Hypocrite

[Ex-User (12972)]

If I'm going to be completely honest, I have a slight
superiority complex. Which is completely ridiculous, as I know quite well that it's
by no means earned. So did my father and that was part of him grooming and manipulating me:
to isolate and alienate me from my peers and make me feel [falsely] like I was some special little snowflake.

That's why I feel like a hypocrite sometimes.
"Am I actually intelligent?" I wonder. I'm afraid to believe anything else
because my father ingrained in me that that is really the only thing that matters.
Again, not true. But I'm still trying to recover from all the brain-washing.

But then again, how exactly do I define "intelligence"?

I still define it as my father defined it:

An uncanny ability to pick up information (not memorization),
to use mathematic-logical reasoning,
critically think, exercise verbal-linguistic comprehension strategies while reading, etc.
Evidently, I often fail to recognize, or rather completely forget, that there are multiple intelligences,
rather than just two exclusively.

The sooner I accept that I will never meet my father's expectations, the better off I will be.

But it's difficult for one to accept that they're living a lie:
a fantasy induced by a defense mechanism used to protect
themselves because they'll break if they accept the truth.

So. To clarify and possibly sound redundant, I have been living a lie and virtually everything I am was programmed by my father, not by me, I was just [for the most part] a ragdoll he could manipulate, use, and ingrain within me false ideas and beliefs similar to his in such a fashion that I would feel alienated and as though he was the only person who understood me. Everything I've stood for, everything I've been so vehemently passionate about was just a part of my father's experiment and it worked. Without him I am completely lost and vulnerable. And he knows it damn well. I have been living a lie, everything I believed in is a lie, a great many of my values are a lie, I am a lie.

 

[Black Rose]

I told someone. I had to become small because I lost all purpose and becoming small was the only way to survive without ceasing to exist.

An unrelated person told me I need to be myself. I believe him, I am tired of being small and helpless and weak.

I actually study intelligence as a hobby. Some time ago I would cry sometimes because I thought I was stupid. I could not handle being alone anymore and I became small.

If you are nothing without your father. You are still you with you. You are the tiny thing inside you that the Truth cannot break. You are You.

 

[Jennywocky]

If I'm going to be completely honest, I have a slight
superiority complex. Which is completely ridiculous, as I know quite well that it's
by no means earned. So did my father and that was part of him grooming and manipulating me:
to isolate and alienate me from my peers and make me feel [falsely] like I was some special little snowflake.

That's why I feel like a hypocrite sometimes.
"Am I actually intelligent?" I wonder. I'm afraid to believe anything else
because my father ingrained in me that that is really the only thing that matters.
Again, not true. But I'm still trying to recover from all the brain-washing.

But then again, how exactly do I define "intelligence"?

I still define it as my father defined it:

An uncanny ability to pick up information (not memorization),
to use mathematic-logical reasoning,
critically think, exercise verbal-linguistic comprehension strategies while reading, etc.
Evidently, I often fail to recognize, or rather completely forget, that there are multiple intelligences,
rather than just two exclusively.

The sooner I accept that I will never meet my father's expectations, the better off I will be.

But it's difficult for one to accept that they're living a lie:
a fantasy induced by a defense mechanism used to protect
themselves because they'll break if they accept the truth.

So. To clarify and possibly sound redundant, I have been living a lie and virtually everything I am was programmed by my father, not by me, I was just [for the most part] a ragdoll he could manipulate, use, and ingrain within me false ideas and beliefs similar to his in such a fashion that I would feel alienated and as though he was the only person who understood me. Everything I've stood for, everything I've been so vehemently passionate about was just a part of my father's experiment and it worked. Without him I am completely lost and vulnerable. And he knows it damn well. I have been living a lie, everything I believed in is a lie, a great many of my values are a lie, I am a lie.

'eff him.

All children have to break away from their parents' dreams for them and become their own individuals. Some parents make this easy (and take pains to equip more than manipulate), other parents are downright destructive.

You are walking a road everyone walks, even if their fathers were not as manipulative. You now see what your life has been. This is the Great Razing. Now you walk out of the ashes, bare and unprotected, into the rain. This is your Moment of Rebirth.

Maybe some of that stuff your father told you that you were IS stuff that you actually are. Some of that stuff is not. And some of that stuff includes things you might not be sure about either way. But you get to try things on, play around, decide what you truly think, and then lay claim to an ever-growing awareness of your own identity. It can be a lifelong process, but this is the square that says "GO." When you no longer react to your dad (either to reject or embrace his wishes, but just viewing it as information), then you are finally drawing your own conclusions.

Intelligence is not a constant quality; as you note, it's typically contextual and categorical, and your physical condition can impact how well your mind functions... and in the end, happiness and success in life can make use of it but is not embodied by it per se.

What do you personally believe in? Do you know yet? If not, here's a chance to explore.

 

[QuickTwist]

For what it's worth, everyone's this way to some extent. They may not be able to point to the perpetrator and say "It it you" because it's usually society, and it is because for most people it is less manipulative and more a natural mapping into one's psyche.

Everyone wears a mask to some extent. The goal is not to get rid of the mask entirely but to learn when it is appropriate to use the mask to some useful purpose.

Jung talked a lot about this sort of thing.. If you want to learn more about how we all have these personas and what it means to be effective using them, I suggest reading Jung.

You father sounds like he has some serious dark triad shit going on. If I were you I would try and get the hell away from him as fast as possible. And keep in mind the first step you take away from your father, you will feel completely helpless because the structure that you depended on is gone. But if you stay the course, then eventually things will get better, I guarantee it.

 

[elliptoid]

Hmm interesting way to feel about your life.

There's lots a person could say but are you familiar with the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts?