How to develop your Fe? I'm scared being to straight forward is pushing people away

[Drvladivostok]

Its been a lingering problem for me in a social context, I'm 21 Years old and all my life people have been telling me how rude, abbrasive, and argumentive of a person I am, and at this point I'm afraid it might be a detrimental problem for my future, the friends I have, my acquantance, and even my family said I ought to be more diplomatic in the way I speak and present myself.

its not that I'm socially retarded, I can be socially fluent when needed and diplomatic when I take the efort to do so, but understanding people's emotion is like an active sonar-you have to activate it-to hear the ping. The problem it seem is that I look at emotion of others in an almost purely utilitarian way, if I can benefit from a person feeling good that I will get out of my way to try to make it happen (like being diplomatic to my boss), if I don't see the point how someone negative perception of my image by other people can affect me (for example calling out someone's dumb argument), then I won't bother. To make it simple I automatically categorize people to 3; 1) People/occurance that are significant and require the Fe rader to be tuned on; talking to my boss, 2) People that care about but can be straight with like Friends and Family 3) Redpill mode when being emotionally tuned have no significant advantage.

However this method have a flaw; I only see people's emotional utility in a surface and direct level, never the deeper possibility, I can't know if a person might like me on first glance only to be dissuaded by my rudeness behaviour of my Redpill mode (God that sounds cringy as fuck), so I might lose potential friend and love interest because I don't treat everyone with equal emotional consideration (I do respect people, that's why I'm honest to them), and there's nothing I'm afraid more than being a genetic failure and have no spouse in the end of my life because of my rudeness (Fuck that sounds even cringy-er).

Is this a problem for you guys? I'm curious how older INTPs get over to develop their Fe and be less of jerk to people.

 

[Hadoblado]

People tend to round out as they age, so you'll get better, but how you approach it now will dictate how much better you get.

Rudeness won't be fatal to your interests, but it will be detrimental to them.

When you say redpill mode, do you mean in the initial truth-seeking matrix sense, or the PUA mens movement sense? Both are cringe but different flavours of cringe.

I think for social stuff, it's good to approach it like virtue ethics or body-building. You build the version of yourself that's more suited to your social environment (as opposed to reacting directly to your environment). The difference is, the stuff that is hard becomes easy because you change your natural approach, rather than constantly being tempted toward your currently established inclinations.

I still struggle in a number of ways in my mid-thirties. I'm not engaged by small-talk, I'm stubborn, I make too many edgy jokes, and I'm argumentative. I'm not really interested in changing these attributes, I just see them as limitations I have to work around. So I've developed in other ways - I'm authentic, I'm an active listener, and I choose my battles.

 

[birdsnestfern]

First its about empathic listening and second, only put yourself in social situations when you are able to empathize if possible.
Build energy and build boundaries in order to contain that energy. To contain it, use protective shields to what you don't want, and YET, realize everything is an extension of your reality, so improve on your own reality and listen well to what it tells you.

Try meditation.

Build life into DREAMS of your own and others with stories and actions and feelings. Find out what matters to you and give yourself time and then share whatever really matters to you naturally.

Other mindsets to try:
See that you are just an extension of everything and they are an extension of you. -the we are one concept.
Put an imaginary mirror on the inside of your mind to take an inner look at what you are reflecting outwards and fine tune that to what you want to reflect to the world.

Conquer your desires so that you don't want anything from others - except honest communication or genuine soul experiences they are having in their own buddha like light.
See exchanges as what you can do to help uplift your little world and its experiences.

Focus your effect to help and bring light love, truth

The world is always going to be horrendous place, but you can chose to take whatever love you can find from it and give that hope back, because what we are is like a transmuter of energy in our higher forms. We can see most of it is a 'test' in a way and take and filter out the bad emotion and alchemy it into a lighter emotion. So, in any stage of whatever emotion there is, if you can transform hell into heaven you will start to be an alchemist of life.

Breathe into your own heart. Feel a ONE feeling thought at a time, such as forgiveness, softness, lightness, joy or gratefulness or expansiveness or contractiveness and boundaries if needed.
Feel or sense your five senses with eyes closed.
Ask your heart things and listen to its experiences.

Now, realize that your left and right brains do this: One side - the thinking side wants to keep you where you are and not change anything, because its fearful of new things and thats all it knows. The other side, the creative side, is your 'reality creating' side, and it does not need to have proof of anything, its a literal reality creator. Ie, its what your thoughts and experiences are creating to make you experience your reality right now. Its consciousness in a way. So, if that side programs your beliefs, they work for you if your thinking side steps out of the way and softens up. Therefore, spend time designing what you want to be and stepping out of your way and staying in soft mode, keep going through those steps, design, believe, soften, get out of the way, be. Do it for a month every day and you will be that new self.

A ritual you can set every morning for example and before bed. First know what you want, write it down or tape yourself and play it back twice daily, morning and night for six weeks saying something like: I deeply want to expand my consciousness to love myself and others.

HOW you say things makes a huge difference and whether you say them. For example, only share things that REALLY bother you if you believe something needs to change. Tell people how it made YOU feel and don't tell them what was wrong about it. For example, hey, that wasn't nice, it made me such and such instead of YOU are doing it WRONG. It will put defenses up when you blame. It will only share your experience if you say how YOU feel and leave the blame out of it. In other words, tell them what effect they had on you so they have a chance to transform themselves too. People might not know what effects they are having on others, so just pick the things that REALLY matter to you. Arguing is ok in certain settings like philosophical viewpoints, or politics. At home, usually the goal is to have ONE front or one common goal, that is, make life at home pleasant and like a retreat against the world. The ideal family life is to feel like it shares all the secrets of health, happiness, longetivity and everyone in your family super informed of its superior health and happiness to live long happy lives and interact in optimally loving ways.

Ie, usually you act in the way you want to encourage from others, ie, get on board with delivering a kiss to build a dream on and serving it up if thats what you want more of.
Give what you most want to get.

And look for books on interpersonal communication. What you are communicating with your appearance, your reactions, and take a movie of yourself speaking so you can see how you come off to others. Invite others to tell you how you come off and what you should do differently too.

 

[scorpiomover]

Its been a lingering problem for me in a social context, I'm 21 Years old and all my life people have been telling me how rude, abbrasive, and argumentive of a person I am, and at this point I'm afraid it might be a detrimental problem for my future, the friends I have, my acquantance, and even my family said I ought to be more diplomatic in the way I speak and present myself.

Then clearly you believe that it's affecting you.

its not that I'm socially retarded, I can be socially fluent when needed and diplomatic when I take the efort to do so, but understanding people's emotion is like an active sonar-you have to activate it-to hear the ping. The problem it seem is that I look at emotion of others in an almost purely utilitarian way, if I can benefit from a person feeling good that I will get out of my way to try to make it happen (like being diplomatic to my boss), if I don't see the point how someone negative perception of my image by other people can affect me (for example calling out someone's dumb argument), then I won't bother.

Clearly you are acting about category #3 of people as if acting like that towards them is NOT affecting you. You say it's a problem. But you're just not acting on it, which is what makes it continue to be a problem. Act on it.

To make it simple I automatically categorize people to 3; 1) People/occurance that are significant and require the Fe rader to be tuned on; talking to my boss, 2) People that care about but can be straight with like Friends and Family 3) Redpill mode when being emotionally tuned have no significant advantage.

However this method have a flaw; I only see people's emotional utility in a surface and direct level, never the deeper possibility, I can't know if a person might like me on first glance only to be dissuaded by my rudeness behaviour of my Redpill mode (God that sounds cringy as fuck), so I might lose potential friend and love interest because I don't treat everyone with equal emotional consideration (I do respect people, that's why I'm honest to them),

Einstein said that you should try to simplify things as much as possible, but not when you lose understanding by doing so. Sounds like you probably need more categories, e.g.
1) Boss, etc
2) Family, friends, etc
3) Potential bosses, potential girlfriends, etc
4) Strangers

and there's nothing I'm afraid more than being a genetic failure and have no spouse in the end of my life because of my rudeness (Fuck that sounds even cringy-er).

1) If you want to get a job, you have to write a nice CV and keep sending it out to employers. If you want to get a girlfriend, you have to write a nice dating profile and keep messaging women and talking to them, till you get a girlfriend.

2) If it's not happening fast enough, you have to contact more per week, until you can see the progression is happening in a way that will achieve your goal by your deadline.

3) You have to keep your mind on the goal, and not get distracted. You might find it interesting to learn something new. But if your aim is to get a job, then that's just going to take up time that you need to spend writing your CV, contacting companies and going on interviews. So you have to keep an eye on the time. If a girl is all chat but doesn't want to take it further, then she'd make a great friend. But you're looking for a girlfriend. So introduce her to your social circle, and get back to finding a girlfriend.

Getting a job and getting a girlfriend are different. But they're both goals that give you a lot of regular benefits, where you have lots of potential employers/women who might hire/date you. So there's a lot that is similar, and so a lot of the reasons why people don't have a girlfriend, also apply to them not having a job. But often people think "but they're different" and so don't apply the logic that does apply due to the similarities that do exist.

Is this a problem for you guys? I'm curious how older INTPs get over to develop their Fe and be less of jerk to people.

Lots of courses. Lots of therapy. Still in progress. It's a lifelong goal of self-improvement.

 

[onesteptwostep]

Here, what makes you happy? I think that's a start. Being 'empathetic' isn't something you really develop, it's more about caring for people from deep within yourself. If you want to develop that, you have to be more kinder and free to your own self too.

I'm not really a firm believer in the MBTI anymore so I'm not even sure whether I'm INTP, but I would say that my life circumstance had made me incredibly empathetic. It wasn't age that made me this way, life pounded at me like a ton of bricks so I understood what difficulty and pain were.

It might be a intrusive question, but did you move around a lot as a child? I think that sort of upbringing really creates anxiety that disallows for a more sociable character. Personally, I struggled with this until my late twenties and came to realize how much of a debilitating experience I had as a child growing up.

So anyway, you're free to open up as much as you like. What makes you happy? Or how was your upbringing? Or what situations make you feel the way you feel in the OP?

 

[Drvladivostok]

Here, what makes you happy? I think that's a start. Being 'empathetic' isn't something you really develop, it's more about caring for people from deep within yourself. If you want to develop that, you have to be more kinder and free to your own self too.

I think the fundumental problem on how I treat other people is that I wanna be treated in a same manner of non-bullshit comunication style, I technically apply the golden rule, but I'm very hard on mysef and have high expectations and I expect other people to do the same thing so I treat them that way.

I value people's emotion, but I think its not particularly important compared to solving a problem or finding the truth, I learned that emotions can be a double edged sword if you don't compartementalize them, and I see when people use emotion as a shield to not face the truth it just makes me kind of irritated.

but I would say that my life circumstance had made me incredibly empathetic. It wasn't age that made me this way, life pounded at me like a ton of bricks so I understood what difficulty and pain were.

I don't know but I find it very hard to just be 'compassionate' without any qualification, good intentions doesn't equate good result, if you saw like a starving person your compassionate reaction would be to chug food down his throat without realizing you'd destroy his stomach.

but did you move around a lot as a child? I think that sort of upbringing really creates anxiety that disallows for a more sociable character. Personally, I struggled with this until my late twenties and came to realize how much of a debilitating experience I had as a child growing up.

Yup, I moved like 10 times before I was 16, I moved like lots of time in Kindergarten, I moved like 3 times on grade school, 3 times on middle school, before I was 16 I had only like 2 frends, but I can't contact them, My dad's a bureaucrat so he moved around alot. I wouldn't say I was terribly socialized it just have me little incentives to wanna socialize since I never saw anything particularly interesting in doing it. Looking back it was that I never reached a point where socializing becomes enjoyable until I was in college.

So anyway, you're free to open up as much as you like. What makes you happy? Or how was your upbringing? Or what situations make you feel the way you feel in the OP?

I'm not sure, a million things make me happy; I get a kick from being right, but I think in the future what would fills me with content would be to find a person that understand me.

 

[onesteptwostep]

I think this might sound like a stretch to you, but try asking your parents about attending therapy or counseling sessions. I think talking about your childhood and your emotions helps you process the state that you're in so you can move on and deal with things in your current life with some better clarity. I don't know enough about society in Indonesia, but I would assume Jakarta would have some functions and groups who are in the same situation as yours. I think a keyword that might help you is "TCK" or third culture kid. A TCK is basically someone who has a widely different culture background from their parents, which could relate to your own background.

I grew up in Japan, the US and Korea, and moved constantly, about once per year. It's funny but I've actually been in two different colleges as well.

If you have the money I don't think asking your parents about it is a problem. You can probably book a session for like once a week. An idea that I have is, try asking your college's psychology department if they can point to a counselor, or just to the school's counselor in general. I think asking your parents is up to you though, from what I've read about you on this forum you seem to have a job and can take it on your own. I hope this helps! Think about it for a week or so.