How do you react when somebody close to you dies?

[transformers]

What's your general reaction to bad news of this magnitude? Maybe INTP's all react in a similar way. Personally, I become furious and angry, and even more reclusive.

 

[Ashenstar]

This is one of those times I risk sounding like a horrible person.

Hmmm the only person who has died that meant anything to me died before I could remember her.

I'm not attached to anyone in life. Not my mother, grandmother, stepdad, uncle, aunt...none of my friends or coworkers. *shrug*

The one person I would care if they died I have only known for a month. I'm more attached to this person than anyone I know. heh, that should tell you how little I really care about the people I know.

When anyone dies usually I think to myself "Oh, that's........interesting." While I say out loud in a sort of monotone voice "Oh, that's really sad." or something else of that nature in a pitiful attempt to express concern to the person I am talking to.

 

[Android]

This actually has been a serious issue for me.. I don't really react much at all, and that causes me to get angry and depressed with/about myself which turns into a downward spiral. I think I'm very okay with the idea of people dying.. nothing is more natural.. I just wish I could at least shed a tear or two. The above is in regards to people I'm at least somewhat close to.

If somebody I just know, or know of dies.. I just kind of eat the information like anything else.

 

[reyo01]

When I was in the 3rd grade, a family pet died during his "getting fixed" surgery. That was the closest to rage I'll ever get. Now that I'm at least a decade older, I understand the processes of death. If a parent died, I most likely wouldn't be that devastated. Yes, I'd feel emotion, but not in the "I can't go on without them" way that's seemingly popular. I'd remember that I was their legacy, they're genetic progression that was meant to carry out further genetic progression. I'd most likely mope for a few days, not do my homework (which would be normal anyway), and eventually move on. Some might call me heartless or emotionless, but think about it. You were born to outlive your parents. I'm also of the age where I'm supposed to move away from requireing their help. It also doesn't help to undo all of that which your loved ones put in motion. Slack off on homework, your job, and extracurriculars because the one who wanted you to do well in life died? That's not what they wanted.

Then again, both of my parents and sister are still alive. Though if it were my neice, such a waste of young life would take a harder toll on me. I'd most likely go into self insight and reclussion, but I'd still keep up with my studies.

 

[Nicholas A. A. E.]

I don't know. I've never had anyone close to me die.

When I imagine it, I imagine that I would accept it in the Stoic manner, with a minimum of emotion. At the least, emotion would be put off until the funeral. I've never been one to be shocked by sudden news.

 

[nickgray]

Well, people... tend to die, sooner or later. Eventually we'll all die, so I don't really see a "natural" death as something one should grief about, since it's just part of life, and grieving about something you can't change in any way is certainly counter productive and it makes little sense overall. Essentially either you're gonna be stuck in a loop "feeling guilty because you're not feeling guilty that you aren't feeling anything" or apply reason and see the thing for what it really is - people die, you can't change it, and worrying about it is absolutely pointless and fruitless.

 

[Darby]

I have never had anyone die that was close to me, but i remember when my dad left, i was five, and i cried myself to sleep for five years, and then finally everything just stopped, it didnt make sense anymore, im 18 now, and i haven't cried in 8 years, now if i could describe loss, it's kind off dull and gray, I've lost friends and things, but never to death, usually because I made a decision that being around them was no longer healthy for me. I used to get angry, after my dad left but it was always directed at myself, because i knew i had no reason to be angry, so i felt stupid for letting myself out in the open like that

 

[Adymus]

I'm not attached to anyone in life. Not my mother, grandmother, stepdad, uncle, aunt...none of my friends or coworkers. *shrug*

Yeah, same here... I could move away to another country right now and I would have no qualms about leaving my friends and family behind. Out of all of the people I know, there are only two that I would actually miss.


To answer the question:

The closest person I knew that has died was my grandmother.

It wasn't much of a reaction when I heard the news, I remember acting more sad about it than I actually was. A part of my was actually relieved, in her last year or two she was suffering from dementia, and seeing her in that state was excruciatingly disturbing.

 

[Wish]

This is one of those times I risk sounding like a horrible person.

Hmmm the only person who has died that meant anything to me died before I could remember her.

I'm not attached to anyone in life. Not my mother, grandmother, stepdad, uncle, aunt...none of my friends or coworkers. *shrug*

The one person I would care if they died I have only known for a month. I'm more attached to this person than anyone I know. heh, that should tell you how little I really care about the people I know.

When anyone dies usually I think to myself "Oh, that's........interesting." While I say out loud in a sort of monotone voice "Oh, that's really sad." or something else of that nature in a pitiful attempt to express concern to the person I am talking to.

Agreed. Most of the time I feel as if I have no relationship with my mother, even though she is realistically the only close family I have. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if she were gone so I wouldn't feel so forced emotionally..

 

[-Z-]

The only time I had hard time dealing with this sort of situation is when one of my closer high school friends killed himself. Actually I don't think the problem for me was actually him commiting suicide (everyone dies at one point or another) but the fact that he didn't say one word about it and troubles that made him do it. I could have offered some insight into the whole thing because I'm certainly familiar with the mindset. That has to be the one and only time in my life when I truly wished I had a stronger F.
*sigh*

 

[Agent Intellect]

When my cousin died a few years ago under tragic circumstances (I'm not going to get into the whole sob story) I remember just pondering about it with curiosity. I looked at her dead face and thought about the fact that she had once been alive, her eyes seeing, her brain thinking, and playing video games with me on my bedroom as little kids. I had more of a philosophical moment than anything, but I don't recall really feeling all that sad about it (and I was even accused of being insensitive at the funeral by one of my other cousins).

 

[Tyria]

I don't take the death of someone close to me well. I withdraw from those around me, and tend to go off on my own to think and reflect.

Death forces you to think about a lot of questions (Is there an afterlife, why did this person have to die, and others). I am not satisfied with many of the 'answers' to these questions.

More than anything, I miss the chance to talk with the person face to face. I miss being able to see them, to hug them, to be with them. When you realize that death is permanent, and that you won't see the person again (in a traditional sense), all that is left is a gaping sense of loss.

 

[cheese]

More than anything, I miss the chance to talk with the person face to face. I miss being able to see them, to hug them, to be with them. When you realize that death is permanent, and that you won't see the person again (in a traditional sense), all that is left is a gaping sense of loss.

Yes, this is the fundamental issue, I believe. That person must have an impact on your private life; there must be some true emotional connection if its permanent loss is to have an impact. Your self has to be entwined to some extent with theirs, and not only in the social/financial manner of housemates (eg parent and child) or people who have known each other for a while.

I think the problem is that a lot of people here don't get emotionally attached easily. INTPs don't attach much emotional significance to most, either as symbols or as interactive partners. I'm fairly certain the loss of a beloved spouse or good friend would elicit a greater reaction than most of the responses (here and in similar threads) have shown so far. I think many simply haven't found anyone that makes a noticeable difference in their lives yet. The essentially self-focused grief can only come about when there is real emotional investment, and this doesn't automatically follow from extended periods of contact.

 

[Vegard Pompey]

A few years ago one of my childhood friends was hit by a car and died. I started crying at the very moment I got the news and cried for a long time. Since then, no one I'm close to has died, but since then I've been close to very few people. Some relatives have died and all I felt was "Hm, a permanent change. Interesting."

My situation now is odd, though. The people closest to me are people I have never met in real life and it's hard to say how I would respond to news of their death.

 

[Irishpenguin]

Okay this is weird....it's times like this where I question my INTPness compared to all of you guys. The only family relatives that have died has been my grandma (Dad's side) and my grandpa (moms side). I hardly even remember how I reacted to the news of grandpa, but something weird happened with my grandma's news.

In the honest truth I always kind of hated my grandma since she had alzheimer's (I know it's a disease and she can't help it, but that doesn't stop it from being annoying). Anyway, I remember standing there like a dunce bafoon at her funeral while my dad cried his heart out and buried her ashes with the shovel. When it came time for people to pour holy water on her if they wanted to I figured I had to do something to show I cared, but I ended up blinded pouring way too much.

Okay, now here's the weird part. I never gave any deep though into my grandma's death or it's effect on others until about two years after her death. I remember that moment decisively, I was in the bed about to go to sleep, then all of a sudden I brain though "Hey, let's thing about your grandma's death for no reason". After about 5 minutes of this deep thinking....I cried like a little baby and was so mad and confused. I was mad at the fact of me crying and was confused for the same reason. Although I think along with those thoughts was me imagining what it would be like at each of my direct families individual funerals would be like... I dont really remember.

To further question my INTPness I happen to be very attached to some of my family and would take it devingstatingly hard if one of them were to die. I wouldn't take it as a "I cannot go on with my life" as someone previosly stated, but there would be tears to shed.

(I hope none of my family got insulted by this post.....uhhhhh....yea?)

 

[tashi]

When a close family member of mine died this summer, I had been expecting it and had thought that I would be really devestated. I was really suprised at how quickly I recovered, I only cried for a very short period of time, and have not shed a tear over it since.
Like many of you, I really just look at somebody's death as an inevitable event which is to be observed, not to be mourned. All things die, so why mourn a love one's death any more then that of any other living things? To miss someone's presence is a another thing altogether. I certainly miss people close to me that have died, but I just really can't feel sad about it.

 

[Dormouse]

Hmm, more evidence pointing towards INTFness. Great.

Um, I cry. Alot. It's not like I can't go on, but even if I knew it was coming I'm always just shattered. I hate it that people have to run out of time, I always feel that they're being buried with a ton of knowledge, experience, and untold stories. And that just seems like a huge loss to me.

Then I get into a whole guilt sequence about how I should have gotten to know them better etc... This applies to house pets, too.

When I think about death I'm very cold, but the actual thing is a different matter. Even if I don't believe I'm attached to someone, death still... hurts.

 

[severus]

I am attached to about three people and one cat and none of them have died yet.

(Genetically) close relatives of mine have died, and I felt nothing. I tried to feel sad, and ended up just pretending for the funeral and wake.

 

[WoodsWoman]

Not an INTP, bu this might not matter: shell shock - an absolute fog of numbness, cried a lot, still do but not quite daily any more. All the 'stages of grief' happen. Shock, anger, denial, acceptance, there are more and they are confusing - they don't happen in neat packages. It's been nine months since my husband passed away - I'm just beginning to see the glimmers that other people tell me will be tomorrow. Just.

 

[Ashenstar]

Not an INTP, bu this might not matter: shell shock - an absolute fog of numbness, cried a lot, still do but not quite daily any more. All the 'stages of grief' happen. Shock, anger, denial, acceptance, there are more and they are confusing - they don't happen in neat packages. It's been nine months since my husband passed away - I'm just beginning to see the glimmers that other people tell me will be tomorrow. Just.

I am sorry woodswoman. I have never felt that from someone dying, but I have felt that way and done the whole grieving thing. So, in a way, if I just apply these said emotions from that situation to an imaginary one of someone I love dying I think I can empathize to some extent. A very small extent. I hope you will give me some credit for trying.

wow.. that probably didn't help.

And it doesn't matter if you are or aren't INTP or if what you say does or doesn't apply, please keep posting!

 

[Ombat]

My grandfather is the only person who was close to me that has died. I was 10 years old and I had panic attacks every night for a year afterwards. He died of a hospital error, so it was completely unexpected. Even when I think about it now, I get upset because I can't remember him very well, and it makes me feel horrible since I was so close to him.

If someone close to me died, I would be extremely upset, but quietly so. But I can't sympathize with others who have lost. I know many people who are unsettled by the deaths of people they don't know... but I'm really not.

 

[Reverse Transcriptase]

How do you react when somebody close to you dies?

Well- I either try to defend myself from the murderer (or run away and call 911)!

Or I check for witnesses, take care of them, wash my hands & fingerprints off of things, dispose the body, etc.

 

[Tyria]

Yes, this is the fundamental issue, I believe. That person must have an impact on your private life; there must be some true emotional connection if its permanent loss is to have an impact. Your self has to be entwined to some extent with theirs, and not only in the social/financial manner of housemates (eg parent and child) or people who have known each other for a while.

I think emotional sensitivity also plays a role. Even though I did not know anyone from New York, I still had a strong emotional reaction to the events of 9/11. I've also had reactions to hearing about the deaths of two classmates from grade school (one from suicide, the other from a motorcycle accident). Emotional reactions can be difficult to predict because they aren't based on logic... I still don't know how or why I react the way that I do to things.

I think the problem is that a lot of people here don't get emotionally attached easily. INTPs don't attach much emotional significance to most, either as symbols or as interactive partners. I'm fairly certain the loss of a beloved spouse or good friend would elicit a greater reaction than most of the responses (here and in similar threads) have shown so far. I think many simply haven't found anyone that makes a noticeable difference in their lives yet. The essentially self-focused grief can only come about when there is real emotional investment, and this doesn't automatically follow from extended periods of contact.

It may also be a matter of not grasping the significance or importance of the relationships we have with others. I have found that I rarely understand the importance of a relationship until it is lost or gone (after I wrote this the song Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone by Cinderella popped into my head).

I think self reflection, introspection, and maturity also have a role to play. Past experience also has some part to play, but I'm too tired to think of what it is at the moment.

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

This is one of those times I risk sounding like a horrible person.

Hmmm the only person who has died that meant anything to me died before I could remember her.

I'm not attached to anyone in life. Not my mother, grandmother, stepdad, uncle, aunt...none of my friends or coworkers. *shrug*

When anyone dies usually I think to myself "Oh, that's........interesting." While I say out loud in a sort of monotone voice "Oh, that's really sad." or something else of that nature in a pitiful attempt to express concern to the person I am talking to.

THIS. exactly.
the only thing that has ever died that i felt pain for was my dog that i had since i was 4 years old. it just died a few weeks ago. i took it much better than i thought i would, but i live on a campus away from home, so i am used to not seeing him. when i visit home it will probably hit me harder.

 

[JimTaylor]

This is one of those times I risk sounding like a horrible person.

Hmmm the only person who has died that meant anything to me died before I could remember her.

I'm not attached to anyone in life. Not my mother, grandmother, stepdad, uncle, aunt...none of my friends or coworkers. *shrug*

The one person I would care if they died I have only known for a month. I'm more attached to this person than anyone I know. heh, that should tell you how little I really care about the people I know.

When anyone dies usually I think to myself "Oh, that's........interesting." While I say out loud in a sort of monotone voice "Oh, that's really sad." or something else of that nature in a pitiful attempt to express concern to the person I am talking to.

I have to agree with a lot of what you said. The only person I have ever been truly attached to; that has died, did so a few years ago and it was a truly terrible feeling that i hope to never feel again. The feeling of hopelessness, despair, and just being an empty void where so overwhelming that my life was literally just put into auto-pilot for a few months, while my mind fought an internal battle with my emotions to regain control. At times I felt like I was going to be fine and other times I would just break down and start crying, just because the emotions where so strong and all I wanted to do was find a quiet corner and cease to exist. It was my older brother who I lost and the experience made it so now I pretty much withdraw all emotions when dealing with people and makes me stay in my own world even more. Before that I was pretty withdrawn but I wasn't scared to get hurt, I just didn't open up to people because they couldn't be trusted, but now it is that plus my fear of getting hurt again. Now since that incident 4 years ago, I have lost two grandparents, a cousin, my step dad, and a close friend, and I hate to say it, but I felt nothing. No remorse, no feeling of loss, and really when I think about them being gone, it is more like just an interesting concept. Now I have a large family and I do love all my siblings but I have withdrawn from them emotionally to protect myself from that hurt.

But now also like you, I now have a person I am truly scared of losing and I have only known for over a month. She is something I truly care about and have opened up to emotionally and I worry about her all the time. I tried to keep my heart locked up, but I guess sometimes you just have to open to somebody.

 

[Yodon]

i dont seem to react at all , i was very concerned for a long time and apparently so were my family, they said they thought i was secretive. apparently they say i changed after my mother died when i was 10 . i apparently show no care at all although my girlfriend has said she thinks maybe im just totally non commital coz im scared of somthing, i tend to have a habit of being completly disconnected and give the impression that i dont care and the truth is , i dont

people say im a good person and i try to be nice to peeps , but i do get worried that nothing seems to affect me, i may get pissed off or annoyed for a few seconds but apart from that nothing , somone could prolly be dieing in front of me and id just carry them to a hospital and think nothing of it

to quote hyde from the tv series that was made a while back onthe bbc

i walk through this little world and i dont notice it

 

[RubberDucky451]

Well, people... tend to die, sooner or later. Eventually we'll all die, so I don't really see a "natural" death as something one should grief about, since it's just part of life, and grieving about something you can't change in any way is certainly counter productive and it makes little sense overall. Essentially either you're gonna be stuck in a loop "feeling guilty because you're not feeling guilty that you aren't feeling anything" or apply reason and see the thing for what it really is - people die, you can't change it, and worrying about it is absolutely pointless and fruitless.

I agree, this is the cold logical stance i also take on death.

 

[crashman]

I become suspicious of his death because of his face expression ( when the death angel took his life, the face expression is only the last clue )

 

[Cassandra]

I at first feel a brief shock...but then nothing. I usually keep thinking they're alive or just forget they ever were. Which sounds sort of bad. But all my family lives far, far away, so I am used to thinking of them in a detached way...like I feel like they are always existing, I just don't see them. And because when they die the "relationship" really stays the same, I don't even notice.

My grandfather (who I visited once every 2 years) died of cancer. I was expecting it. I heard about it. I felt nothing. I felt briefly ashamed for feeling nothing. I tried to be sad, or at least mildly upset, but only ended up feeling more apathetic toward the whole situation.

My great-grandmother (who I saw 5 times a year or so and was very close to) died. And the same apathy->guilt->attempt at sad->apathy cycle happened again.

O well. At least I don't have to deal with grief the same, horrible, sobbing way other people do.

**Also, occasionally I will think through how I would feel if so-and-so died. For example, my sister, or my mom, dad, grandma, cat, etc. Weirdest thing is I felt the most theoretical sadness for my cat.

Theoretical sadness...classic INTP

...now then, if science ceased to exist (or went away mostly), or if I contemplate how the space program isn't getting enough funding, I'm liable to tear up or even cry.

 

[echoplex]

I become numb and unable to fully comprehend the situation. Then, sometime around 6 to 24 months, it really hits me and I become emotional, but usually without tears. However, I did cry when a kitten I had recently taken in from under the house suddenly became very ill and died within a few hours. I felt helpless trying to help the poor thing.

 

[Chimera]

My grandmother died when I was little, but other than that I've been relatively untouched by death in family/friends. ​

I feel the death of family pets very strongly though...probably because I'm so reliant on my connection with animals. When my cat Milo died, for example, there was a sort of mutual agreement between my T and F. Sort of like "Okay, I know I need to grieve now, but I can't dwell on it for too long." So I cried that night, the next day I smiled sadly while flipping through pictures of him, and the next day I was back on my feet. ​

Death is natural and (currently) unavoidable. For a while I went through a phase where I looked at everyone that I cared about and thought "You're going to die someday", and proceeded to become completely cold toward them.

also,
Why on earth would you want to try to make yourself feel sad...? Just because it's the expected response? >>​

 

[WoodsWoman]

I am sorry woodswoman. I have never felt that from someone dying, but I have felt that way and done the whole grieving thing. So, in a way, if I just apply these said emotions from that situation to an imaginary one of someone I love dying I think I can empathize to some extent. A very small extent. I hope you will give me some credit for trying.

wow.. that probably didn't help.

And it doesn't matter if you are or aren't INTP or if what you say does or doesn't apply, please keep posting!

Thank you for this - very much. Keep in mind that the more another person (or a pet) defines your existence the more they will be missed when they're gone. For me to avoid allowing this sort of definition would have been to eliminate love entirely - perhaps I wouldn't hurt so much now, but I would have missed a truly wonderful gift. I hope I have the opportunity to love again.

 

[Andrew18651]

I'm noticing that the people here seem to get the biggest emotional reactions when their pets die. I TOTALLY ******* AGREE!!!! Animals are somehow different then humans to me. They're so innocent, so unaware, so unconditionally loving if you treat it right ( feeding, petting). Sometimes after a hard day I feel like my cat is my only friend. When I was 12 my other pet cat died. I was completely out of it for a couple months afterwards. When my dad died, I smiled. But he's another story...

 

[transformers]

I'm noticing that the people here seem to get the biggest emotional reactions when their pets die. I TOTALLY ******* AGREE!!!! Animals are somehow different then humans to me. They're so innocent, so unaware, so unconditionally loving if you treat it right ( feeding, petting). Sometimes after a hard day I feel like my cat is my only friend. When I was 12 my other pet cat died. I was completely out of it for a couple months afterwards. When my dad died, I smiled. But he's another story...

I can't say I've had the same experience. I've had a few dogs and a couple of cats pass on in the past, and although I felt sad a little when I thought about it (I still do), it was nothing as extreme as you described. Pets are innocents, which makes it somehow worse, but I still don't get that attached to them

 

[Scourgexlvii]

Now this is something I find odd... I don't really fear my own death, but the death of others always affects me a lot. Also, the death of grown people, yet not incredibly old, where it would be more natural, affects me more that that of children, whereas pets' deaths seem to affect me as much as the grown adults.

 

[WoodsWoman]

Somehow we see ourselves as responsible for a pet - and their death implies some sort of failure on our part. ---And in all cases the ones left behind bear the load of pain.

 

[Andrew18651]

Somehow we see ourselves as responsible for a pet - and their death implies some sort of failure on our part. ---And in all cases the ones left behind bear the load of pain.

Hmm, resposiblity? I suppose that goes with the notion of innocence. They're so innocent that we see ourselves as their protector to the point of feeling that it's somehow our fault. When a human relative or spouse dies, people tend to take that more as a form of rejection then take resposibility for that death ( for the most part). We can use our rational reasoning abilities to understand that better then the pets, because pets really are innocent and helpless in a home environment without our help. That may just be why we take it harder. Very interesting.

 

[WoodsWoman]

Loosing a spouse is more like becoming an amputee - only it's your heart that's gone instead of an arm or leg.

 

[Xel]

My Grandmother died recently. I was mopey for a while when I first found out. There wasn't all that much. Then when my family and I were at the end of the funeral service I burst into tears after my dad burst into tears. I don't know why it hit me then. But it did. And I was quite sad for the next hour or so. Now I'm fine. I don't get it.

 

[typondis]

I wish them well on their journey. Hopefully they don't have to come back around, and keep on going. I think that's what happened with my aunt recently. We were closer with each other than about anyone else, and I felt her light. It was good.

 

[shoeless]

i've never had somebody close to me die. just grandparents who i didn't particularly know that well, since i didn't grow up around them or anything.

when my step-pappy died, i had to be like... probably twelve years old. i remember getting the news while my friend was supposed to be spending the night (which was pretty awkward). my parents told me and then went to finish watching the sopranos.

mainly i was pissed at them for not doing anything to help me like i knew they were supposed to. i spent a lot of time trying to make sense of what had happened, what it meant, and this is where the horrible part kicks in -- i felt like i should be devastated, therefore, i acted devastated, and used it as an excuse to explain my already-existing misery.

but after a while, i stopped caring. at the wake, me and my cousin played mafia the whole time, and while i'm sure i cried at the funeral, i don't remember it very well.

then my grandma died. much the same thing.


this summer, my pappy (on my dad's side) died. i got the news while i was raiding in world of warcraft -- my dad just burst into my room, red-faced and crying, and said "pappy's dead". i just kept playing.

i'm not gonna get into that whole spiel... all of my sadness and anger was directed entirely away from my pappy. i was more focused on how everyone else was reacting, and what i should/shouldn't do to comfort them. what kills me the most is seeing grown men cry, and not being able to bring myself to do anything to comfort them -- not even a gentle pat on the shoulder, or an "it's gonna be okay".

it was one of those times i really, really wished i had a better Fe.

but anyway. i do have a couple people who are "close" to me -- they live a couple thousand miles away, but they know me better than i do -- and i can honestly say i have no goddamn clue how i'd react to their death.

 

[Minuend]

About pets: They never judge or criticize you. They are always there. I think that has something to do with the close bond. Perhaps, we do think of them as human in it's own way, realizing it or not. We know they can't think like we do, but on some level, we still think they do. Just less advanced. Kinda......

Anyways, I've never lost someone close to me, thankfully. I'm fairly close to my mother and sister, I think loosing them would be hard. My mum has always been the one who never judge me, and accept my choices. She tries to understand me, event though I don't think she does all the time. I would be sad if my brothers or dad dies, but I don't feel a connection to them as I do with my sister and mother. But it's probably there.

 

[amorfati]

My dad died of a massive heart attack when I was 15. My mother and sister were emotional and distraught and I was calm and stoic. Ultimately I wound up making the phone calls to the rest of my family to let them know what had happened because I was the only person capable of doing so at the time.

On a more negative note, because I handled the situation so well at the time I had fooled myself into believing that I had dealt with his death properly and had put it behind me, whereas all I did was suppress my emotions (like I've done with every other traumatic event in my life) while becoming a hopeless alcoholic.

 

[anyaa]

All I can do is forcefully supress the emotions....although at times I do break down[in a period of some months].
I haven't found out any other way than merely supressing those emotions...

 

[Adamastor]

When it came time for people to pour holy water on her if they wanted to I figured I had to do something to show I cared, but I ended up blinded pouring way too much.

Hmmm... I kinda relate to that, if it is someone I am close with, someone with I share some type of empathy or bond, tears start pouring, I cry for a while, it will last some days, maximum, and that is it... It happened once, as far as I remember.

The problem is I am not really aware of these bonds and I got exactly this feeling:

I'm not attached to anyone in life. Not my mother, grandmother, stepdad, uncle, aunt...none of my friends or coworkers. *shrug*

So I kinda of get angry at myself: "WoW. What a horrible person you are.". I am supposed to cry, right? But what actually happens is what some of you have done, state in a boring tone: "Oh. That's sad."

I am quite confuse now.
When I think about family, I got the impression that I should be grateful to them for a lot of reasons, this is what is socially taught, but truth be told, most of the time I feel like an hypocrite in these situation and I can't help but think that those who really develop deep bonds, thus shedding "pure" tears, are faking, because this is far, far away from my reality... It simply doesn't seem real.

@shoeless
I too wished I had a better Fe =/

 

[Starfruit M.E.]

I think emotional sensitivity also plays a role. Even though I did not know anyone from New York, I still had a strong emotional reaction to the events of 9/11. I've also had reactions to hearing about the deaths of two classmates from grade school (one from suicide, the other from a motorcycle accident). Emotional reactions can be difficult to predict because they aren't based on logic... I still don't know how or why I react the way that I do to things.

It may also be a matter of not grasping the significance or importance of the relationships we have with others. I have found that I rarely understand the importance of a relationship until it is lost or gone.

Let's see... during my life, my grandma died, my great grandma died, a great aunt died, two teachers from school died (I was close with one of them), a girl who I was somewhat friends with died, and a guy my age who's parents I knew committed suicide.

I understand what I have, but when someone I'm close to dies, I don't go through any list. I don't grieve at all. I feel sick for a moment, sometimes, but then I solidify the fact as it comes up and move on. On the other hand, if I knew that someone I knew was considering suicide or was about to die, I might be upset because I'd do anything to prevent it. But after the fact, it just... It's useless to me. I just move on.

To put my reaction on a scale, the idea of getting a shot or getting a C in a class makes me feel sick. Trying to argue with my dad or giving a speech could make me hyperventilate. Death only gets an inconsequential sick feeling, and maybe not even that. Sometimes I even feel happy if they were ready to go. But never sad. And like I said in another post, talking about people like they're saints once they die makes me slightly angry. I'd rather say "Look, the dude was an idiot and we all knew it." Actually, I should invite one of you to my funeral so you can do that. lol Anyways, that was slightly off topic... Moving on...

 

[Anthile]

Ah, I actually wonder that nobody said "I get an alibi".


Alas, I remember when I was 15 or so and my grandmother died. I watched some weird Mexican trash movie, something with "mutant" in the title. Actually, it was a very entertaining movie. It was about midnight then, when the telephone rang and my father told me that somebody from the hospital called and said that my grandmother died of lung cancer. I didn't visit her. I remember exactly what I did; I made a sad face because it seemed appropriate in such a moment and turned off the TV because it seemed tactless to just continue watching like nothing happened. In fact, the only thing I was sad about in this night was that I didn't know how the film went out.
No matter how much I analyze it, I can't help that I feel and felt nothing about the death of this person. It was not that she was just a distant relative but I actually lived at her house for quite a while when my father worked and I only went back home to sleep there. There is not the strange thought that I lie to myself about it that I had to other unfortunate events in my life.
What I felt in this night was the zero point of emotionality; the absolute opposite of love.

 

[Sparrow]

This is a big problem...just no reaction...at all...just... .. . . .. . no tears, no nothing. Just whatever attitude. I don't get it myself.

 

[Slyphee]

I haven't really had anyone close to me die, I've had a great uncle, my granddad (I was 1 or 2), my other granddad before I was born and my cat. Out of all of that I felt a twinge in my stomach for my cat and then I just carried on. I knew she was sick and felt really bad for her while she couldn't eat, but I was a little happier that she was gone and didn't have to suffer or go hungry.

I'm not really attached to anyone else really, I may miss my best friend because we get on so well (shes an INxP) but thats about it. My dads mom has alzheimers and is getting worse and when he told me I was pretty apathetic towards it (though I didn't let that on when he told me).

I don't even feel bad for not feeling anything towards it either, maybe when I meet someone I can connect and build an emotional bond with I'll cry if they die...

 

[Hengeo]

Hmm.. I had several death experiences in my family as a kid.

Firstly my uncle (brother of my mom) when i was around 4, then my grandmother when i was 6 (mom of my mom). I was small to completely understand what was happening, they lived about 300km away and i saw them only few times a year, so i barely reacted. Then my other grandmother died when i was 12. She was 88 and had Alzheimer since i remebered her, and although she was living near us, there was no real connection among us. I remeber my mom announced it to me gently and i said something like <<so she died, it's sad>>, but inside me i was rather cold.

And we come to my dad's death when i was 13. He was ill for almost 2 years (cancer), and fighting form hospital to hospital. The last days he was quickly deteriorating, and i knew it was dew to happen. Although, when they came to take me from school, i was just asking to confirm it really happend, probably a little denial. I was upset, it was bad, but my grief was quiet, i didn't cry a lot, i just tried to negotiate inside me with what happened. To be honest, i really found all this people gaining and ceremony stuff somewhat pointless, i went to the funeral just because i had to*. I still, after 12 years, sometimes miss his presence, i don't feel that i can't continue my life, i just remember and miss him.

Noone else so close died since. But 2 months ago i was shocked when i learnt that a good professor i had in my first year of university just collapsed in the class and noone managed to help him. I was very upset all the day, and still can't negotiate with how suddenly it happened. I still don't know what i am afraid more, the death it's self, or being ill in pain and helpless,,

* I now understand the meaning of support, but i still oppose ceremonies due to hypocrisy. I believe that support is not only the few hours of the ceremony, it's being there when the other needs you (in my dad's case, almost noone from the about 100 was here after the ceremony..). And grief is something really personal, i think it's really wrong putting it in rights and wrongs.