I have difficulty starting conversations or keeping them going

[TheWanderer]

I always seem to freeze up or just can't think of anything to keep them moving. Most conversations seem inane to me anyway, but even in an itnresting oen I seem to run out of steam, or with my friends run ouf things to talk about. I've tried reading book sabout this and while I got better at making small talk, i never really learnt how to get deeper conversation or start a conversation, apart from passing the baton to the other guy.
Anyone else have this problem? How did you overcome it? Know any good books or articles that could help?

 

[Cogwulf]

Re: I have diffaculty starting conversations or keeping them going

Anyone else have this problem? How did you overcome it? Know any good books or articles that could help?

Yes. I haven't yet. None that I know of.

 

[nickgray]

Re: I have diffaculty starting conversations or keeping them going

Join the club It's an INTP forum, after all.

I stopped worrying about that some time ago, talking a lot just isn't in my nature. I still feel sort of uncomfortable sometimes, when the conversations abruptly stop, but for the most part - I am who I am, and I won't try to go with those "social norms" concerning the conversations.

 

[Nicholas A. A. E.]

Re: I have diffaculty starting conversations or keeping them going

Yeah, I would be fine socially if I could just reliably maintain conversation. If I knew I could do that, I wouldn't have any trouble starting them. Though, compared to some other folks on this forum, I might be thought socially very functional.

Asdf.

 

[preilemus]

Re: I have diffaculty starting conversations or keeping them going

lol. at least for me, my knee-jerk reaction to any comment directed at myself is to give closure. I am very uncomfortable when people approach me. a while ago this really hot girl said to me:

"Thats a really small iPod," referring to my nano.
"Yes, it is," was my response to that, and the conversation ended there.

I mulled it over for a bit, thinking of everything I could have said to continue that conversation: perhaps by giving my opinion of having a small ipod, maybe the history of the other types of ipods i have owned, or asking her if she had one, and maybe even evolving into a discussion of the actual content of the device...

the problem was that i didnt realise any of this until it was much too late. maybe by analyzing someones intentions for speaking to you while they are doing it can help? though ive got this thing where my brain shuts down in the presence of attractive females

 

[Claverhouse]

Not really. Although unapproachable as near as dammit, if people do talk, I talk back; rather too much alas... Probably since any mental stimulation is better than none.

It's usually easy --- since most people will agree, or in some of these instances be wholly offended --- if stuck, to steer the conversation to what a wasteful old fool Bushbama is; what evil rascals liberals are; what mentally derelict fossils conservatives are; and how most radicals are self-deluded fools.




Claverhouse

 

[Ombat]

A relatively easy thing you could do is try to make a comment about something you've observed about your surroundings. Or try to remember something you have in common with the person.

It's much easier to keep conversations going than starting them though, just ask a lot of questions and they'll start talking about themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themselves.

And to answer your first question, I can't start conversations to save my life.

 

[Beat Mango]

No shit, you're an INTP. Tips? Stop being one.

Actually I do have some tips, might post later.

 

[Zero]

Fuck you depressing assholes and your inability to adapt and grow. All you gotta do is fake "empathy".

INTP: *My head is where it's at*
Person: OMG a gang of clowns broke into my car and stole my shit. They left me this invitation to the county fair....
INTP: *Nothing this ass could say could be as interesting as my speculation. Therefore I didn't hear anything, but I saw his lips move therefore....* And how do you feel about that?
Person: God! This Sucks!
INTP: You're upset about this. It sucks <--empathy. I'm sorry <--sympathy.
Person: Do you think you could call the cops? I gotta find these clowns.
INTP: Clowns? How bizarre. *epiphany* Reality is bizarre.

If you really don't want to pay attention to someone just try to pay attention to their tones and their expressions. Just make the same expressions and if it sounds like a question you can be all, "Ugh, well... gee, I dunno. What do you think?"

If you keep putting the conversation back on the other person they'll go on and on and on. I've... not figured out a good way to escape...

Holy Shit, I just realized you're complaining about the fact you Can't KEEP a conversation going. OMG, suck it up, you lucky bastard.

 

[Vrecknidj]

I always seem to freeze up or just can't think of anything to keep them moving....

Sorry for asking, it might not seem relevant, but, if it weren't, I wouldn't ask. How old are you? (My advice, if I can dream up any, will probably be age specific.)

Dave

 

[Nicholas A. A. E.]

I have found that naked compassion makes a good substitute for empathy.

 

[Grove]

I've found that it helps to refer back to something the person as already said or has expressed an interest. This helps me more with conversations with coworkers more than it does with random people at social events/gatherings. For example, I know that the coworker I'm talking to gardens and will can some of the fruits and veggies she grows. Winter is coming on so if there is a lull in our conversation I ask her if/what she has canned lately. This is a win topic for us because she likes talking about her gardening activities; I like it because I get to store a little information away in the event I ever decide to grow/can anything. Bonus if she hands me some of her hot pepper jelly the next time she sees me!

So, yeah, if you can keep a mental roster of the people you are usually around and a few of their interests that you know something about or have a genuine interest in, you can come up with something to talk about. These types of conversations are more enjoyable for me because I can learn something about the person and about the thing we are discussing and it saves me from talking about the weather, the football team, or some other inane topic I really care nothing about.

 

[Aiss]

I used to be incapable of starting a conversation, or even keeping it going.

At some point I stopped caring.

Now I'm able to talk with people (both responding and initiating it), unless the person annoys me (like half of the people), in which case my replies would become monosyllabic and (hopefully) conversation would die.

I somehow doubt that any book could help with that.

 

[420MuNkEy]

The only way I have found to deal with small talk without faking interest is to comment on how trivial 'small talk' is. I've found that one of two things happen from this. Either the person engages you in a meaningful discussion about 'small talk' (rather than actually engaging in 'small talk'), or the person looks at you like you're insane and leaves you alone (which you should be used to by now if you're an INTP).

 

[Firehazard159]

Haha. My solution when I don't have a response to someone, is to walk away and go do something else. If they choose to continue to the conversation, I'll continue responding until I have nothing to respond with, and walk away again. Sometime, people talk just to talk at me, and I just sort of tune it out, and do what zero said. Emulate whatever they do to a small extent, and if I hear a question, tend to just answer I dunno.

I really don't care about conversations with most people, only those who interest me. Really pretty girls tend to shut my brain down though too : / I think I've been hit on a couple times and completely missed it. I'm not sure though, maybe that's just my ego talking.

 

[420MuNkEy]

I think I've been hit on a couple times and completely missed it. I'm not sure though, maybe that's just my ego talking.

You're not alone. I know this has happened to me quite a few times, as it has been pointed out to me by friends after the fact.

Oh well, INTP's in a relationship is almost a recipe for disaster imo.

 

[bluesquid]

NLP, is agood thing to study. If you learn about it, and practice it, you will be so busy you will say what you need to.

be funny. The only people really listened to with interest are funny people. You must know someone that you just naturally fall into joking around with? just act that way with everyone.

 

[kantor1003]

Recently I have just started saying what's on my mind. If someone asks me for example "hey, what's up?", depending on my mood I might answer something like "you know, I really don't know how to answer that question don't you have a more interesting question for me?:P how do you usually answer such questions? I have never got the hang on them" and it can go on from there. But yeah, it really depends on the person. If it is an interesting person this can turn into a discussion about social norms, small talk, etc. or he/she might answer "haha, your strange"..but it can easily build from there as well. And if it is a girl saying that, it can turn into a flirty conversation:P

But yeah, the thing is, just say what's on your mind. You might wander off making strange connections to far out topics...abusing logic to it's full extent but hey, most find it kinda funny and interesting. Instead of practicing making cliche conversation you should just open up more. From what I find we have interesting minds, don't we? with interesting thoughts.. why not just say them out loud when we are thinking it instead of keeping it away. Something I recently started doing, and it is working pretty well. Sometimes you'll have off days, but so does everyone.

 

[chloé]

The ideal situation is you find people to talk to who are enough on your same wavelength that this doesn't happen. But I'm sure you all know how rarely that occurs.

I guess I take one of two approaches when this happens ...


1 - Pretend. Just feed them what they want to hear, pretend you're interested in what they're interested in, mirror their body language and thought-language. I mean I know how horribly dishonest that is, but you aren't going to be able to genuinely connect. Right?

2 - Just be awkward, silent, or moody and it usually repels them and you don't have to deal with it.


That said ... now I'm kind of realizing what a cop-out mentality it is. I suppose it would be better to try and actually learn how to be a good conversationalist. But then again, I hate small-talk. I have to either make it fun or end it.

 

[roby]

There's always something to say, and remember silence isn't a bad thing. We've all met quite people or maybe you are one yourself. It's usually just a lack of confidence, once that barrier is torn down slightly you'll have no problems running a conversation.

And the reason I say slightly is because most people don't know what true confidence is like, staring at a giant snake for one thing. Instead of freezing up on the spot. Just please don't ever end up being one of those "Social phobia" people. All they do is whine & complain, cause that's easier then building up a shred of confidence.

Off topic now so I'll stop, lol. =]

 

[Beat Mango]

@kantor: I do that too, on occasion. It's hit and miss, some people are freaked out by it.

 

[kantor1003]

@kantor: I do that too, on occasion. It's hit and miss, some people are freaked out by it.

I haven't met anyone yet that got really freaked out as far as I can tell. Maybe I have been lucky this far... It depends on the people I meet though, wether I engage this mode or not.