How not to get harassed?

[Terror]

Have been kicked out of bars for just sitting still.

When entering any building, for groceries or just to see what it's like to be around people, the employees often eye me every step of the way. And I can't really dine out, either. They think you have to be stuffing your face, if you would like to relax between bites they see looking down as sleeping, so I have to stare up at the ceiling which is unpleasant for my neck.

Was wondering how the public may often treat you? I noticed that most places don't expect you to think or calmly enjoy a beverage or meal. A little tiresome.


Also, any good countries or cities that may be tolerate to what is considered unusual behavior?

 

[Tannhauser]

I have sometimes been sitting in coffee shops just staring into in the air thinking about stuff for hours. I have never seen anyone give a damn.

Although I can remember when I was younger (late teens, early 20s) I could not really do such a thing, and definitely felt everyone was watching me. Maybe the discomfort even draws attention in itself?

 

[Terror]

I have sometimes been sitting in coffee shops just staring into in the air thinking about stuff for hours. I have never seen anyone give a damn.

Although I can remember when I was younger (late teens, early 20s) I could not really do such a thing, and definitely felt everyone was watching me. Maybe the discomfort even draws attention in itself?

Perhaps my ratty trench coat and long hair may draw attention. Dark circles under eyes don't help much either

 

[Hadoblado]

When I was in my teens I had very little energy and often put my head down in public. Not sleeping, just didn't want to pose as someone who was engaged when I wasn't. I never got kicked out of anywhere though I assume I got looks. At the time I was too tired to care.

With bars it's a little different since they're trying to manufacture an atmosphere, and they need to contend with the possibility of passouts. I've never been kicked out for this, but I've had a lot of friends start dozing and get slammed out by bouncers. It's the nature of the industry.

If you look a bit ratty, people tend to assume the worst. It might be good to have some sort of prop to inform people that you're not just ratting about. A book or some headphones communicates your intention to just chill. Most places are fine with someone relaxing in the corner so long as they're not short on tables.

 

[Ex-User (11125)]

I have sometimes been sitting in coffee shops just staring into in the air thinking about stuff for hours. I have never seen anyone give a damn.

yeah same
i like to take my own sweet time at coffee shops. sometimes waiters notice ive been there too long and start asking "did you order bla bla" lol i say no and pretend not to pick up on it

 

[Minuend]

Perhaps my ratty trench coat and long hair may draw attention. Dark circles under eyes don't help much either

Probably, yes. Make sure your hair isn't messy and greasy. If you have a "scary" clothing style, then ok. If you're more accidentally dressed in scary clothes then maybe consider changing them if you want to blend in? Also remember normal hygiene, some people have sensitive noses.

If you feel tired and out of energy, that might reflect in your face and be perceived as a hostile or "scary" facial expression.

If you walk into a place, like a bar, with few others present, making eye contact and maybe say hello, depending on the culture you're in, to establish a connection between you and the bartender which will make it less likely he will shun or throw you out even when perceiving you as deviant.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

Be clean and average looking, so that you don't scare away customers.
Look busy, bring a laptop or a book.
Go with someone else, if you are with another person it's very unlikely they will pick on you.

The least likely places people would harass you? Bus/Train stations, parks, public libraries are great if you have a book with you. However if you look like a hoodlum/junkie you're unlikely to be left in peace regardless.

 

[Sinny91]

In the UK we all leave each other alone.
That's just the polite thing to do .

 

[Cherry Cola]

The people at bars and restaurants try to be proactive, they size people up very roughly, there's some collateral damage involved. If you look and act different chances are much greater you will be part of that collateral damage. Especially if they aren't able to get a grip on you at all.

 

[Yellow]

When I was younger I had periods when I used to hang out in random places for hours because I had nowhere else to go. Be polite, look average, and make it clear that you are just there to be alone.

I wonder if the issue for your case is not your choice to be alone or eat slowly, but the mystery you present. A single man walking in, not talking much, with no personal distraction, hanging out for a long time, would be worrisome. What's his purpose? He could be homeless, he could be stalking an employee, he could be mentally ill, he certainly isn't enjoying himself... You see what I mean?

I always brought a book or homework or a laptop or something. It gives people a story -- "she's here at my restaurant, and instead of having friends, she's eating alone and reading her book. Fucking nerd. I better get a good tip for the two hours she's hogging this booth." They still may not like it, but people will understand.

 

[Pizzabeak]

Kind of odd, do you resemble a caveman or something? Lounging around at restaurants is also odd as that's what coffee shops and to a lesser extent libraries are for, and there aren't too many options left after that. We used to sort of complain about that.

If you are out with at least one other person you, of course, get treated a bit more normally. Also, people seem less inhibited about approaching you and starting a convo. They seem to think, "oh, here are two jolly individuals, I shouldn't receive too much backlash or negative response from an interaction." People get a small increase in value when in a party.

Generally yeah, places exercise typical loss prevention measures. It's obvious now, and I feel uncomfortable when places are unnecessarily cautious. Doesn't really help but I usually then feel the need to take my business elsewhere and not give them any of my monies. I try not to shop at places where I used t work.

So when you're out with someone people also feel a need to approach when they were previously hesitant before, for obvious biological-evolutionary reasons. In other cases I've seen solitary people lounging and they don't really seem to be getting harassed. Maybe overreacting a bit.

Don't really go to bars but have been kicked out of one because the bartender said I was taking too long to decide if I wanted a drink or not. Have been there a few times before and I think the bartender was just mad because she said that she runs the place, didnt want me there that day I guess.

 

[Pyropyro]

Hmm... I guess not paying for a spot that is reserved for paying customers is a probable explanation for being kicked out. If you're gonna engage in deep thought then it's better to do it in areas that were designed for that such as libraries.

 

[emmabobary]

Hahaha
Reminds me of a hobby of mine: when walking or sitting alone I like to stare at people's eyes, as long as i can (with the most inexpressive face) so they eventually have to drive the sight away, most of the times, scared

In the UK we all leave each other alone.
That's just the polite thing to do .

Lovely ^^

 

[Yellow]

Hahaha
Reminds me of a hobby of mine: when walking or sitting alone I like to stare at people's eyes, as long as i can (with the most inexpressive face) so they eventually have to drive the sight away, most of the times, scared

That's really aggressive behavior. So your hobby is "being an asshole"?

 

[Jennywocky]

I usually am not bothered in public. I just make sure I buy something (if in a cafe) so I'm not just taking up customer space for no reason, but otherwise I don't really remember anyone ever bothering me or telling me to get lost.

I kind of hate the social anxiety, though. Sometimes I can just feel awkward and uncomfortable in public, so I end up building an invisible wall around myself; I specifically do not engage people with my eyes and/or I just act like I don't see anyone else, I don't take up any space than I need to feel comfortable, and typically people just ignore me. I'm like the Invisible Woman when I want to be.

Kind of sucks too when I have to interact, and just feel like i don't know how to talk to anyone. But again, I guess I'm sufficient enough at it, and I don't step on other people's toes so they don't step on mine.

 

[The Gopher]

Hahaha
Reminds me of a hobby of mine: when walking or sitting alone I like to stare at people's eyes, as long as i can (with the most inexpressive face) so they eventually have to drive the sight away, most of the times, scared



Lovely ^^

Here's a tip, stare at their forehead. It's impersonal and seems more like you are looking at them as a "target".

 

[emmabobary]

The other night I went for some burritos at a Mexican restaurant with my 17 year old sister. The place was full, and there were these lovely swings in the wait area, so we sat there. But I was so anxious for the people around, I couldn't stop swinging, I hit my head in the wall several times and almost fell like twice. I was the one looking like a clumsy teenager; staring at the ceiling , like praying for the people to leave. My sister looked like a sophisticated lady by my side.
*sigh*

 

[EditorOne]

In some neighborhoods staring is a serious act of aggression and can lead to violence, in a heartbeat. It's why so many urban dwellers avoid eye contact in crowds: You might engage a normal person, or you might engage someone who thinks he's being challenged. ("He" because it seems to be mostly a guy thing.)

 

[EditorOne]

Oh, and I've never been harassed by baristas or whatever. I have no idea what that feels like and no advice to get you out of it, except maybe just pretend you own the store and let that dictate your posture and whatnot. Acting like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing works pretty good, but for our personality types it is indeed "acting."

 

[DrGregoryHouse]

Have been kicked out of bars for just sitting still.

When entering any building, for groceries or just to see what it's like to be around people, the employees often eye me every step of the way. And I can't really dine out, either. They think you have to be stuffing your face, if you would like to relax between bites they see looking down as sleeping, so I have to stare up at the ceiling which is unpleasant for my neck.

Was wondering how the public may often treat you? I noticed that most places don't expect you to think or calmly enjoy a beverage or meal. A little tiresome.


Also, any good countries or cities that may be tolerate to what is considered unusual behavior?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzysxHGZCAU

 

[Helvete]

Oh, and I've never been harassed by baristas or whatever. I have no idea what that feels like and no advice to get you out of it, except maybe just pretend you own the store and let that dictate your posture and whatnot. Acting like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing works pretty good, but for our personality types it is indeed "acting."

I agree here, confidence, when put on or not puts others at ease. Acting like you're doing nothing wrong is best and can even be very fun when pretending ignorance to something you shouldn't do, and in the unlikely event you are called out, carrying on that ignorance. Normally people will be extremely lenient.

 

[Terror]

.... However if you look like a hoodlum/junkie you're unlikely to be left in peace regardless.

Gulp.

 

[Terror]

In the UK we all leave each other alone.
That's just the polite thing to do .

Yeah, I hear certain other countries are more relaxed with strangers. I do plan on switching countries in the next 5 or so years, that could help

 

[Terror]

Thanks for replies. General conscious seems to hint towards obeying some expected cultural norm. In some cases it makes sense and is reasonable, in others it just seems silly.

Welp, no one can contain the sky. Could go live in a balloon.

 

[scroses]

Well ask yourself-- Are you being creepy? Because if you are, you may be disturbing the other customers. Disturbed customers = bad business, and workers pick up on that. I know sometimes, when I walk into restaurants, I'll only notice single individuals if there is something "off" about them-- If they have a gaze that is too steadily staring at others in a blatant and creepy way, are sitting alone, unhygienic (you have to admit, a majority of people or ISTJs-- would rather prefer a 'pleasant' eating environment), and have odd eating habits. Who wouldn't be creeped out?

Smile. Bring people with you. That could ameliorate your condition.

I eat out alone all the time. Nobody cares. They also seat me by the window oftentimes.