did not enjoy playing with dolls - in fact, I destroyed them because I could not stand the empty, dumb look on their chubby little faces. Contrary to my female peers, I hated Barbie dolls the most. I would mutilate their eyes and cut their hair off. I would burn their bodies, or stab their eyes out with a pen or something. When I grew older I couldn't stand babies - I would do anything to avoid them, and I hated their crying and screaming.
A study suggested that girls who mutilate dolls are potentially destroying a redundant image of themselves:
"The most readily expressed reason for rejecting Barbie was that she was babyish, and girls saw her as representing their younger childhood out of which they felt they had now grown,"...
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As I grew older I watched my mother and all the other mothers in the little village I was living in. I thought they must be bored out of their brains, but perhaps I was projecting, because I was bored. All people seemed to care about was their little worlds. I wanted out and away - the sooner, the better.
I had boyfriends and later more serious relationships. I was married for 8 years, but we never talked about children as we were both highly independent types with our own goals and desires.
The marriage ended when I was 27 - we drifted apart because we were already living separate lives. I was in a couple of longer relationships after that, but they ended. The factor of me not wanting children became a serious problem as I got older, and partners tried to nail me on the topic, which I tended to avoid at all cost.
I realised I had to avoid relationships because I became a source of pain and I was wasting people's time with me.
I just could not do it - everything in me screamed no.
It wasn't just the commitment issue. It was the idea of the huge responsibility that I could not even fathom. I did not want to be the one that ended up stuck with a couple of kids when my husband left me. I have never believed that two people could spend all their lives together, so why should I carry the burden, only to get stuck with it later when the relationship fizzled out? What about the kids? It all seemed like the biggest nightmare.
The other thing that worried me, apart from the self-preservation issue was that I did not think I would ever be a good mother. I just did not feel anything around children. I did not like them - I am still hesitant to admit that, but it was true.
I used to have nightmares of being pregnant. The idea of pregnancy was repulsive. And I feared all the potential things that could go wrong. To have my body subjected to all that pain and distortion, no way.
I have never been the sort of person who would value children higher than grown ups. My mother put all children on a pedestal, and I could not understand why. The whole "women and children first" thing used to puzzle and irritate me, because if the world was already over populated, why should we bother with this outdated, desperate life-propagating brainwash?
I am not disputing Hado's point here - in fact, I am agreeing with the point on social replication. I don't want more
Me's.
I am talking about personal choice. I had a responsibility, first and foremost to myself. Secondly, I would never forgive myself for bringing someone into this fucked world if I could not even take responsibility, or be a good mother to them. Thirdly, the world did not need my fucked up genetic contribution. I don't even like my own family, that may have had a significant impact, and I am aware of that, in case some smartass decides to be condescending to me on that point.
I am 47, and I have never regretted not having children. If I had the choice again, it would be the same. I see too many families broken up, and too many lost kids out there.
There is a part of me - the lost and angry child that wants to save them all. I want to stop all the circular abuse and madness.
I can't. All I can do is to be responsible for my own life.
