Inner child

[Black Rose]

I know someone who told me my inner child is wounded.

That is why I cannot engage with people in a more forceful manner because I am afraid if I do I will be hurt again.

I fear rejection. And I need to become stronger.

Abstracting things is my form of coping.

I learned that this is called Psychological Distancing.

I do not wish to offend certain individuals.

But it hurts to be soft all the time.

I cannot say how I really feel. because of rejection.

Emotionally it all builds up and I repress the need to cry alot.

I feel if I take things out on others I will be hurt worse.

So I feel extreme sadness without expressing it externally.

 

[birdsnestfern]

There is a way to walk a line between honesty and kindness. It depends on the situation, but you can state a truth as how you feel and nobody can argue with you that way. Like, when you did such and such, I felt ____. Its just stated as your truth. It can't upset anyone when its your truth. Usually it helps bridge more understanding when you tell people what you need to succeed. (This doesn't work with narcissists though).

There are some meditations that you can try and soul journeying things you can try. I'll add more at another time, for some reason I'm drawing a blank, I'm pretty sure I need to work on my inner child too.

Here is one, also a book called soul journeying, but that is harder.

 

[Black Rose]

I feel sadness in my throat, brain stem, and thalamus.

Fear happens in the thalamus, brain stem, and stomach.
I lack control of what others do and bad things will happen.
I freeze. I cannot run away. Everything is empty.

My heart, I do not feel my heartbeat, I do not feel my breathing.
The heart and lungs are the medulla oblongata.

Anger: I feel it in my back and spine above the abdomen, I want to hit and break things with my fists. I want to crush things. I fear losing control.

My heart and stomach and bottom troat feel empty and tight, But I ate 10 minutes ago.

I feel my midback, between the arms and neck (Costovertebral Junction)

sternum is hard, no pain just tight.

No problems with red, orange, or yellow chakras.

I think my chakra system is reversed: It goes up not down.

Everything is weak above the yellow one. But the throat is the strongest.
I have the strongest communication, but it comes from the eyes and crown.

 

[Black Rose]

communication

I have problems expressing myself with my negative emotions.

I internalize things instead.

I think that is what my mother did. Because no matter what I say to her she does not acknowledge me. She ignores me no matter what I do. And to get her to respond I need to do something extreme. I know that if I ripped her family photos up she would get mad at me but then she would just ignore me even harder. She only thinks of herself. She does not care what I do instead she blames me for everything. She blames everyone else. She does not understand why people pick on her. All she thinks is "Why are they so mean to me". The answer is that people pick on her because she does not care. That is why, but she cannot conceptualize it. It is like she is 5 years old. All she thinks is "They are mean to me."

My brother broke all her stuff but she does not do anything about it. Only when I do things does she get angry? He yells at her and makes her ask for money on the street but she does not understand that this is wrong. She ignores him so much he cut her hand because of it. Then he went to jail. But she did not care. So I broke her cell phone and my cellphone and broke my tv and then I went to the hospital in November.

I remember that because my aunt ignored me when she was staying with me in 2019 that I got so mad I broke her tv. I told he that she needed to organize her clothes so we could give some away, the ones she did not need, but she would not listen and I said I will help you do it but she kept saying no, I said if you do not do it I will break your tv and she still would not listen so I broke her tv. All she had to do was separate the dirty ones from the clean ones. That is all she had to do. Because all she had to do was let me help and she would not let me. All she did was ignore the problem. And she was staying in my house and she pooped on the floor and clogged the toilet all the time.

Everything bad in my life happens because my family ignores the real problems we have. So that is why I cause them problems until they fix things. But they don't listen so they don't stay with me anymore.

 

[birdsnestfern]

I'm sorry all of that sounds so rough. I can't imagine the pain of being ignored like that.
It is hard to move on when you are wronged so much. Need clear boundaries with them - rules about what you will tolerate.

 

[Black Rose]

A family friend told me my mother operates on the lowest level possible.

That means she does not think/reflect on things. She is a zombie.

That does not mean she cannot do things, she knows/understands the gas bill needs to be paid. But when I tell her that we have problems she does not understand. I told her we are poor but she does not understand. I told my aunt "If we are not poor why do we need food stamps" She did not understand.

She and my aunt do not understand that predatory loans cost more in the long run. I told them to pay the loans off so she has more money each month. She can buy more food if she has more money but she did not understand. Every time they ran out of food they got MORE loans on top of the ones they have. This resulted in them not being able to get any more food or any more loans. Me and my sister had to force them to pay it all off at once and then we had to hide the titles they had because they used it to get another loan.

Same but a different problem with my my brother, If he spent money on marijuana instead of toys he would not yell so much. And my mom would not need to ask people on the street for money to buy more marijuana for him. His social security will not let him buy marijuana so he takes my mom's money. She had no money because of the loans for a long time.

My mom does not understand that you fix the car the right way not the wrong way. Every time the car breaks she buys a new car instead of fixing it in the proper way. If she fixed it properly it would not break down. This time when it broke my mom had no credit to buy a new car. Because she had my brother fix it instead of listening to the family friend who told her what really needed to be done not my brother's way it broke and was repossessed.

-

My aunt made 50,000 a year for 30 years but never saved for retirement because she believed social security would pay for everything. She never bought a house. She gets $1,200 a month and is 75 years old.

Right now my mom lives with my sister and has no car. My aunt is in a nursing home, and we want to get her an apartment and 24-hour caregiving services. Because she does not like the nursing home.

My brother may be homeless because he made people angry where he lives now.

 

[birdsnestfern]

I'm glad you are safe now. Don't worry that you broke a tv, or had anger, seems normal to me after all that. The drama they are creating is not your circus, its theirs. That you know your Mother operates from that level, maybe blame won't help, just know she won't change.

Keep things as simple and easy as you can which you are already doing. You can change things! Focus on the good things that you have going on around you, and let go of the things you can't help. You can't help the family members that are trying to take you down to their levels. You are doing so well already because you recognize whats happened. Focus on doing things in new ways and appreciating everything you've been through that leads you to today.

Inner child: Embrace him. Love him.
Bring light to the betrayals, rejections, hurts from family and people and all of those pieces of art are beautiful pieces of you.
Love the downs and the ups. Forgive yourself, forgive them, they are clueless and not helping, but you need to work on you now.

 

[Black Rose]

I have nothing wrong with my eyes. (cerebellum | striatum)

But I am dysregulated. Just in a different way than autism.

It has to do with trauma, anyone can experience trauma.

It gets into the brain stem and limbic system and has to do with safety and emotions. I shut down and am overwhelmed but it is because I am stuck in certain places.

I have simple partial seizures. This means that my brain makes mistakes in different places. And I have ADD - one of 7 kinds according to the Ammen clinic. So certain passages are blocked. Not the eyes, which is the main cause of autism.

My dad hit us on the head when we were young so it is not about the inability to develop, it was brain damage, not a genetic disorder. Trauma causes the brain to ingrain certain patterns of survival activity.

It is scary to feel emotions that hurt. I block them out and shut them down because they are triggered by events in the environment. By things that tell me that I am bad.

But currently, they have all been coming out. I can control what I do with them but it hurts real bad. But what calms me down is really loud music. And stop myself from feeling rejected. It is that I cannot let things affect me too much anymore.

When things affect me I suppress the emotion behind them. I found that I do not need to express them but only feel bad for a few moments and then they go away. And Breathe real deep and get it out without putting it onto others.

The brain is like the body, parts can atrophy and can be stiff and lose circulation. It needs to be coordinated and put into alignment. So that everything flows where it needs to go.

Most of all I need to believe in myself so I can get out of the cycle of being stuck in my emotional blockage. It is hard to say things to people because of rejection but I can do it without feeling bad about myself.

Understanding Autism in the Brain

Understanding Autism in the Brain

docs.google.com

 

[birdsnestfern]

Music is great, as its free and fun. Dancing, journaling, or write your feelings - even the darkest ones you can put on paper and burn the paper over the sink, the flames will purify whatever it is, after you've gotten it out and on paper. Write out all the bad stuff on paper. When you are ready, take a match and light it if you don't want anyone to find it. For some reason, flames take it away from your spirit, so thats why, either go outside and light it over a trash can lid or in the sink with the window open. Outside might be better.

If its something you want to express in art, then think of how you can transform your trauma into something that will help others if you can, through a poem, through a picture, a song, or art. Or teach people about it. If you feel like you are helping others with it, it turns it into a pearl of your soul. Usually, you have to find something that rises above the issue, its like flushing the toilet, the water has to rise higher than whatever is in there, and swirl and swirl and take it away. So, your resolve has to be very determined and focused and it might be to change the focus on the spiritual lessons of the whole thing and forgiveness of yourself most of all. Or simply, to focus on something healthy you can do for yourself.

Archangel Gabriel, Archangel Michael, Archangel Raphael, please help AK to heal his trauma and repair his connections.

Say this Three times:

I call upon the beloved angels and archangels to hear my prayers this day.
For Another Person:
I call upon Archangel Michael and his legions of angels to clear all negative influences, from any source, within and around (name of person) and their family and home. Cleanse them and give them the courage and strength for the next phase of their life. Guide them along their highest path of greatest good. Show them the way.
I call upon Archangel Raphael and the legions of healing angels to heal this person on all levels – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – throughout all time frames and dimensions.
Return their Body, Soul and Spirit to wholeness and balance.
I call upon Archangel Gabriel and the legions of messenger angels to bring this person messages, guidance, hope and inspiration that is perfect for them right now, in the most perfect ways, so that they will have all the loving guidance that they need right now.
I call upon Archangel Jophiel, and angels of joy, to lift the spirits of this person, and bring them joy, happiness, love, laughter, lightness of heart, and love of life.
I call upon Archangel Metatron, to purify the Spirit and Life of this person, and allow them to be a purer channel of God’s love and service to others. Bless their life in the highest and most appropriate ways.
I call upon Archangel Chamuel to heal, harmonize and bless all the relationships in the life of this person, so that they might spread greater harmony, love and light upon the earth wherever they go.
I call upon the legions of Angels of Abundance to bring this person all that they need for this journey through life, and shower them with abundance and riches appropriate for them in all areas of their life, so that they might know that they are truly blessed by God
So mote it be. It is done. I thank you.
For Yourself:
I call upon Archangel Michael and his legions of angels to clear all negative influences, from any source, within and around me and my family and home. Cleanse me and give me the courage and strength for the next phase of my life. Guide me along my highest path of greatest good.
Show me the way.
I call upon Archangel Raphael and the legions of healing angels to heal me on all levels – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – throughout all time frames and dimensions. Return my Body, Soul and Spirit to wholeness and balance.
I call upon Archangel Gabriel and the legions of messenger angels to bring me messages, guidance, hope and inspiration that are perfect for me right now, in perfect ways, so that I will have all the loving guidance that I need right now.
I call upon Archangel Jophiel, and angels of joy, to lift my spirits, and bring me joy, happiness, love, laughter, lightness of heart, and love of life.
I call upon Archangel Metatron, to purify my Spirit and my Life, and allow me to be a purer channel of God’s love and service to others. Bless my life in the highest and most appropriate ways.
I call upon Archangel Chamuel to heal, harmonize and bless all the relationships in my life, so that I may spread greater harmony, love and light upon the earth wherever I go.
I call upon the legions of Angels of Abundance to bring me all that I need for this journey through life, and shower me with appropriate abundance and riches in all areas of my life, so that I may serve fully, and so that others may see that those who serve the Light are truly blessed by God.
So mote it be. It is done. I thank you.


Raphael, Gabriel, Michael

 

[Black Rose]

I fear rejection.
I am always feeling rejected.
I have no one I can trust completely and that means nothing is safe.

I do not feel smart. I feel stupid.
And no one will talk to me about the stuff that interests me.
I guess that no one will play with me.

So I guess that makes me bad.
Because if I was good people would care about me.
Everything I do I do by myself, I have no friends.

And I cannot do things by myself.
So that means I cannot have fun.
That makes me sad.

If I was better I could do things by myself.
I do some things by myself.
but confidence is still low.

What am I supposed to do?
I want to make ideas.
So I need more information.

I was not good at research.
Nothing is at my level.
So I write things down at my level to understand.

but I want to share them.
To get feedback.
I do not just want to know.
I want to get a better understanding.

I need to understand and create.
To feel better.

 

[Black Rose]

I think my mom has an IQ between 70 to 75.

Global developmental delay - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[birdsnestfern]

Inner child is our real self. Our job is to reparent this real self and really listen to it and let it know you are listening and caring.
See if you can develop a relationship with it every day through dialogue, play, encouragement and hugs.

Typical things the inner child needs or wants:

Acceptance as myself as I am and encouragement, and not being pushed to be like others

Reassurance that everything is or will be ok

Ask: how are you? What is your opinion? How do you feel?

If its acting up, intuit, does it need encouragement, special attention, apart from the attention siblings are getting

Does it need soothing

Does it need to feel it's ok to be different than others and to be allowed to cry when feels sad and hurt.

Does it need nurturing.

Does it need compassion and understanding about my sensitivity to the world.

Does it need to know you will no longer ignore your inner self when it feels wrong or bad.

Does it need to be picked up and held safe like an infant?

 

[ZenRaiden]

I seriously recommend this video.
Dr. K explains various levels of work needed for overcoming trauma.
Its very sad video, but worth watching.
The guy was severely traumatized.
Trauma is unique to everyone experiences it subjectively differently.
But the principals of addressing trauma are well defined in this video.
I also recommend this guy Gabor Mate.
Basically search CPTSD if you want to heal attachment issues.

 

[birdsnestfern]

One more to try:
Listen to some shamanic drumming as you lay flat on your back with eyes closed.
Ask your body to help you release trauma and feel whole and complete again.
Just lay there and listen.

 

[Black Rose]

The Hoffman Process: Changing Lives in 7 Days​