INTJ - INTP compatibility

[Dimensional Transition]

How well do INTPs and INTJs get along?

I've just been kind of surprised by the sudden coldness and weird judgemental(shouldn't have been a surprise, but it was) behavior of a female INTJ I've been talking to for a while. It feels like she has been wanting to go somewhere with me all the time, but I refused to get manipulated in such a way or so... I don't know, it's hard to explain, really, but I'll give it a shot.

She wanted to hang out with me, I said something like sure, I guess tomorrow is fine. However, after a while, I found out there isn't anything worthwhile to do tomorrow and there are no real possibilities for fun locations to go to or so, besides roaming around town, which seems (and to my experience has previously also been) dull.

All of a sudden she got really nervous about it, like tomorrow is some sort of special day on which we HAVE to hang out. She refused to just cancel the whole idea and pick another day to do something.
She told me: 'If you cancel tomorrow, you'll also cancel the day after, and the day after that, et cetera et cetera. I just don't see things working out between us.'

I told her that's a ridiculous thing to say, there's no reasoning in that. If there'd be something fun to do on another day, I'd do it, it's just that I hate being around people and not doing shit.

All of a sudden she had to go and said bye, and well, I guess that's it.

All in all, it seems like she thought we were in some sort of romantic relationship, or beginning to form one or whatever... I don't know. All I know is that our friendly relationship is probably over now as well, too. Which is a shame. I did enjoy discussing various topics with her, oh well.

What is your experience with INTJs? Does this seem like something an INTJ would do? Do INTPs and INTJs get along well or not? If this does not seem like an INTJ from the little bit of information I've shared, what type could she be?

I'm amazed at how serious some people take social nonsense.

 

[NoMan]

The nature of relationships is complex, and doing a straight analysis of compatability in terms of MBTI types might not be the best thing for a situation this nuanced, especially since NTs are brilliantly slippery and their interactions with each other always seem to me to take on a Looney Toon rivalry dimension after a while, especially if (but not always because) the two people in question are sexually uninterested in each other.

Anyway, I'm an INTP, my girlfriend of long-standing who I've lived with for nearly half a year now is an INTJ. I've never been this happy around a girl, to be honest. She finds me nitpicky (which I always laugh about, because the initials of nitpicky are NP, which are also the initials of my first and last name). I find her short-sighted or lazy to about the same degree and often in the same situations that she finds me nitpicky in. The key to our relationship is maintaining honesty with each other about how we feel or think the other person is acting. We elaborate without getting condescending, and we beat about the issues until we can agree, or agree to disagree.

Outside of that, problems are minimal.

But you two are different people, so keep that in mind, as I'm sure you already are.

EDIT:

Also, regarding your suggestion that she might be of a different type: shoot for INFJ. I've been close to many female NFJs, and the younger ones especially like to think that they behave logically and cunningly and will often carry those ideas around like a badge, giving a false NTJ impression.

Also, there's always just low-percent Ts who border on F a lot.

 

[SpaceYeti]

My best good buddy is an INTJ, and we get along legendarily... though neither of us expects anything sexual from the other.

 

[musing]

How well do INTPs and INTJs get along?

I've just been kind of surprised by the sudden coldness and weird judgemental(shouldn't have been a surprise, but it was) behavior of a female INTJ I've been talking to for a while. It feels like she has been wanting to go somewhere with me all the time, but I refused to get manipulated in such a way or so... I don't know, it's hard to explain, really, but I'll give it a shot.

She wanted to hang out with me, I said something like sure, I guess tomorrow is fine. However, after a while, I found out there isn't anything worthwhile to do tomorrow and there are no real possibilities for fun locations to go to or so, besides roaming around town, which seems (and to my experience has previously also been) dull.

All of a sudden she got really nervous about it, like tomorrow is some sort of special day on which we HAVE to hang out. She refused to just cancel the whole idea and pick another day to do something.
She told me: 'If you cancel tomorrow, you'll also cancel the day after, and the day after that, et cetera et cetera. I just don't see things working out between us.'

I told her that's a ridiculous thing to say, there's no reasoning in that. If there'd be something fun to do on another day, I'd do it, it's just that I hate being around people and not doing shit.

All of a sudden she had to go and said bye, and well, I guess that's it.

All in all, it seems like she thought we were in some sort of romantic relationship, or beginning to form one or whatever... I don't know. All I know is that our friendly relationship is probably over now as well, too. Which is a shame. I did enjoy discussing various topics with her, oh well.

What is your experience with INTJs? Does this seem like something an INTJ would do? Do INTPs and INTJs get along well or not? If this does not seem like an INTJ from the little bit of information I've shared, what type could she be?

I'm amazed at how serious some people take social nonsense.

I doubt that she is INTJ - probably INFJ, as NoMan suggested. That said, in my experience INTJs are rather judgmental of people and things. Though they do not take too kindly to the prevalence of social rules, I've observed that they do often expect others to work within the relative framework of society (as opposed to an INTP, who tends to not care if someone is being socially correct). Additionally, they trust their intuition nearly ALL the time. When (and this does not happen very often) their intuition does happen to be wrong, they usually still rely on their intuitive prowess.

But I still don't think she is an INTJ, as her peculiar reaction to you merely canceling an event for a single day is not in the least rational. The NFJs tend to read too much into people's actions and think that they can always perceive what another person is thinking. Also, INTJs would probably remain very calm about the matter, instead of acting emotionally and immediately labeling the action as indicative of you not wanting to be around her at all.

The INTJs I know are excellent at debating and very good at tracing logical patterns of thought. INTPs admire and share this capacity. But INTJs are often much more centered in external reality, while INTPs lock themselves almost exclusively at times to the world of ideas and theoretical concepts. INTJs often think of INTPs as lazy, when in fact most are anything but. The INTP concentration on a singular, abstract component while ignoring physical work can irritate an INTJ.

Thus, I think that an INTJ is good as a friend to an INTP (and vice-versa) but not as a mate.

 

[Cheeseumpuffs]

But I still don't think she is an INTJ, as her peculiar reaction to you merely canceling an event for a single day is not in the least rational. The NFJs tend to read too much into people's actions and think that they can always perceive what another person is thinking.

That doesn't mean she isn't INTJ... I have an INTJ... uh... "friend" who does this sometimes. It's not his normal reaction to everything but recently he has been interested in this girl and will analyze everything she does to see what that "means." He has even (seriously) come to the conclusion that her parents hate him and are trying to keep them apart.

In response to OP, we don't get along too great. If we are in physics together doing work then we get along amazingly and even do the work better than most others. However, outside of problem solving, our ideas on everything differ. Socially, politically, whatever, and this leads to confrontation. He really pisses me off though, because he always complains and blames his problems on others and is never "wrong." The weird thing is that even though I don't like him very much and we have had a number of arguments lately, he still tries to hang out with me and our 'study group' despite saying "I hate you all" on multiple occasions.

So...not to take a dump on the "INTJs are awesome" vibe, but.... yeah. We don't get along.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

The weird thing is that I used to think she was quite rational, which I really liked. This is probably the first irrational thing I've seen her do. I'd be tempted to say she's an INFJ as well, but this is just one incident of course. You can't expect 'rationals' to be rational ALL the time after all.

I had constantly been suspecting there was a double agenda or so hidden somewhere though. Quite strange.

I think I'm starting to see how well INTPs and INTJs get along. In general, our P and their J seems to piss both sides off immensely after a while? With exceptions of course. Our laid-back let's-see-what-happens attitude is something they perceive as lazy and apathetic. I think this might've pissed her off or so. Although I really don't see why I couldn't just move the occasion to another day...

 

[scorpiomover]

I found that many people put great store by the arrangements we make. Many people also have a laid-back approach to arrangements. It's different for different people. I DID find that those who seem to be more sure of themselves, even to an irrational extent, tended to be the ones who were sticklers for arrangements. I also find that hanging out with those people is useful and pleasurable to me. So I want to hang out with those people and at the same time find it to be quite difficult.

I have found that I have to be a lot more accommodating and tactful when dealing with such people, in order to continue the friendship. I have to word things carefully to explain that the friendship WILL continue, by committing to another day, BEFORE I cancel the current one, or they tend to panic.

I have also found that I have to be very careful about questioning their ideas. These types of people tend to react as if when I am rejecting an idea they have proposed, that I am rejecting them and everything about them. So I have to act as if I agree with them, while being careful to phrase things in such a way as to be non-committal on the matter, without such non-commitment being something they see as a red flag.

For me, it's dicey dealing with such types of people. So I do it, but only every so often, and I do feel a lot like I am walking on eggshells. But you cannot make an omelette with only milk.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

I really hope I can somehow make this up to her now. Even though she was (in my view) kind of unreasonable. I'll probably have to say it's all my fault and that I'm a dick, right? :/

EDIT: Wait what is going on.
This girl does not get online anymore on any communication-things like msn. And I've heard she's all upset. Now this could be coincidence but I hope I didn't do this.

Can somebody please explain to me what happened? Did I hurt a girl really bad by trying to move a day of hanging out to another date?
I think she is INFJ indeed. This doesn't seem Tish.

 

[Sijov]

It is a possibility, particularly if she has read far too much into something you did, and she has fallen into a circular sort of reasoning where worse and worse circumstances arise and become impossible to dismiss. It certainly does sound like there are some feelings for you mixed in there.

I find that I (an INTP) do this from time to time, in particular when I have strong feelings riding on whatever this issue is. It has come up a few times in my previous relationships, to the extent that if my girlfriend suggested that we had something that we needed to talk about, I would immediately imagine the worst possible consequence and have to discuss the issue immediately in order to banish the spectre that I had created. Now, this is totally illogical, and very much out of type for me (but at its centre arising from overanalysis and a poor understanding for others' feelings), but I'm still unable to properly control this reaction.

I suspect that this friend of yours may be going through something similar, and is unable to see past the extra meanings that she has given to otherwise unrelated events. As well, her reactions may have been conditioned by events in her past, setting up a few illogical expectations (eg 'you're going to keep cancelling on us hanging out day after day') because she's learned that that's the way it works.

However, there are too many unknowns, too many possibilities (for all you know, her dog died, and she didn't want to deal with you just yet) to be sure about any of this. Maybe gather more information? Try to get in contact, see how she is, see if she wants to hang out, thus communicating that the bridge isn't burned.

 

[musing]

As well, her reactions may have been conditioned by events in her past, setting up a few illogical expectations (eg 'you're going to keep cancelling on us hanging out day after day') because she's learned that that's the way it works.

If indeed this is true, she very well may be INTJ. I know an INTJ whose family (including extended) all died before he was 14. He hopped around with families who only wanted government money for caring for him (when they found that they were as poor as they were before, they gave him away). Consequently, he is positive that everyone is trying to ruin him and is absolutely sure that he will die at an early age. And as Cheeseumpuffs said, not every action an INTJ makes is completely rational.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

I just went for it and apologized for whatever I did wrong. She thought it was good I showed intitiative and everything turned out alright, surprisingly.

Apparently she was fighting with multiple people at the time, causing her to be very annoyed with almost everything, so it wasn't entirely my fault.

I get what you guys are saying, I, as a 'rational' INTP do irrational things sometimes as well, it's impossible to stay completely rational all the time.

 

[A22]

Most of my friends and loved ones are/seem to be INTx's
I also get along really well with ESFJ's and ENFP's.

 

[GYX_Kid]

There are a few people I can with complete certainty classify as INTJ

In the past, most of them have seemed a bit too serious or prone to being condescending, but I'd probably click with the "type" more now overall.

One INTJ friend I had in middle school made this pipe gun, which he used to shoot a screwdriver through a desk. And he showed zero outward emotion (outside his family) when his dad died. In actuality he's a really peaceful person. Actually once at lunch, he threw an opened chocolate milk container stuffed with ground meat across the cafeteria, and it blew up all over a guy who gave him a black eye afterwards. I remember being proud not to have ratted him out when the guy came over to find who did it, it was one of the other friends at our table who told him.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Most of my friends and loved ones are/seem to be INTx's
I also get along really well with ESFJ's and ENFP's.

Almost the same here.

Most of my friends appear to be either INTJ, INTP, ENFP or ISTJs.
ESFJs... not so much though. They piss me off really easily.

 

[GYX_Kid]

Hm... I know I have friends who are ISTP, ENTP, INTP, ENFJ (on the border though), ENFP, ...not certain of others off the top of my head

One girl who keeps coming back to me is ISFJ

I think I generally like INFJs' style of an alternate mix including Ti (with humor, etc.) but it can be more of a challenge to initially connect so easily

 

[Jelly Rev]

My INTJ friend would do this if it really mattered to him. usually tho its an awesome friendship, talking about how messed up sensors are and creating what if scenarios with Ni-Te and Ti-Ne is just crazy, when sensors hear us talking they just go wtf and literally cannot keep up, all they can do is watch in awe.
The best part is prolly that neither of us need to emotionally show anything and anything emotional will either be made of or solved not empathized.

The worst part about an INTJ-INTP relationship is lack of leadership. like we drive into town to eat.
INTJ: where do u want to eat? INTP(me): Idc. INTJ: pick somewhere's.
Me: no u. I really dont care(I dont). INTJ:....me either, pick. Me: ok Wendy's.
INTJ: I hate Wendy's
Me: WTF then u pick. INTJ:..... ME:....(thinking)...Fine where dont u want to eat.
INTJ: X...Y...Z.
ME: fine then V. INTJ:K

 

[SkyWalker]

My INTJ friend would do this if it really mattered to him. usually tho its an awesome friendship, talking about how messed up sensors are and creating what if scenarios with Ni-Te and Ti-Ne is just crazy, when sensors hear us talking they just go wtf and literally cannot keep up, all they can do is watch in awe.
The best part is prolly that neither of us need to emotionally show anything and anything emotional will either be made of or solved not empathized.

The worst part about an INTJ-INTP relationship is lack of leadership. like we drive into town to eat.
INTJ: where do u want to eat? INTP(me): Idc. INTJ: pick somewhere's.
Me: no u. I really dont care(I dont). INTJ:....me either, pick. Me: ok Wendy's.
INTJ: I hate Wendy's
Me: WTF then u pick. INTJ:..... ME:....(thinking)...Fine where dont u want to eat.
INTJ: X...Y...Z.
ME: fine then V. INTJ:K

the INTP would pick sooner since INTP starts with a judgement function (Ti) ? TiNe vs NiTe?
The INTP just has to use it's 4th function to act it out

is this why MBTI calls it IxxP instead of IxxJ? because the Ji cannot act it out? (in socionics they switched Ixxp and Ixxj to put a judgement function first when it's j, but maybe mbti has a point?)

---

BTW I have run into an ENTJ lady and she has "decided" she wants me...(without asking me, or even testing the waters). TeNi is the worst, judges so fast, almost blind to perception!

 

[viche]

They go together well if they have some common interests to discuss. When they have fights the arguments tend to go around in circles with neither being able to persuade the other. The relations are described as Quasi-Identical: Functional Breakdown, Quasi-id friendship

 

[Moocow]

Communication between INTPs and INTJs can be rough and I'd say 90% of the conflicts between us are from misinterpreting each other's intentions. It can be hard to follow each other's train of thought, and sometimes it's hard to tell if we're talking about the same (or even different) things.

 

[Dimensional Transition]

Communication between INTPs and INTJs can be rough and I'd say 90% of the conflicts between us are from misinterpreting each other's intentions. It can be hard to follow each other's train of thought, and sometimes it's hard to tell if we're talking about the same (or even different) things.

Definitely.
All is good with this (presumably INTJ) girl now, but we still have regular arguments, and we pretty much always find out it was all just a misinterpretation of something in the end.

 

[A22]

I get along really well with an INTJ girl. We don't have communication problems since if I have something to say to her I just say it. Not that I don't care how she'll feel about it, it's just that I'm really open with her. IDK about her but she seems to do the same. It might be because we know each other for a long time.

 

[Hypocritical truth teller]

I always had little NTs in my friends circle - why? We are two alike and I can see how can that be good because I treasure them for some things that my NFs friends have and they don't. NFs were always somewhat annoying at the time but they are good friends. INTJs are great becouse they "make sense". And for being judgmental they always see things which I would probably miss seeing. They I kind of warning to me.

 

[NinjaSurfer]

interesting INTJ vs INTP thread @Personality Cafe