How to overcome lifelong conditioning(???)

[SOLNKS]

I am facing a mid-life crisis. For the first time, I find myself fully free and responsible to provide my own support. Yet beholden to the needs of aging parents, and the schedule of a single mother; in a region of very limited career opportunity.

Until my divorce three and a half years ago, I always took on "the next best thing" instead of focusing on my own passions. Mom didn't have money for college, so I commuted from home and took out student loans. While there, I met my husband, who had two small children, and became an insta-mom. I graduated college, and one month later gave birth to our daughter. In a home with three children, and a teacher/coach husband, a new designer's income potential vs. scheduling availability was not realistically feasible, so I stayed home and babysat. Then opened a bakery from home, then became a preschool teacher, etc. Since the divorce and moving back to my home town (close to my mother) life is very much the same. Only now, instead of being alone with my husband's paycheck, I'm alone without it.

Upon moving to my current location, I was offered a job working in our local school district. This lasted for two and a half years, until life's circumstances caught up with me. My second job was a bigger time commitment than planned, and an unruly employee went too far. I was in charge, so I was held responsible. That was a year ago. Since then, the only jobs I'm offered (with realistic income potential) involve commissioned sales. I find myself very capable of passing tests, excelling through training, only to flop when it comes to asking for the sale. I've lost my nerve, and seemingly my mind.

I need to recapture the intelligent, tenacious, leader that I was born to be. The little girl who's preschool teachers evaluated as good natured, helpful, highly intelligent; but bossy, bossy, bossy! Not this scared person who hides from the world. A world carefully cultivated out of doing what is best for the family. A world I despise, and at the same time, fear for it's dissolution. My child and my family need me in this place. I'm not young anymore though. How much devotion is enough? Where is my place, and how do I find it? And even if I secure employment elsewhere, there is the issue of selling my house, my daughter's school, my parents.... All things I'm not equipped to deal with right now.
Ugh!!! I'm one big ol' hot mess after another!

 

[QuickTwist]

Don't get down on yourself is rule #1. Rule #2 is being proactive about life choices and seeing things through until the end. Rule #3 is don't get stressed out on things that are beyond your control.

That said, I know where you are coming from. I've dealt with how you are feeling most of my life. I never feel adequate, I never have confidence and on top of that I am afraid of failure. I do however don't stress out about things that out out of my control - only, to a fault. I had a $600 monitor go out on me about a month and a half ago and I can't say I was upset in the slightest about it. That shit don't make sense unless you are already so run down that you can't even be bothered by something that would upset any normal individual.

My advice: be happy you can work because I can't. I have started a stopped higher level education way too many times and all I get out of it is more debt. I have been diagnosed with a mental illness that occurs in .3% of the population. I have both psychotic symptoms as well as mania and depression. The only reason I am still alive is because I made a choice not to commit suicide until a certain point in my life. I feel utterly hopeless with things. I can't even bother to shower on a daily basis. Trust me you don't have it that bad. Just be assertive with you life and everything will fall into place.

Best of luck.

 

[Jennywocky]

Those kinds of transitions can be hard. And while money seems like such a coarse thing to fret over, unfortunately modern living makes some amount of it a necessity, especially when you have kids.

So did you get full custody of your daughter? And your husband took custody of his two bio-sons? Are there any concerns related to kid(s) that would hinder your exploration and/or relocation?

What is your degree in? Some kind of design work? It sounds like you've had a very diverse work background simply out of necessity, even if none of it was in the area of your studies.

Sales are a bitch. Some people thrive in that atmosphere (my dad, an ESTP, ended up in sales for much of his later career and was good at least at networking); personally, I'd find it harrowing. I'd rather construct the ad campaigns and let others do sales. Anyway, just saying it's not odd to hear that someone can ace the book test and training courses, then be adverse to "closing the deal." For me, I'm an informative type and don't enjoy putting on the pressure to force decisions, it feels like a violation of autonomy; I do much better as the "Consumer Reports" person to cogently evaluate a list of competing products, provide information, and let someone make up their own mind. (tl;dr: Maybe it's not that you are "weak" in some way but that it just doesn't sit well with your personality style.)

As far as problems go:

1. Solve one thing at a time, instead of trying to multitask all these big tasks. (Yes, a steady linear approach versus a multi-front blitz approach will help you out here.)

2. Break all the problems down into smaller chunks, so that they become manageable and solveable. (Your "world scope" approach is probably crushing you under the weight of it.)

3. It's not bad to feel a connection to your family and want to help them. The problem is that you feel as if it has for too long been a compromise, where it was either "what you wanted" or "what your family needed." And if you've picked your family too often, you can feel as if you have been losing yourself and your own future, even if you care about your family. You'll need to aim for somewhere in the middle. Again, small steps rather than "either/or." Carve out small blocks of time/effort for yourself, small periods that are "you" moments. It can even be for seemingly stupid stuff, but as long as it gives you a feeling that you've gotten bit of your life and "you" back, it is still valuable.

I don't know all the specifics of your parents' situation or what your daughter needs, or what your finances are, so I cannot address those things directly. Yes, some parts of your life were taken and/or you gave them away at an earlier age, and you might not have the same list of options that you had when you were younger. But you can still find a range of options that will provide some of what you need, and then you go from there, incrementally.

You also might feel as if you have lost yourself, but you haven't. "You" are still in there somewhere. You just need to find a way to feel like you have a voice and some volition again. Judging yourself will just up the pressure and make it harder for you to make changes. Again, small steps...

 

[Grayman]

Are there any union jobs that are available for you? They are pretty much all there is without a degree when it come to decent income. That or a government/utility job. Work for the post office maybe... Or UPS... Garbage truck driver...

 

[SOLNKS]

Thank you for your reply. To answer a few questions: the state where I live grants joint custody to parents, unless extenuating circumstances exist (such as documented abuse or criminal charges). It is a truly flawed system. He and I now live an hour apart, so my daughter stays with me primarily during the school year, and he gets more time during summer, and holidays. He is a coach, and chooses to participate in year round activities, so I definitely end up with the majority of our daughter's time. As for my two step daughters, they were 16 and 18 when we split. They attend college, and are doing well. I keep a close eye on them, but rarely have the chance to see them in person. It's getting easier, but at the time of our split, dad was a real obstacle. He made them choose. I moved away from their home town, so of course I lost out.
When I refer to my parents, I'm speaking of my mother and grandmother. Upon moving back to my hometown, I was able to purchase a small home, which happens to be 3 blocks due west of my Grandmother's. I literally live within earshot, hahaha! This lack of distance makes autonomy rather difficult, but I'm trying very hard to establish boundaries (no matter the increasing resistance received from my mother).
I realize how lucky I am to be loved by such wonderful people. I really do. I must sound terribly spoiled and selfish to be unhappy, when so many have no one. I feel alone though. Almost always...
I just need to learn how to be me. I'll get there. Thank you for shining your light of perspective.

 

[SOLNKS]

Thanks for the suggestions! I have looked into postal employment. I have downloaded the civil service exam, and need to certify. Idk what's stopping me. I need a kick in the butt sometimes.

 

[SOLNKS]

Thank you for your reply. You're right! Things are not that bad. I get caught up in the details, until I end up blowing the big picture. I know that I need to get out of my own head. I've just put up, and bottled it all, because I run my life like an ER. Someone ALWAYS has an emergency, you know? I learned very early in life to be a fixer. My mom was and is queen of the panic attack. To most people I appear too low key, or apathetic. This couldn't be further from the truth however. That's why I'm working hard to learn to set boundaries. My time and needs are just as valuable as anyone else's. It's not easy to relearn everything you've ever known, especially in the presence of those who taught you. I've been surrounded by narcissists for literally my entire life. Now it's time to show them that I am a person of value, who is worthy of respect.