nanook
a scream in a vortex
how old are you, mate? ur not allowed to nick yourself before 65 or so, unless severely sick, physically.
its summer (on my side of the planet). go for a walk in the park and read robert satlzmans books first. the 10 thousand things and depending on no thing.
according to this thread your mind has become infected with a dysfunctional ideology about how your mind works, how you can attain happiness. you tried to fix yourself, change yourself, beat yourself into submission. these are actually all expressions of self hate, promising improvements but never, ever delivering them.
its a mistake that is made collectively, because we live in capitalism, which is a paradigm that hates human nature, for the purpose of enslaving it, towards growth of economy and redistribution of wealth.
people are not aware of this, when they resonate with a certain ideology (of self help), that does not have anything like capitalism written on the label. when they parrot it, convincing you that its a genuine deal. its after the fact fabulation, when people speak as if "they made it", they "changed themselves". the label of the ideology may be buddhism or psychotherapy, anything. you'r being sold water by the river and its poisonous. its infested with self hate.
you just need to understand what self acceptance means. then you will see that there are other options, to escape the discomfort in your physical situation, if there is any such discomfort, if its not all just the self-hate in your mind, that terrorizes you - in the latter case, the suffering falls away instantly.
these other options have been censored before, by your rigid ideas, on how you ought to operate, to get better. this unconscious censorship is what i call self hate.
its unconscious because you dont even spell out like "i must not do, what the obvious right thing to do is, because .... whatever stupid reason" instead you just tell yourself: "i know i need to do this other thing, EOF", which, however, cannot be done at all, in most cases or is counterproductive.
by the way, i understand your level of social anxiety. mine used to be as bad or worse and its a tricky subject. i have zero problems with having a clear mind, because i have stopped, fucking my mind up, with such silly ideas, from the ballpark of (unconscious) self-hate. hoping to control myself: what a joke. it cant be done.
a corner of my mind is blissed out now, even while i am trolled by several femnazis, who accuse me, mostly falsely, of misogyny (some critzism is factually true tho, doesnt matter). it's cool, because i dont try to change what is happening. i have learned to accept what is.
i am not afraid of my own feelings, including objectively justified anxieties, that certainly will come up, when dangerous, insane animals attack me.
this is what awakening is. its not some mystical shit. "knowledge of god", my ass. such are lies, to lead you on, make you feel incomplete, hate yourself, yearn for more, suck some gurus dick. at best it's misguided metaphors.
i am reading some of your posts. holy cow, are you a sucker for authorities, misguiding you! i always wonder how people can be like this, addicted to the fame of academia. trust in psychologists, psychiatry, reductionist neuroscience, knowing jack shit about the psyche.
misplaced trust in authorities may be a symptom of certain forms of "autism" (which are actually typological variations).
cheese is a verry social person. he cant imagine what "autism" is like.
similarly, others here are highly gifted and can learn new things, as grown ups and so they advise you, to try this too, but it seems misplaced advice, in so far, as you seem to fail and hate the results.
your autism isnt just a symptom of neurotic thought processes, or anxieties as cheese called it. your autism is a lack of particular skills, probably a huge lack. your social skills were probably stuck at a kindergarten level, as are mine!
this is who you are and no reason to hate yourself. you have to live for your own enjoyment, stop expecting impossible things of yourself.
you dont need friends and a career, you just need a skateboard or similar basic stuff, something you CAN enjoy, without becoming someone else, which is impossible.
then you have to deal with surival too. after accepting yourself, without keeping up a total lie = the appearance of being a normal person, you can do anything that needs to be done, materially, in the way you can do it, regardless of how many other people are upset by it or laugh at you.
this sentence of chese was right on: "It's not autism that'll definitely make your life suck - it's your anxiety. It's making it so you're unable to do anything" your anxiety is your idealism, preventing you from doing what fails to be ideal, but would work for your true self, not for your stupid idealism. you need to accept your autistic limitations and do things the autistic way, which is your way.
"you start to build up a bank of 'good experiences', you'll be surprised at how many of the arguments drop away" - not quite, you wont have good experiences. you are autistic, so people hate you. you accidentally step on their toes. you just accept that, and THIS is whats ending your inner arguments.
if you dont believe in your thoughts as being objective reality tho, which you won't quite, ever again, after realizing how terrible misguided you were for all of this time of chasing a false self, chances are good, that the way you step on peoples toes will be a bit more light weight and consequences may be less intense. but this is not even essential.
all you have to loose is that absolute lie: that you could possibly figure out how to control yourself and become who you think you want to be: someone else, entirely. you're just doing this to please imaginary friends, your parents, etc. fuck them, four your proud ideals inherited from your father of whatever. most of those people dont even exist. aren't ever going to be your friends. your proud does nothing for you.
happiness is not to be found in a relationship of approval, with these imaginary ghosts, nor in imaginary superiority, in the form of proud. zap out of this delusion.
if you have distant facebook friends, who do nothing for you, but like some inauthentic shit you post: consider deleting them or similar. stop making yourself popular with appearances. its a deadly addiction to self hate, pretentiousness.
meditation is boring as fuck. never meditate for a reason. just chill, when you feel like it. try non-addictive psychedelic drugs or go skateboarding (it shuts the mind off), etc. yes, you have to focus on your body and anything else, that arises, give it all the time, dont try to push it away, while its there but only then. do everything more slowly, for a while, so you can notice, what comes up. so you integrate body and mind, if that is still the problem. dont try to focus on something that doesnt come up, all by itself. none of this shit is important tho.
i highly doubt that what cheese says about how he controls his mind, in so much detail, is even true. its probably a narrative, a fabulation. but either way, its his meditation and not yours. even if he is right. none of this applies to you or 99% of people.
normal mortals can only change their general believes, in response to a dialogue, book or experience.
people who promote meditation MAY have an iq of 160 and need to fucking understand, that they confuse the hell out of ordinary mortals, who will waste a lifetime, trying to imitate some experience, that is not possible, with their neurology. its useless either way. self-acceptance is all that is needed for the liberation from false self terror.
the rest is just life, with ups and downs, regardless of how smart or stupid someone is. its a baseline quality. its okay. nobody has a better or worse life, from a psychological point of view, once false self is out of the window.
obviously there is physical suffering, associated with poverty. i cannot help with this. i wonder if stealing is an option when all else fails.
otherwise, the "size" of our false self is what determines extra suffering.
its just a bunch of believes.
AK: "What is it that most takes away your anxiety, use that as the focus object. Listen to the object that brings clarity to allow the tension in the amygdala to settle into that object."
louie: "God damn, you know thinking about it I really don't know"
No, man, i bet he doens't. He is typically totally lost in imagination. Its a a dreamlife he has, he dreams of knowing something about whatever, his amygdala. These are his dreams. I have had dreams of my own, but they can never be repeated. They have no significance to you.
Most meditation teachers are actually schizophrenics, not super smart people with extraordinary self awareness, rather people with an extraordinary drive to dream, while being physically awake.
Its absurd, but people hope to imitate their psychological defense mechanism, which is escapism into a fantasy world. Of course dreaming is relaxing, avoiding conflicts of rationality and feeling. You may as well mastrubate tho. As you sayid yourself, your self ideology (you call it anxiety) comes back to your mind, onces its well relaxed.
I havent read your first super long post yet, sorry.
I read stuff like "That's no way to live."
Thats all i have to know. Your problem is just unconcious self hate, by means of false self / ideal.
Consider that i am as or more autistic than you, but couldn't be further from being suicidal. I have leukemia and "fight hard" for my survival.
You want "An ideal relationship, traveling, taking charge of hobbies, ones that I'm aware of and others that I've yet to discover, and maintaining inner peace (which comes strongly from imagination contrasted with reality)."
horeshit. inner peace comes exclusively from accepting, what is. all the delusional escape artists are deeply disturbed, nevertheless. only, its episodic for them. you are one of them, so lack of imagination is not your problem. you imagine you have tools to change yourself. creating those ideas of tools is an example of much escapist imagination. its not true, so you cannot find peace with how you are. does a dog have a bad time? no imagination, there.
i have zero of what you think makes live good. i do skate, but its not a hobby. its just a stimulating exercise like jogging. i am not fit enough to skate for tricks, to make it a hobby. i just push around and end up with torn muscles anyway. i have no social contacts at all. none. havent had any, with short interruptions. visited a self help group, occasionally. i enjoy living.
"I have different values and am more future-oriented than some people.
this is just hypothesis, dont get worked up over it, if its wrong:
If that is true, about above average future orientation, and you sure sound like it, you are INTJ, who are covert narcissists, who are experts at hating themselves, in favor of pointless (philosophically misguided) power trips. In this case its harder for you, to accept yourself, because you have more false believes about human nature and quality of life, than i ever had. There are nevertheless INTJ who are mostly awake tho, one of those is called zen bitchslap (youtube).
i will put links to the two guys i mentioned. by the way, reading more from you, i would later change my idea on your type, but its not at all relevant.
i still hope that i can improve myself, but this is not a condition for enjoying my life. its a game i would be willing to play, if i had some excess energy that doesnt need to go into cancer research. it would sure be fine, if i were to discover individuals, who understand me well enough, to send me in the right direction, with experiments. its fun to try new things, when they seem like decent ideas. its absolutely not something i need to have. do 90 year old people commit suicide, if they are physically well? nope. they enjoy every day. like me, they have absolutely nothing to look forward to, as far as they know. walking around the block is totally good enough, for a person, who is not filled with self hate. what does a dog do? goes around the block, on a fucking leash. not different from social anxiety. typically they are okay with it.
I cant save you and i wont feel guilty if you have an angry reaction to my words and it makes you feel worse and contributes to your decision. I have no control, so why feel guilty? I cant know if these words work for you or dont. It seems way to self-deprecating to not share them now, that my whole being was fully motivated to type them out. I gave very good advice to a fem nazis yesterday and she took it the wrong way and attacked me an we are both in pain now. But realy the mistake is not going all the way to the end, with arguments like this. Its just a fear of self.
INTP https://www.facebook.com/robert.saltzman
INTJ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh_C52GReAWsMggLrvqQdUw
if my typing skills are correct.
i may not even be INTP myself, i still wonder about definitions and stuff.
shizoid ISFP, ISTP? doesnt matter tho.
man, i am so riled up about the autism subject. this paradigm is so full of shit. i want to go to full on war about it, youtube channel and all, attack the worldviews of believers of psychiatry. but war stresses me so much, that i am not certain, i can even survive my leukemia or how it affects the rest of my ego, which i have no intention of hiding, by the way. being awake is not a 100% thing. it applies to a certain moment, or a certain choice, not to a person as a whole. war would be fun tho. not sure what i will end up doing, as always in life, energetic coincidences will lead my way.
im am trying to take in your first post, in so far my chemo brain allows. skimming.
"An unbalanced type. This is what I believe autism to be."
exactly, man. thats what it is. radical introversion, of any of the eight introverted types.
so simple. how can they get it so wrong? i know how. their types are radicalized too! extroverted thinking is all these academics can do. we aren' the only unbalanced people on the block, man! the narcissism of neurologists (assumption of representing ideal health) may be another hiding place of your self-hate, if you believe you are the only imbalanced kid.
you are much less demented that me, while writing all of this in 2014.
" I can't relate to other people in regards to content about myself. Or I'd just be like "Duhhh, hey! Does anyone like the color blue??? I saw a funny youtube video earlier!" like a dunce, without elaborating further. "
haha, i know, its hopeless. an inauthentic attempt at talking with the wrong people for not good reason. inauthenticity kills all creativity. just trying to conform with the expectations of others is impossible. we dont know these expectations well enough and that is true for most non autistic people too, certainly for all introverts.
our fear/false self causes us to be miles away from acting authentically. walk up to a person and say what actually comes to mind? hey, girl, do you know your mbti type? never! and so we cant talk to people at all. you dont have to invent a false self to protect yourself from doing bad mistakes, tho.
"Back to the social anxiety and related issues. I'm a pretty skeptical person. Extraverted iNtuition, not confident, just fucking crazy -- whatever you want to call it, I always second guess myself and often evaluate every angle of an issue."
you sort of do sound more like an INTP here. perhaps the future orientation thing is a misunderstanding.
"Part of me sometimes feels like it's not because of my circumstances, but because of Autism. Then the anxiety deepens. I go into this paranoid-esque state of mind. Every time I make a mistake, and not just socially, every goddamn time I make a notable mistake, I automatically link it to 'is it autism?'"
Well, your nature is your circumstance, so yes, it is because of your nature, regardless of what it is. That is true for every mistake anyone makes. The problem here is the absolute self hate, communicated by the paradigm of narcissistic psychiatry (promoting idealized normal false selves to society) and you sucking up to that paradigm.
If the mistake is because of you, your nature, this means, that you can accept the mistake, because your only job in life is to accept and serve your nature. You are not here to serve society, psychiatry and their stupid ass narcissistic ideals. If the mistake teaches you, that you cant do a certain thing, its your job to not try this again and accept this.
If the mistake is not because of your nature, well it might have been a coincidence or something, no worries there. Try again and you may succeed. What is it? Its sometimes hard to know, but usually, we know.
Either way, none of those are a reason for hard feelings.
Mistakes can evoke natural anxiety tho. Can be dangerous.
See, anxiety is your friend, it protects you.
Only a false self distorts the way, it works for you, cause now you are just afraid of losing your false self, instead of fearing the objective consequences of mistakes.
...
Ah, so i see you had your first conscious "awakening from society experience" already.
But societies comes in levels and there are many more to awaken from.
None of them serve people like us.
If i ever were to find a person like myself, my dementia might prevent me from dialoguing with them. It might be too many fucking words. I am disrespectfully skipping, skimming, assuming i know where the other person is at, etc. Cant be helped tho. Dementia too must be accepted, like what they call autism (radical introversion and major traces of my shizoid defense mechanism).
reading on...
Oh, fuck, there it is. You hate yourself in the name of your father. If only you had not been that autistic, he would still be around and well. To do what for you? See you suicide, stand at your grave and hate himself for inspiring your self-hate?
That father's subject is heavy. Man, he was just a human, a biological machine, trailing down the path of entropy. You most likely inherited much of your limitations from him. If anything he is responsible for your sorry ass existence. Kids try to control their parents somehow but are way in over their heads.
"I mean, it is my life -- why is it selfish to be in complete control of it?"
Right, this is a nut i haven't cracked myself. But its all psychology. Self-acceptance runs deeper than that. I accept myself, whether i own my life or whether its owned by commandments of my slave keeper. This is most essential! Because its part of my nature, my mistake, that i cant figure out, what is truly good, obedience to superego expectations of obedience to my ego expectations. And as i say: in the case of any mistake of mine, my only job is to accept it. I am not in control in my intelligence. Its okay if i dont know.
"that if I do have Autism, and if it prevents me from reaching a positive platform in my life where my values are reached, then why the fuck should I keep living?"
you know, just saying, i went through the same self hate once. i was afraid of having Aspergers and what kept me from hating my life, at that time, was hope that it would become better. now i still dont know for sure, if it can or cant get a little better, but if so, i thing it gets better in unexpected ways only. and the heart of any betterment is self-acceptance at any moment. i just have a better understanding of the root of suffering, after having suffered a few more years. this changed my value system, so to say. i see my limitations more clearly now, because i hate them less, so i dont avoid experiencing them as much.
i have some issues that are worse than yours. i am stupid and have some questionable ideas (paranoid exaggerations?) that stopped me from doing things, that i would have been capable of, that would have been worth the trouble. i was boycotting capitalism, meaning jobs, like a lunatic. you are probably in a better place than me, financially, more hopeful, towards creating comfort for yourself. i mean i am forty and cannot take care of myself at all. its kind of scary. i have leukemia, i have a chemo behind me, my mother died, i live in a house with a psychotic father, which i hate, who may turn demented soon. i am potentially insane, in terms of hating authorities and society too much to cooperate with them, when i need help. its going to be a fun ride to hell and i will enjoy every minute of being alive, man! i may nick myself, when physical pain or dementia becomes too scary. not because of self hate tho.
accept life as it is or cling on to useless ideals and kill yourself? i don't even suggest there is free will, for a choice like this. i just hope that you have it in yourself, somehow, to admit how silly ideals are, based on your experience of failing to live up to them, every time.
its summer (on my side of the planet). go for a walk in the park and read robert satlzmans books first. the 10 thousand things and depending on no thing.
according to this thread your mind has become infected with a dysfunctional ideology about how your mind works, how you can attain happiness. you tried to fix yourself, change yourself, beat yourself into submission. these are actually all expressions of self hate, promising improvements but never, ever delivering them.
its a mistake that is made collectively, because we live in capitalism, which is a paradigm that hates human nature, for the purpose of enslaving it, towards growth of economy and redistribution of wealth.
people are not aware of this, when they resonate with a certain ideology (of self help), that does not have anything like capitalism written on the label. when they parrot it, convincing you that its a genuine deal. its after the fact fabulation, when people speak as if "they made it", they "changed themselves". the label of the ideology may be buddhism or psychotherapy, anything. you'r being sold water by the river and its poisonous. its infested with self hate.
you just need to understand what self acceptance means. then you will see that there are other options, to escape the discomfort in your physical situation, if there is any such discomfort, if its not all just the self-hate in your mind, that terrorizes you - in the latter case, the suffering falls away instantly.
these other options have been censored before, by your rigid ideas, on how you ought to operate, to get better. this unconscious censorship is what i call self hate.
its unconscious because you dont even spell out like "i must not do, what the obvious right thing to do is, because .... whatever stupid reason" instead you just tell yourself: "i know i need to do this other thing, EOF", which, however, cannot be done at all, in most cases or is counterproductive.
by the way, i understand your level of social anxiety. mine used to be as bad or worse and its a tricky subject. i have zero problems with having a clear mind, because i have stopped, fucking my mind up, with such silly ideas, from the ballpark of (unconscious) self-hate. hoping to control myself: what a joke. it cant be done.
a corner of my mind is blissed out now, even while i am trolled by several femnazis, who accuse me, mostly falsely, of misogyny (some critzism is factually true tho, doesnt matter). it's cool, because i dont try to change what is happening. i have learned to accept what is.
i am not afraid of my own feelings, including objectively justified anxieties, that certainly will come up, when dangerous, insane animals attack me.
this is what awakening is. its not some mystical shit. "knowledge of god", my ass. such are lies, to lead you on, make you feel incomplete, hate yourself, yearn for more, suck some gurus dick. at best it's misguided metaphors.
i am reading some of your posts. holy cow, are you a sucker for authorities, misguiding you! i always wonder how people can be like this, addicted to the fame of academia. trust in psychologists, psychiatry, reductionist neuroscience, knowing jack shit about the psyche.
misplaced trust in authorities may be a symptom of certain forms of "autism" (which are actually typological variations).
cheese is a verry social person. he cant imagine what "autism" is like.
similarly, others here are highly gifted and can learn new things, as grown ups and so they advise you, to try this too, but it seems misplaced advice, in so far, as you seem to fail and hate the results.
your autism isnt just a symptom of neurotic thought processes, or anxieties as cheese called it. your autism is a lack of particular skills, probably a huge lack. your social skills were probably stuck at a kindergarten level, as are mine!
this is who you are and no reason to hate yourself. you have to live for your own enjoyment, stop expecting impossible things of yourself.
you dont need friends and a career, you just need a skateboard or similar basic stuff, something you CAN enjoy, without becoming someone else, which is impossible.
then you have to deal with surival too. after accepting yourself, without keeping up a total lie = the appearance of being a normal person, you can do anything that needs to be done, materially, in the way you can do it, regardless of how many other people are upset by it or laugh at you.
this sentence of chese was right on: "It's not autism that'll definitely make your life suck - it's your anxiety. It's making it so you're unable to do anything" your anxiety is your idealism, preventing you from doing what fails to be ideal, but would work for your true self, not for your stupid idealism. you need to accept your autistic limitations and do things the autistic way, which is your way.
"you start to build up a bank of 'good experiences', you'll be surprised at how many of the arguments drop away" - not quite, you wont have good experiences. you are autistic, so people hate you. you accidentally step on their toes. you just accept that, and THIS is whats ending your inner arguments.
if you dont believe in your thoughts as being objective reality tho, which you won't quite, ever again, after realizing how terrible misguided you were for all of this time of chasing a false self, chances are good, that the way you step on peoples toes will be a bit more light weight and consequences may be less intense. but this is not even essential.
all you have to loose is that absolute lie: that you could possibly figure out how to control yourself and become who you think you want to be: someone else, entirely. you're just doing this to please imaginary friends, your parents, etc. fuck them, four your proud ideals inherited from your father of whatever. most of those people dont even exist. aren't ever going to be your friends. your proud does nothing for you.
happiness is not to be found in a relationship of approval, with these imaginary ghosts, nor in imaginary superiority, in the form of proud. zap out of this delusion.
if you have distant facebook friends, who do nothing for you, but like some inauthentic shit you post: consider deleting them or similar. stop making yourself popular with appearances. its a deadly addiction to self hate, pretentiousness.
meditation is boring as fuck. never meditate for a reason. just chill, when you feel like it. try non-addictive psychedelic drugs or go skateboarding (it shuts the mind off), etc. yes, you have to focus on your body and anything else, that arises, give it all the time, dont try to push it away, while its there but only then. do everything more slowly, for a while, so you can notice, what comes up. so you integrate body and mind, if that is still the problem. dont try to focus on something that doesnt come up, all by itself. none of this shit is important tho.
i highly doubt that what cheese says about how he controls his mind, in so much detail, is even true. its probably a narrative, a fabulation. but either way, its his meditation and not yours. even if he is right. none of this applies to you or 99% of people.
normal mortals can only change their general believes, in response to a dialogue, book or experience.
people who promote meditation MAY have an iq of 160 and need to fucking understand, that they confuse the hell out of ordinary mortals, who will waste a lifetime, trying to imitate some experience, that is not possible, with their neurology. its useless either way. self-acceptance is all that is needed for the liberation from false self terror.
the rest is just life, with ups and downs, regardless of how smart or stupid someone is. its a baseline quality. its okay. nobody has a better or worse life, from a psychological point of view, once false self is out of the window.
obviously there is physical suffering, associated with poverty. i cannot help with this. i wonder if stealing is an option when all else fails.
otherwise, the "size" of our false self is what determines extra suffering.
its just a bunch of believes.
AK: "What is it that most takes away your anxiety, use that as the focus object. Listen to the object that brings clarity to allow the tension in the amygdala to settle into that object."
louie: "God damn, you know thinking about it I really don't know"
No, man, i bet he doens't. He is typically totally lost in imagination. Its a a dreamlife he has, he dreams of knowing something about whatever, his amygdala. These are his dreams. I have had dreams of my own, but they can never be repeated. They have no significance to you.
Most meditation teachers are actually schizophrenics, not super smart people with extraordinary self awareness, rather people with an extraordinary drive to dream, while being physically awake.
Its absurd, but people hope to imitate their psychological defense mechanism, which is escapism into a fantasy world. Of course dreaming is relaxing, avoiding conflicts of rationality and feeling. You may as well mastrubate tho. As you sayid yourself, your self ideology (you call it anxiety) comes back to your mind, onces its well relaxed.
I havent read your first super long post yet, sorry.
I read stuff like "That's no way to live."
Thats all i have to know. Your problem is just unconcious self hate, by means of false self / ideal.
Consider that i am as or more autistic than you, but couldn't be further from being suicidal. I have leukemia and "fight hard" for my survival.
You want "An ideal relationship, traveling, taking charge of hobbies, ones that I'm aware of and others that I've yet to discover, and maintaining inner peace (which comes strongly from imagination contrasted with reality)."
horeshit. inner peace comes exclusively from accepting, what is. all the delusional escape artists are deeply disturbed, nevertheless. only, its episodic for them. you are one of them, so lack of imagination is not your problem. you imagine you have tools to change yourself. creating those ideas of tools is an example of much escapist imagination. its not true, so you cannot find peace with how you are. does a dog have a bad time? no imagination, there.
i have zero of what you think makes live good. i do skate, but its not a hobby. its just a stimulating exercise like jogging. i am not fit enough to skate for tricks, to make it a hobby. i just push around and end up with torn muscles anyway. i have no social contacts at all. none. havent had any, with short interruptions. visited a self help group, occasionally. i enjoy living.
"I have different values and am more future-oriented than some people.
this is just hypothesis, dont get worked up over it, if its wrong:
If that is true, about above average future orientation, and you sure sound like it, you are INTJ, who are covert narcissists, who are experts at hating themselves, in favor of pointless (philosophically misguided) power trips. In this case its harder for you, to accept yourself, because you have more false believes about human nature and quality of life, than i ever had. There are nevertheless INTJ who are mostly awake tho, one of those is called zen bitchslap (youtube).
i will put links to the two guys i mentioned. by the way, reading more from you, i would later change my idea on your type, but its not at all relevant.
i still hope that i can improve myself, but this is not a condition for enjoying my life. its a game i would be willing to play, if i had some excess energy that doesnt need to go into cancer research. it would sure be fine, if i were to discover individuals, who understand me well enough, to send me in the right direction, with experiments. its fun to try new things, when they seem like decent ideas. its absolutely not something i need to have. do 90 year old people commit suicide, if they are physically well? nope. they enjoy every day. like me, they have absolutely nothing to look forward to, as far as they know. walking around the block is totally good enough, for a person, who is not filled with self hate. what does a dog do? goes around the block, on a fucking leash. not different from social anxiety. typically they are okay with it.
I cant save you and i wont feel guilty if you have an angry reaction to my words and it makes you feel worse and contributes to your decision. I have no control, so why feel guilty? I cant know if these words work for you or dont. It seems way to self-deprecating to not share them now, that my whole being was fully motivated to type them out. I gave very good advice to a fem nazis yesterday and she took it the wrong way and attacked me an we are both in pain now. But realy the mistake is not going all the way to the end, with arguments like this. Its just a fear of self.
INTP https://www.facebook.com/robert.saltzman
INTJ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh_C52GReAWsMggLrvqQdUw
if my typing skills are correct.
i may not even be INTP myself, i still wonder about definitions and stuff.
shizoid ISFP, ISTP? doesnt matter tho.
man, i am so riled up about the autism subject. this paradigm is so full of shit. i want to go to full on war about it, youtube channel and all, attack the worldviews of believers of psychiatry. but war stresses me so much, that i am not certain, i can even survive my leukemia or how it affects the rest of my ego, which i have no intention of hiding, by the way. being awake is not a 100% thing. it applies to a certain moment, or a certain choice, not to a person as a whole. war would be fun tho. not sure what i will end up doing, as always in life, energetic coincidences will lead my way.
im am trying to take in your first post, in so far my chemo brain allows. skimming.
"An unbalanced type. This is what I believe autism to be."
exactly, man. thats what it is. radical introversion, of any of the eight introverted types.
so simple. how can they get it so wrong? i know how. their types are radicalized too! extroverted thinking is all these academics can do. we aren' the only unbalanced people on the block, man! the narcissism of neurologists (assumption of representing ideal health) may be another hiding place of your self-hate, if you believe you are the only imbalanced kid.
you are much less demented that me, while writing all of this in 2014.
" I can't relate to other people in regards to content about myself. Or I'd just be like "Duhhh, hey! Does anyone like the color blue??? I saw a funny youtube video earlier!" like a dunce, without elaborating further. "
haha, i know, its hopeless. an inauthentic attempt at talking with the wrong people for not good reason. inauthenticity kills all creativity. just trying to conform with the expectations of others is impossible. we dont know these expectations well enough and that is true for most non autistic people too, certainly for all introverts.
our fear/false self causes us to be miles away from acting authentically. walk up to a person and say what actually comes to mind? hey, girl, do you know your mbti type? never! and so we cant talk to people at all. you dont have to invent a false self to protect yourself from doing bad mistakes, tho.
"Back to the social anxiety and related issues. I'm a pretty skeptical person. Extraverted iNtuition, not confident, just fucking crazy -- whatever you want to call it, I always second guess myself and often evaluate every angle of an issue."
you sort of do sound more like an INTP here. perhaps the future orientation thing is a misunderstanding.
"Part of me sometimes feels like it's not because of my circumstances, but because of Autism. Then the anxiety deepens. I go into this paranoid-esque state of mind. Every time I make a mistake, and not just socially, every goddamn time I make a notable mistake, I automatically link it to 'is it autism?'"
Well, your nature is your circumstance, so yes, it is because of your nature, regardless of what it is. That is true for every mistake anyone makes. The problem here is the absolute self hate, communicated by the paradigm of narcissistic psychiatry (promoting idealized normal false selves to society) and you sucking up to that paradigm.
If the mistake is because of you, your nature, this means, that you can accept the mistake, because your only job in life is to accept and serve your nature. You are not here to serve society, psychiatry and their stupid ass narcissistic ideals. If the mistake teaches you, that you cant do a certain thing, its your job to not try this again and accept this.
If the mistake is not because of your nature, well it might have been a coincidence or something, no worries there. Try again and you may succeed. What is it? Its sometimes hard to know, but usually, we know.
Either way, none of those are a reason for hard feelings.
Mistakes can evoke natural anxiety tho. Can be dangerous.
See, anxiety is your friend, it protects you.
Only a false self distorts the way, it works for you, cause now you are just afraid of losing your false self, instead of fearing the objective consequences of mistakes.
...
Ah, so i see you had your first conscious "awakening from society experience" already.
But societies comes in levels and there are many more to awaken from.
None of them serve people like us.
If i ever were to find a person like myself, my dementia might prevent me from dialoguing with them. It might be too many fucking words. I am disrespectfully skipping, skimming, assuming i know where the other person is at, etc. Cant be helped tho. Dementia too must be accepted, like what they call autism (radical introversion and major traces of my shizoid defense mechanism).
reading on...
Oh, fuck, there it is. You hate yourself in the name of your father. If only you had not been that autistic, he would still be around and well. To do what for you? See you suicide, stand at your grave and hate himself for inspiring your self-hate?
That father's subject is heavy. Man, he was just a human, a biological machine, trailing down the path of entropy. You most likely inherited much of your limitations from him. If anything he is responsible for your sorry ass existence. Kids try to control their parents somehow but are way in over their heads.
"I mean, it is my life -- why is it selfish to be in complete control of it?"
Right, this is a nut i haven't cracked myself. But its all psychology. Self-acceptance runs deeper than that. I accept myself, whether i own my life or whether its owned by commandments of my slave keeper. This is most essential! Because its part of my nature, my mistake, that i cant figure out, what is truly good, obedience to superego expectations of obedience to my ego expectations. And as i say: in the case of any mistake of mine, my only job is to accept it. I am not in control in my intelligence. Its okay if i dont know.
"that if I do have Autism, and if it prevents me from reaching a positive platform in my life where my values are reached, then why the fuck should I keep living?"
you know, just saying, i went through the same self hate once. i was afraid of having Aspergers and what kept me from hating my life, at that time, was hope that it would become better. now i still dont know for sure, if it can or cant get a little better, but if so, i thing it gets better in unexpected ways only. and the heart of any betterment is self-acceptance at any moment. i just have a better understanding of the root of suffering, after having suffered a few more years. this changed my value system, so to say. i see my limitations more clearly now, because i hate them less, so i dont avoid experiencing them as much.
i have some issues that are worse than yours. i am stupid and have some questionable ideas (paranoid exaggerations?) that stopped me from doing things, that i would have been capable of, that would have been worth the trouble. i was boycotting capitalism, meaning jobs, like a lunatic. you are probably in a better place than me, financially, more hopeful, towards creating comfort for yourself. i mean i am forty and cannot take care of myself at all. its kind of scary. i have leukemia, i have a chemo behind me, my mother died, i live in a house with a psychotic father, which i hate, who may turn demented soon. i am potentially insane, in terms of hating authorities and society too much to cooperate with them, when i need help. its going to be a fun ride to hell and i will enjoy every minute of being alive, man! i may nick myself, when physical pain or dementia becomes too scary. not because of self hate tho.
accept life as it is or cling on to useless ideals and kill yourself? i don't even suggest there is free will, for a choice like this. i just hope that you have it in yourself, somehow, to admit how silly ideals are, based on your experience of failing to live up to them, every time.
