How do INTPs handle confrontation?

[manishboy]

In most social situations, I tend to have placid facade and try to maintain it at all costs when disturbed. I've noticed that being aggressively confronted is the one interaction that destroys my calm, igniting anger and waking malice. That might be a judicious response to a serious threat, but the problem is that it seems for EXTJ's in general confrontation is a standard mode of operation and it's not intended as a threat. It's how they say hello. So often my response is unnecessarily stressful for me and creates discord which I have to deal with in the aftermath.

Anyone recognize the pattern? And perhaps found a useful corrective?

 

[Brontosaurie]

hahahah yeah i know what you mean

i think they're stupid for that though, they should learn not doing htat

 

[redbaron]

I think the biggest problem with trying to maintain a placid facade is that things can slowly build up or in extreme situations the divide between trying to suppress the natural response to something and the desire to respond causes a sort of...implosion? It's something that I've been guilty of as well.

The only way I've found to really avoid it is to stop trying to keep a facade and allow myself to react more naturally to situations. I used to feel 'dumb' if I left myself be expressive about some mundane thing but in the end it's really more effort to try and quell your own natural response than it is to just allow yourself the freedom to express.

I had to work with an ENTJ for 2 years and in the first couple of weeks I was tempted to ask to be shuffled around just to avoid him. After a while though I just started to let myself be more natural and realised that it's not actually that difficult to get along with an EXXJ once you drop the facade. I had to accept that realistically I couldn't just indefinitely maintain it, and it was hindering my ability to interact.

 

[onesteptwostep]

It depends on what the confrontation is probably. If it's to say hi, small talk yipptyyak then it's all fine, but if it's something like YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR ATTITUDE, then I probably wouldn't make eye contact and just mentally block my ears until he shuts the f*** up. I could level with him and be as enthusiastic but that usually only happens when it's a close friend and if it's in a relatively private space.

 

[Yellow]

In most social situations, I tend to have placid facade and try to maintain it at all costs when disturbed. I've noticed that being aggressively confronted is the one interaction that destroys my calm, igniting anger and waking malice. That might be a judicious response to a serious threat, but the problem is that it seems for EXTJ's in general confrontation is a standard mode of operation and it's not intended as a threat. It's how they say hello. So often my response is unnecessarily stressful for me and creates discord which I have to deal with in the aftermath.

Anyone recognize the pattern? And perhaps found a useful corrective?

The people who thrive off of that kind of confrontation are just feeling around like cats with their whiskers. They need to know everyone's personal boundaries in order to make sense of their social surroundings and to establish their place in the hierarchy.

So, it's best to react and then make up. It can be as simple as snapping and then smiling and saying "just kidding". Or you can have a small feud and then make up and be best friends. At least, that's what they expect. Personally, I'd have an easier time learning to breathe underwater.

 

[Polaris]

I have been in confronting situations and my default reaction is usually calm. Problem solving seems to come before any major emotional impact. I may be quite chaotic on the inside, but then I kind of thrive on chaos (for shorter time periods). I have been in several life-threatening situations over the years due to the kind of people I was surrounding myself with. They would get us into shit and I would get us out of the shit because I had already calculated carefully all risk scenarios and solutions. Because I have a calm exterior and don't display strong emotions, people will be happy to let me take charge, unless they are competitive. Because I am not competitive, I'll let them do whatever until they realise it's not working (unless the situation is absolutely pressing) and then I'm usually their last resort, lol.

I have had little experience with people confrontation. It has happened maybe twice, or three times that I can remember and it was unpleasant as I didn't know why the confrontation came about in the first place. I was like "huh?" Afterwards I thought about it and realised there was some jealousy thing going on that I hadn't picked up on at all. I think my obliviousness has mostly protected me from the influence of other people's insecurities.

People who try to challenge me over situations they have understood poorly despite clear explanations, I usually just ignore, unless they are absolutely determined to get a reaction. It has rarely gone beyond that point as my silence makes them confident; it's not important to me to have the last word. I figure they will work it out for themselves eventually if they are intelligent enough. If not, why bother. People like that are not worth my time or effort. My bullshit filter is highly efficient.

 

[Cherry Cola]

People who act like that end up on my shitlist. Basically if you can't show human decency then I don't care about you, you are a piece of shit and I'll do my best to carefully and slowly let others realize what a shitdick you are, I won't be honest to you unless being honest just so happens to serve my agenda, and while I wont burn your house down, I'll gladly watch it go without lifting a finger to help put out the flames.

That's what happened at my last job, and I'm fairly sure whoever got it after me will be better off because of it. Had to work under an idiot cunt istj but now everyone knows he is a cunt and he wont ever be able to boss people again. For example the motherfucker wanted me to work extra by going around and putting advertisements in peoples mailboxes, after I did this the first time he said he didn't want "to be ruined" and cut the measly payment in half. I expected measly payment from the cheap son of a bitch, but not to have it cut in half. I also knew that if I confronted him and said "this is not acceptable" I'd be the one to suffer for it. So I just threw half of the advertisements away instead of putting them in mailboxes and then I told my actual employer with whom I had a good relationship about how this ISTJ decided to cut my payment in half like that without warning, of course I left out the part where I threw away half of the advertisements so that the focus would be on him being a total fucking douche and not me cleverly douching him back without him knowing it. And of course I didn't say it in an angry manner, but rather in a naive baffled and somewhat disappointed manner. That way it really seemed like he was taking advantage of me.

Then I might say something nice but totally trivial about him at some other point, something that is positive but really minor, just to make it not seem like I am out to get the guy. Then the next time I might say something that makes it seem likely that the ISTJ dick has done something shity, but I won't say that he has, I'll just appear a little stressed out, like he's been on my ass. That way I'll get asked "Hey is xxxxxx making you do this again?" and then I can look away and down for a little bit before looking back up and admitting that he has. that way it seems like I'm reluctant to trash talk even when its warranted. All the while it will give a lot of weight to what I say, a lot more than if the recipient had qualified it as trash-talking. It is very important not to appear like you are victimizing yourself or like you have it in for whomever you are trying to undermine. It is also important to let this take all the time it needs, even if you veil complaints you have to let there be space between them.

I am really glad that I am able to do this, I think INTPs might want to consider using similar tactics. Note that such tactics should be reserved for true douchebags however. Otherwise Redbarons approach is the best.

 

[Nibbler]

I don't deal with confrontation very well at this point in my life. Well, I have never reacted well but it's evolved into a different type.

I was raised in a very angry, chaotic home where you never knew when the hammer would fall for stupid stuff, stuff that wasn't even bad. And there was no defending yourself. There were no explanations allowed.

So as a young adult, if anyone outside of my personal relationships confronted me, I backed down because I didn't know how to defend myself confidently. I didn't know what types of words worked or what was actual reasonable defense (because reasoned defense was stamped out).

If someone in my personal relationships confronted me (in my young adulthood), I reacted with frustrated arguments (like a teenager) because I had to learn how to defend myself for not learning it when I was supposed to (as a teen).

After years of being taken advantage of like that, I amassed quite a list of missed opportunities and lost time. So now, I'm just coming out of my PISSED OFF phase, the one when confrontation would occur and I'd immediately begin to shake (at least mildly) with fury at the "FUCKING NERVE OF FUCKING ASSHOLES. LOOK AT ALL THAT THEY HAVE IN LIFE. LOOK AT THE MEAGER SHIT IN MY LIFE. AND THEY ARE GOING TO GO AFTER ME. THE INJUSTICE! THE IRRATIONAL INJUSTICE!!!!" I'd also shake in fury for this: "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! I DON'T HAVE TIME THIS WILL PREOCCUPY ME AND I WILL LOSE OUT THINKING ABOUT OTHER THINGS! THE FUCKING INJUSTICE AND GREED!!!!" I'd have that angry fury of being taken for someone to take my dignity. And if it was a stranger or stupid customer service rep, I BLEW THE FUCK UP at them. Note: Only the stupid reps who were obviously not trying to help or understand me. If the rep was trying but still unable to help because of things out of their control (and they TOLD me) then I had no probem. I didnt' go around being THAT customer for no reason.)

I recognize that now. So I'm now going into the next phase of now learning how to think my way though confrontation.

If it's someone else being confronted in an embarrassing way (they are legitimately screwing up and getting caught) I want to shrink away from their shame and give them the dignity of a private bollocking. I have an intense aversion to watching dignified people having their asses handed to them.

 

[emmabobary]

Hahaha what interesting stories. I grew up in a similar home Nibbler, but I´ve always tended to overreact by attacking the other person, I´m also pretty stuborn so what happens now is usually that if the other person has a problem with me -and it´s usually because I don´t put enough atention to their feelings- I try to manage it by being gentle and cozy, but it turns out that the other person gets even more offended, because as they say, I look weird when I try to make a friendly face, even hideous. And my attempts to fix the problem fail because I´m not able to change my position.
I think that in relationships matters I don´t create real bonds with people, they´re not indispensable to me. Anyway I have a closed circle of beloved ones that still remain with me mostly because they´ve managed to tolerate me all this time.

 

[manishboy]

Wow. Interesting ways of handling confrontation.

Bronto suggests offender should know better. The Moral Approach.

Onstep and Polaris suggest ignoring the offender. The Ostrich Approach.

Cherry Cola suggest a passive-aggressive response. The Saboteur's Approach.

Yellow suggests a simulated aggressive engagement. The Flash-bang Approach.

Nibbler suggests keeping calm and thinking through confrontation. The Strategist Appraoch.

Redbaron I think has the most developed, though also most challenging, response.

The only way I've found to really avoid it is to stop trying to keep a facade and allow myself to react more naturally to situations. I used to feel 'dumb' if I left myself be expressive about some mundane thing but in the end it's really more effort to try and quell your own natural response than it is to just allow yourself the freedom to express.

Call it the Authentic Approach. This one is distinct from the other because it is self-focused. The other strategies are all responses to a perceived aggressor.

I've used all of these at different times, with ignoring and passive-aggression being the most used. The problem is that they don't diffuse the situation. The authentic response is definitely hardest for me, but also seems like the best way to keep from building up the internal pressure.

 

[Jason988]

I don't even register confrontation on my radar lol someone gets upset that seems to be their issue to deal with not mine. I guess I really don't care about people that much to even give it any time of my day. If they don't like me it does not affect my day one bit. I think a lot of people take me as being confrontational but nothing I do intentionally. If I was trying it would be very obvious. The other day is perfect example. Guy got mad I passed him on the interstate. He gets beside me and starts coming to my lane. Wife freaks out. I saw the bridge coming up so I went back at him trying to aim so when we hit he went straight into concrete. He ended up with two wheels in the dirt as wife is screaming at me. I pulled it back to my lane as she is hyper ventilating. I took her hand and put it on my chest. I said feel my heartbeat didn't go up one beat. Then he gets off the same exit as me. Wife starts freaking out again saying he might have a gun. I said I got a 4000lb battering ran with 500hp. I'm not afraid of this idiot. He is in right hand lane. I pull up and stop even though my lane was open to go. I beep my horn and smile right at him stopped beside me. He wouldn't even look at me. That is intentional lol wrote this on iPhone so typos I'm sure. Conflict is nothing but a part of life. No need to fear it lol

 

[baccheion]

I put some effort into minimizing conflict and the headache involved. If there's a need to confront someone anyway, then I just do it (when I get around to it). It's usually best to just get to the point.

 

[washti]

I learn not to downplay boiling emotions. Blow up a little now- much better than blow up later with full force. Plus I dont destroy that many things anymore. Kind of bonus if you think about it.

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

Being sincere helps. Dont hold all thoughts in your head. Vocalize them.

 

[IshTheFace]

I'm pretty good at dealing with it. Less so with confronting others when they've done something to me.