How can I help an ex who seems content to be abused in her current relationship.

[Thurlor]

I can't believe I am going to ask a relationship question (ew) but this situation has me confused and worried.

I am still in contact with my most recent ex (broke up nearly 2 years ago) and recently she has been complaining to me that her current partner is beating her (she thinks he broke her ribs). It seems like the solution would be simple (I can't believe she needed to ask). Leave the cunt. But she is making excuses for his behaviour, blaming herself, claiming she loves him, saying she is also violent or verbally aggressive and dribbling shit about not being able to be alone. All of that for a guy she has been with for less than 6 months. Granted, I haven't ever known her to not be in a relationship. But what sort of a person says that when they are being beaten is the only time they feel truly alive? What the actual fuck? I thought I had problems.

I know that we all make our own choices and have to live with the consequences, but this seems so wrong. I have always admired her for her intelligence and maturity. As a fellow INTP she has always been someone I could talk to. But not anymore. The person I used to know is gone. She would never have said any of the crap that she has recently.

And now I am starting to question the whole DV 'epidemic' that plagues society at the moment. If a woman like my ex could literally turn out to be the type of person who is willing to role over and take a beating then I don't know what to think any more.

I went out of my way to never be the arsehole in our relationship and now I find out she is willing to take a literal beating to maintain a relationship.

I don't know what to do. If I thought she was stuck in this situation against her will I would have called the police already, but this is different. Do I just accept that some of us are damaged and want the shit they are in?

Anyway, sorry for the rant.

 

[BurnedOut]

My previous relationship was abusive but not to the extent of hitting each other although I did get assaulted on one occassion which caused me to reevaluate the relationship.

In my experience, you should simply land at the cops' and lodge a complaint against her boyfriend and send them to her home. Also, you can try reaching her family and her out of the situation. Do anything ASAP and don't pay heed to what other's say especially if they tell you to ignore or be patient. This is very serious.

If you cannot grasp the urgency the situation think about this - what if cops stop trusting their intuition when they receive 911 calls. Would you not physically check up? I wish I was there to help you because there was not anybody when my ship was sinking and I only got help because of intervention of my college principal whom I involved after my ex assaulted me because I was completely shaken to the core. I remember the horror on everybody's face after they saw me emerging from the library like a shell-shocked person. I was not even able to talk properly.

 

[Cognisant]

I honestly think women are more susceptible to Stockholm syndrome, men in the same situation seem to just endure the abuse because they can and they're afraid to be alone, they don't make excuses.

I had an abusive stepfather and I remember my mother telling me he had a bad childhood and he'll come around eventually, kinda funny in retrospect.

I've had "abusive" girlfriends who would punch me in the arm and play-bite, I was never quite sure what to make of that, like I shouldn't be allowing this but it seems to make her happy (or get her off) soo...

 

[Hadoblado]

Some people need to be in relationships and will do anything to avoid being alone. I don't think this makes them bad people or less worthy of respect, but it will put them in predictable positions when they attach themselves to someone with issues.

Advice for this is difficult because we are not the same person and a lot gets lost in translation. What works for me might be terrible for you. But I'll explain and you can use your best judgment.

1 - You are supporting them. You can't communicate frustration even if you are frustrated.
2 - I'd provide continuous outs for her to elect to remove herself from the situation or to justify why she would stay. e.g. when she tells me she's been beaten I'd ask if she wants me to call the police. If she replies no I'd ask why not?
3 - If she expands upon that fear of loneliness, I would take the opportunity to interrogate that belief. If she's never been alone what makes her think she can't find someone else?
4 - Ensure at all times that they feel respected by you. People need narratives. If they can't be respected in the now, why would they think there's a future where they can be respected?
5 - Do not become their fallback plan.

I've seen a few people go in and out of abusive relationships. I even convinced an abuser to dump my friend once. People are retarded with respect to relationships and honestly, I see most relationships as shades of abusive - but that might just be my social environment skewing my opinions.

The most recent time was when someone from one of my friendship groups was being an abuser (emotionally). There wasn't much I could do because I already had beef with this person so anything I said would just be taken as a continuation of that dispute. When the relationship did end, the abusee suddenly found out how everyone recognised the issue except her. She's an architect and pretty clever all-round - But this stuff makes people stupid. Knowing how everyone else saw it helped her frame it as the freedom it was when beforehand she was torn to pieces over it and was begging to be taken back.

So build that story for them. Help them gain perspective so they recognise the options they have by seeing past the immediate turmoil.

 

[scorpiomover]

I can't believe I am going to ask a relationship question (ew) but this situation has me confused and worried.

I am still in contact with my most recent ex (broke up nearly 2 years ago) and recently she has been complaining to me that her current partner is beating her (she thinks he broke her ribs). It seems like the solution would be simple (I can't believe she needed to ask).

It is. She wants out. She doesn't want to be single. You're available and ready to be by her side. The solution is usually to replace him with you.

But she is making excuses for his behaviour, dribbling shit about not being able to be alone. All of that for a guy she has been with for less than 6 months. Granted, I haven't ever known her to not be in a relationship.

Bingo.

But what sort of a person says that when they are being beaten is the only time they feel truly alive? What the actual fuck?

I recall watching many films where the hero is saying that it's suicide to take on the bad guys, but it's the only time he feels alive. I also recall hearing a song that when the person is dying, it's the only time he feels alive.

I thought I had problems.

For people who are used to being alone, being alone doesn't seem like such a problem.

For people who are used to being in relationships, being an incel seems like a choice.

And now I am starting to question the whole DV 'epidemic' that plagues society at the moment. If a woman like my ex could literally turn out to be the type of person who is willing to role over and take a beating then I don't know what to think any more.

When I've heard of women suffering DV in relationships, it usually took years for them to leave him, and often for someone else who was also violent to partners.

So unfortunately, putting all the responsibility on men, isn't likely to help those women, because they'll just go out and find the one guy who still would beat women.

Women need to be taught dating skills, so they can handle being single for a few days, and have the skills to pick up a guy who isn't a douche for once.

I went out of my way to never be the arsehole in our relationship and now I find out she is willing to take a literal beating to maintain a relationship.

She's flexible. You just never took advantage of her willingness to be abused. That's a GOOD thing.

But maybe consider to give yourself a few more Gold stars, as there seem to be a lot more guys who beat up partners, than you thought.

I don't know what to do. If I thought she was stuck in this situation against her will I would have called the police already, but this is different. Do I just accept that some of us are damaged and want the shit they are in?

Probably either start dating her again, or introduce her to a single friend, who she can latch onto and in the process, move on from her ex.

Anyway, sorry for the rant.

This was actually quite bearable. So Gold stars for not ranting that badly.

 

[birdsnestfern]

Be careful not to let the abuser know who you are first of all, if they are jealous, they can and do kill 3rd parties trying to help all the time.

I think I would send her some Quora pages about narcissist abusers so she can read them on her own. Basically, teach her what a narcissist really feels and thinks about other people in general so she knows she's being played.

And, let her know to photograph her ribs, her bruises, date everything, describe everything and keep really good records. It only keeps getting worse as time goes on. The only way to stop it is to press charges (call cops and press charges). Its a very good idea to get a police report so it is officially documented. Otherwise, if something serious happens to her, nobody will know, and she has less recourse to get a restraining order on him.

The problem is that he may have made threats that he would kill her or her family if she does anything and she might be too scared to make a move.

There are shelters that can help her if she has no place to go. But, even crazy cops go and kill other males that try to step in, so this is dangerous for everyone.

If there is a safe time of day where she can pack her most basic things and escape, she should. Definitely NEVER tell an abuser you are leaving, EVER. Maybe ask her if she is afraid to leave or just thinks he will change. Let her know they don't change no matter how much they promise to.

If you tell her you can help her leave if she needs to, and wait for him to be 'out' and help her pack her stuff or get a cop to stand by while she is trying to leave, that might help. Just don't let the abuser see you or her leaving, it has to be quick, it has to be discreet.

Or, IF you know someone near her that can text you when they hear a bad fight going on, you can call the cops if they can arrive and hear it if someone else is complaining possibly.

My guess is that he has taken her power and she feels powerless and attached to him. Tell her as soon or soon after she leaves, she will feel stronger and her personal power will come back in time, but her inability to leave is likely based on him making her feel powerless. They are like pythons squeezing the life out of someone.

How did you get over the narcissist?

Answer (1 of 103): Why is it so hard for the victim to move forward? 1. They got you addicted to their attention,love,care,validation,while they fooled you or manipulated you,where you thought they genuinely feel’t for you. 2. Your whole self worth,self esteem,self respect,self value,self love i...

www.quora.com

Ask her to Join facebook group called

The Soul Journey with Sarah Moussa​

Its about many people developing their OWN self worth.

 

[Puffy]

I don't know under what circumstances you've remained in contact since breaking up with her but personally it feels like she's putting you in an unfair situation. If she broke things off with you originally then doubly more so.

This isn't your problem. It's only your problem if you've remained close friends and you've fully emotionally moved on from the relationship. If you still have feelings for her you may feel you need to make this your problem, but I think it's questionable in this circumstance. I wouldn't go back to someone if this had happened.

If I was in that situation I'd tell her I'm not the right person to support her through this given our history. I'd also tell her now that she's shared this with me I feel I have a basic duty of care to make sure she's safe. So I'd ask her to make sure she tells another close confidente like family and friends what's happening so that I know it's being taken care of and let her know that if she doesn't do this I'm going to tell them myself or call the police. Then I would withdraw any further involvement in this.

It sounds harsh, but it's just simple boundaries. You're not the person she should be talking to about this.

 

[Rook]

Puffy makes sense

 

[Thurlor]

Sorry to have taken a while to respond, but this whole situation is eating up more of my time than I would like.

The range of suggestions has been great and has opened my eyes to a few new options.

Still not sure how to play things out. I'm tempted to start communication with her sister as she may be able to talk some sense into the ex. I just know I can't be the one to support her though this because I don't agree with her choices. It would be lying on my part.

Anyway, thanks for the responses.

 

[Minuend]

I have a friend who tend to end up in abusive relationships.

It's not a simple thing. There are a lot of different, and often complex, reasons for people to choose to stay in abusive relationships. In my friend's case, it's having grown up in abusive environment where people with more power than you, abuse you. How to solve that? Be the scapegoat, take blame, say sorry etc. That appeased the abusers (in this case), made them less angry. So they are compulsively looking for how they are at fault, because when they just admit fault, they feel that will solve the conflict. As an adult, they do have the power to leave, but spending an entire lifetime at someone's mercy, programs you to think other people have more power over you than they do. It programs you to think the solution to these problems is to endure.

It's also in combination with not being able to acknowledge some people just function in a way where they feed of damaging other people, or being so damaged themselves they will always behave in ways that is destructive to others. And it can't be fixed, like brain damage. The need to believe all people are rational and will choose good if you only treat them the right way. People can't be that evil

And self esteem and sense of worth also plays a part

And yeah, it can be super frustrating to be witness to all the rationalizations and erroneous conclusions they come to. At some point, you do usually feel like giving up. If you don't have the resources to fight this fight, I'd suggest doing something like say you will always be there for them in an emergency, so if they ever do break apart, they know they can come to you, even in the middle of the night if that's when they summon the courage.

Deprogramming people isn't something any person can do easily. If anyone have a recipe for it, I'm happy to hear it

I see most relationships as shades of abusive - but that might just be my social environment skewing my opinions.

Damn, son, that's dark. I kinda get what you mean, but I do think if both parties are able to talk about it, and acknowledge whatever power/ abuse/ etc problem they have and try to work with it, it can be a fairly non-abusive shade of relationship. Note I'm talking about normal people with actual empathy.

 

[kittyfranklin]

coda.org

She will not get help until she is ready, but at least she'll know Codependents Anonymous exists once she is ready, if ever.

If you believe in a higher power, pray for her.

 

[kittyfranklin]

I also agree with Puffy.

 

[Hadoblado]

Damn, son, that's dark. I kinda get what you mean, but I do think if both parties are able to talk about it, and acknowledge whatever power/ abuse/ etc problem they have and try to work with it, it can be a fairly non-abusive shade of relationship. Note I'm talking about normal people with actual empathy.

I might be broader with my interpretation of abuse? I know I see this differently to most.

I see relationships as an ongoing negotiation between emotional stakeholders. One party almost always has disproportionate power, and both parties have behavioural responses to this imbalance. This behaviour can be abuse, mistreatment, manipulation, emotional outbursts, cheating... etc. but it's rarely prosocial.

The best example I have of a positive relationship are two friends that are now married with children. They are the only relationship I'm familiar with who's dynamics I don't find awful (I obviously don't know all relationships, but my sample is all of the couples I've known ever). Even then, one of the two is basically servile in how they treat the other. When I lived with them, part of our group dynamic was me and one of them ganging up on the other (verbal sparring, but this has real repercussions for power dynamics). They also have pronounced in-group/out-group tendencies where attention is focused on shortcomings of others (which regulates internal group-dynamics).

I have all this to say, and this is the only relationship I've ever witnessed where I think their dynamic is healthy overall for both parties (it helps that I'm friends individually with both).

//neurotic brain dump