How severe are the thoughts in my head? (contemplating suicide and other junk)

[louiesgonnadie]

I have probably solidified myself as the "Attention Whore of INTPf" since I realized I post a lot of threads on here that are pointless. Though shit has been bugging me. I did try posting on a suicide forum. I signed up, confirmed the email link, and my account didn't even get accepted, I assume, since I couldn't log in after a week. I posted on the SuicideWatch subreddit, and I got no replies. Then I remembered I've got some good advice here in the past, and you all are rather objective and can have out-of-the box viewpoints. So I'm posting here, looking for some insightful input. (Though, I'm probably not INTP.)

This all might sound stupid, but I've come to a realization over the past month or two that has pieced itself together. Bad timing, because I'm trying to get the basic components of my life together right now, and with these thoughts roaming around in my head, of course I get distracted. Because I have to analyze them, and let them sink in. This realization stems from a part of myself that is purely metaphysical and cannot change. This realization could lead to putting myself in danger.

I do NOT have a strict suicide plan in place right now. It is not meticulous. Nor will I likely act out on impulse when in a very depressive phase. I do have a huge dilemma here and very negative feelings about it, and if I come to a conclusion that I just cannot get to a point where I never am confident enough in myself (which is probably the biggest contributor to my success) and feel like I just don't want anything to do with life anymore because of my certainty that this dilemma is impairing me enough to reach my goals, I'm done. I may very well end my life. You could say "Oh, you can just search for new goals!" Well, that's not fucking easy when your feelings are attached to your goals that were spawned by themselves, your feelings. I can't change my feelings. I've tried, but they always persist, or pop back up. Therefore, my goals persist, no matter how much I suppress them. In that case, a part of me will always feel empty. That probably equals: unhappiness, dissatisfaction, confusion, not feeling like I am remaining true to myself or who I want to be, frustration, 'faking it' and forcing myself to put on a mask and suit that does not manifest authentically, which in itself, leads to being unable to fullfill the goals I could give a rats ass about, etc. Some life that would be, huh. Oh it's cool, I'll just associate myself with other shit just for the sake of living, even though I'm not associating myself with what I WANT TO BE DOING IN THE LONG RUN and I KNOW I'M UNABLE TO!!! That sure works for an existential nihilist! The list goes on. (short version: feelings fucking suck, dude!)

(long version) The dilemma: Asperger's Syndrome, or mild Autism Spectrum Disorder as it is called now. I was diagnosed with this when I was five years old due to multiple sensory, emotional, and behavioral issues I was experiencing which ultimately made me somewhat dysfunctional, enough to be placed into special education. Then, after several mood fluctuations, fond childhood memories, a fucked up situation where my father became a deadbeat and got addicted to pills while abusing myself and my family, homelessness, living with a stranger in his home for 3 years, missing school for those three years because of all of that bullshit, and post-bullshit failing to catch up on schoolwork whilst battling depression, anxiety, near-agoraphobia and paranoia, while graduating this past summer feeling like I accomplished nothing, I started reflecting on my past. During this period of say, 6 or 7 years, I observed a lot of social patterns (mainly via the internet) with (I think) mostly unconscious effort. I became consciously aware of the fact that I did have a personality, and I should manipulate it as best as I should. I don't remember ever having to consciously train myself to notice or pay attention to facial expressions, body language, or gestures - one day, I think it just clicked. Long story short, I feel like recognizing social patterns have come naturally, in ways that an "aspie" may have trouble with. I mentioned that I was dXed with it a couple of times but was unsure, and people (that actually knew about it) didn't think I exhibited an Aspie flair. One person, who knew many "aspies" personally was so confident I didn't have it, he seemed to think I was utterly crazy for even thinking I did. So this boosted my confidence in favor of me maybe not being a fucking "aspie" after all. Maybe my fucked up childhood behavior was due to a combination of emotional distress, anxiety, strong ADHD, or even OCD?

At this point I've decided to consult multiple psychiatrists and psychologists, even get an MRI, do anything I can to determine that I certainly do not have this disorder. (I haven't yet.) I started gathering information, talking about past childhood symptoms with my mother, even asking my school district for past reports from my childhood. The more information I got the less hope I had. More and more symptoms were in line with or somehow linked to AS, as mild as they were, and other disorders I had co-morbid like ADHD, anxiety, and possibly others might not be able to explain a couple of these. Oh yeah, I also learned that my original diagnosis, as a child, came from THE FUCKING DUDE WHO FOUNDED THE CENTER FOR AUTISM way back in the 1950s. I guess there's always room for error, but that shortens my odds by a pretty good margin!

Then I started getting really disturbing thoughts, getting more severe the more I found out. Depression amped up. Couldn't concentrate on anything but this problem and my feelings. Soon I started imagining all of the different ways I would commit suicide. In front of people, family. Blowing myself up. Running myself in front of a car. Whatever. I even went around in my head when depressed thinking in words "I'm definitely thinking about committing suicide" here and there. I can't look at myself in the mirror without flipping myself off, or verbalizing self sabotaging thoughts. "You're a worthless faggot! You got nothing, might as well kill yourself now! You're ugly, no desirable girl would want you!" You name it.

The main reasons why I'm considering killing myself, if I turn out to be autistic, are: as a PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) this is my brain. I can't fix, or cure my brain. I can't cure a part of myself. Furthermore, I have to cope with my brain, a part of myself. Do you realize how fucking depressing that sounds? There's a good chance my brain will end up causing most, if not, ALL of my problems in life, and I don't want to know that a genetic part of my body, something out of my control, is the root of them all. Another big reason is an abstract impression I have gotten of Autism in general, from numerous observations IRL and on the internet, converted into perceptions and standards, a feeling, something intangible that I cannot shake no matter how much more insight I acquire on the phenomena. If I'm autistic, I become a part of this complex perception I have of autism, and those standards will hold true to me, to an extent. And that will take a huge toll on my self esteem, confidence, and myself. As I said before, confidence and healthy self esteem will play a big role in achievement of my goals and overall success in life. Goals are very important to me. One of these goals is very subjectively focused on the external world, to the point where it is out of my total control of the outcome. This particular goal is stereotypically near-impossible for the average "aspie" to accomplish, and empirically, I'd guess it's a hellhole for them to achieve as well. Other goals require social skills to an extent as well. I REHASH: As an existential nihilist, if I cannot achieve my goals, there is no fucking point to my life at all. Combined with the other two reasons, and experiencing more problems in life to which I am sure my autism is causing, I just cannot go on. I know that will heighten my anxiety and depressive symptoms, and I can't live most of my life dealing with that, without the positive desirable components in my life/in myself.

I mean, I can still function, sorta. I can even distract myself from this with certain things. But it's undoubtedly the theme of my life right now. I can't shake this until I've determined I'm autistic or not. This is also really interfering with certain small goals I am trying to accomplish at the moment which are crucial and possibly hit-or-miss. I haven't told anyone IRL prior to publishing this.

So, is this intense? Like the title suggests, I want to know if this is something to actually take seriously, even though I could be just entertaining all of this. Could it be a sign of major clinical depression/clinical paranoia/other shit???

(I don't know where else to post this, so I'm tossing it in the Lounge)

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Spoiler

The main reasons why I'm considering killing myself, if I turn out to be autistic, are: as a PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) this is my brain. I can't fix, or cure my brain. I can't cure a part of myself. Furthermore, I have to cope with my brain, a part of myself. Do you realize how fucking depressing that sounds? There's a good chance my brain will end up causing most, if not, ALL of my problems in life, and I don't want to know that a genetic part of my body, something out of my control, is the root of them all. Another big reason is an abstract impression I have gotten of Autism in general, from numerous observations IRL and on the internet, converted into perceptions and standards, a feeling, something intangible that I cannot shake no matter how much more insight I acquire on the phenomena. If I'm autistic, I become a part of this complex perception I have of autism, and those standards will hold true to me, to an extent. And that will take a huge toll on my self esteem, confidence, and myself. As I said before, confidence and healthy self esteem will play a big role in achievement of my goals and overall success in life. Goals are very important to me. One of these goals is very subjectively focused on the external world, to the point where it is out of my total control of the outcome. This particular goal is stereotypically near-impossible for the average "aspie" to accomplish, and empirically, I'd guess it's a hellhole for them to achieve as well. Other goals require social skills to an extent as well. I REHASH: As an existential nihilist, if I cannot achieve my goals, there is no fucking point to my life at all. Combined with the other two reasons, and experiencing more problems in life to which I am sure my autism is causing, I just cannot go on. I know that will heighten my anxiety and depressive symptoms, and I can't live most of my life dealing with that, without the positive desirable components in my life/in myself.

What does it mean that you cannot achieve something? How do you know? You read this in a book or someone told you? How come you started believing in your inability, did you try? How many times did you try? Did you prepare? You haven't expressed what exacly is that goal of yours, that may be politics, teaching, journalism, relationship, etc.

I mean, I can still function, sorta. I can even distract myself from this with certain things. But it's undoubtedly the theme of my life right now. I can't shake this until I've determined I'm autistic or not. This is also really interfering with certain small goals I am trying to accomplish at the moment which are crucial and possibly hit-or-miss. I haven't told anyone IRL prior to publishing this.

What kind of goals doesn't require your work and development and is more like hit or miss, lottery? Why you cannot function the way you want until you receive the information that you are unable to receive now?

So, is this intense? Like the title suggests, I want to know if this is something to actually take seriously, even though I could be just entertaining all of this. Could it be a sign of major clinical depression/clinical paranoia/other shit???

It may be depression, it may be paranoia, it may be nothing of that sort. You seem to reject the idea of living with an impairment/disorder, the truth is that you have done this for quite a long time and I wonder, how would this make your life unbearable if you knew. I don't understand what goal is so important and makes your life worthless if not achieved.

I think I would need more information, things you provided suggest that there is something greatly important and that there is a way of life that you struggle to accept.

 

[Cognisant]

I'm one of the resident existential nihilists here and my take on all this is that you're very high strung, you want answers, you want a resolution, you want change and you want all of it right fuckng now, sound about right?

I know what it's like, you're in pain and it just won't stop and the fact that it's not "real" pain like a broken leg makes it all the worse, because it's humiliating, you're wondering why won't it stop, how can you make it stop.

My advice is to stop caring because it's the anxiety that's killing you, try to be all Buddhist about it and accept the pain, consider the worst case scenario, take a deep breath, slowly let it out and tell yourself "It's okay". You might go through your entire life poor, alone, unloved, unlike, disrespected and worthless and y'know what? It's okay.

Row row row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.

Edit: Go play Dark Souls, once you've died thousands of times, lost hours of progress over the smallest mistakes and endured bullshit like the Anor Londo archers you'll understand and when you do you'll kill gods with a broken sword.

 

[Reluctantly]

That sucks. Your circumstances are probably different then mine, but I get the feeling of living a lie. I have to pretend to be a man a lot and try and mask the turmoil it causes me. It's annoying because I can't say what's bothering me because either no one will believe me, they will think I'm crazy, I'll lose my job (which if I keep, will pay off in the long run and make my life very easy financially), or I'll get other people stressed because I can't afford to do anything about it.

It's frustrating having to fake emotions and having people misinterpret the things that are bothering you because you can't just flat-out tell people. I guess it's no surprise that I relate to symptoms of aspergers and I read that transsexuals have a higher rate of aspergers. But I find it more believable that a transsexual could get misdiagnosed as aspergers because of the problems it causes them.

Being human seems so stupid sometimes. Animals don't seem to have to bother with all this shit of trying to live true to themselves. They just live true to themselves and nature accepts them or it doesn't. We seem to have a social hurdle layered on top of nature; and it's very annoying.

 

[Goku]

damn can I get a summary please

 

[Reluctantly]

Not for you, you lazy fuck.

 

[Milo]

We all delude ourselves. It seems your projections are based of your own deductions based on medical opinions, and perhaps facts--though no one knows what's going on with your mind more than you do through your own experiences.

It is possible you have reached a mental exhaustion and your mind is telling you to take a rest. I would also suggest that deluding yourself so that you can live in the here and now would be overall beneficial. Your projections of future turmoil and pain are feeding your depression.

Dread is poison to the spirit.

 

[paradoxparadigm7]

I have no doubt you're in emotional pain. I sincerely hope you don't take any action that will stop you from possibly finding some bits of joy in the future. As I read your words, it seems clear there is an obsession with determining if you indeed have AS. However you associate AS to equal never being able to achieve your goal and if you don't achieve your goal, there is no point in living. Behavioral or mental diagnosis (DSM) is a useful categorization system based on normative standards. It can be used in understanding certain aspects of yourself and especially your limitations. In fact it's similar to MBTI. Most people, if you looked hard enough, could fit in any number of mental health diagnosis. That's not the point. It's what you do with the information that's really going to matter. If you found out you are INTP or INFP or ?, you might not like the description and be dismayed to find out the goal you want to achieve goes against your functions. Some may try for their goal non-the-less.

My point is no matter what your limitations are (physical, mental, interpersonal, etc...), you can USE this information to either defeat you in spirit or guide and challenge you. My son has a severe stuttering problem since he began talking. It causes me great pain seeing his difficulties in social situations however it's his cross to bear and work out. I have my own shit to bear, and that's my shit to work out. We can all USE our pain, sufferings and limitations WELL or NOT. We're in a position of choice.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

What does it mean that you cannot achieve something? How do you know? You read this in a book or someone told you? How come you started believing in your inability, did you try? How many times did you try? Did you prepare? You haven't expressed what exacly is that goal of yours, that may be politics, teaching, journalism, relationship, etc.

I have tried doing things that made me step out of my comfort zone. My self consciousness eats me alive. I develop a foresight of how things may play out which stem from my anxiety-ridden experiences. I need to calm down before I attempt to play my cards in the outer world again. Things are way too chaotic for me - it's like there's a camera inside of my brain watching every damn move I make or every thing I sy, and I automatically review it for analysis.

And since you mentioned it, yeah, I have been longing for a true relationship for a while...in which I have higher standards that I fear may be out of my realm. (TV shows and movies I watched as a young child that sometimes portrayed romance and love spawned intense impressions, and now a nagging part of me wants to indulge in a similar impression, ugh) Other goals require social skills or healthy states of mind.

I think I would need more information, things you provided suggest that there is something greatly important and that there is a way of life that you struggle to accept.

The heart of the issue, for me, is that knowing my brain works a certain way will affect myself esteem and confidence negatively. Since my self esteem will be low from scratch after realizing I am autistic, it will be hard to raise it, which will take a while. With low confidence, it will be much harder to achieve goals, and the process could exacerbate other conditions like depression and anxiety, which would create a mental shitstorm.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

My advice is to stop caring because it's the anxiety that's killing you, try to be all Buddhist about it and accept the pain, consider the worst case scenario, take a deep breath, slowly let it out and tell yourself "It's okay". You might go through your entire life poor, alone, unloved, unlike, disrespected and worthless and y'know what? It's okay.

And then I become Ted Bundy lite?

 

[louiesgonnadie]

damn can I get a summary please

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AOLLcQ28w4

 

[Goku]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AOLLcQ28w4

In that case, if you've hit the lowest of lows, you have the advantage that everyday will get better forever. Hitting the lows has it's advantages, like, you can finally do whatever you want and not care.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

In that case, if you've hit the lowest of lows, you have the advantage that everyday will get better forever. Hitting the lows has it's advantages, like, you can finally do whatever you want and not care.

But everyday that isn't a record low, that doesn't reach an ideal level, is extremely somber.

 

[Goku]

But everyday that isn't a record low, that doesn't reach an ideal level, is extremely somber.

So it's time to up the self destructive behavior and hit the low ASAP

 

[alysa]

While reading your original post, louiesgonnadie, I couldn't help but reflect on myself in the past and the current turmoil my sister is going through. I've been suffering from depression since I was about 10 years old. I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 15 because my parents turned a blind eye. It took me writing a letter to a teacher about my plans for my parents to see that I wasn't just suffering from PMDD (pre-menstrual distress disorder).

In the time I was seeing my child psychologist, I had many existential revelations and crisis. I thought the depression defined me, I thought being a sexual abuse victim defined me, I thought being gender-queer defined me, I thought being panromantic defined me. I was a romanticist as a teenager and I've grown cynical about love because I never found it whilst looking.

There is more to you than autism/Asperger's. There are books written by people living with autism that you can read and you can see that you can still have a life outside of the diagnosis. There are benefits to autism just like there are fallbacks. Many people with autism excel in certain subjects, have eidetic memories, and are extremely intelligent. You can do anything you put your mind to, just like a person who does not have autism.

My sister was diagnosed with dyslexia in 2012. She has gone 16 years struggling in school with the basic academics. For the life of her she couldn't understand why it was all so hard for her. She excelled in band class (she plays the bassoon and clarinet, she started learning trumpet and trombone), but fell behind in maths, language arts, and science. She is artistic, she can do comic/manga panel redraws without tracing and she can draw her own original work without difficulty. In recent days, she had started stressing over the careers she couldn't do because of the sheer difficulty of it. Office/computer work, engineering, pharmaceuticals, etc. My sister also suffers severe social anxiety.

You are most likely asking why I'm sharing this or thinking I'm trying to make this about myself and my sister. I'm not. I'm trying to show you a pattern. We (you, me, my sister) are making our issues the "End All, Be All" of ourselves. We are making ourselves 1D (one dimensional, not One Direction).

I wanted to include a link to a website that has books written by autistic people, so here you go: http://www.ont-autism.uoguelph.ca/books-by-ASD-authors.html

People with autism can find love, can find work, can do anything a person without autism can do. I know you still have to find your way out of depression and anxiety, but you can do it.

If you think finding love/romance can help, you can try online dating websites like Zoosk or Meetme. Try speed dating.

No matter how hard it seems, keep the negative thoughts out. When you look at yourself in the mirror, smile at yourself and say, "I love myself. I am more than my diagnosis. I am loved by the world. I will find the one." Any variation of this will work. Say it over and over again until you get tired. Do it everyday. Even if you have to force the smile onto your face, do it.

Things will work out, but you have to work for it yourself.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

I have probably solidified myself as the "Attention Whore of INTPf"

No way. That's my title.

The main reasons why I'm considering killing myself, if I turn out to be autistic

Stop right there. How would you be any different before and after finding that out? You don't change. At all. It means nothing.

Something that helped me when I was diagnosed as schizoaffective is changing your perspective. "Disorder" is an inaccurate word. It implies that someone has a problem or severe flaws, when in actuality it's a strength as well as a weakness. The key is to accept that you will experience things that others cannot experience.

I don't want to know that a genetic part of my body, something out of my control, is the root

If it's out of your control, then there's no point worrying about it. Hakuna mattata, motherfucker.

If I'm autistic, I become a part of this complex perception I have of autism, and those standards will hold true to me, to an extent.

This is the problem. Your perception of autism is so warped that it's inaccurate if it's true that you are autistic. Assume you're autistic for a second, and that this is an undeniable fact. Knowing yourself, how you are right now, does that change your perception of autism?

One of these goals is very subjectively focused on the external world, to the point where it is out of my total control of the outcome. This particular goal is stereotypically near-impossible for the average "aspie" to accomplish, and empirically, I'd guess it's a hellhole for them to achieve as well.

Look, until you're an actual 40 year old virgin, there's no reason to fear being a 40 year old virgin.

So, is this intense? Like the title suggests, I want to know if this is something to actually take seriously, even though I could be just entertaining all of this. Could it be a sign of major clinical depression/clinical paranoia/other shit???

"Intense" is pervasive, uncontrollable, severe, irrational, and frightening.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I have tried doing things that made me step out of my comfort zone. My self consciousness eats me alive. I develop a foresight of how things may play out which stem from my anxiety-ridden experiences. I need to calm down before I attempt to play my cards in the outer world again. Things are way too chaotic for me - it's like there's a camera inside of my brain watching every damn move I make or every thing I sy, and I automatically review it for analysis.

Your foresight is useful if it relies on reliably vast experience and information, from what I have read you are in rather early stages of your goal realisation and initial development of determination.

If you focus too heavily on prescience/premonition, you will restrict your already present capabilities to achieve what you need. You mention waiting for tests and that is nothing actually too vexing. No amount of external information, diagnosis, opinions should make you function worse that you actually do, moreover you are very likely to improve as soon as you deal with the depression and start working towards your objectives. Suppose you are diagnosed with Autism, does this mean that from that point you are unable to understand humans and develop relationships? You will be able to do it the same way you did, nothing really deteriorates. Also if you are struggling with this area there is more room for improvement and very little room for your performance to decrease.

I suggest that reminding yourself of your actions heavliy and predicting outcomes based on incomplete data is negative and actually working towards your visions and building your experience for further assesment and correction would be positive.

And since you mentioned it, yeah, I have been longing for a true relationship for a while...in which I have higher standards that I fear may be out of my realm. (TV shows and movies I watched as a young child that sometimes portrayed romance and love spawned intense impressions, and now a nagging part of me wants to indulge in a similar impression, ugh) Other goals require social skills or healthy states of mind.

What fear there is to things. Fear is a terribly paradoxical and destructive mechanism. If you fear developing a relationship, you will actually avoid contacts, potential meetings and most chances for the development and engagement to occur. It is far more important to change your fears into a certainty of suffering. You are not going to avoid every unpleasant thing, fear makes you lose every chance from the beginning. If you know suffering, you know that it usually is something that you can deal with if it actually can bring you something in return.

The heart of the issue, for me, is that knowing my brain works a certain way will affect myself esteem and confidence negatively. Since my self esteem will be low from scratch after realizing I am autistic, it will be hard to raise it, which will take a while. With low confidence, it will be much harder to achieve goals, and the process could exacerbate other conditions like depression and anxiety, which would create a mental shitstorm.

Why would it affect your self esteem, you are already degrading yourself and denying yourself opportunities for action and development.

Imagine you are autist and to raise the anxiety you also have cancer and a perspective of 6 year long existence.
What does this tell you?Nothing from the negative. This positively affects your judgement, because now actually you know something that can help you organise your goals and life in this 6 year long period. You have nothing to lose, a lot to gain and even if you fail, you would at some point fail anyway.

This is what applies to "perfectly" unaffected individuals, they too have ridiculously short life expectancy of 70 and nothing to lose with a potential to gain something they need.

 

[pjoa09]

Are you retarded autistic or just holy fuck holy fuck why is everyone staring at me fuck this shit i dunno what autistic?

Mild autism, ADHD, OCD, and sometimes ODD tend to go hand in hand. It's really a personality that carries suicidal thoughts and makes you socially dysfunctional.

In my experience, putting yourself in places where there a lots of friendly people is pretty darn good idea. I found university to be that after 4 years of work. Work sucked and I don't want to go back unless the stress levels dropped.

I found myself quite a bit happier with meeting people in class to make casual conversation. No matter how offset and disturbed you look someone will eventually get the nerve to say something to you. Then eventually you take on an ability to start conversing with other people and shit snowballs from there.

I still can't figure out how to stay on task and accomplish my goals to be honest. I have started to work better in groups somehow too which is creepy for a supposed introvert. But at least for me it helped alleviate depression and kept suicidal thoughts pretty far at bay.

I think of it as something like a wound up tight muscle. Just take it to places where it can pull itself around and let go of it.

Actually I am not even sure if it was autism or just plain shyness. Don't get me wrong you won't find yourself as an extrovert but we need some contact and in my experience forcing myself didn't really help.

Maybe just fucking lift weights at a gym. It does something and you wind up just feeling happier. Do it while you are pissed off.

Go to rave parties if you are bold enough.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Stop right there. How would you be any different before and after finding that out? You don't change. At all. It means nothing.

Suppose you are diagnosed with Autism, does this mean that from that point you are unable to understand humans and develop relationships? You will be able to do it the same way you did, nothing really deteriorates.

Obviously, and concretely, being diagnosed with Autism, or anything for that matter, will not change me. I am surely aware of that.

But the more you learn, the more it changes your inner world. Once I come to a realization about anything, it will have either a positive or negative effect on me, I will find it relevant or irrelevant, I will spawn new impressions, I will learn from it, utilize it in my life which could change my destination, or the route to my destination, etc.

In the case of the Autism problem, I am learning about myself. There are positive and negative scenarios that could come out of this. I am unsure when I will definitely be sure, which could take a while. Maybe I'll never be sure.

But the thing is, since Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder, I am assuming that if I receive an (accurate) diagnosis, there must be at least one thing that is fundamentally wrong with how my brain processes certain information, to the point where at the least, it will be very hard to overcome this problem or even function utilizing the problematic brain processing, which is interfering with my functioning.

The fact that it's an organic component to my brain structure that I can not control is depressing as fuck. Sure, I can improve them, but they're still there, and the problems will still arise. Not to mention that the process of improving them could ALSO cause other stress-related problems in my life which start interfering and amping up other mental health problems like depression and anxiety. Add that to OTHER problems that aren't as atypical, like financial, circumstancial, external world (like economical issues in the country, or natural disasters, etc.). The disorder acts as an extra stressor to life. It's like living life on hard mode. Without efficient social skills, it is much harder to obtain and maintain a dynamic support system, or relationship you can lean on, to relieve stress. With flawed sensory processing, I may not be able to handle events such as concerts, because they may be too loud for me to enjoy, or even function in. As a music lover (and aspiring musician), that's a pretty goddamn hard pill to swallow. With hyperfocus, it is much harder to take on a jack-of-all-trades role, which is really helpful to an extent. Sure, it's nice compiling data on one or two things, but what if they're not things that I can create a beneficial life out of? Just because you have hyperfocus doesn't mean you have a 'gift'. Breadth can be just as important as depth, when it comes to learning a subject. If it explains my anxiety and paranoia, it will be much harder to enjoy myself in many situations. What's one of the greatest treats (and needs) of life? Happiness. What is a form of happiness? Enjoyment. I could go on, but whatever.

In short - the diagnosis does not change who I am, but it changes how I view myself in a negative light, immediately after realizing I have Autism. Then my road becomes bumpier because by then, not only do I have to focus on improving my well-being, but also improving my confidence and self-esteem.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Mild autism, ADHD, OCD, and sometimes ODD tend to go hand in hand. It's really a personality that carries suicidal thoughts and makes you socially dysfunctional.

True that they can sometimes be co-morbid. But the differences become a little more apparent once you start reading in between the lines. Especially with Autism since it is a separate brain structure (and maybe to a lesser extent, ADHD, not sure though).

Go to rave parties if you are bold enough.

lololol I'm guessing you have experiences. Share pls?

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Your perception of autism is so warped that it's inaccurate if it's true that you are autistic.

And why do you think this?

 

[Cognisant]

And then I become Ted Bundy lite?

I don't know who that is.

Look it's like chatting up a girl, if you're too invested in it the stress will make you fuck up, right now you're stressed about a lot of things and as counterintuitive as it may seem if you care less about success it'll be easier to succeed because you'll be less distracted by stress.

 

[pjoa09]

True that they can sometimes be co-morbid. But the differences become a little more apparent once you start reading in between the lines. Especially with Autism since it is a separate brain structure (and maybe to a lesser extent, ADHD, not sure though).

For me it just feels like I have all of the issues to a certain point but not at all enough to screw up my head. There are times when I can't focus, feel really uncomfortable around people, get upset at authority, and find myself being rather ritualistic.

ADHD and Autism seem to fit well though. In my experience those who suffer from ADHD tend to isolate themselves from people eventually so they seem autistic as well.

lololol I'm guessing you have experiences. Share pls?

I just presumed you have stronger autism. Generally if I am not hammered to shit I find night clubs pretty uncomfortable to be in and I have to take breaks. Lately I have been getting used to it but I yet have to summon courage to approach girls.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

But the thing is, since Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder, I am assuming that if I receive an (accurate) diagnosis, there must be at least one thing that is fundamentally wrong with how my brain processes certain information, to the point where at the least, it will be very hard to overcome this problem or even function utilizing the problematic brain processing, which is interfering with my functioning.

Many things including a deep relationship with others are viewed as very hard to achieve by many. And the argument that trying to overcome your limitations may spawn other problems is an obvious fact in life. The better you become and the more you experience the amount of new problems and challenges will increase.
There will always be problems either physical or immaterial, the fact that you will find new problems on your way is pretty obvious.
Instead of visualising new problems you could start trying and working.

In short - the diagnosis does not change who I am, but it changes how I view myself in a negative light, immediately after realizing I have Autism. Then my road becomes bumpier because by then, not only do I have to focus on improving my well-being, but also improving my confidence and self-esteem.

So you say that diagnosis changes you. Your view and esteem impact who you are, whether you are self-depreciating loner or a calm challenger, ready to become one with the world.

Wouldn't it be more logical to base your self esteem on what you have done, what you are capable of doing and how you actually feel instead of how does the new information show everything you want to achieve as unlikely?

Well lets look at the odds, some generic ones but fitting.
Apparently you would have:
20% chance of dying from heart disease
14% chance of dying from cancer
4% chance of having a stroke

Assuming you know you would have a stroke later in life, how does that affect you? Would you kill yourself or would you give up your goals because you are going to die?

The fact that you already have some non lethal problems is far better than situation of many that die unsuspecting in car accidents and other unpredictable situations.

In this situation what you do is up to you, you can give up, start developing, think of yourself more objectively etc.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

I just presumed you have stronger autism.

I'm just curious but why did you initially think that? (there's my self consciousness peeking through)

 

[Affinity]

One word, mushrooms.

 

[Brontosaurie]

One word, mushrooms.

if you're gonna throw around suggestions like that, you might wanna have a less authoritative avatar

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

there must be at least one thing that is fundamentally wrong with how my brain processes certain information

Wrong or different?

Without efficient social skills, it is much harder to obtain and maintain a dynamic support system, or relationship you can lean on, to relieve stress.

Sure, but social interaction is a two way street. Some/most other people aren't worth interacting with as frequently as conventional belief dictates, just ask any introvert.

What components of a support system are you missing right now? Those are the ones that need addressed, not those attached to the autism label.

With flawed sensory processing, I may not be able to handle events such as concerts, because they may be too loud for me to enjoy, or even function in.

1. Can you handle them now?

2. Headphones. Adapt.

Sure, it's nice compiling data on one or two things, but what if they're not things that I can create a beneficial life out of? Just because you have hyperfocus doesn't mean you have a 'gift'. Breadth can be just as important as depth, when it comes to learning a subject.

Why not simply treat the actual issues you experience (anxiety, depression, paranoia) outside of the context of a label?

In short - the diagnosis does not change who I am, but it changes how I view myself in a negative light, immediately after realizing I have Autism. Then my road becomes bumpier because by then, not only do I have to focus on improving my well-being, but also improving my confidence and self-esteem.

What you're basically saying is that it doesn't change who you are, but it changes who you are. How else do you know who you are if not through the way you view yourself? You're attaching way too much meaning to a label. Aspergers =/= cancer.

And why do you think this?

Your overall doomsday vibe about the whole thing?

One word, mushrooms.

And ^this. Good idea.

 

[BigApplePi]

louiesgonnadie. If you find you've already covered what I say below, feel free to disregard it.

Wow you've gotten a lot of responses to that but I will reply right away and maybe read them later before I forget your long post. Lots of thoughts.

1. Life changes. You can't predict if either you or your circumstances will change or if you yourself can improve on making them change. My opinion is you DO have a handle on making them change because you posted here. When I get down in spirits myself I want to fight against it too. I think about it, listen to others if I can, and wait for change.

2. The "N" temperament talks a lot generalities. The "S" temperament talks specifics. You may or may not have Aspergers or be autistic but you sure are N! Where are the specifics in your life? Are you all feelings in isolation or is there something in your living conditions that is downing you?

3. One thing one can do is find out who they are. I don't know how to tell if you have either "A" for sure but you don't sound like you do. You express thoughts and feelings. How well can you read people? Can you read me so far? What if you do have Aspergers? So what? Have you read about that lady who has Autism who became a famous Ph.D.? She was able to do things non-Autistic people couldn't do. She finally found a place in the world for herself.

4. You mentioned once or twice that you've got to achieve your goals, never mentioning what they are. What are they? I believe in goals and make them ALL the time, minor ones and general directions. What makes you think you can't change or bend your goals as you discover they can't exactly be achieved? I change my goals frequently depending on what is happening. I wanted to rest this AM but found myself at my wife urging shoveling the driveway out of snow. It's going to be minus eight here tomorrow. What say you?

5. Added:

But the thing is, since Autism is a pervasive developmental disorder, I am assuming that if I receive an (accurate) diagnosis, there must be at least one thing that is fundamentally wrong with how my brain processes certain information, to the point where at the least, it will be very hard to overcome this problem or even function utilizing the problematic brain processing, which is interfering with my functioning.

Not disordered but missing. A person may discover they are color-blind. They adjust without full color. A person may discover they are blind. They develop their hearing. After a while they adjust. Same thing with inured Vets returning from the war.

 

[Affinity]

if you're gonna throw around suggestions like that, you might wanna have a less authoritative avatar

I'm sure if you licked Kermit, you'd get high.

 

[Reluctantly]

Out of curiosity, what are you afraid of? What is it specifically that makes your life seem not worth living, if weren't to change? You never did say...but since you worry about autism or aspergers, it leads me to believe that you think life isn't worth living if you can't relate to other people and enjoy doing so. Is this true?

 

[louiesgonnadie]

What you're basically saying is that it doesn't change who you are, but it changes who you are. How else do you know who you are if not through the way you view yourself?

It could change who I am by the negative self esteem that arises from my dissatisfaction of a part of me. My negative feelings could start turning me into a different person.

And internal observation can only explain so much. We all are oblivious to certain things, or suppress other things to the point we consider them irrelevant.

 

[Ex-User (5841)]

It could change who I am by the negative self esteem that arises from my dissatisfaction of a part of me. My negative feelings could start turning me into a different person.

So don't let it arise?

Not giving a shit is actually a valuable life skill, you know.

 

[pjoa09]

I'm just curious but why did you initially think that? (there's my self consciousness peeking through)

Because you are contemplating to kill yourself over it?

You perceive it as a major hindrance to success in accomplishing your goals so it ought to be pretty bad.

I always viewed my mild autism as a personality rather than a hindrance.

 

[r4ch3l]

Not giving a shit is actually a valuable life skill, you know.

It's true!

OP -- this time last year I was in a place similar to where you are now. I was obsessed with figuring out what was wrong with me after going through a crazy winter where I went into psychosis and didn't leave my room, just read and thought for 16 hours a day. This obsession eventually led to me finding this place.

The "never going to achieve my goals" narrative was also one of my reasons for contemplating suicide. I felt fundamentally defective most of my life and with all the brain damage I was certain I had done to myself I thought it was over.

Then I stopped giving a shit.

I realized that my fear of not achieving my goals meant I actually wanted to live, not to die. And then I decided to try and concentrate on living, on the process.

My life is not amazing now but I can say that this time last year I was afraid to leave the house and routinely didn't even get up to drink water or eat for days at a time. Somehow through accepting life as it is and being patient and nicer to myself I've accumulated friends, a job, a new goal, health, and employable skills.

Accept that you never may accomplish your goals. Live anyway. Trust me, you'll have a better shot at getting there this way.

You may enjoy this AMA with James Altucher, an entrepreneur dude who is most likely INTx and had and lost it all a number of times -- http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1ru9aw/ama_request_someone_who_made_millions_and_then/

He's proof that happiness or mental health is not contingent upon achieving goals and has some great advice on life and starting over.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

It's true!Then I stopped giving a shit.

I was thinking about this a while ago. I agree with you all along. Parts of my childhood were like this in a way, while I was still longing for something, if I can remember, I took things small and focused on my occupations most of the time. I have been getting sentimental over my preteenhood a lot recently. Life is a tease.

It is hard to not give a shit when you have the OCD tendancies and extreme self consciousness.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Out of curiosity, what are you afraid of? What is it specifically that makes your life seem not worth living, if weren't to change? You never did say...but since you worry about autism or aspergers, it leads me to believe that you think life isn't worth living if you can't relate to other people and enjoy doing so. Is this true?

I am of the belief that I only need a small but valuable pool of associations I can relate to and share good experiences with. Life is harder without that pool, but it doesn't totally destroy me. I like being alone but it is somber being alone. But as I have never experienced a relationship before - and looking back at all of the impressions I took in as a child, seeing how relationships were portrayed, and daydreaming about these types of situations - a part of me feels a strong need to indulge in these impressions. I am uber curious.

Social skills are pretty important in a lot of areas in life (not just for establishing relationships), so I fear Aspergers would force me into quick sand.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

2. The "N" temperament talks a lot generalities. The "S" temperament talks specifics. You may or may not have Aspergers or be autistic but you sure are N! Where are the specifics in your life? Are you all feelings in isolation or is there something in your living conditions that is downing you?

Yeah, I found out I was a while ago, though I still have my doubts (I think N types are more likely to question their 'N' more than S questioning their 'S')

I actually have some trouble answering this question, although I find myself adding a lot of detail once I take a better look at what I write (hence why I edit my posts so much). My feelings are circumstancial, and facing a fear that those circumstances could be a fixture in my life has made my depression amp up. I feel inferior and somewhat worthless compared to many human beings my age (I am nineteen in case I didn't mention above). I have some support from my family, but I wonder if it isn't the right support?

To answer your question more specifically, the latter fits more.

3. One thing one can do is find out who they are. I don't know how to tell if you have either "A" for sure but you don't sound like you do. You express thoughts and feelings. How well can you read people? Can you read me so far?

While you can read someone through an interface, it isn't always accurate. I have a vague idea of what your motive is but I can't put it into words for the life of me. Overall, I'm good at analyzing interpersonal situations when healthy, but I look at multiple intuitive possibilities instead of honing in on the core. Although maybe that is because I am an NF?

4. You mentioned once or twice that you've got to achieve your goals, never mentioning what they are. What are they? I believe in goals and make them ALL the time, minor ones and general directions. What makes you think you can't change or bend your goals as you discover they can't exactly be achieved? I change my goals frequently depending on what is happening. I wanted to rest this AM but found myself at my wife urging shoveling the driveway out of snow. It's going to be minus eight here tomorrow. What say you?

Short term: Re-evaluate my Aspergers diagnosis. Get CompTIA A+ certified, so I can get jobs, which will have very good pay and provide stability. Find some solace. Get part time jobs to provide some income, and permit + license. Maybe eat healthier and excercise. Improve appearance (though people tell me I look fine, I'm insecure about the way I look).

Long term: Piece of mind. Learn new things. Get (a) dog(s). Career that I enjoy and/or provides a decent life. Take control of my hobbies (music, possibly storm chasing, etc...whatever intrigues me and sparks passion). Indulge in more impressions (I think this could be a tertiary Si thing?). Take control of my abilities and use them to my advantage to create more opportunities. Travel. Finding love with someone ideal (pretty high standards, I guess life would be a hell of a lot easier without them...). Float through life raising a family and watching children blossom and continually analyzing their pathways.

Actually, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life.

EDIT: I could change them to fit another ideal of mine once I realize I may never achieve them, but eventually the feeling of disappointment will pop up again. I can tell. I can suppress it but it pops up at a later time, recharged and remastered, with more sting - unless I stop becoming associated with whatever goal was attached to my occupation. That is going to be VERY hard to do if the occupation is a fundamental way of life.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Because you are contemplating to kill yourself over it?

You perceive it as a major hindrance to success in accomplishing your goals so it ought to be pretty bad.

Wait...why would that make me 'more' Autistic?

 

[pjoa09]

Wait...why would that make me 'more' Autistic?

That was a pretty long ramble but the recurring theme was that autism is preventing you from achieving your goals.

So I presume it's pretty bad.

 

[QuickTwist]

Once one gets over the idea that suicide is a viable option it allows you to be productive in new and fascinating ways.

[Edit] This is why I don't like it when people actually go through with it.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

That was a pretty long ramble but the recurring theme was that autism is preventing you from achieving your goals.

So I presume it's pretty bad.

I fear if I have Autism, it will prevent me from reaching my goals.

I have exhibited borderline agoraphobic traits over the last four years. I was homeless for three years before that. I have little to no real world experiences, so I am unsure of my abilities. In summary - I fear if I get out there, I will fuck up, and I fear Autism could be a part of that, so that makes me a little paranoid.

I see the point you are making, but it may or may not have to do with the severity of my Autism, or even Autism itself.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Once one gets over the idea that suicide is a viable option it allows you to be productive in new and fascinating ways.

....how....?

 

[crippli]

If you have autism/asberger/adhd, you may want to see this movie. It is amazing.

How do you feel about running a farm? I've found this to be a safe haven for people who have attention/social/people interaction issues. Perhaps have a helper as link to the outer world. I have many of the same difficulties. And it seems clear that my mind loses clarity when people get together. Times are changing, and connectedness is more what is in fashion(I partly blame facebook for this). It probably was inevitable with the invention of internet to share information. Regardless, instead of looking forward, one can look backwards, and do.. old fashioned farming. Bring in technology to satisfy the Ti, Ne. A small farm is in many ways a miniature of the world .

I'm aware the advice is unconventional. I've had good experiences with this activity. I can stay still for hours just observing the cows. They never cease to amaze me. The potential complexity of all this may keep you occupied a lifetime. You can drill to the core of the planet, or send rockets out in space. Maybe dig in, and do inner dialog for a few months. Do everything the other way around. Keep a cabin in the city, for the occasional sensory overload, and general urban update.

I'm starting to think that if one is a bit different, one is best off doing things a bit different. Temple made it, so can we.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

If you think finding love/romance can help, you can try online dating websites like Zoosk or Meetme. Try speed dating.

Lol, I've tried MeetMe for about a year. No results. Most girls who were attracted to me weren't my type, or I didn't hold their attention long enough. And that attention was pretty low compared to all of those long flippy haired, ear gauged tumblr boy toys. I was catfish bait, too, and I have quite a story about one: http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/1fum3z/did_you_ever_have_a_fake_online_gfbf_my_story/

Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship yet. One that matches my ideals.

 

[pjoa09]

I fear if I have Autism, it will prevent me from reaching my goals.

I have exhibited borderline agoraphobic traits over the last four years. I was homeless for three years before that. I have little to no real world experiences, so I am unsure of my abilities. In summary - I fear if I get out there, I will fuck up, and I fear Autism could be a part of that, so that makes me a little paranoid.

I see the point you are making, but it may or may not have to do with the severity of my Autism, or even Autism itself.

You will fuck up. You will fuck up over and over again until you can't give a shit. It's like cold water, stay in there long enough and you think it's normal.

It's cool, I used to be scared of picking up the office phone for a year. I still am terrified after 4 years though. Then there is that awkwardness of trying to make small talk with people who you don't know. It all sucks but you gotta cook to eat.

 

[pernoctator]

The fact that it's an organic component to my brain structure that I can not control is depressing as fuck.

Before you decide to be depressed as fuck about that, make sure you ask for photographic proof of this "organic component". In reality there is no such thing... these diagnoses are no more than groups of characteristics. To an extent, we can work backwards and see that people who have been diagnosed have brain patterns that are different than normal and similar to each other, but it's not as if we can take an x-ray and point to "the Aspergers". If your brain works in a certain pattern, it may be true that you can't control this, but no more true than it is for anyone with any other pattern (i.e. everyone without a disorder).

 

[QuickTwist]

....how....?

The exact hows and whys I am not really sure of. I am mostly speaking from experience. You must ask both what are you clinging to and what are you comparing yourself to. Conclusion being you are probably clinging to what your identity is and comparing that to your life circumstances.


If you can understand what you are clinging to you can be rid of all that is not important. Question being what do you value and what significance does it really have?

If you understand what you are comparing your life circumstances to you will see just how relative it is. Maybe instead you should be asking yourself is this the worst thing that can happen to me?

Is what you are clinging to really that important that you must commit suicide to preserve it?
What is the threshold where suicide is the best choice in comparison to what others have been through?

Basically I am trying to get you to conclude that there is no point to suicide. Suicide is an emotional response not a logical one.

 

[louiesgonnadie]

Before you decide to be depressed as fuck about that, make sure you ask for photographic proof of this "organic component". In reality there is no such thing... these diagnoses are no more than groups of characteristics. To an extent, we can work backwards and see that people who have been diagnosed have brain patterns that are different than normal and similar to each other, but it's not as if we can take an x-ray and point to "the Aspergers".

Really?

http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/project_24_fmri
http://shazwellyn.hubpages.com/hub/...spergers-Syndrome-Brain-Scan-Diagnoses-Autism

 

[pernoctator]

Really?

http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/project_24_fmri
http://shazwellyn.hubpages.com/hub/...spergers-Syndrome-Brain-Scan-Diagnoses-Autism

Yes, as I said brain scans reveal abnormalities that most of these people have in common, but there is no concrete component that can be identified as the source of a condition. This isn't a static physical trait, like a deformed limb, or a defect in heart structure that restricts blood flow. This is just a usage pattern of the brain, which is something that can be affected by anything from listening to music to having a lot of coffee -- it's adaptable.


http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm

A specific gene for Asperger syndrome, however, has never been identified.

The diagnosis of Asperger syndrome is complicated by the lack of a standardized diagnostic test.