I Tried To Kill Myself

[subwayrider]

My depression is more or less cured by Zoloft, however on it I feel numb and have almost no sex drvie to the point of feeling asexual. I'm less expressive. I feel good, but not exactly normal.

So I tried to reduce the dosage, and I had some good days where I felt normal, but then I have days like today which are just hideous. I know what you mean about the heavy chest but haven't been in a stupor before. I consider suicide most days, often fleetingly, but some more than others.

Some patients who found little to no relief, sometimes due to side-effects, of their depressive symptoms on prescription medication stumbled onto St. John's Wort and found it worked better than anything they'd tried before. From what I've read, it acts, among other things, as a mild SSRI; from experience, it gives you a subtle, nice and natural stimulant-style high that can help you stay positive and connected to people, socially.

I'm not saying it's a cure-all or that it's for everyone. It's been known worsen symptoms in people who experience, as it's now known, mania.

I found that it worked best for me in combination with Omega-3 supplement-- Fish Oil is the best, in terms of the time it takes to reach your brain, I believe.

Ever heard the term "E-tard?" I've heard rumors over the years that Prozac's chemical makeup is very similar to the street drug, Ecstasy's. In any case, many users report their respective effects to feel very, very similar. Actually, many users are even mixing them now for a super-high. Perhaps someone has more info on this?

I've thought about suicide on-and-off from the time I was middle-teenager. I've obviously been depressed a lot. Drug abuse used to be my thing. I'm not sure why, but, these days, I feel good enough not to need to resort to drug abuse to escape my woes. I'm still sad a lot, A LOT. The state of the world still makes me want to curl up in my bed and never wake up, when I think about it. My life is good, though-- not that that's enough, for me.

A common 21st century problem, especially in the First World, is dependence on internet porn. I just made a thread about it in the old forum. A lot of people, young people included, develop a compulsion for viewing and masturbating to internet porn. Done enough, this creates serious problems with serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain, among many other things. There's much information on the subject at this website: http://yourbrainonporn.com/

Never underestimate the value, and relevance, of adequate nutrition, exercise, exposure to (sun)light, talk therapy and in vivo social interaction-- though over the internet can help, too.

On the whole topic of psychiatric medicine as it exists in the States, which I personally have much mistrust for, this was pretty good: http://blogs.scientificamerican.com...are-psychiatric-medications-making-us-sicker/

They're prescribing children amphetamine. I see no reason to trust them.

 

[Viqing]

Sorry in advance for the quasi-hijacking-attempt of the thread (by focusing on myself rather than the thread-starter), it just helps when others "comes out of the closet" first. Or so to say: it's easier to click the "Like" button than to write all the original stuff on your own..
Though I'm really just dropping by & would just appreciate some feedback with my concerns.

Well, first, just to respond;
@op
Yes I have been in a depressive stupor, but no knives has ever been involved - I hate those things, probably originating in certain childhood events/dreams/nightmares. I occasionally look for Cyanide pills online but haven't looked deep enough to find them "available to ship at order" etc.

But what caught my attention particularly in this thread was the camping-answer!
I've been wanting to do that (get away/camp/hike/backpack) for a long time, and have already invested into backpacking gear that I've had for about a year or so.
But one of my main problems is that I become lonely so easily.. I'm such a people-person that just happen to "hate" most people -_- Or I should say: most stupid people. Or rather - extremely "spiritually" immature people (that is: maturity not measured in how well adjusted to norms one are, but how well thought-out one is). And then we've included the great majority of people already - not being well thought-out.. And then there's some additional criteria which narrows the percentage even more down for the generalization that "I don't enjoy most people's presence" to be sort of sound.
But yet I have an extreme need for bonding with someone, or social input, etc.
Really, I just have so many contrary (not to say 'contradictory') impulses..

I'm going to end this now, having been interrupted by my whateverthefuck self-consciousness/introspection/#JK¤%R KWE¤RFJWERGFPKERKW#¤RK realizing or being sucked into the drain of Lost Hope followed up by the desire to self-destruct yet again.
Luckily the level of the desire of self-destruction is currently low enough that I can temporarily transgress by simply going to sleep.

Oh, quick second try:
Imagine this guy times 2 or so.
Or, well, I think I'm 0.5x IdrA externally (in appearance/behavior), but I think I'm 2x IdrA internally (emotions, arrogance/intellect).
Now imagine this guy times 2. How does one rescue this person?
Thanks >_<

PS: Although my post couldn't be more awkward and annoying ++, I for once hope that this one awkward post doesn't kill the thread. Sorry to OP if it does.

 

[The Lost One]

Hey @Viqing dont worry the thread is staying alive much longer than expected so anything goes.
I don't have any answers for you right now. But know that it is not awkward, we don't think badly of you and paranoia is the most fucked up thing to have (I have it and I can tell you have it... don't worry). Its essentially a type of delusional thinking even if you dont have delusions. You are lovable, you can be rescued and more importantly once you love yourself you will rescue yourself.

I don't know if what I just said had a point. Seems like we are all fucked up. This time I am self pitying again but whatever.

 

[jpc]

Maybe this will help:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs

 

[Viqing]

Hey @Viqing dont worry the thread is staying alive much longer than expected so anything goes.
I don't have any answers for you right now. But know that it is not awkward, we don't think badly of you and paranoia is the most fucked up thing to have (I have it and I can tell you have it... don't worry). Its essentially a type of delusional thinking even if you dont have delusions. You are lovable, you can be rescued and more importantly once you love yourself you will rescue yourself.

I don't know if what I just said had a point. Seems like we are all fucked up. This time I am self pitying again but whatever.

Spoiler

Thanks
I can agree that I have "social paranoia" of a kind.
Although I think it's been less paranoia than just realistically guarding myself throughout most of my life, and I don't have a full-blown kind of paranoia, or really a "real paranoia", I just have a deep feeling of not having been loved and that I'm not lovable originating in self-hatred and such fueled by i.e. a mother who clearly didn't mind throwing out ques about how imperfect I am and pointing excessively out that I got my genes from my dad, as well as never taking me seriously/not being able to stop laughing when I had concerns, blaming me for completely irrational things as a child (over long periods of time), etc.

And then I moved to the town which I currently reside which is full of [very] aggressive people (having lived in about 5 cities and gone to 6-7 different schools I'm lucky to be able to compare the different cities I've lived in - and this one is by far the worst of all of them).

And then I'm sort of Aspergers; my social skills aren't great (though my social intelligence might potentially be around average - just haven't had a chance to accumulate social knowledge and developing [good] strategies).

Oh, I remember the word that's been zumming in the back of my head now: I'm wary. You can say that it's a paranoia, but it's also real.
I think there's a proverb going, "Just Because You're Paranoid, Doesn't Mean They're Not Out to Get You".
And I think the word "paranoid" is abused so much in this context, as if it's supposed to imply that the person whose paranoid is delusional.
I think I'm paranoid without the delusions... So, yeah~~ just had to. clarify.. x) I've heard it's an INTP-thing to do?

Anyway, thanks for the kind words. (PS: It's still daytime at the moment, so I'm not full-blown depressed like I was yesterday night as of yet - but it'll come back as I stay up for longer ;D)

Maybe this will help:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGp25fn25Cs

Spoiler

First thing this video lead to was me realizing that 'Bruce Wayne' (Christian Bale) has exactly the same appearance/style that 'Patrick Bateman' (Bale playing a Malignant Narcissist/Narcissistic Psychopath) from American Psycho.
I never liked Bruce Wayne either (saw The Dark Knight before I saw American Psycho).. He seems to me like the bad guy who likes the glory of being the Good Guy Fighting Against Everyone Else for the sake of being "the Good Guy", sort of like America (all linked to Narcissism).
The Joker is the good guy gone crazy in my opinion. It's the good guy turned nihilistic and tired (and also crazy/malignant in this particular case).
Bruce Wayne ("The Good Guy") - Patrick Bateman (Narcissistic Psychopath)
[igauchex=260]http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/8600000/Bruce-Wayne-the-dark-knight-8602327-967-1450.jpg[/igauchex]
[idroitex=260]http://www.awesomelols.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/patrick-bateman-loves-lana-del-ray-american-psycho.jpg[/idroitex]

Now sorry for having skipping the point thus far; however I did watch the video 2 times now.
I didn't pay attention to everything, and I haven't watched Dark Knight Rises, so I guess I've lost some of the point, but I think what this guy is saying is mostly pretty coffee-psychology-like. Lots of stereotypes that applies to many people in depression, but this doesn't seem to address much more than just that to me.
Sounds to me that the gist of what he's saying is stuff like "you should try", "don't give up" - he even asks "so why not try?".. And it's mostly all about becoming normal. Except, he mentions, that those having been on the dark side/been through depression etc have more motivation, are better able to relate to people, etc - so, lucky us I guess.
Can't say that stuff helped me at least.
Should consider watching that movie, though.

"Just get friends, get a girlfriend, have alot of sex"
I think how he ends his video is pretty revealing, although not very articulate or precise.
He says something like "hopefully, if you're going through that, [...] what you're willing to do, ok?"
And indeed, that's the thing. You can always neglect something or other to get out.
I like what the director (or some other related guy) of the movie "Kon-tiki" said: "Success is usually paid for by other people and that's what this movie is about."
I honestly think that, Narcissism, is the narrative of success (in a Narcissistic society)... And that's why it's always taught in these circumstances.
And then because a Narcissistic Society is always right and everyone else are always wrong, then everyone who doesn't want or are able to be Narcissistic are bad, dark, evil.
While in reality the roles are reversed, portrayed in many of these popular movies nowadays, like The Dark Knight.
Supposedly The Thinker (The Joker) is the bad guy, just give him a scary smile and portray him as a violent psychopath and the role is set, and the Wealthy Guy (Bruce Wayne) is the good guy, just make it seem that he's fighting evil/the psychopath and that role is set.
In the real world the roles are very opposite.
I.e. CEOs of companies are 400% more likely to have full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

So... yeah... not a big fan of this portrayal. I'm side-tracking at quite extraordinary lengths here though, but I still think I made a point here, so - worth it.​

 

[joal0503]

random: god, manufacturing consent.... <3 chomsky

 

[Viqing]

random: god, manufacturing consent.... <3 chomsky

Spoiler

I first decided not to reply, trying not to spam (replying to short & relatively off-topic (definitively off-topic from OP's perspective) content).
But then I changed my mind: Yeah, Chomsky is awesome :P
Hard to follow sometimes, seeing that the nail on his little finger is more educated & knowledgeable than I am <_<.
Still he's one of my 3 intellectual heroes. (and since you're seemingly into psychedelics I should add that the 2 others are Robert Anton Wilson & Terence McKenna, although I must admit that McKenna is smuggled in onto the list, being so out there that he's more linguistically entertaining like a poet than really intellectually enlightening).
:smiley_emoticons_mr

 

[joal0503]

I first decided not to reply, trying not to spam (replying to short & relatively off-topic (definitively off-topic from OP's perspective) content).
But then I changed my mind: Yeah, Chomsky is awesome :P
Hard to follow sometimes, seeing that the nail on his little finger is more educated & knowledgeable than I am <_<.
Still he's one of my 3 intellectual heroes. (and since you're seemingly into psychedelics I should add that the 2 others are Robert Anton Wilson & Terence McKenna, although I must admit that McKenna is smuggled in onto the list, being so out there that he's more linguistically entertaining like a poet than really intellectually enlightening).
:smiley_emoticons_mr

I KNOW!

i was debating on it, but i figured if that dude was able to connect manufacturing consent into a suicide thread...i just HAD to say something

Mckenna was on a completely different plane when it came to psychedelics, but he seems to be able to connect the dots on a lot of the mystery that surrounds the subject...and although it can be a real bore/chore at times, ive always admired chomsky for the very thorough academic he is. Such a shame, people hear "chomsky" and react to the name, rather than his substance.

as far as wilson...im just hitting the tip of that iceberg

 

[The Lost One]

When did my thread become aggressive :<

 

[Duxwing]

When did my thread become aggressive :<

*sigh* 'Tis our way, to fight. I wish that we could be kinder.

-Duxwing

 

[Cavallier]

When did my thread become aggressive :<

I've split out jpc vs Viqing to it's own thread. They are now in a better setting for their bickering: Siberia.

 

[SammueeL]

I hope you're fine at this time!
everythings will be alright! just trust!
Make new friends, Find a woman!
Know people, but learn to do not give a fuck!
follow what makes you happy.