i just wnna fuking die

[Nofriends]

Always procrastinating, I always enter this state of helplessness, where all i am capable of is laying in bed, thinking...

i feel like such a fucking women, women are notorious for not being vocal about their issues, expecting the other individual to gain deep enough insight to see what is happening, that is just like me.

i am a misanthrope, whenever someone sets me a task it feels like it is insurmountable, and i just collapse... i am too busy carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders

the creating of children is cruel, people initiate the non aggression principle when some1 gets pregnant, i still believe i am existing in a simulation, i remember when i was 6 i went to the other side, i was in a dark green wet room with tall green statues staring at me
and i lay down in fear of what they might do, and when i awoke i freaked out and i knew i would never forget it..

wat is hapeningndgs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why am i so weak?

comfort breeds weakness

i shud be above the petty weaknesses of mankind!

y cannot i be better!>wfklasljdfalkj
i just wnna curdle in a ball and die but i cannot'
i know i am more enligthenewed!!WQ2e3
capable of more discipilene!!!

 

[Auburn]

hi Nofriends. i read up on your last few personal threads to try to get a sense of who you are and were you're coming from. ooph! quite the ordeal... o.o


first, ...i have to get some things out of the way. you're not as intellectually superior as you feel. and i don't mention that to be mean to you, but because it will prevent you from healing to hold that belief.

you are digging yourself into an intellectual hole. this is your strength, and while you appear to tackle this dimension earnestly... philosophically you just can't think your way out of all problems, as not all problems are conceptual or built to be healed via some realignment of your mental information architectures.

the mind/body is a complicated organism that the heady approach can't repair completely; whether in matters of motivation, meaning, affection/kinship or love.

and so there are thousands of people who know more than you in areas that count for your predicament; the study of the psyche, of emotions/connection, of human frailty/nature...

~
​

the second thing i wanna share is that you are projecting the problem. misanthropy and despair at human shotcomings/stupidity/weakness are classic markers of an inner deprivation and absent care of one's own human dimension.

it's not humanity that is so much in the wrong, as it is whatever holds you back from connecting meaningfully with it. blaming life and the world is honest, emotionally, but the problem won't go away by fixing the world's condition. first of all, it's near impossible...

it's a projection and defense, but right now, what you need to do is acknowledge that the problem is internal. turn your attention inward and truly ask yourself:

why do i feel life is as hard as it is?
what do i truly long to find?
what would make me feel happy with myself?
​

this thread seems to me a big first step, as you seem to be acknowledging human frailty within yourself. we all have it. but we need to be understanding of it and ourselves.

there is nothing wrong with showing weakness, even if it is to yourself. i hope to hear 'bout how your journey unravels.

 

[Rook]

It is not my purpose to give meaning to your life.

I do agree with comfort breeding weakness though, if not reigned in or balanced it does soften the will and the body.

 

[nanook]

yeah but what is the value of a strong will if it's only wearing down and denaturing human nature in favor of adaptation to an impossibly hostile environment, from which a comfort seeking nature would simply escape? i wouldn't mind such attitudes of extroversion (adaptation to environmental challenges) out of the mouth of estp and estj, but when (supposed but possibly mistyped) introverted intuitives talk like that, i hear a personality disorder talking, the voice of someone's parents, someone who failed to discover, accept and develop his own nature, who is of course entirely suicidal as a result of that inner conflict.

 

[Rook]

yeah but what is the value of a strong will if it's only wearing down and denaturing human nature in favor of adaptation to an impossibly hostile environment, from which a comfort seeking nature would simply escape?

I'm not presuming to speak for nofriends, but this is an interesting question to answer from my perspective.

I do not value a strong will per se(many do though), I merely value the will to do something and then do it, a moderate will? instead of a weak will. Gives instinctual pleasure to will and then to enact, even if failing personal expectations.

Depends on circumstances and so on, personally I prefer a balance and not complete comfort or complete 'suffering' (doing things that may harm, such as trekking through the bush or conversing with strangers etc. etc.)


I'm not facing the same struggles as OP though, so its up to him to determine what path to walk, after understanding what he defines as comfort and suffering.

 

[nanook]

the question is what depth of your mind is expressing it's will. sometimes will is merely weak because it's only the will of a fragment of the mind, not of it's dominant core or the totality of it. sometimes the whole mind is shallow and only weak because of that. sometimes a shallow mind manages to appear incredibly stubborn, due to plain ignorance. sometimes a very deep mind has a strong will and appears heroic.

for an introvert, his extroversion is just a fragment of his mind. it's his auxiliary or worse his shadow function. often introverts fail to respect their dominant function because society never granted it a willful expression. it has never learned to formulate a conscious will. this is a very common problem. seems especially obvious in IxxJ types. they try to live exactly as EXXJ types would. but can't pull it off. and for that they hate themselves with a passion. and call it depression. like it's an alien thing dropping from the sky. they have no clue what is happening.

a knowledge of stages of development is also needed to understand this situation fully.

auxiliary, shadow and dominant functions are typically vibing on different levels of development and the power or comprehensiveness of a will is not only relative to the level of a given external opportunity but can also be reduced through internal conflicts, that are not called for by the external situation, but are personal neurotic drama.

for instance conformistic setups (situations) call for my shadow function, because it vibes on this level. it's my social anxiety. my dominant or auxilliary functions have no contribution to make to a conformist setup, as they are on higher levels. so all of my will, relative to the setup comes from my social anxiety. i ought to conform proactively but conform only passively, as this is the character of a shadow, it only mirrors. i experience myself as weak willed. the dominant function only wants to get away from this setup. if i am not neurotic, i will allow that to happen. i will go. but if my auxiliary or shadow or tertiary have the habit of denying the will of my dominant, i will stay and suffer weakness.

now i may come into a rational setup. lets say my dominant and auxilliary functions are rational and vibe stongly with this opportunity. they have a contribution to make and do so proactively, because proactivity is the quality of a dominant function. now i experience myself as quite strong willed, possibly even as a leader of sorts. especially if i have no neurotic inhibitions coming from my other levels, represented by my tertiary or shadow. those may just shut up right now, because they only care about other levels. but sometimes they attempt to repress particular possibilities of the rational level, because of neurotic history, and thus intervene with the freedom of will of the dominant principle.

so, if someone pursues unwise goals, he creates his own suffering and being stubborn about it only makes it worse.

you are evolution, you are creative, creative action is part of your comfort zone! that's also where happiness comes from!

some suffering must only be endured in so far as there is always some external resistance and usually some internal neurotic conflict. exposing oneself to suffering does nothing to strengten or expand the comfort zone of creativity, or one's happiness. (but may help with plain survival or long term goals on occasion)

so the sane idea behind the stupid formulation "leave your comfort zone" is to conquer the suffering zone with one's comfort zone, to approach it with creativity or autonomy. to own it, to make it comfortable.

if you leave the comfort zone without such creative impulse you are immediately in the panic zone and nothing good comes from that, subjectively. you don't even learn something valuable. but again, it may help you objectively, with survival or other long term goals.

but this is just what the extroverted voices ask from us. be obedient. adapt to demands. don't procrastinate. do as told. toughen up. your subjective needs are irrelevant. happiness is for loosers, fucking hippies, tough people take cocaine and function!

creativity happens in the present moment. creativity is the birth of expanding comfort. with enough mania the stars are your new home, because with out you, who would bother to paint them in rainbow colors. they clearly need your support. the concept of procrastination can't be applied to creativity. but you can be lured out of the creative zone. this happens when some shadow alert demands you do follow an old uncreative protocol of adaptation. you get a writers block and find yourself addicted to reading a newspaper, because your brain thinks this helps you with adaptation to a dangerous environment full of russian invaders.

the appropriate context for the concept of procrastination is the opposite. when you are actually being creative and comfortable and you "know you ought" to read the newspaper, because you "need to know" about the approaching russians, but you are _afraid_ of learning about how close they already are. you seek comfort in the mania of the subjective self and avoid the depressive truths of the objective environment.

written from the perspective of an introvert. i find it hard to understand the happiness or depressions of extroverts. does it really make them happy to fuck with russians? it ought to, if their dominant is really their comfort zone.

 

[Nofriends]

hi Nofriends. i read up on your last few personal threads to try to get a sense of who you are and were you're coming from. ooph! quite the ordeal... o.o


first, ...i have to get some things out of the way. you're not as intellectually superior as you feel. and i don't mention that to be mean to you, but because it will prevent you from healing to hold that belief.

you are digging yourself into an intellectual hole. this is your strength, and while you appear to tackle this dimension earnestly... philosophically you just can't think your way out of all problems, as not all problems are conceptual or built to be healed via some realignment of your mental information architectures.

the mind/body is a complicated organism that the heady approach can't repair completely; whether in matters of motivation, meaning, affection/kinship or love.

and so there are thousands of people who know more than you in areas that count for your predicament; the study of the psyche, of emotions/connection, of human frailty/nature...

~
​

the second thing i wanna share is that you are projecting the problem. misanthropy and despair at human shotcomings/stupidity/weakness are classic markers of an inner deprivation and absent care of one's own human dimension.

it's not humanity that is so much in the wrong, as it is whatever holds you back from connecting meaningfully with it. blaming life and the world is honest, emotionally, but the problem won't go away by fixing the world's condition. first of all, it's near impossible...

it's a projection and defense, but right now, what you need to do is acknowledge that the problem is internal. turn your attention inward and truly ask yourself:

why do i feel life is as hard as it is?
what do i truly long to find?
what would make me feel happy with myself?
​

this thread seems to me a big first step, as you seem to be acknowledging human frailty within yourself. we all have it. but we need to be understanding of it and ourselves.

there is nothing wrong with showing weakness, even if it is to yourself. i hope to hear 'bout how your journey unravels.

this is not prima facie, onus probandi.

 

[TheManBeyond]

some suffering must only be endured in so far as there is always some external resistance and usually some internal neurotic conflict. exposing oneself to suffering does nothing to strengten or expand the comfort zone of creativity, or one's happiness. (but may help with plain survival or long term goals on occasion)

kind of disagree here with u tho
i like thrills, and even if i don't enjoy (in the strict sense of the word) so much the pain that might come from my decisions, there's some magical quality on it that i do enjoy and seek once a while, lets u take ground again, reset the system, and then prepare for the joy of the turning point: from suffering comes creativity, i see the whole new dark zone painting with glowing sparks of golden dragonflies, and rotten flowers everywhere and i'm able to enjoy travelling through such areas, u fully recover all your energy and passion, u can be alive once more, i like the idea of reincarnation

 

[Nofriends]

i feel so culturally detatched, yrs ago i would have been considered a weeaboo, fuck my culture!
the only reason i care about it is because the culture Muslims bring is far inferior!

 

[Sinny91]

Do as thou wilt is the whole of the law.

 

[TheAdditional1]

Hey everyone (Yes, that is in Tom Holland's Spider-man voice from Civil War. Hell fuckin yeah. Hey everyone. Hey. Hi.)


Nofriends - you look like you need to be a writer. I'm slowly developing and sporadically implementation the process of having small notebooks on me at all times, and writing down any and every semi-useful/substantial thought, issue and desire I have throughout the day, then going back and typing them up, and then organizing them into pertinent and functional orders/categories. Prerequisite items.


This really helps with uncluttering the mind - both of the thoughts and for getting rid of the overwhelming feeling of not having time to process all your thoughts. The words are out and not going anywhere, and with your mind at ease that the treasured thought won't fade into the abyss, you can focus more on what you're doing and where you are in the moment.

You can then pick it apart and organize it at your own leisurely pace - usually a great thing to do when actually implementing [y]our ideas is the hardest part. It's like little puzzles that are satisfying to put together but don't need to all be done at once.


All of that works for me as someone who is essentially a holistic coordinator on all levels and dimensions. Concrete problems, physical things to buy, projects to make & sell for fun, to save, and to afford said physical things to buy. Coordinations with professional networks that I want to plant seeds with, but need to to such and such and such before, while balancing the more time sensitive things just as well...it's a mixed clutter - notebook helps.

That said, I see you have some issues both with bridging the gap between thoughts and actions (me too), and with dealing with the world in all the crappiness and crappy inefficiencies that don't let us implement our thoughts into it more easily. It's to this that I say you could be a writer (and the above notebook stuff is how to help bridge the thoughts/action gap in a satisfyingly rewarding manner).


The thing about writing is that it makes all your thoughts relevant - however wild they are, they can become the new escapist law in your writer's world. You can dictate how you want things to be, you can say what you want and be more vocal about your issues the way you want to, without having to parry cumbersome outside and often ignorant dialogue. And then if it's printed, boom - you have something that's the epitome of productive. And it makes a statement, it helps the world understand you, it helps you reach those out there who feel the same way, and hey - it can make you money, which isn't too bad.

Writing can be a perfect outlet - and even if it's not a creative masterpiece, it's productive, and I think that general progress can be what keeps both you and I afloat and those monsters at bay.





The stimulation thing. Solipsism. I say forget about it entirely - at the end of the day, whether it's all truly real or not on a greater level doesn't really matter all too much, does it? On a purely functional basis, the current reality we're living in literally provides almost every stimulation we need - otherwise the need for that stimulation wouldn't exist. I say almost because yeah, there are still those dark little corners of our mind that don't quite seem to play into the system. But what do those dark little corners do for us, really? Like Auburn said,

"...philosophically you just can't think your way out of all problems, as not all problems are conceptual or built to be healed via some realignment of your mental information architectures." It's fine if you want to torture yourself a bit and don't mind the soul-numbing coldness. I for one already had enough existential crisis before college, and I'm mostly saving that part of my mind for when I'm about to leave this world and might as well go out crazy. But until then...

 

[EyeSeeCold]

Shh, just calm down, it's going to be okay.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

Yeah I get into the whole laying-in-bed-unable-to-get-up thing a lot.

I know I can get out of bed at any point, but the thoughts are mostly along the line of what's the fucking point.

Sometimes I come up with some new burst of motivation or variation on the meaning of life that gets me out of bed, sometimes it's a pull, either a craving for say tobacco/caffeine, or to see if anyone sent me a message online, or anything like that.

I'm naturally very self-motivated, however the environment I've been in, and more specifically how it interacted with myself through who I am - both at the time and generally, and what I have been through - has led me to have to... not so much turn off that ability, but direct it into more... quiet avenues...

 

[Sinny91]

See, I lay around a lot but I dont sit there thinking "whats the point"

I sit there thinking "I'll move soon" ... and before you know it, 8 hours have passed.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

See, I lay around a lot but I dont sit there thinking "whats the point"

I sit there thinking "I'll move soon" ... and before you know it, 8 hours have passed.

Well, if I'm stoned then that's how I am.

Usually I actually want a reason to get out of bed, but can't find one anywhere in my thoughts.

Sometimes I guess asking what the point is can just be a nice way to spend time for someone more philosophically minded.

 

[nanook]

i associate my bed with comfort seeking. even though i sleep without cover or pillow. but i get to relax. as long as i seek comfort, i am probably not really on the frequency of suicide. i may desire liberation from my false self nightmare. and bed's are the perfect place for waking up, symbolically speaking. for letting go anyways. my bed is for dreaming and lucid dreaming and for detoxing. i know, not very sexy.

 

[Artsu Tharaz]

i associate my bed with comfort seeking. even though i sleep without cover or pillow. but i get to relax. as long as i seek comfort, i am probably not really on the frequency of suicide. i may desire liberation from my false self nightmare. and bed's are the perfect place for waking up, symbolically speaking. for letting go anyways. my bed is for dreaming and lucid dreaming and for detoxing. i know, not very sexy.

How does it look when someone is on the frequency of suicide?

 

[nanook]

i wasn't talking about someone/anyone, just about me. i am not prone to being suicidal, but when i was, it wasn't some sort of lost purpose, but temporary bursts of intense self hate, which originated from demands that were introjected into me once, which i do not entertain in my normal life, but other people can sometimes bring it up. i can't even access this corner of my psyche right now. i may have posted about it once, though. when i process hate i tend to be agitated and might walk through town and well town has options ...

 

[nanook]

basically self hate is the idea that i "NEED" to BE something that i am not and can not become. it's essentially shame of what i am. shame is the perceived demand of other people. if you accept their reality then you may not dare to admit what you really are, meaning how you differ from what you ought to be. your false self may go as far as 'i am perfect' just to be on the safe side, apart from shame. you will end up shaming everyone else. suggesting they are inferior and everything they ever do is inferior to how you would have done it. this principle can be applied to various degrees of literal mindedness (hitler) or subtlety (most of everyone else, who has an ego, a sense of being special).

at the most abstract core, the drama of ego or SELF-hate is, that it "needs" to be something at all, meaning you will be given a name or number and be held accountable for your promises, you are asked to have so called "integrity" (the hell of capitalist business contracts), to do what you said you would do, meaning you have to produce a false self, instead of living in the moment and being honest about what you are capable of, what possibilities you see and what motivations seem appropriate to you, based on your understanding of a situation. this most abstract core is a hate of the TRUE SELF, evolution, absolute reality. this is underlying all egocentricity and creates a society of deliberate conmen who sell lies and are in denial about how they behavior is destructing everyone psychologically and the whole planet, ecologically. go sell your soul to a contract, mr integrity.

but narcissism is more special. it's a self-hate relative to a psychological self, meaning something pulled down into static time, something that can be comprehended as persona, that has imperfections, according to the needs of parents or society. such imperfections may be all forms of need, of sentience, of sensitivity. as this might bother parents who lack empathy or who have to deal with physical survival in war times and who have no inner calm to consider the subjective needs of a child, for attention and such. when a person chooses to remain perfect, to not learn/admit anything about themselves, that might subject them to a feeling of shame, the very first time they have a perception of what they are even like, which happens at age 5 or so, they will forever be stuck with a primitive intelligence that is turned outwards, towards proving objective achievements, they won't develop any reflective self awareness or any compassion for the subjective reality of other sentient beings, they will become hitler.

but when a part of us grows beyond the initial shame, and recognizes the truth about how objective performative self is not the whole reality and thus standard to itself, how there is a realm of subjectivity that may imply criteria for the worthiness of objective performance, they may be torn inside and end up considering suicide, if they can not seem to align their performance to such subjective criteria.

but if that part, that has grown beyond, is only a tiny crippled intuition without even it's own concept of moving on, the individual will still be too ashamed to admit the true nature of their inner conflict.

they will project their recognition of the possibility of subjective criteria on other people and reject it, by thinking it inferior, by demonizing it. such as narcissistic men think little of the needs of women, who must surely be witches and burn on a fire. they may reject their own libido as well and consider cutting off their penis, taking it as symbol for all libido, for the possibility of falling in love with a subject, a woman, so that libido won't ever undermine the absolute value of their military ambition (mein kampf) against weak humans, humans who have a subject, women, jews, religious people, gay people, people too "afraid" to kill other people when told to do so, by military command.

it's kinda beyond me how anyone, but a narcissist, could confuse this 5 year old tyranny of narcissism with existentialism.