Internal Emotional Personification

[Firehazard159]

I know there's been quite a few threads on how we perceive and interact (or don't interact) with our emotions, and this thread will be similarly along those lines, but slightly different.

In my head, there is an entire fantasy world. I rule from a large castle, but the world is empty, and so is my kingdom. The castle is my fortress, my defense against anyone from the outside, and it's extremely difficult for anyone to break inside, mostly they'd have to be let in by me dropping the drawbridge down so they could cross the moat. Even then, they'd have limited access in the castle, an audience with me in my throne room, and nothing more, no exploring the side halls or anything. This is the personifcation of my internal self, that few get to see, and no one is allowed to stay.

The character sitting upon the chair isn't exactly *me*. It's my roleplay character that I've always carried around in my head; Eldrian, human paladin. His general characteristics are like my own, only more pronounced where I'd like them to be... a broader, more heroic looking jaw / face, less youthful and more grim, but not old. Just what you'd expect of a king, mostly. Strong, hearty, heroic.

The story in my head, the fairy tale, or whatever, is that the paladin is the only person who can keep the demon in check. This demon is down in the lower levels of the castle, chained up in a cell down in the dungeons. He's a bit ethereal, and he is constructed by all the rage / anger / sadness I feel, which looks something like a red / black swirling energy that creates a somewhat solid looking form, with power surges flowing through him.

If I ever lose control on my emotions, or the more I feel my emotions, the stronger he's pulling at the chains, the more he's breaking free, and it's up to the paladin to secure the chains that hold him in place, therefor never able to leave. I can always feel the presence radiating, though, and it has a slight affect upon me. I've always considered this as to why I brood, is that darkness is emanating, which causes me to avoid eye contact and internalize. That, to me, is why people are "scared" of me, as the other thread that inspired me to write this was discussing. (I was going to post this there, but it felt a little off topic.)

My parents always told me to punch a pillow if I was ever upset and felt destructive, supposedly it worked for them (Though, I think they were S types, so maybe that's why.) For me, sometimes the demon gets loose on his own, or sometimes he merges with Eldrian, and starts tearing down the castle (walls to protect the outsiders from coming in, but also to keep whats inside from escaping.) until Eldrian can manage to wrest control again. This is the eternal battle / conflict internally.

I've had this sitting here for a few days, and wanted to add more to it, but I'm not certain really what to include, and would rather just get it out there than let it sit and lose it to the computer crashing or me just feeling irrelevant and deleting it, so maybe I'll add more at some point, but this is all for now :P

Does anyone else have a similar internal world like this? Or, do I just have an extremely overactive imagination?

 

[Zero]

I have a similar ... projection. I write, so it's always been kind of a thing for me. I have characters, plots and I like to read as well. All of my characters and plots are symbolic and have meanings and personal opinions bearing down on them. In formula fiction this is discouraged.

In Jungarian terms I consider my longest lasting character a representation of animus and/or the Shadow. Over the years I've analysed all my characters and how they relate to me, what parts they are and why they are.

That's not the same as what you're describing. I don't usually have mood swings. I rarely get angry and when I do I get very angry. I was so angry I didn't pass this test that I slammed into the door and was about ready to throw my computer at a rock. I guess my fast pace across campus kind of wore me out. Then I felt angry enough to cry, because I'm such a fucking failure when I can't pass a deceptive pretest with an 85! I didn't want to cry, so I gave myself a headache and wrote my woes to a friend and told them I was not going to return to school. Then I went to get coffee and while I was waiting for it I calmed myself down (I use chakara colors to contain my emotions and control my breathing- which helps with everything) and the coffee actually helps. So basically I have a vice. After that I told everyone about and have been telling everyone about it and blogged and even made a topic about it here. Writing has almost always been a vice for me. Though somedays I really just want a punching bag. I also want a bat and a knife. And fire (smoke and fire both brainwash me).

I've been "bad mouthing" my school like crazy the last few days. I hate it (I mean I hate the school).

My characters aren't related to emotions. They're related to concepts and such. They're also an escapism. Sometimes I'll review an event with them and a similar circumstance. In that which I can consider my experiences experience.

I HAVE to THINK THROUGH emotions. It's a tedious and annoying process. (And try as I might, I cannot hand off this work to other people).

I think it's interesting that you have all this imagery you can summon when you get angry or have strong emotions. I can't imagine doing that. It's Absurd to me. It takes too much of my concentration just to deal with strong unpleasant feelings. I can only use imagery for so much. . .

 

[Firehazard159]

My emotions actually very rarely manifest physically, the turmoil is always internally, it only really affects me by putting me into a brooding mood. If I'm under a lot of stress, mainly financial, loneliness and other factors can cause me to break down and cry, but that's extremely rare, and even more rare is the actual explosive rage.

The worst time I can remember, was when I was about 11, and my sister and her now-husband broke my stoic control, and I literally went berserk, to the point of my sister actually being scared for her life, she and her boyfriend had locked themselves in the house and kept me outside (17/18 year olds.)

I actually don't remember any of it, other than screaming every profanity at them (and making up some new ones on my own), when I'd never said a single swear in front of my family before that moment. I saw a literal screen of red rage, I remember her boyfriend setting the trigger off the broke me, and I remember the cooling down phase, everything else was red. Once I started cooling, I felt completely empty and refreshed, a little shocked, and entirely bewildered that I would act in such a fashion.

Your coffee vice actually makes me think of my monster consumption, which is in effect a vice for me, instead of drinking alcohol, I binge on excessive monsters to elevate my mood (rather than depress it further with depressants). Makes me more talkative, and a bit freakish in my own opinion, but I enjoy it, and often times find myself wondering if my heart will stop from the excess, sometimes hoping it will.

Rather than working through my emotions, I consider it more a battle of wills, and either logic will (and usually does) win out, or I'll have the metaphorical dam break open and that's the demon breaking free, the red rage incident, the tears free flowing.

 

[Zero]

No, you don't understand. Vice or whatever, it all comes down to this:

I must think though, work through, piece by piece. It must be dealt with.
It's not a battle of will. It's nothing so fancy or whatever.
It's not something I control, it's not fun, there's no relief (other than my distractions and vices, but that doesn't completely detour the project).
I mean working through ONE, ONE Instance can take years. It can take weeks. I will continually complain about it, write about it, grieve about it. I won't eat, I'll either sleep excessively or not enough. I hate getting up after falling asleep. I think that's the hardest part of my life, just awakening.

Strong emotions pretty much interrupt my life. It's not like a game for me. It's almost a problem I wish I had meds for. I don't get violent, it's not physically manifested in a way other people easily see. It probably looks more like depression or lapses there of.

I mean just getting upset is the first phase. This simple test situations is probably going to be dealt with for months...Only because I really do have to go to the class to pass it. . .

No metaphors, none of that whimsical stuff. I deal with emotions as if they're a serious illness, because to me they kind of are.

I don't think we deal with strong emotions in a similar way at all.

My guess is I'm rather strange in this area.

I've never had an instance in my life where I was so mad about something I saw just a color, but I visual them to control emotions.

 

[Artifice Orisit]

My inner-world is underground, at least, that's how it feels...
this is going to be very hard to describe.

The world itself is like being inside a fancy if slightly less than modern hotel, except there's no windows anywhere and the labyrinth of rooms and hallways go on forever; it's not a labyrinth because movement is restricted, it's anything but, every room has several doorways leading to adjacent hallways and rooms. I called it a labyrinth because no matter how far you travel there's a sense of not getting anywhere, although the exact layout of each room is different, but they're all lounge/conference rooms of a sort, like waiting rooms but more comfortable, perfect for reading. The sense of being underground comes from how dark and dead silent the place is, all light is from soft unnatural sources (lamps, roof-lights), there are no windows so obviously there's no sunlight.

There are stairs leading from one level to the next, but only one level at a time and each consecutive level down is a little gloomier and every level up is slightly brighter; but the carpets, wallpaper, furnishings and everything else are exactly the same style, making each level aesthetically indistinguishable from the next/last. To add more confusion the level of light will slowly increase/decrease to match the luminosity of the original floor from whence one came, so if you were to stay in one place long enough it seems like you’ve somehow gone back to where you were before. In effect the place is an inescapable labyrinth of complete freedom, which now that I think of it seems very symbolic, because obviously I can’t walk out of my own mind.

I’m not alone in this place (I don’t use a proxy character, it’s just me), there are hundreds of other “residents”, their whole existence involving either talking or reading, usually in very small groups or alone, it’s not uncommon for several to be reading together. All residents follow a strict civil code, always speaking softly, always being polite, never running around or otherwise drawing attention to themselves, it’s not unfeasible for residents pass through a room without any of it’s occupants (if there are indeed any, most rooms are empty) ever noticing.

Some residents are characters from fiction I liked, others are friends or family (well, my perception of them anyway), still others are characters I’ve created personally or psychological aspects of myself, e.g. anima/animus, shadow, id, super-ego, etc. The psychological aspects tend to hold the most respect, there’s a sense of power/authority attached to them, as if they’re the lords ruling over indefinable areas of this infinite maze, perhaps they co-own it. Although it’s not like the fictional characters and other personifications are ruled over, if anything it’s more like a moderator/member relationship.

Lastly there is the demon, s/he is the personification of conflict/malevolence and one of the more powerful psychological aspects, but the others keep it well restrained. Individually the demon could subvert/defeat anyone one of them, but as a whole they are able to negate its corrupting effects. The shadow self is the most powerful aspect and is likewise the most easily corrupted, often the demon will turn it against me in what is I suppose for my own good; see they both have great ambitions for me, differing ambitions, but none-the-less they both want to push my psychological development.

When I meet with the demon personally it’s to let go of something, say for example somebody does something that really emotionally hurts me, I use the demon as a garbage bin for such things; it takes my pain and feeds off it, all the while trying to seduce me into giving it more control, and it knows exactly what to say. Whenever I’m angry, that's when I’m listening to the demon, letting it close to me, letting it become a part of me… that’s the nature of emotional pain, it feeds the demon and as it grows more powerful it gets more control, sometimes it’s better to just suffer than to risk feeding the demon too much.

Sorry if that was a bit long.

 

[Firehazard159]

Ah, so I'm not alone And wasn't too long for me, haha. I actually quite enjoy your world, and could see my own having been similar to it, were my interests / fantasies not so embedded in the world of medieval fantasy.

 

[Vatroslav]

I deal with my emotions very effectively, with the greatest help from intuition... a pretty functional way to do that... simply staying calm, and letting the thoughts to flow and just watching the possibilities, then deciding with Ti...

So I am extremely calm most of the time, and rare things can brake my calmness. In most cases, it is my fault... I get angry very rare as well... have a high tolerance. But I don't know what would happen if someone or something really kicked me of the track...

EDIT: Actually, it is always my fault...